Shoopuf Basket
by Raine-Weather
Summary: It's summer! And you know what that means... The Sohma Summer Vacation from Hell! COMPLETED!
1. A Visit to Bilbo Sohma!

DISCLAIMER: I am not Natsuki Takaya. I am her sister.

SHOOPUF BASKET!

Chapter 1

A Visit to Bilbo Sohma!

It was summer! It was HOT, HOT, HOT! It was SWELTERING! The birds were FRIED to a crisp outside, and falling out of trees because it was that hot! But not Sohma Kyo! Sohma Kyo is smarter than most birds. He had come up with a wonderful, not so original idea.

" Kyo, I can't get through the living room." Shigure whined, standing in front of Kyo who had made some kind of… FAN-FORT! That's right, he had surrounded himself by fans (not KYO fans, real fans.) and now sat in the middle of them as they all blew on him. He'll probably get his hair or clothes caught in them and die, but let's let him enjoy his invention for now.

" GO AROUND!" Kyo snapped, even though to get around, Shigure would have to walk ALL the way to the other side of the house and use the kitchen door, THEN be able to pass him. Just like the CAT to be selfish!

Shigure whined for a little longer, but that didn't work, since it never works on anyone.

" FINE! YOU'LL BE SORRY!" Shigure yelled childishly, and stomped off in a huff as Kyo gave a triumphant smirk. NO ONE GETS PAST THE FORT OF KYO!

Kyo was daydreaming about his dream job. You know what that is, don't you? You don't? Well, it's not being part of the Jyuunishi… it's being a FISHMONGER! How could Kyo get any happier that? Sailing everyday off to go and catch FISH! In a big net! In fact, Kyo decided then and there the only way he would ever be happy in life was if he could become a fishmonger. Never mind karate and being accepted by his family. FISH was the way to go!

He decided he would even have a little song that he would sing, out there on his fishmonging boat. It would go like this… ' Kyo, Kyo, Kyo the fishmonger, Sailor of the sea. Kyo, Kyo, Kyo the fishmonger, Catching all the fishies!'

Kyo hummed this to himself happily for awhile, but snapped out of it when he realized Tohru was watching him sit there surrounded by four fans humming to himself. 

" Kyo-" She started.

" GO AROUND!" Kyo yelled at her, embarrassed. I mean, ANYONE would be embarrassed, but imagine if you were KYO and you had been doing what Kyo had just done.

" H-HAI!" Tohru shouted in panicked tones and sped off the same way Shigure had. She was no match for the Max Anger of Kyo. She found Shigure in the kitchen making some kind of leek pudding. I guess Kyo WILL be sorry!

Meanwhile, Kyo was sitting there beating himself up over the fact he had just screamed at Tohru, when this time, YUKI came walking up. Two down, one to go, Kyo!

" Go around!" Kyo told Yuki before he could say anything.

" You're blocking the whole house." Yuki pointed out. " And you took everyone's fans."

" SO?! I'm the only one whose HOT!" Kyo argued which was so not true on many, many different levels. He laughed evilly. " Besides, you can't do anything to stop me! It's IMPOSSIBLE to reach me over all these razor sharp fans, damn rat!"

Yuki simply walked over to the power strip that Kyo had stolen to plug all the fans in, and pulled all the cords out methodically with a bored look. Kyo watched as all the fans slowly spinned to a halt.

" Oh." Said Kyo. Then he realized WHOSE fault this was, and proceeded to try to attack Yuki, but tripped over the fans and fell like a fool. His FAN-FORT HAD TURNED AGAINST HIM! 

" Go put those back in everybody's room, Kyo." Shigure commanded, peeking in from the outside door. 

" NO! WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO?!" 

" Because YOU'RE the one who stole them! But if you don't want to do it, I can make Tohru do it." Shigure said in a manipulative voice.

Of course, Kyo would NEVER purposely MAKE Tohru do something, so he picked up a fan and proceeded to march up the stairs with it. So much for his wonderful, wonderful plan.

" I made you something to eat when you're done, Kyo!" Shigure called after him, but was ignored.

Now that the living room was free again, everyone was happy and could relax without any strange creations by Kyo blocking their way. Everyone went about with their normal lives during summer vacation. What were they doing, you ask? Well, TOHRU was doing chores, YUKI was trying to do chores but just making an accidental mess of everything, and SHIGURE was… doing nothing!

_Wow! I made another new discovery about Kyo-kun today. He loves fans! I love fans too. And I know YUKI-KUN loves fans, so Yuki-kun and Kyo-kun really ARE alike! _Tohru thought to herself foolishly as she carried a big bag of laundry off to… the laundry room. Who would have thought that both Yuki AND Kyo liked FANS?!

All of a sudden, there was a knock at the door! Tohru COULD have asked Shigure or Yuki to get it, but of course she didn't. So she went to open it herself. AND WHO COULD IT BE?

" Hi." Said Hatori, looking down at Tohru. He was wearing SHORTS! My God, how terrifying! I mean, REALLY! Can you even IMAGINE Hatori wearing shorts? I can't. It's too scary!

"Um…" Tohru said, so distracted by the unexpected sight of Hatori's pantless legs that she couldn't even politely greet him. Poor Hatori didn't notice, since one doesn't really expect people to be shocked just because you're wearing shorts.

" Hi." He said again, stupidly.

" Ah! Hatori-san, hello! What brings you here?" Tohru asked, managing to tear her eyes away from the Hatori shorts.

" Just visiting." Hatori told her. Just visiting… IN SHORTS!

" Honda-san? Who is it?" Yuki asked, coming to see who Tohru was talking to. He froze and stared too when he saw Hatori was wearing shorts. 

Hatori, now growing the slightest bit uncomfortable at all the staring, asked, " Is there something on my face?"

" No!" Both Tohru and Yuki exclaimed, both too kind to tell him that he looked like a creepy child murderer in shorts. They led him into the living room, and Tohru went off to make him some tea.

" Haa-san! Oh My God, you're-" Shigure exclaimed, bounding over to his friend, then stopping at the horrifying sight he had never seen before. In all their long, long years of friendship, never had he seen Hatori like this. NEVER.

" Here to visit!" Yuki interrupted to spare Hatori's feelings. 

" Yes… _hello_." Shigure said slowly, regarding Hatori like some person he had never met in his life. They all took a seat, but both of them sat noticeably sat far away from Hatori because they didn't want to get too close to… the LEGS.

" Is something wrong?" Hatori asked.

" No." Shigure said automatically, and then whispered to Yuki who was sitting right next to him, " Do you think he'd kill us if we said anything?"

" You could at LEAST help me- When did Hatori get here?" Kyo asked angrily, coming down the stairs to get another fan, as if NO ONE should come visit without the approval of KYO.

" He's visiting." Yuki said, even though it was pretty obvious. Kyo marched down the stairs, not looking at Hatori, since the sight of him offended him THAT much, and grabbed another fan. Luckily, he didn't see Hatori's shorts, so it didn't warp his fragile mind.

" So… how's it going?" Shigure asked Hatori. " What brings you to the Sohma household?"

" Akito was throwing vases at me because I seemed to have offended him in some way." Hatori said, taking out a cigarette and began to smoke it. This immediately caused Shigure to LUNGE for a pack of cigarettes and begin to. Which left poor unsmoker Yuki feeling very out of place.

Suddenly… there was ANOTHER knock on the door! Who could it BE? Well, go and CHECK Yuki! Yeah, I'm talking to you. The other two were too busy smoking to be bothered.

So, Yuki went to go get the door like I asked. When he opened it, WHO COULD IT HAVE BEEN?!

It was Hatsuharu! He did his gliding little crazy thing towards Yuki, but Yuki smartly sidestepped so Haru just kept gliding forward until he crashed into a wall. Then he stood there with his face against the wall sadly.

" Hi, Yuki." He said after five minutes.

" Are you alright, Haru?" Yuki asked, turning his cousin around so that they were facing.

" I hit a wall." Haru admitted.

Yuki kindly led Haru into the living room so he wouldn't get lost, and they all sat down together. Haru didn't notice Hatori's SHORTNESS so there was no uncomfortable ness. 

" Well, well, well! Another visitor! Why are YOU here, Ha-kun?" Shigure asked.

" It's a secret." Haru said mysteriously… or that might have just been his normal voice.

" I wanna know! I wanna know the secret!" Shigure exclaimed, hopping all around. " Is it a present for ME?"

" I don't… think so…" Haru said slowly.

" You don't even remember what it is?" Hatori asked.

And… HE WAS RIGHT! Haru had ALREADY  forgotten the secret he was supposed to be keeping! Stupid, STUPID Haru! If there was someone I was going to tell secrets, it would be Haru. Because since he's not really even listening, it really WOULD be a secret.

" Haa-san, use your powers to go through his mind and find the secret." Shigure commanded.

" Can Hatori do that?" Yuki asked.

Everyone stared at Hatori expectantly, even Haru. They waited and they WAITED for him to use his mystical powers, but he didn't. Everyone knows Hatori can only use powers to erase memories… or CAN he?

" NOW, HARU?!" Kyo shouted, coming down the stairs to pick up another fan. " Why are all these people coming over?!"

" It's a secret." Shigure told Kyo, knowing this would drive Kyo NUTS! Kyo can't STAND it when people keep secrets from him.

" What secret?" Kyo asked curiously.

" It's about YOU." Shigure added maliciously.

" Why is everyone keeping secrets from me?!" Kyo whined, picking up another fan.

Everyone just stared at him. They're all a pretty mellow group, after all.

" FINE! I'LL FIND OUT ALL BY MYSELF, AND THEN TELL YOU WHAT YOU WON'T TELL ME!" Kyo screamed, and grabbed another fan, then ran up the stairs as fast as he could.

" What's up with HIM?" Haru asked incredously, and they all shrugged. They turned on the TV to their favorite show… The Arthur Show! Just kidding. The Sohmas took one look at that happy little aardvark and switched the channel faster than you can DUH. 

Instead, they watched… COPS! Argh! Criminals roaming the streets! Reality Television!

" IIIIIIIII'M gonna get-cha, IIIIIII'M gonna get'cha, IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'M GONNA GET'CHA!" screamed a stupid cop on TV as he ran after a crazy drug dealer as they ran around in circles.

" The tea is ready! Sorry to keep you waiting!" Tohru said, coming in with the tea. She only had brought… FIVE CUPS! One for Yuki, one for Kyo, one for Hatori, one for Shigure, and one for HERSELF! Oh no, there won't be any for Haru, and he's the cow, and he has FOUR stomachs to feed!

" Ah, hello. I like tea." Haru said stupidly, making Tohru feel more and more like a heel. How could she live in the Sohma household and appreciate all her new discoveries and their never-ending wacky hijinks if she couldn't even have TEA ready for them when they unexpectedly dropped in?!

" Hatsuharu-san! Here you go. Did you come with Hatori-san?" Tohru asked, pretending that she hadn't brought a cup for herself. 

Hatsuharu took a cup of tea and then SWIGGED it down at the speed of light, then gave Tohru a REALLY creepy look with glowing eyes and a dark aura, then said in a deep voice like a bullfrog, " MORE."

Just kidding. He said thank you and then waited for about thirty minutes before finally taking a sip, and by then it was COLD. Hatori sipped his quietly. Yuki sipped his quietly too. Shigure drank his own, and then just to be mean, drank KYO'S too! 

" Why doesn't he just shoot him?" Haru asked, watching the Cops show that no one else was really watching intently. That cop was still chasing that drug dealer around in circles.

" Because, it's illegal." Yuki said, but he was also secretly wondering why. Of course, if YUKI was a police officer… I don't know. I've never thought of Yuki as a police officer. It's kind of like Ken being a Detective. You never EXPECT it to happen, and then… it does!

" You can't just run around and shoot people if you're a cop." Hatori said.

Haru turned around to look at Hatori, and then saw that he was wearing shorts. His eyes bugged out and he gave Hatori a confused look. " Are you wearing… SHORTS?" He asked.

"…yes…" Hatori replied with a confused look.

" WHY?" Haru pressed, as if Hatori were doing the hula and singing Prince songs in front of them. 

" Because… it's hot outside?" Hatori answered, still not understanding that the world wasn't quite ready yet for Hatori in shorts.

All of a sudden… the doorbell rang! It rang over and over and over because at first, no one wanted to go get it, but finally, Haru got up and walked slowly… slowly… slowly… over to the door. It took him five minutes, and the person ringing the doorbell didn't want to let in very easily, so it was like…step…DING-DONG…step…DING-DONG…step…

Haru opened the door, and it was a Shoopuf Dude. The Shoopuf Dude gave him a SHOCKED look, and exclaimed, " IMPOSHIBIBBLE!" Haru slammed the door shut, terrified.

He opened the door again, and it was Momiji. " Why did you slam the door on me?" Momiji asked in a hurt little voice.

Haru could not describe what he had just seen, so he just sort of shrugged and let Momiji in. Momiji, who had already gotten over being mistaken for a Shoopuf Dude hopped in happily, skipping his way into the living room. Haru followed slowly behind.

" MINNA KONNICHIWA!" Momiji shouted happily, as his theme music with all the fun, fun samba polka began to play. 

" ANOTHER guest?" Shigure said with a silly little laugh. " Why are YOU here, Momichi? Let me guess, you're in on the secret that brought Ha-kun here."

" What secret? I don't know about any secret. I just came here because Ha'ri and Haru left me alone with Akito." Momiji said, blinking. He didn't mind Hatori in shorts, because Momiji is ALWAYS wearing shorts.

" Okay, if it isn't a secret, WHY are you all coming to my house? This isn't one of those EXTREME MAKEOVER home specials, is it?" Shigure demanded suspiciously, and began looking all around for hidden cameras. " Yuki-kun, make sure the refrigerator magnets don't spell out ' YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN' or something like that."

" Okay." Said Yuki not making any move to do so.

" Momiji-kun! Hello!" Tohru said, JUST making her way into the kitchen with a cup of tea for herself. But now that MOMIJI was here, she just gave it to him. It didn't occur to him that Tohru didn't have psychic mind powers that let her know when Sohma guests were coming.

" YAY!" Momiji cheered, and took a big drink of his tea.

" Check the bottom of the cups! See if they say anything!" Shigure told everyone, looking down each one. 

" Why is Momiji here?! Are you in on this little _game _too?!" Kyo yelled, making his way down for the LAST fan. He saw that everyone was having tea, and since he was pretty thirsty from all that fan carrying, he marched over to the table. Unfortunately, everyone had already drank their tea, and Shigure had drunken KYO'S tea, and Momiji had drunken Tohru's tea that she PROBABLY would have given to Kyo… So in short, NO TEA FOR KYO!

" HOW COME EVERYONE KEEPS COMING OVER?!" Kyo said, starting off on a tirade, hurt by the fact that everyone was talking about him and wasn't giving him any tea. He marched over and hefted up the fan. " IF I COME DOWN AND _ONE _MORE PERSON HAS COME OVER, I'M GOING TO GET _REALLY _MAD! AND YOU WON'T LIKE IT!"

" What's wrong with HIM?" Everyone said outloud when he was out of sight. Well… he's the CAT!

" So… Hatori came over because Akito was throwing vases, Haru came over because of a secret he can't remember, and Momiji came over because he was lonely…" Yuki murmured outloud, doing some detective work. Is it coincidence? I think NOT!

Tohru, who was very tired from all the tea making, sat down on the couch, but she was overjoyed that so many Sohma were surrounding her that WEREN'T Akito!

" Ne! There was a story at my school today. It was called, ' The Little Engine That Could!' " Momiji exclaimed, breaking the silence.

" Not right now, Momiji," said Hatori, since he secretly hated that story.

Suddenly there was a… TOYOTA TRUCK COMMERCIAL ON TV! But nobody heard it because they were too preoccupied by another knock from the door. This time… Shigure went to get it, because he was getting mighty suspicious, and wanted to see if it was a reporter lady from Extreme Makeover Home Edition.

But it wasn't! It was Kagura! " Shii-chan! How are you doing? I brought you a banana hammock!" Kagura said happily. A banana hammock for BANANAS, okay?! Get your mind out of the gutter!

" Waaaaait a minute, Kagura. _Why _are you coming to my house?" Shigure asked suspiciously, ignoring Kagura's generous offering of a banana hammock.

Kagura looked very hurt and vulnerable for about half a second before sucker punching Shigure in the stomach and marching through the house in a huff, kicking holes into the walls for fun and flinging the banana hammock into the air. It landed on Haru's head, but he didn't notice it at first.

" I'm the PIG!" Kagura bellowed in a guttural voice randomly, marching around the room in search for Kyo. Yuki rose because the sight of Haru just sitting there with a banana hammock on his head was just too sad. 

" Kagura-san, hello!" Tohru said happily. Kagura hugged Tohru because she can, and then Momiji hugged Kagura because he wanted to, but no one else did any hugging because they're fuddy duddies.

" Where did you get that?" Haru asked Yuki, who was holding the banana hammock he had just removed from Haru's head.

" I THOUGHT I SAID THAT IF _ONE _MORE PERSON-" Kyo yelled, running down the stairs to kick some serious ass, but froze when he saw it was Kagura. And then began to run back up the stairs.

" DARLING!" Kagura screamed, and zoomed up the stairs after him.

" Oh, those wacky kids!" Shigure chuckled, crawling into the room, injured. " Haru, does Kagura have anything to do with your secret?"

" Nope. Nuh-uh." Haru replied.

" Sometimes, telling people about a heavy burden you're carrying makes you feel better!" Tohru told Haru ditzily, who just stared at her as if she was speaking a foreign language.

" Can I tell the story about the little engine that could?" Momiji asked.

Luckily, no one had to tell him no, because suddenly there was a… LOUD HONKING SOUND! Everyone RUSHED to the window and looked outside, even Kagura and Kyo! Who could it have been?

Well, this time it was two big cars (any kind of cars you like) and Ayame standing outside of one honking the horn like a fool. I guess he never thought about simply walking up to the door and KNOCKING to get their attention.

" Oh God." Yuki moaned.

" Don't answer it." Kyo warned.

But it was too late. Shigure was already gliding out the door over to Ayame.

" AYA!" Shigure shouted.

" GURE-SAN!" Ayame shouted.

" MIAKA!" Shigure shouted.

" TAMAHOME!" Ayame shouted. 

" PIKACHU!" Shigure shouted like Veronica Taylor.

" PIKA-PIKA!" Ayame squeaked.

" STELLLLAAA!" Shigure shouted- Alright, that's enough of that.

" Why are you here?" Shigure asked joyously at his non-short wearing best friend.

" I'm here to take you all on a Sohma Vacation!" Ayame said happily, and he and Shigure did a girly squeal and starting hopping up and down holding hands.

" AYAME!" Kureno called from the other car.

" Oops. It was supposed to be a surprise. Oh well!" Ayame shrugged. Well, it's better this way anyway. It's not like they all would have just piled into the car and driven off blindly wherever Ayame and Kureno drove them.

" Vacation! YAY!" Momiji cheered, and bounced merrily out of Shigure's boring old house.

" Where are we going?" Haru asked, following the rabbit slowly out the door.

" (INSERT PLACE THAT IS FUN AND VACATION-LIKE HERE!)" Ayame answered excitedly. " Where's my little brother? YUKI! YOUR BROTHER IS HERE TO SHARE A FUN AND EXCITING KODAK MOMENT WITH YOU!"

_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! _Yuki screamed mentally.

" And you have _permission _from Akito to do this?" Hatori asked doubtfully, walking out of the house with his hands crossed.

Ayame was about to hop over to Hatori and give him a big, affectionate best friend hug. He then noticed Hatori was wearing… SHORTS.

" Who wears short shorts?" Ayame sang, joined in by Shigure hopping around saying,            " HATORI wears short shorts!" They continued on like this until Hatori, shamed and insulted, crawled into the back seat of Ayame's car.

" HOORAY!" Tohru and Kagura said, and linked arms and skipped merrily over to the cars.

" I don't wanna go! YOU CANT MAKE ME!" Kyo yelled rebelliously. Yuki stood his ground next to Kyo.

" KYONKICHI! LITTLE BROTHER! COME AND GET INTO THE CAR!" Ayame shouted with his hands on his hips as Momiji, Tohru, and Kagura went into the cars. Just so you know, Ritsu and Rin were there too. In the cars, I mean.

" NEVER!" Yuki and Kyo shouted.

" IF YOU DO NOT COME AND ENJOY THIS WONDERFUL UNEXPECTED VACATION WITH US, AYAME WILL COME LIVE IN OUR HOUSE FOREVER! HE HAS MY PERMISSION!" Shigure warned, putting his hands on his hips too. This was too much of a nightmare for Yuki and Kyo to imagine, so they walked over to them with their heads hung low.

" Little brother!" Ayame said happily, and tried to nuzzle Yuki affectionately, but missed, so he just nuzzled Kyo affectionately.

" That looked like it hurt!" Shigure laughed, staring down at the beaten up Ayame laying on the ground.

" I'm used to it!" Ayame chuckled. " So, everyone's ready… Haru, what are you doing?"

" Trying to figure out what car to ride in." Haru stated, looking back and forth from one car to another. He was the last person to get in.

" Just get in MY car." Ayame said impatiently. This was probably a dangerous choice for Haru's health, but he got in like he was told.

" So THIS must have been your secret, Ha-kun!" Shigure said to Haru as he began to get in.

" Nope." Haru said truthfully.

" It wasn't? Are you sure?" Shigure asked, surprised.

" Uh-huh." Haru nodded.

" Shigure, isn't your editor supposed to come by in a few days to pick up the manuscript for your next novel?" Hatori asked from inside the car.

" MWHAHAHAHA!" Shigure laughed, and they jumped into the car, and started on their way to… THE SOHMA VACATION FROM HELL!

" HEY! Did they think they could just LEAVE me here all alone? NASTY, STUPID HOBBITSES! WE HATES THEM! WE HATES THEM!" Akito yelled at that little white bird that is always trying to escape from his finger.

" But we'll find them, and spoil their little vacation… Right, my precious? I'll make them all wish I had never been born!" Akito laughed.

" They ALREADY wish that." The little white bird pointed out.

" Wait… you can talk?" Akito asked the bird.

" Uh…" Said the bird, now uncomfortable.

" Are you like… what are you?" Akito asked.

" Well, Akito, if you want to know the truth… I can't tell you yet. But listen to me. We have to ruin the Sohma Family Vacation. We have to. We haaaaaave tooooo…" The bird cooed, swinging it's head back and forth in a hypnotic way.

" Destroy… Sohma… Vacation… Black… Materia… Fluffy… is… tasty!" Akito repeated stupidly.

" EEEX-CELLENT." The little bird said like Mr. Burns and cackled evilly.

OMAKE

Hello. I'm Hayley Wallace. You may know from such other fanfics as Random Adventures with FF7 cast and Shoopuf dude. This section is where you may ask questions about the fanfic. Your questions will be answered by Carl. I can sum up who Carl is in four words.

SARCASTIC…TALKING…PURPLE…WOOPER.

Please put your questions in your review if you want them to be answered. 

For now, I will just ask Carl some questions myself.

Hayley: Carl, why do you have antlers?

Carl: SHUT UP! QUIT MAKING FUN OF ME!

Hayley: How is this fanfic related to my other one?

Carl: They're both RETARDED, for one thing.

Hayley: …twitch… Anyway, do you have any favorite anime?

Carl: Oh yeah, how about… NONE! ANIME IS JUST CARTOONS WITH NUDITY AND SWEARING! And what's with those strange little facial expressions and crap?

Hayley: You should try and be more open-minded!

Carl: SHUT UP!

Anyway… Please send in questions. And be given fun answers! Insulting, yes… but fun!


	2. I Spy and A Crazy Car Race!

Chapter 2

I Spy and A Crazy Car Race!

Well, now the Sohmas were on their way to North Dakota! Yes, I know that they live in Japan, and North Dakota isn't in that country, much less that HEMISPHERE, but… DO NOT QUESTION NORTH DAKOTA!

The cars were seperated into two groups, since jamming all of them into the same car would have been inhumane and cruel, and Ritsu probably would have ended up jammed into the trunk.

GROUP 1

Driver- Ayame

Front Seat- Hatsuharu

Middle Back Seat- Hatori

Left Back Seat- Shigure

Right Back Seat- Kagura

GROUP 2

Driver- Kureno

Front Seat- Momiji

Middle Seats- (Kureno's car was a VAN!) Yuki and Rin

Middle Back Seat- Kyo

Left Back Seat- Ritsu

Right Back Seat- Tohru

Of course, the Mabudachi Trio were DESTINED to be together, so that's why they were all in that car. Luckily, anyone who could have caused a lot of problems wasn't in the car with them. Kureno's car was crowded, but nobody in it really loathed each other but Kyo and Yuki, and Tohru was there to simmer them down, so EVERYTHING WAS FINE!

Now, listen carefully. Obviously, I'm going to have switch between cars all the time, and YOU will probably get confused, and mixed up. So whenever it's Ayame's car, I'll make a sound like this.

HOOONK!

That's three O's, okay? And with Kureno's car, it'll be:

BEEEP!

That's three E's, right? Okay, good.

HOOONK!

" How did I get into a car with Ayame driving?" Hatori pondered outloud, and wondered if he could possibly manage to steal the driving position from him. Ayame was driving like one of those crazy old ladies that really shouldn't be driving at all, constantly saying things like, " Oh, dear!" or " That was a close one!" Luckily, they were starting to get into the country, and only a few small woodland animals had had to die.

" Because we're BEST BUDS! The Mabudachi Trio ALWAYS ride in the same car!" Ayame answered happily.

" No, we don't." Hatori argued quietly.

" Shut up, short-boy." Shigure commanded, not wearing a seatbelt, and letting his head hang out of his side's window like… well… a dog. 

Hatori sighed, and looked at the two others they had in the car with them. Haru was slowly turning the little radio knob through every single station there was, listening to it for about eight seconds, then turning it again. He was looking for a good station.

Kagura was staring obsessively ahead, since she could see Kyo's little orange head through the back window of Kureno's van. Kureno's van was ahead of Ayame's car, by the way, since it was safer for him to lead the way to North Dakota.

" Shigure, I don't think it's safe for you to be hanging your head out like that." Hatori told his friend. " You should at least put on a seatbelt."

" REAL MEN don't need seatbelts!" Shigure chuckled.

Hatori decided to be quiet and wait for Ayame to crash into a random object, causing Shigure to fly out of the car window to an untimely demise.

BEEEP!

" I'm hungry. Why don't you have any snacks?" Kyo mumbled, not really enjoying his position in the car.

" I didn't think to bring any. We can always stop by a gas station later and get something." Kureno answered. If you want to know the truth, I don't know that much about Kureno besides that he's the chicken. And that's enough for me!

" But I'm hungry NOW. A gas station could be miles and miles away." Kyo grumbled.

" I APOLOGIZE! I SHOULD HAVE FORCED KURENO TO STOP AND GET SOME SNACKS TO GIVE TO YOU! GOMEN NASAI, GOMEN NASAI! I'M A WORTHLESS PASSENGER IN THIS CAR OF SAINTS, I AM THE DEVIL HIMSELF!"

" That's not true, Rit-san! There's no need for the devil!" Tohru protested.

" Look what you did now." Yuki sighed. " We have to put up with this all the way to North Dakota."

" SHUT UP!"

Rin… whinnyed! Okay, she didn't. I don't know that much about Rin either, except that she's the horse and that she and Haru…did a little dance… made a little love…got-

" I'M SO SORRY! I'M SORRY THAT YOU MUST ADMONISH KYO BECAUSE I AM APLOGIZING TO HIM!"

" SHUT UP!"

_' It started in the house, it's movin' to the street, the sand beneath our feet! Let's have some fun with the funk!' _The radio sang tackily, since Momiji was foolishly listening to Radio Disney which was playing some dated Aarron Carter song that only Momiji would find fun and entertaining to listen to.

" I'M SO SORRY THAT YOU MUST TELL ME TO SHUT UP!"

" Shut up!"

" Kyo, shut up, baka neko!"

" YOU shut up!"

" Kyo-kun…Yuki-kun…"

" I can't hear Radio Disney!" Momiji whined.

" I'M SO SORRY! NOW YOU ARE TELLING EACH OTHER TO SHUT UP BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT ME TO BE TOLD TO SHUT UP AGAIN AND I MUST APOLOGIZE!"

" SHUT UP!" Kyo screamed to no one in particular.

" BUCAW-BUCAW!!!!!!!!!!" Kureno screeched insanely, and everybody went silent at his mad rooster call. Everyone froze and quit their bickering. Kureno simply drove on ahead calmly, satisfied that peace had been restored to their little van.

" So… where's Hiro and Kisa-san?" Tohru asked.

" Sohma Summer Camp." Rin answered boredly.

Everyone paused at this moment, and imagined poor little Kisa and Hiro stuggling at some stupid camp to not turn into a sheep or a tiger in a canoe or in a tent or roasting marshmallows and causing havoc out of everything.

" They must be having FUN!" said Tohru. Everyone else mentally shook their head.

HOOONK!

" Hey, Tori-san, do you think I have even fingernails?" Ayame asked, taking one hand off the steering wheel to hold it up for Hatori's approval.

" Yes. Yes, I do." Hatori snapped, aware that Ayame was taking his attention off his already horrible driving.

" How about this one?" Ayame pressed, letting go of the steering wheel completely and turning around to hold them up for Hatori's approval again. Hatori gave some sort of strangled little yell, and Haru coincidentially turned it to a heavy metal radio station…AT FULL VOLUME.

" DRIVE! FOR GOD'S SAKE, AYAME, DRIVE!" Hatori yelled, shielding his eyes from the sight of rapidly passing scenery around them.

" I can't hear you!" Ayame yelled back.

" HARU TURN THAT MUSIC OFF!" Hatori told Haru, who complied very…very… slowly. By the time he had turned it off, Ayame was driving along contentedly again, humming to himself, Hatori was taking deep breaths to try and calm himself, and Kagura was just sitting there like nothing had ever happened.

" Shigure?" Hatori asked calmly, relieved to see Shigure hadn't been thrown out of the window in the confusion. Shigure made an odd, choking sound.

" I think I swallowed a bug," he admitted.

" EWW!" Ayame yelled, followed by Hatori asking, " What kind?"

" Does it MATTER what kind? I swallowed a bug!" Shigure repeated, looking strangely proud of himself for swallowing a bug. " He just FLEW right down my throat."

" What if it was a poisonous bug?" Ayame asked, turning around to look at Shigure, once again not paying attention to the road ahead.

" I never thought of that! Haa-san, you have to use your magical dragon-doctor powers to help me!" Shigure exclaimed, looking at Hatori desprately. " Cure me!"

" HURRY!" Ayame echoed.

Hatori looked at Shigure who was still unbuckled and asking him to remove a bug from his throat, then at Ayame who was watching the both of them, eyes nowhere near the front window that he should have been watching. He then took Ayame's head in one hand, then Shigure's in the other, and turned them both around.

" You drive. And you buckle up." Hatori told both of them.

" But the bug~~" They whined.

" Shigure, if you die because you swallowed the bug, I will let you take a picture of me in an embarassing position, and you may distribute it however you wish." Hatori promised to get Shigure to shut up.

" How about you just take a picture of him NOW? In his short-shorts." Ayame chuckled, returning to driving horribly.

" Alright! Deal! Hey… if I'm dead…"

" I can't hear the radio…I want to turn it back up…" Haru said quietly, barely heard over Shigure's complaning.

" Haru, you have been switching that radio ever since we got in the car. You have rotated through all the stations at least three times. Pick a station and stick to it." Hatori told Haru in an authorative voice.

" But I haven't found a GOOD one, yet." Haru replied.

" Well, we'll just listen to THIS station." Ayame snapped, and switched it to Mix 1029, and began bopping his head along as Matchbox 20 started to wail.

" I don't WANT to listen to this one." Haru sighed, as if Ayame were playing Radio Disney or something.

" TOO BAD!" Ayame laughed. 

Hatori, who secretly had a secret loathing for Matchobox 20 ( MAN, what does he NOT secretly hate?) just ignored it. HE wanted to listen to the tapes of Enya he had brought, since it was his favorite songstress. He was just waiting for the right time to innocently slip them in.

" I'm the PIG!" Kagura bellowed randomly in a guttural voice again, still watching Kyo's head nod around in the car in front of them.

" I want to stick my head out the window again." Shigure said to everyone.

" You just swallowed a bug a minute ago because you did that. Not to mention that it's dangerous." Hatori reminded Shigure.

" ALL-RIGHT, MOM." Shigure said in an overly sarcastic voice, crossing his arms and giving Hatori a resentful glare.

Hatori sighed, and resisited the urge to erase all the memories so they would turn around and drive back home.

BEEEP!

Without Shigure to do his special poke in the ribs to Ritsu, they had to put up with his wailing for a LOOOOOOOONG time. Kyo tried poking him in random parts of his body, but it didn't work and was kinda wrong anyway. Eventually, Tohru managed to calm Ritsu with words of love and care and everything was quiet for awhile, except for Radio Disney and Momiji singing along to MMMBOP.

" How much longer?" Kyo said, since he was starting to get all cramped. " I'm really hungry."

" I don't know, Kyo!" Kureno replied, and then chuckled at how he had rhymed.

" How are we supposed to get from Japan to North Dakota?" Yuki asked dryly.

" DO NOT QUESTION NORTH DAKOTA!" Everyone in the car screamed at him, so he just went quiet.

" I'm _really _bored." Kyo remarked.

" I know! Let's play a car game!" Tohru exclaimed, and you could tell she had just been waiting for someone to express a desire to do something so she could suggest this.

" WHAT?" Everyone in the van said like a bunch of animal-transforming idiots.

" They're games you play made especially for when you're in the car!" Tohru said, looking REALLY excited about it now. " They're REALLY fun!"

" In this case though, it would probably be more like a VAN game." Kureno chuckled to himself.

Everyone decided to play just to please Tohru, and Momiji even turned Radio Disney off. No one really wanted to let Ritsu play, but it would probably have been worse to leave him out. So they all decided to play, I SPY!

" I spy… something orange!" Tohru started enthusiastically. Of course, Kyo was the only person in the car with ANYTHING orange about him, so Kyo himself guessed in a matter of the few minutes it took him to think about it.

" Wow, you're good!" Tohru enthused, as if it had really been all that difficult.

" It's not fair to go if you guessed about yourself." Momiji argued.

" That's not true!" Kyo yelled, not willing to let go of his victory against Yuki. Even such a small victory of knowing his head was orange before Yuki did!

" Actually, it IS." Kureno answered. And he knew because back in high school, they called him… The Master of I Spy.

So they decided to just let Rin go. She spyed something green, and it was the grass outside! DA-HUCK! Ritsu guessed it, so then it was his turn. He spyed something red, and it was a small sticker on the car's dashboard that took a little time to find. Since Momiji was right in front of it, he saw it first. Momiji spyed something PINK and of course it was Ritsu's…dress…

Now it was Yuki's turn. He had been trying to avoid playing, but since almost EVERYONE  else had went, he gave it a try. " What are the rules of I Spy?" He asked first, since he NEVER knows how to play anything.

Everyone explained paitently, and then Yuki said, " I spy something yellow."

" IT'S MOMIJI! WHAT A STUPID AND EASY SPY! YOU SUCK, YUKI! I BEAT YOU! I BEAT YOU!" Kyo yelled, standing up and then hitting his head on the car roof.

" No, it's not." Yuki said in a disdainful voice.

" What?! But there's nothing else that's yellow in this car!" Kyo aruged.

" I'm not yellow, I'm blonde!" Momiji whined. Everyone ignored him.

" You must look underneath the underneath." Kureno said like Kakashi in Naruto.

" What's THAT supposed to mean?!" Kyo protested.

" Oh! It's the ribbon that you gave me!" Tohru said foolishly, pointing to the ribbon on her head.

Yuki gave one of his trademark strange, awkward, CREEPY Yuki smiles. " That's right, Honda-san."

" HA! You can't guess about YOURSELF!" Kyo laughed, and then said quickly, " It's HER ribbon!"

" Actually, you can guess about your articles of clothing, but not your body or hair color." Kureno corrected.

" NUH-UH!" Kyo yelled.

" UH-HUH!" Everyone yelled back.

" TOHRU WINS!" Said everyone.

" Everyone…" Tohru said with tears in her eyes, as if she had just been crowned prom queen.

" This sucks." Kyo muttered.

HOOONK!

" I'm so…" Shigure started, then waved his hand around for someone to finish his sentence for him.

" Shiny?" Haru asked.

" Why would I be shiny?" Shigure asked.

Haru shrugged as if Shigure was just choosing to not say the obvious.

" I'm BORED. Entertain me, Hatori." Shigure ordered.

" How?" Hatori asked, not intending to do anything to entertain Shigure.

" Hatori is a nut, he has a rubber butt!" Shigure laughed. Ayame laughed too, and they both laughed as if it were the FUNNIEST thing this side of Japan.

Hatori knew that he did NOT have a rubber butt, but just ignored them. " Haru, can I listen to my tapes now?" He asked, since Haru wasn't really listening to what was playing on MIX 1029.

" No." Haru stated bluntly.

" …but you're not really listening to anything." Hatori argued paitently.

" I SO am." Haru replied, and changed the station where… coincidentally, Purachina (PLATINUM) began to play! And since Maaya Sakamoto is the japanese equivalent to Enya, Hatori let it slide. 

" I am a DREH-AH-MAH…" Everyone but Hatori in the car sang along in horrible engrish,   " HISUMU POWAH…"

The song continued, and everyone just began to hum along despondently. 

" I really don't know anything else to that song." Ayame admitted. " I wish the first one was playing. That one was a lot easier."

" And it had LOTS of lines in english! NICE TO MEET YOU, GOOD TO SEE YOU!" Shigure said enthusiastically.

" Why do you guys watch Magical Girl shows?" Hatori asked suspicously.

" I'm bored. Haru, what about your secret?" Shigure asked.

" No." Said Haru. " I don't remember. And even if I DID, I wouldn't tell you."

" I am a DREH-AH-MAH…HISUMU POWAH…" Everyone echoed to the song once more.

" Why wouldn't you tell me?" Shigure whined.

" Because it's a SECRET." Haru said obviously.

_Darn. I was hoping he would have forgotten what a secret was. _Shigure thought.

Everyone contently listened to the rest of Platinum, and then Nyassu's Song came on. As they had no desire to listen to a cat that sounded like an old woman, they quickly changed the station.

BEEEP!

" So… Rin…" Yuki said in an attempt to be social to Rin who was sitting next to him with a bored look. " What's up?"

" I can't talk to you! Haru used to be in love with you! And Tohru likes you too! And I'm not FIT to talk to the object of affection from two PURE people!" Rin shouted, and then went back to gazing outside the window boredly so it wouldn't be TOO much like the manga.

" Oh, Rin, you can be so SILLY sometimes." Kureno tittered. " You're stubborn as a mule!"

" Well, YOU'RE as cuckoo as a chicken!" Rin chortled back good-naturedly.

" And Ritsu, you're as funky as a monkey!" Kureno told Ritsu.

" And Momiji is as 'hoppy' as a bunny. OH, GOMENASAI, I HAVE MADE A TERRIBLE PUN!" 

" Yuki is as curious as a rat!" Momiji laughed. 

Everyone in the car sort of laughed stupidly. Kyo, who had been left out, cleared his throat. 

" And Kyo…well… you're the CAT!" Kureno exclaimed.

" Gee, thanks a lot." Kyo said sarcastically.

" And Tohru… you're as tasty as an onigiri!" Momiji said, not wanting to leave her out. I think it would have been quite strange if anyone else had said it.

Everyone in the car laughed. What a stupid compliment. What a stupid car. What a stupid story.

HOOONK!

" Is it bigger than a breadbox?" Shigure asked Haru.

" No," Haru answered, not really knowing what a breadbox was.

" Is it INSIDE a breadbox?" Shigure pressed.

" If it were INSIDE a breadbox, wouldn't it be BREAD?" Hatori asked.

" Well, what if someone decided to use it for something else? Like, what if someone decided to keep GO-GURT in it?" Ayame argued in a very ditzy voice.

" Ayame, you have to refrigerate Go-Gurt." Hatori said kindly, patting Ayame on the head.

" Oh. That explains the taste." Ayame said sadly.

" …I don't think it's Go-Gurt…" Haru said in a confused voice.

" Well, GOOD. I hate Go-Gurt." Shigure remarked.

" How do you know it's for you, Shigure? Maybe it has nothing to do with you." Hatori said, hoping this would get Shigure to quit playing 20 questions with Haru.

" You're just jealous that it's not a new stethoscope or whatever for you." Shigure said vainly.

" No, I'm not." Hatori said. And that was the end of that. But was it really? Now Hatori began to wonder; did Shigure think that Hatori just obessed over doctor equipment? Did he think that Hatori got really excited over tongue depressers and vaccination needles? Was THIS why all he ever got from Shigure for Christmas was a Nurse Barbie or a Doctor Ken? 

" Why would I want a new stethoscope?" Hatori asked, trying to sound casual.

" So you could OBSESS over it." Shigure answered.

" I don't obsess over stethoscopes." Hatori argued quietly. " I don't even like them."

" If you don't LIKE them, then why are you a doctor?" Shigure said.

" And you obviously LIKE being a doctor. I mean, you read Doctor's Digest." Ayame added.

" Didn't you break up with Kana because she was getting in the way of you becoming the world's greatest doctor?" Haru asked, not wanting to be left out.

Yes, it was true. Hatori read Doctor's Digest. He was just about to tell Haru, NO, he had broken up with Kana because Akito had hit him in the head and made her sad and depressed so he had to erase her memories, but just THINKING about Kana made him start having inner monolouge.

_She was as a buttercup of spring… as I was a buttercup of winter…_ Hatori thought to himself.

" Hey. Why are THEY always in front of us?" Shigure said randomly, pointing to Kureno's van that had been leading them along for the whole trip. He then glared at it as if it were mooning them.

" Because Kureno is the one that knows the way to the mystical bridge between Japan and North Dakota." Ayame said.

" How come YOU don't know it?" Shigure asked. " How come we ALWAYS have to follow in Kureno's big chicken footsteps?"

" You do not." Hatori objected.

" Why are we going to North Dakota?" Haru asked, but was ignored.

" I'm sick of Kureno always acting like he's BETTER than us." Shigure said, having gotten the idea and now deciding to hold onto it. " Look at him… driving ahead. Like he has a better mental navigation system! I could find my house in the dark! IN THE DARK!"

" Me too! What does he think I am, a stupid man who never even learned how to drive until I was twenty?" Ayame bellowed, and honked the horn at Kureno randomly.

" I don't want to go to North Dakota." Said Haru.

" HONK AT THEM AGAIN!" Shigure cheered, rolling down his window.

HONK! HONK! HONK!

" Ayame, quit that," Hatori ordered, but for once Ayame wasn't LISTENING to Hatori.

" ROAD RAGE!" Shigure screamed at the Kureno's innocent van.

" I want to go to California." Haru stated.

" We can't let them beat us! Come on! Let's make them eat our dust!" Shigure cried.

" YEAH!" said Ayame enthusiastically, and switched into HIGH GEAR!

" I want to become a happy cow." Haru continued.

Ayame's car began to approach Kureno's van, faster and faster and faster… he was PASSING IT! They could now see all the silly little people in the car! Shigure and Ayame were screaming put downs and cheers at them, but all the silly Kureno people just waved like a bunch of idiots.

" NOOOO!" Kagura screamed. " Don't pass them! I CAN'T SEE KYO!"

Hatori sighed, and prayed for a quick release from this madness.

Haru was still talking about real California cheese.

So now, Ayame was in the lead! They drove and they drove, Shigure and Ayame praising themselves and their wonderful victory over the van of losers that didn't know it yet. Of course, Kureno realized, that after Ayame and Shigure starting throwing suntan lotion at his van, he was being insulted. He wanted to beat them and beat them good, but the van was running low on gas. Luckily, a Buddy Barn Gas Station popped up randomly, so he stopped and the car zoomed along. 

" Wait… Kureno's not driving anymore." Hatori said, turning around to see the rapidly fading figure of the van.

" He stopped to get gas and snacks. SUCKER!" Shigure cackled. " He'll NEVER catch up now!"

" I want snacks." Haru complained.

" Haru, my boy, would you rather be in the loser car with snacks or in the WINNER car?" Ayame inquired in a voice that suggested Haru would be an idiot to say the former.

" I want snacks." Haru repeated.

" Wait… do we need gas?" Hatori said worriedly, peering over Ayame's shoulder to see that… THE GAS TANK WAS ALMOST DRY! NOOO!

" It's okay! We're winning!" Shigure exclaimed, as if that made everything a-okay!

And for awhile, everyone believed him. Except for Hatori. But when that poor little car starting to make some STRANGE noises, and the scenery took five minutes to change, and the car wasn't even MOVING, no one believed him.

" Kureno will stop and give us some gas." Shigure said optimistically.

" Can you even do that?" Haru asked sarcastically. 

But of course, when Kureno finally caught up to them, he was so pumped at beating them, he just ZOOMED right past them. Leaving Ayame, Shigure, Hatori, Haru and Kagura stuck alone in the middle of the Sahara Desert of Japan.

OMAKE!

I couldn't find Carl today, because he left a note like this; I DON'T FEEL LIKE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS. I'M GOING TO SIBERIA. So I guess I'll just give you nice normal answers.

Here's the first one from… LARA! Lara Larame, the Ponyta girl! (JUST KIDDING!!)

Lara: Who is Rin?

Me: NOT the stupid little girl that is mute and sings stupid songs from Inuyasha, Rin the HORSE OF COURSE! Rin is the horse in the zodiac that only shows up in the manga. I don't really know her personality or that much about her, so… don't really trust anything I write about her. Of course, if you REALLY wanted to know about her, you could always just look it up on some random website.

I got TWO questions from R-chan, who was also the ONLY person to review my angsty Yuki fic. THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU!

R: Who or what is this 'Shoopuf-dude'? I've never heard of him.

Me: Well, then, you've OBVIOUSLY not read my previous fanfic. But that's okay, because it's about Final Fantasy 7, and FF7 and Furuba are barely related… okay, they're not even related at all. And that fanfic didn't even really explain him either. Shoopuf Dude, if you've ever played FFX, is this crazy little dude that says things like, 'Ride ze Shoopuf?' and ' IMPOSHIBIBBLE!' When Shoopuf Dude let out with the former, I decided he was the coolest thing since sliced bread. And as I really don't think sliced bread is all that cool, he is the coolest thing since… EVER! 

R: Is this story going to continue?

Me: …(looks up at second chapter title) …yes…

And the last question is very… odd…

Princess: can u add a girl dat kyo meets named jailene and then kyo falls in love with her and then some *cough cough stuff cough cough* happens? also if u consider my favor in mind can u make her puerto rican, tall, long dark hair, brown eyes, and considered very cute.

Me: O_o No…

Alright! Look for it next time! Please ask more questions!


	3. Haru's Mission! Aim for Gobstopper!

NOTE: If any of you guys like Final Fantasy 7, please check out my OTHER story. It's under my profile. TOODLES!

Chapter 3

Haru's Mission! Aim for Sucking the Gobstopper Longest!

I'm sure you're all wanting to know what will become of poor Hatori's group after they were stranded in the middle of nowhere, but FIRST we have to find out what kind of SNACKS Kureno's group got! I don't want to get my priorities all mixed up. So this next part happened BEFORE Ayame's car ran out of gas, but AFTER they stopped at the Buddy Barn's Gas Station. Got it? Got it? GOT IT? Good.

BEEEP!!

" Hey, it's a gas station! Let's stop and get some food there!" Kyo exclaimed, because he was very, very hungry and he didn't think he could take it any longer.

" I have to use the restroom!" Momiji whined because he was one of those people that never did right before you leave like you're supposed to.

" I need batteries." Rin said. Everyone turned around to look at her. BATTERIES? But… why? They hadn't seen her with a CD player or a Game Boy the whole trip. Why did she need batteries? Everyone wanted to ask, but then again, Rin is a horse that is easily offended, and they didn't want her yelling at them, so they just didn't ask.

" Well, the car IS almost out of gas…" Kureno sighed, as if it really weren't that big of a deal. " Alright. Everyone can get a drink and a snack, but Rin, you're gonna have to pay for your OWN batteries."

" That's alright. I have my own money. I'll even buy my own snacks and drink." Rin said, and then tossed her hair and opened the door to prance into the gas station like a diva, but they hadn't really stopped the car yet, so she almost fell out of the still moving car. She slammed the door hard, took a few deep breaths, and then went back to looking bored.

And so, Kureno pulled into the Buddy Barn Gas Station while Ayame sped foolishly ahead of them. Everyone piled out of the van, and headed into the gas station. Kyo needed to use the restroom, but since Momiji had said it first, he wasn't about to get into an argument over who gets the restroom first. Plus, it was probably moldy and cockroach infested anyway.

" BATHROOM!" Momiji exclaimed, and fled off to the restroom once they had entered the store. There was only one guy working at the Buddy Barn Gas Station. That Buddy Barn Guy.

" Oh, wait! That's the girl's bathroom!" Said That Buddy Barn Guy, appearing in every single Shoopuf Dude story I ever write in my life.

" It doesn't matter with him." Kureno informed the Buddy Barn Guy casually, but apparently it DID, because Momiji frolicked out of the girl's bathroom and into the boy's one.

" Okay… does everyone know what they want?" Kureno asked the assorted teenagers.

" No." Said everyone, except for Yuki, who didn't say anything. He KNEW what he wanted. Cheese. And lots of it. But you can't just say " CHEESE!" when everyone else is saying that they don't know what they want. Even if you ARE Yuki Sohma.

" Okay…" Kureno sighed, " Let's rendevous by the Perky's Pizza Parlor." He said, pointing to a big pizza booth with a parrot eating pepperoni pleasantly. Oh man, I love alliteration.

" Roger!" Said everyone, only it was 'yokai!' or some other strange japanese equivalent to roger. And so began the search for everyone's snacks.

We'll start with Ritsu, because I was neglecting him. Well, Ritsu had been very quiet about the snacks, because he didn't want to say what he wanted, because then someone ELSE might have wanted what he wanted, and then he would have to apologize for being a copycat. But you know what Ritsu REALLY wanted? A hot dog. A sasuage. A wiener.

So, he looked around for the rotating hot dog thing, but it was hard to find. Finally, after he searched and searched, he found the rotating hot dog thing! There was only one hot dog left, going round and round and round. Ritsu was so happy. For once in his life, no one was there to berate him about eating hot dogs, or depress him by taking his hot dog, or even make him feel so guilty that he didn't even LIKE hot dogs anymore. He reached for the hot dog with shiny eyes making a happy little 'uwaaa…' sound.

" Are you taking that?" Said some random lady with a buisness suit and hair in a bun. She pointed to the hot dog, like she would like it, but didn't HAVE to have it.

" Um… no! No, you can have it!" Ritsu said meekly, and let her get in front of him and take the hot dog away in a little box so she could eat it. He then walked away to go cry in the corner.

Now, we'll move onto Tohru. Tohru was going to get cracker jack, but she decided she would rather get something she could share with everyone. So then she decided to get some candy. But all the cheap candy didn't come with enough to share with everyone, and she couldn't ask Kureno for money to buy a big bag of candy because that would be just plain rude. She would have gotten potato chips, but they would have gotten the van messy. Eventually Tohru decided that if she didn't get ANYTHING she wouldn't have to feel bad about not being able to share with anyone. So she just got a strawberry fanta because she wanta fanta and she LOVED strawberries!

As for Rin… that, my friend, will remain a mystery, because what is Rin, but the horse… of mystery…?

Kureno was waiting for everyone to rendevous with him, sipping a slurpee, because if you were VERY careful, you could drink about three of them, and only pay for one when you checked out. I know you might have thought Kureno was responsible like Hatori, but he's actually conniving like some conniving chicken.

Kyo got some Everlasting Gobstoppers and a Red Bull, even though he hated Red Bull. He just thought it would make him look tough. He got Everlasting Gobstoppers because he felt like this trip was going to take a long, long time.

Yuki wanted to get cheese, but if he only got cheese, it would ruin his image. He decided he would find a way to sneak the cheese without anyone realizing he had a cheese fetish. But how? HOW?

Well, he could get a drink, but that still wouldn't hide what he got to EAT. And he couldn't pay for the cheese seperately, because he didn't have any money. And he couldn't steal it, because stealing was wrong.

How WAS Yuki gonna get that cheese?

Maybe he could get something WITH the cheese that would distract everyone and make them forget about the cheese. He looked over to see what Kyo was doing. He was picking up a box of Everlastng Gobstoppers. Yuki waited for him to leave, and then picked up his own box of Everlasting Gobstoppers. There. Now that would hide the cheese. He went over to get one of those plastic wrapped wedges of cheese, and prayed to the Gods that no one would think it was strange.

Everyone walked back to Kureno to give him their food items except for Rin, who had already paid for them and dissapeared back outside to the car. Kureno was on his fifth slurpee by now, and needed to use the restroom. He figured that he would go pay for their things and then go, and then they would be off!

" HEY!" Kyo yelled, " You got Everlasting Gobstoppers! I'M getting Everlasting Gobstoppers! YOU'RE COPYING ME!" He shook his box of Everlasting Gobstoppers at Yuki angrily.

" You can BOTH get Everlasting Gobstoppers." Tohru said obviously. Well, of course they CAN, but MAY they both get Everlasting Gobstoppers?

Yuki didn't say anything. He was so happy that no one was noticing his cheese!

" You'll get yours, you damn rat!" Kyo promised Yuki, who wasn't even listening. " I'M going to the bathroom!" He declared, as if everybody REALLY needed to know and marched off.

" What's wrong with our little Kyo-chan today?" Kureno said foolishly. Well… he's the CAT!

" Okay, I'll pay for these. Yuki, do you know how to put gas into a car?" Kureno asked Yuki, holding a bag full of groceries. " I've already paid for it, so could you just go fill it up?"

" Um… yeah!" Yuki exclaimed, even though he would probably mess it up, because he's terrible at things like making paper doors and filling car engines with gas. Tohru decided to go with him because she didn't want him to be lonely doing it.

" Ritsu, where's your snack?" Kureno asked.

" I'M SO SORRY!!" Ritsu sobbed, and ran out of the store like a fool.

Kureno shrugged to himself, and was JUST about to pay for all the food, when that lady with the buisness suit from earlier stepped in front of him without even asking. Kureno let it slide though, because he's the chicken… and he let's things slide. ( I know, I know, he's a sparrow, but to this story he will always be… a chicken.)

Kureno waited paitently for the lady to get out her credit card to pay for her hot dog and frozen yogurt, and watched as That Buddy Barn Guy slid her card through the scanner. It made a negative beeping sound, and the lady made some mean little facial gesture.

" I'm sorry, I'll have to scan it again." That Buddy Barn Guy apologized.

" Hurry," said the lady, " I'm in a hurry."

Kureno's arms were getting very tired of holding all the food and he really needed to use the restroom, but he kept his mouth shut. He waited and waited as That Buddy Barn Guy inserted the card in at least twenty different ways, and then watched as That Buddy Barn Guy tried to fix the scanning machine. And not once did he complain. NOT ONCE.

Meanwhile, while all this was happening, Kyo was knocking on the door. " Momiji!" He yelled, since it was one of those one person bathrooms, " What are you doing in there?!"

" I'm brushing my teeth!" Momiji called back cheerfully.

" WHAT? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?!" Kyo yelled.

" Because I have to!"

" But I need to use the restroom!"

" I'M using it!"

" But you're using it to brush your teeth!"

" And floss!"

" ARGH!" Kyo screamed, kicked the door, then stalked outside just in time to save Yuki, Tohru, and Ritsu from an untimely death. I won't tell you just HOW Yuki messed up, but let's just say if our red haired friend hadn't been there, that Van would have… EXPLODED! And as there were no other cars there, they would have been stranded forever and ever. Where is that buisness lady's car, you ask? Well, she doesn't have one. And this is because as soon as she steps out of the store, she will explode.

I think now is the time to introduce the very popular theory called, Hayley's Theory of Explosion. See, if someone, ANYONE just isn't important and isn't going to appear more than once, they simply explode. Just like that. You know those buses that you take just ONCE in your life, and you know that bus driver? He will just simply drive off and explode when the time comes.

In fact, there is a prime example of this actually IN Fruits Basket. In the episode where they go to the Hot Springs, they ride there on a bus. That stupid, random bus driver just drives off, and explodes. Which is why, at the end of the episode, Kyo remarks the bus is late. You know why? BECAUSE THE BUS DOESN'T EVEN EXIST ANYMORE!!

So after that lady had FINALLY gotten done paying for her crazy hot dog and frozen yogurt, Kureno got to pay for the snacks, with CASH, because everyone knows cash is better than credit cards. By now, he had given up on the bathroom. As the buisness lady stepped outside to explode, he carried the bag of snacks out.

" Alright," said Kureno, " Now let me get these snacks out. Fanta?"

" Me!" Said Tohru and took her Fanta.

" Everlasting Gobstoppers?"

" ME!" Screamed Kyo, " MINE IS THE BIGGER ONE!"

" They're both the same!" Said Kureno, holding up a box in each hand.

" Well, this one is MINE, because mine is better than YUKI'S!" Kyo protested, grabbing a random box of Gobstoppers. Yuki really didn't care about Gobstoppers, he cared about his CHEESE.

" Ch-" Kureno started to say, but then Momiji skipped out, with shiny and flossed teeth.

" Hey!" Said Momiji. " I didn't get to buy a snack!"

" Well, I'm not going back in there now that we're all ready to go," Said Kureno. " Can't you just have this cheese?"

" YAY! I like cheese!" Momiji said, taking Yuki's cheese.

" Alright, well, let's go!" Said Kureno as everyone piled into the car. Yuki sobbed for a few seconds into his Everlasting Gobstoppers before following.

" I'm going to suck on this Everlasting Gobstopper longer than YOU, Yuki!" Kyo yelled at Yuki as soon as Yuki got into the car.

Yuki shrugged.

" I'M GOING TO SUCK ON IT FOREVER!" Kyo declared, and did so. He also mentally pledged not to open his mouth until he had beaten Yuki, as not to accidently disturb the Gobstopping. Too bad, because if he had, he would have noticed that they change DIFFERENT COLORS! But at least now he'll SHUT UP for once!

" Rin-san, what are you going to use the batteries for?" Tohru asked Rin curiously, because she wanted to become better friends with Rin.

" My palm pilot." Said Rin.

" Ohh…" Said everyone but Kyo, but really… they didn't know what a palm pilot was! Even I, HAYLEY, don't know what a palm pilot is! Does it even NEED batteries?

_Now I'll show that Mabudachi Trio once and for all that you DON'T CROSS THE LONE CHICKEN!_ Kureno thought to himself, and switched the car into HIGH GEAR!

Radio Disney was playing, ' Hit the Road Jack.'

Momiji was singing along.

Kyo was sucking obsessively on that Gobstopper.

Ritsu was crying because that's what he does best.

Yuki was crying on the inside.

Tohru was beaming randomly.

Rin was doing whatever the hell you do with a palm pilot.

And Kureno was driving faster and faster, and didn't notice when he passed the stranded Mabudachi Trio, Haru, and Kagura.

HOOONK!

" NOW what?" Said Shigure. " We're stranded in the middle of NOWHERE, with NO gas, and NO solar-powered car."

" I don't know." Said Hatori. " Maybe we can push the car all the way back to that gas station and then fill it up."

" That's a GREAT idea!" Said Kagura, Shigure, and Ayame. Hatori, who had secretly thought that it WAS a pretty spiffy idea, set out to push that car. He spent a few stressful minutes sweating and grunting to push the car, when he noticed everyone else was just watching him.

" Um… why aren't you guys helping?" Hatori asked.

" I was GOING to, but then I realized I'd look as stupid as you do right now." Ayame observed. Shigure nodded.

" Maybe someone should walk back for help." Said Kagura.

Nobody really wanted to do that, because they were in the middle of the desert, and buzzards were circling them. However, it was a practical idea… but they needed a non-practical person who wouldn't be that much of a loss if they were eaten by buzzards to do it.

" Hey, Haru?" Hatori called.

" Yeah?" Said Haru.

" We have a mission for you, Haru." Hatori said.  " It is a very important mission that no one else can undertake. It is a mission that takes courage, brains, and a sense of direction." Meaning, respectively, naïvete, idiocy, and someone who will walk around forever until they eventually out of random luck find the right place.

" Oh. I know who can do that." Said Haru excitedly, or as excitedly as our friend Haru can.

" I just said that YOU can do that." Hatori pointed out.

" Yeah, yeah." Haru nodded enthusiastically. " What do you want me to do?"

" We want you to walk back to that Buddy Barn Gas Station we saw earlier for help." Said Hatori.

" Only you can do it." Shigure added emphatically.

" YES! ONLY YOU!" Ayame and Kagura echoed, waving little flags with Haru faces on them.

Haru, who NEVER gets praise or chosen out specially for tasks, felt so wonderful. There was no one telling him that he was too slow to go looking in the desert for the gas station, or that someone else ought to go looking in the desert for the gas station, or even that there was a rat riding on him who would find the gas station before he did.

" Leave it to me." Haru said, with his hand raised in a salute, and began bravely marching slowly… slowly… ever so painfully slowly over a random sand dune. Kagura, Shigure, Ayame, and Hatori continued to wave him off for a full twenty minutes before he was finally gone.

" It was nice knowing him." Shigure sighed, raising his hand down in a salute, as those horns began to play when they're honoring soldiers that have died in battle.

" He died an honorable death." Ayame added. " Needless, yes, but honorable."

" He's not going to die." Hatori protested. He was about to explain to them exactly WHY Haru wasn't, but then he noticed something TERRIBLE! He had sand all over his legs! Oh, Hatori, why did you have to be wearing shorts when you were stranded in the Sahara Desert of Japan of all places! If only you had been wearing PANTS, this could have been avoided!

Hatori slunk silently back behind the car to brush the sand off his legs without anyone noticing. Shigure and Ayame were too busy discussing the details of Haru's future death to notice, and Kagura was too busy thinking about Kyo.

" He was such a nice cow… I mean, boy." Ayame sniffed, pulling a hankerchief out of nowhere.

" Yeah… good thing his life wouldn't have amounted to anything that great." Shigure agreed.

" Think of all the songs he'll never sing… outfits he'll never wear… words he'll never say…" Ayame said dramatically. He really didn't care that much about Haru, he just liked pretending to be part of a tragedy.

Suddenly, there was a close up on Shigure's face and Ayame's words began to echo loudly. words he'll never say… Word's he'll never say… WORDS HE'LL NEVER SAY…

" I MUST KNOW HARU'S SECRET!" Shigure screamed, and went scrambling wildly off after Haru over that random sand dune. Ayame watched him go with a bemused expression.

" Hey," Said Hatori when he had finally gotten all the sand off his legs and come out from behind the car. " Where did Shigure go?"

" You have sand on your ass." Ayame observed.

Hatori grimaced, and humbly walked back behind the car.

BEEEP!

" Kyo-kun, you sure have been sucking on that Everlasting Gobstopper for a long time now!" Tohru observed, since she hadn't spoken to Kyo for awhile and she didn't want him to feel left out.

Kyo just nodded, with a slightly distracted look on his face.

" It must be fun." Said Tohru.

Kyo nodded, with a little anger mark on his forehead.

" It must taste good!" Tohru added.

Kyo nodded with a little anger mark and frog-eyes.

" What flavor is it?" Tohru asked stupidly.

Kyo began thrashing around in his seat, making angry grunting sounds, and generally telling her to shut up without actually doing so. Tohru smiled obliviously at him.

Kyo-kun has such a hard time expressing his feelings. Sometimes he can't even say how he feels. I hope it's strawberry-flavored. I LOVE strawberries!

" Back to the BE-GIIIIINING…" Momiji sang off-key outloud to the horrible, shameless Hilary Duff song playing on Radio Disney.

" Can I see your palm pilot, Rin-san?" Tohru asked Rin.

" NO! YOU'RE TOO _PURE _TO TOUCH MY HORRIBLE, TAINTED PALM PILOT!" Rin screamed, caressing her palm pilot. She startled Yuki, who hit his head against the window like an idiot. " OW…" said Yuki, but no one was paying attention, so he just considered himself lucky. He didn't want to ruin his image. Then again, he didn't want to HAVE an image. And if he HAD to have an image, he didn't want to seem like some guy that just likes cheese and never hits his head against the window. So this time, ON PURPOSE, Yuki 'accidently' hit his head against the window. " Ow…" said Yuki.

Everyone gave him an odd look. Yuki wondered now why he had done something so stupid, so he just went back to thinking about his dream life. You know what that is, don't you? You don't? Well, it's not being able to communicate with people without looking like an awkward, shy little girl. It's living in a house made out of cheese. All sorts of cheeses. All the cheese you can eat, smell, or lick…

Uh…

Okay, I think I've taken this cheese thing a little far. Let's just say Yuki's dream life IS being able to communicate with people without looking like an awkward, shy little girl.

HOOONK!

Luckily, Shigure eventually found Haru buried under some sand. He dug him out and asked Haru what his secret was.

" I'm not telling you." Haru said, spitting sand out of his mouth. Shigure decided he couldn't risk not knowing the secret, so he coaxed Haru back. They met Hatori, who had finally removed all sand from every part of his body.

" Could you not find the gas station?" Hatori asked.

" He fell into the sand and let himself get buried just a few feet away from the dune." Said Shigure.

" I was GETTING up!" Haru said in an annoyed voice.

" Well, since Haru couldn't take on that simple task, NOW what will we do?" Ayame complained.

At that very moment, That Buddy Barn Guy came riding up on his Buddy Barn Breeded Camel. He had a very big grin on his face. " Does anyone need a Buddy Barn Gas Refreshment?" He asked, while holding out a big tank of gas. His Camel yodled randomly.

" NO!" Screamed everyone. Just kidding. They all said " HUZZAH!" Because anyone who knows anything knows that That Buddy Barn Guy is just there to fix any plotholes whatsoever. So, That Buddy Barn Guy filled up the car with gas, then whipped out his magical ocarina and transported off to wherever it is Buddy Barn Guy's go.

Unforunately, the camel was still there, and it was standing right in front of the road, blocking the way. WHAT WILL THEY DO?! Well, you'll find out…

Next time.

A CLIFFHANGER! MWHAHAHAHAHA! (Actually, I just wanted to divide the chapter in two. I already have the second half written. SUCKS FOR YOU! Carl's Corner will come back next time too! LIKE YOU CARE! SUCKS FOR ME!)

PS: Thank you so much for the reviews! I LOVE YOU! But not in a lesbian way.


	4. Hatori and A Camel! Fated Love!

Chapter 4

Hatori and Camel-san? FATED LOVE! / The Bridge Finally Crossed!

" That camel is blocking our way." Hatori stated obviously, as they all stared at the camel that That Buddy Barn Guy had just left standing there after filling up their car with gas. The camel was chewing very slowly and let out an occasional yodel every now and then.

" Can't go around it, can't go over it, can't go under it, LET'S GO THROUGH IT!" Ayame and Shigure sang foolishly, clapping their hands. Hatori sighed.

" We can't run over an innocent animal." Hatori reminded them.

" You can't run over that camel." Haru echoed with an incredulous look. " We're related."

" Haru, you are NOT related to that camel." Kagura put in sensibly.

" I am too." Haru argued. " That camel and I are practically brothers. If I were a cow, I would go up to him and give him a big hug."

" Cows and camels aren't related!" Kagura argued.

" Yes they are." Haru replied. " In fact, I'm related more closely to that camel than I am to you."

" But Haru, we're your COUSINS." Kagura said, as if it were really all that big of a deal that Haru held a random camel in higher regard than his dear cousins.

" Yes. But you're a pig. Ayame's a snake. Shigure's a dog. And Hatori's a piece of plankton. None of those are in the same family as the cow. That camel is Rin and I's closest cousin." Haru said, as the camel yodeled randomly.

" I'm not a piece of plankton. I'm the dragon." Hatori said, offended.

" Oh, yeah, the 'dragon.'" Shigure snorted.

" I'm going to get into the car and honk at the camel. Maybe that will get it to move." Hatori said with only the slightest signs of anger appearing in his voice. He climbed into the driver's seat, and honked the horn at the camel. The camel just yodeled back.

" Honk LOUDER!" Ayame ordered.

Hatori did so. The came took a wavery step and yodeled again.

" Honk loudly and repetitively!" Ayame exclaimed.

Hatori did so. The camel yodeled in reply, and came walking over the the front of the car, and began to drool all over the hood.

" I think that sounded like a camel mating call." Hatori admitted.

" Hatori! This is no time to make the camel fall in love with you!" Shigure said angrily, as if it had been Hatori's intention all along. " Get out of the car!"

Hatori was about to lose his cool, but he never loses his cool, so he stepped outside of the car. As soon as he did, the camel came lumbering up to him with crazy heart shaped eyes. Hatori gave the camel a weird look.

" How come you don't want to see me? I'm your COUSIN." Haru said sadly.

" Go away." Hatori told the camel, which was drooling affectionately all over him.

" Well, while you distract the camel, we'll continue with our vacation!" Shigure said happily, as everyone headed towards the car.

" Oh no, you don't." Hatori said. " You're not leaving me here alone with this camel."

" You can just ride her after us." Said Shigure. " You've always wanted to ride a camel."

" No, I didn't." Hatori argued.

" I want to ride the camel." Haru put in.

" Haru, I don't want to even think about what would happen if you rode after us on a camel." Hatori sighed, pushing the camel away.  " Now go. Go on. Shoo."

The camel gave a yodel of protest. Hatori continued to push it away. Finally, the camel began to plod slowly and sadly away with it's head hung low, sniffing back big camel tears.

" HATORI, YOU'RE SO MEAN!" Everyone yelled.

Hatori didn't feel any remorse for the camel. After all… it would have been better… if he and the camel had never met, or fallen in love. Hatori only brought PAIN and SUFFERING and the CURSE to whoever fell in love with him, camel or not.

And so, they all piled into the car and continued on their journey.

BEEEP!

" We're approaching the mystical bridge between Japan and North Dakota now!" Kureno told everyone excitedly, as they approached what looked like Rainbow Road from Mariokart.

" How did THAT happen?" Asked Yuki.

" Anything that can happen! Expect the Unexpected in the horribly dubbed world of Cardaptors!" Kureno chuckled, and everyone shuddered at the thought of the horribly dubbed world of Cardcaptors.

" There's so many colors!" Tohru exclaimed, looking out her window. " I feel like I'm in a dream!"

" Hey… where's Ayame's car?" Rin pointed out, being the only sensible one.

" Oh… that's strange. Even though, being the Lone Chicken, I expected to beat the Mabudachi Trio here, I didn't expect for them to not show up at all." Kureno said, frowning.

" OH, GOMENASAI! THEY MUST HAVE DEICDED MY PRESENCE TO BE TOO HORRIBLE TO BEAR ON THIS WONDERFUL VACATION!" Ritsu screamed. " BAD DOBBY! VERY BAD DOBBY!" And then he began to hit himself over the head with a teacup.

He continued to writhe and flop around like this, until finally he accidently smacked Kyo right in the chest. Kyo, who had been so busily sucking his gobstopper, gave a start, and DOWN WENT THE GOBSTOPPER! Down…down… oh my, I think it's stuck.

" OH NO! I HAVE HIT KYO! GOMENASAI! GOMENASAI! YOU HAVE SWALLOWED YOUR TASTY CANDY BALL THAT YOU WERE PLANNING ON EATING! GOMENASAI! GOMENASAI! YOU ARE GAGGING AND MAKING CHOKING NOISES! YOUR FACE IS TURNING A FAINT SHADE OF BLUE, OHHH, GOMENASAIIIIII!"

" Kyo-kun!" Tohru yelled foolishly. She grabbed the choking cat because that's what she does when people are hurt, and before you knew it there was a POOF! And Kyo the cat stood there looking pissed. Luckily, the gobstopper had slipped down his throat in the sudden transformation.

" Oh NO!" Cried Tohru, as if she hadn't expected that to happen.

" I'LL KILL YOU ALL!" Kyo the cat promised, fluffing himself out. Everybody laughed, except for Ritsu who took it seriously, and begged for forgiveness.

Oh, Kyo… now he really is the CAT!

" NOW how will I beat Yuki?" Kyo cried.

" You just CAN'T! You never can! AHAHAHAHA!" Kureno laughed evilly.

" You… you can beat him at being a cat!" Tohru pointed out helpfully. " Not that Yuki-kun would be bad at being a cat, I just-"

" THAT'S RIGHT!" Kyo said, but only because he wanted to agree with Tohru and look good. He laughed and pointed one paw at Yuki. " I'm a better cat than YOU'LL EVER BE!"

" Whatever." Said Yuki. " I'll always be a better rat than you."

" NO YOU WON'T! SOMEDAY I'LL BE A MEMBER OF THE JYUNISHI _AND _THE RAT! AND I'LL BE THE PRINCE OF SCHOOL! AND I'LL ALSO BE AKITO'S PLAYTHING!" Kyo promised.

_That would rock… _thought Yuki.

" I still think I'm the best rabbit!" Said Momiji, but no one cared about being the best rabbit, so everyone just ignored him.

" Well, Kyo, we just can't have you sitting there waited to burst back onto the scene naked!" Kureno chuckled. " So I'm afraid this is where you have to stand out in the cold while we wait for you to turn back into a human."

" Are you sure I can stand on that?" Kyo said, pointing his little kitty head towards the Rainbow Road.

" Oh yeah. I forgot. You melt as soon as you step onto that bridge. I guess we'll just have to put you on the car roof with your clothes and hope you don't fall." Kureno smiled.

" You MUST be kidding." Said Kyo.

But no, before he know it, Kyo the cat was sitting on the car roof with his clothing, praying to the Gods that he wouldn't fall off the car and melt. It was bad enough that he would have to be naked and get dressed on the car roof, as that's a pretty uncomfortable place for that to happen.

" This is all my fault…" Said Ritsu sadly back in the car.

" No it's not!" Tohru interjected even though it really was.

" Are we going to wait for Hatori and the others?" Yuki asked Kureno.

" Sure. Why not?" Kureno shrugged. " We have plenty of things to catch up on with each other anyway, being family and all."

Everyone laughed long and hard, and then they all looked boredly out the window.

HOOONK!

" So then, _I _was like, Akito, no you _di'int_!" Ayame said waving one hand foolishly about.

" You tell 'im, girlfriend!" Shigure cheered.

" Are you two going to talk the whole time?" Hatori asked.

" Well, now that _you've _taken the driver's position, I can talk to Gure-san all I want!" Ayame said happily, and he and Shigure gave each other a high five. Kagura was sitting in the front by Hatori now, and Haru was edged away as much as humanly possible from Ayame and Shigure in the back.

" Can you talk about something besides Akito? He depresses me." Hatori complained.

" Well, _you're _the only one who get's depressed when we talk bad about Akito behind his back, because  _you're _the only one that he hit in the head with a vase." Shigure pointed out.

" That's not true." Said Hatori.

" Actually, Akito has never done anything to me. Just my brother." Said Ayame.

" Me either. I don't think Akito cares about the cow." Haru added.

" Akito hates women but he ignores me like everyone else in this story." Kagura said.

" Akito is my bitch." Shigure pointed out.

And so, since Hatori _was _the only one to ever be harassed by Akito, he had to listen to them talk about him and make fun of him the whole car ride, conjuring up all sorts of painful memories of Kana the whole time. POOR HATORI!

" Hey! Look! There's Kureno's car!" Shigure exclaimed, pointing in front of them.

" NOOO! HOW COULD KURENO HAVE BEAT US?!" Ayame and Shigure cried out in horror.

" Um." Said Hatori.

" All that hard work for nothing. It makes my blood boil! Let's ram into them!" Shigure demanded. Then he remembered that Ayame wasn't the one driving anymore. He stared at Hatori who was driving along at a liesurely pace.

" Doesn't it BOTHER you that that Mabudachi Quarter wanna be beat us to the Mystical Bridge that connects Japan to North Dakota?" Shigure asked, as Ayame gave Hatori over the top hintful nods.

" Not particularly." Said Hatori.

" When we catch up to Kureno's car, can I ride with _him_?" Haru asked suddenly.

" Why would you want to ride with Kureno when you can ride with us?" Ayame asked, with a big creepy smile on his face that made Haru think a little about what his answer should be. But only a little.

" Because you guys scare me. And Kagura doesn't do anything."

" I'm the PIG!" Kagura bellowed in a guttural voice randomly.

" See?" Said Haru.

" Fine, Haru. When we catch up to Kureno, we'll just trade you in for some BETTER troubled teenager. Why, you're not even THAT troubled!" Shigure scoffed. " Yuki and Kyo are TEN times more troubled than you'll ever be!"

" But I have multiple personality syndrome…" Haru complained.

" Oh, we all have that." Sighed Shigure in disgust, waving one hand dismissively.

" Hey, look! Kureno's speeding up!" Ayame exclaimed, pointing ahead. And indeed, Kureno's car was starting to hurtle forward at a breakneck speed.

_NOBODY DEFEATS OR EVEN TIES WITH THE LONE CHICKEN! _Kureno thought to himself furiously, and kicked the car into… wait for it… waaaaait for it… HIGH GEAR!

" Hey… this looks just like Rainbow Road." Hatori said, but then realized he'd just revealed that he had played a Nintendo before, and he flinched in shame even though no one cared.

" And you know what you do on Rainbow Road- RACE!" Shigure said, punching enthusiastically ahead.

" Well, I ususally fall. There's no gates to keep you from falling off!" Ayame chuckled.

" Which is why we'll continue at our slow, leisurely pace." Hatori said sternly.

" Awww…" Said everyone.

So, they drove and they drove, and once, Hatori fell off, but as they all plummeted screaming to certain doom, that little Lakitu guy came to save them so YAY! Lakitu shook his trafficlight at them scoldingly, and they made it the end of the Mystical Bridge Between Japan and North Dakota without anymore mishaps.

They met Kureno's van at the end where the rainbow ended, and a small tunnel led through to the normal landscape of North Dakota. As I've never been to North Dakota, you'll just have to imagine how that looks for yourself. In less you DO live in North Dakota… and if you do… I WON'T QUESTION YOU!

" I've beat you again, Mabudachi Trio!" Kureno laughed evilly when Hatori pulled up next to them.

" What do you mean? This is the first time you've beaten us. We're tied." Shigure protested.

" No, actually, he's won twice." Hatori said, because he secretly enjoyed Shigure and Ayame getting dissapointed over stupid things.

" NOOOOO!" Shigure and Ayame screamed.

" YES!" Kureno said, and honked the horn.

HONK! BAM!

Wait… bam?

" Why is Kyo lying naked on the ground unconcious?" Hatori asked after watching Kyo roll off the roof of Kureno's van and just splat onto the ground.

" Um… yaoi?" Kureno said uneasily.

" That is NOT the answer to everything." Hatori replied.

" Oh dear. I forgot that we were supposed to wait for Kyo to turn back into a human. He must have been holding on for dear life the whole time!" Kureno laughed.

" My clothes… where are my clothes?" Kyo mumbled deleriously.

" I think they flew off that way." Said Kureno, throwing the shiny thing you use to keep the car cool over Kyo's body. " But that's okay, I have some extra clothes for you. You can change into them when we get to the hotel!"

" What hotel?" Hatori asked.

" THAT hotel!" Kureno said, pointing to a hotel that just bounced onto the landscape randomly. It was called… Crazy Gringo Hotel.

And so, they drove forward to the Crazy Gringo Hotel. Then they drove back because they had forgotten Kyo. THEN, they drove halfway but had to stop because Ritsu had a nervous breakdown. THEN they drove past it to see if there was any other hotel besides Crazy Gringo Hotel. But there wasn't, so they went back to the Crazy Gringo Hotel.

CARL'S CORNER!

I couldn't find Carl today, because he left a note like this; I DON'T FEEL LIKE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS. I'M GOING TO BELGIUM. So I guess I'll just give you nice normal answers.

Jailene-Person: Can you still have a girl named Jailene?

Me: IF YOU ASK ME THAT ONE MORE TIME… okay. Ask me one more time and I'll put her in.

Person: What was the Stella reference in Chapter 1?

Me: Um… I actually DON'T KNOW! One day at my school this girl ran down the hall screaming, " STELLLAAAAAAA!" And it's kinda stuck with me since then. If anyone knows where that's from, I'd appreciate it. Unless that girl was just shouting for someone named Stella.

…

COME ON! SEND CARL MORE QUESTIONS! You HAVE to be more inquisitive than that! It doesn't even have to be about Fruits Basket! It can be about CROUTONS for all I care!

For example;

Random-Person: Hayley, why don't you like ranch dressing?

Me: BECAUSE I LIKE CROUTONS!

See? It's that easy. Sheesh.

Next time…

AKITO'S HITCHIKING ADVENTURE!


	5. Akito's Hitchhiking Adventure!

Chapter 5

Akito's Hitchiking Adventure!

Hey! Hey! REMEMBER AKITO? That's right, he was in the first chapter if you read the first chapter. If you didn't read the first chapter, you're one of those lazy people that just reads the updated chapter before deciding you like the story or not, THEN you read the whole thing. Well, if you DID read the first chapter, you'll remember Akito was in it. And you'll remember he was on his way to RUIN the Sohma Family Vacation!

But this chapter is about Motoko.

…just kidding! Who cares about Motoko? Let's get on with the Akito chapter.

" But how am I supposed to FIND them?" Akito whined at the little white bird who was sitting on his head. " They could be ANYWHERE."

" Things are easy when you have a bird's eye view of the world!" The bird laughed foolishly, and flew around in circles.

" But I can't fly." Akito pointed out.

" Oh yeah. Well, sucks for you." Said the bird. " We'll rendezvous at North Dakota." And with that, he flapped off to North Dakota.

" HEY! HEY! YOU CAN'T JUST LEAVE ME HERE!" Akito protested, but DA-HUCK! The bird just had. Akito yelled and threw vases around his room for a little while, before fainting because of high blood pressure. Then he spasmed for a little while. Then he managed to stand up and crawl out of the door.

" Where are you going, Akito-sama?" Asked one of those old ladies that come to take people away when Akito bashes them and breaks their bones.

" Out for a walk." Akito replied as he inched past them like a human worm.

After about three hours, Akito managed to get out of the Main House and halfway to the Main Gate, but then he couldn't crawl anymore. He lay down, shivering in the cold, cold winter snow and dehydrated from the hot, hot summer sky, and wet from the harsh, harsh spring rain and buried in the colorful, colorful fall leaves.

" I can't go on anymore! I can't!" Akito whispered weakly, and cried big crocodile tears.

" Akito…" Said a mysterious woman's voice. " Akito…"

" Momma? MOMMA?!" Akito yelled like a hick.

" Akito… you can do it. Remember, your invincible spell…" Said the woman's voice.

" I think I can! I think I can! I think I can! CHOO-CHOO!" Akito cried victoriously and continued to scoot through the rain and the snow and the heat and the leaves. And soon, he wasn't just crawling… he was hopping! And then he wasn't hopping… he was walking! And then he wasn't walking… he was running! Then he fell down. But then he got back up… and he was walking again!

" I'M FREE!" Akito cheered, bursting out of the Main Gate. He did a little victory dance until he started coughing really hard. Then he continued to hobble down the sidewalk.

" Here I come, you miserable excuse for a box of animal crackers. You'll rue the day you crossed the head of the Sohma household. And this time, I won't just injure the women and fondle the men. I'll KILL the women and fondle the men!" Akito promised to himself.

But for now, Akito didn't know what he was doing. After all, Akito almost NEVER leaves the main house, and when he does, he has an adult driving him around. Like when he went to the school and had all the leaves flying past him. Not when Yuki had all the leaves flying around him. See, in the beginning, Yuki was also kind of evil and had leaves flying around him. But then Tohru made him GOOD, so I guess the leaves just didn't feel welcome anymore.

Uh… yeah.

But Akito usually had a chauffeur that drove him anywhere. Like, one day, when it was raining and Kyo went into his true form, Akito said to his chauffeur, " Hey, Rick. Take me out into the forest so I can be bitchy to Honda Tohru." So he DID!

But unfortunately, this was Rick's day off, so Akito was forced to fend for himself. He continued along until he came across a large metal vehicle with many people riding on it. Akito walked out in front of the street to stand in it's way, and waited until somebody paid attention to him.

" Hey, YOU! You, the one in the dress! Outta the way!" Yelled the bus driver who was ready to drive away his exploding bus and explode, but AKITO was in the way! The NERVE!

" I demand passage aboard your vehicle-thing." Akito said.

" Do you have any money?" The bus driver asked.

" NO." Said Akito like it was a stupid question.

" Then no. Now get out of the way." The bus driver sighed.

" OMAE… NO… SEA DAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Akito shrieked suddenly, and threw one of his spare vases at the bus's windows. The bus driver watched the vase fall pitifully short of the window and motioned for Akito to move.

" Oh… oh YEAH! WELL, WHO CARES?! I DON'T NEED YOU! I DON'T NEED ANYBODY!" Akito yelled rebelliously, and stomped out of the way.

" Sheesh. PEOPLE." Said the bus driver, and then exploded.

With buses and taxis out of the question, Akito decided to take up something he had no experience in; HITCHIKING! Of course, first he needs to learn how to hitchhike. But that's okay, because Akito has his own unique way of hitchhiking. He began pitching vases into traffic at incoming vehicles until one of them actually stopped to see what he wanted.

" Hey buckaroo!" Said a stupid father wearing glasses with a tacky accent from some country I don't care about, " Why so blue?" He was driving a van with some stupid little kid in the back wearing a baseball cap and playing game boy.

" I need you to drive me to North Dakota." Akito commanded, as if everyone knew who he was. " I am the great Akito Sohma."

" Well, shucks howdy! I'm Dave Sohma. And back there is Bubba Sohma! Say hello to our relative Akito here, Bubba." Dave Sohma chuckled foolishly, a lot like Kureno. Maybe their cousins or something.

" DAD! I'M PLAYING THE GAAAAME!" Bubba Sohma yelled in an aggravated little voice, not even looking up from his game boy.

" Well… as Sohma, you must drive ME, your LEADER, to North Dakota." Akito decided.

" Well, I don't know about North Dakota… how about Ben and Jerry's?" Dave Sohma asked with a big smile.

Akito thought about this for awhile. " Okay." He said. He crawled into the backseat of the car to sit next to Bubba Sohma, while Dave Sohma said something corny. " Right, Bubba?" Dave Sohma chuckled.

" Shut up DAAAAD!" Bubba Sohma screamed.

" Quit screaming like that, you little brat! It hurts my ears!" Akito hissed at Bubba Sohma.

" SHUT UP! I have Level FIFTY-FOUR and they can KILL you!" Bubba Sohma argued, still not looking up from whatever game he was playing. " And I have level SEVENTY and he can KILL you!"

" No he can't." Akito argued.

" Yes, he can." Bubba Sohma said in a calm, slow voice, as if he were going too fast for Akito, and pressed a few buttons and stared down at the screen intently.

" NO HE CAN'T!" Akito raged, about ready to pull out another vase.

Bubba Sohma actually LOOKED up from his game boy, and scoffed in Akito's general direction. " Loser." Said Bubba Sohma.

Akito, who had never been called a loser or scoffed at before, didn't know what to do. He just sort of froze with his eyes dilated and shaking like in the last episode and fumed. But obviously, Bubba Sohma had won the feud, and there was nothing he could do about it now.

" We're at Ben And Jerry's! Want a sundae, Bubba?" Dave Sohma said, pulling into Ben And Jerry's.

" NO! I WANTED BRAUMS!" Bubba Sohma shrieked.

" Oh, well, okay, we'll go as soon as Akito leaves. Do you need any money?" Dave Sohma asked Akito, who dearly wanted to get out of that car.

" NO." Said Akito, who didn't even understand the concept of money.

" Okay, well, shucks howdy!" Dave Sohma chuckled, and they booted Akito out of the car and drove off into the sunset and then exploded.

Akito knew that the bird had told him to go to North Dakota and not Ben and Jerry's, but for all he knew Ben and Jerry's lead to North Dakota! He stared at the door for awhile until he remembered how to open them, and walked in.

" Hey, you! You can't come in here." Some random guy said after Akito began to wander around the Ben and Jerry's in a seemingly aimless manner.

" Who says?" Akito argued, entranced by all the ice cream.

" This isn't a place for homeless people to sleep. If it was, the sign would say so." The random security guard guy said. I've decided his name will be Security Fred. Security Fred shook his head and made a clucking sound at Akito. " Look at you! You don't even have any shoes!"

" I'm dressed in the formal attire of the Sohma Household." Akito said proudly.

" Well, to me it looks like you've cut up some window drapes and decided to wear them. Now get out before I MAKE you get out." Security Fred said in a no nonsense voice.

" You'll regret this." Akito grumbled and marched out of the Ben and Jerry's. And I'm sure he will, Akito, I'm sure he will. Akito walked for a little while longer, but he really didn't know where he was going, so in the end he just sat down on a bench and sighed.

" How am I supposed to get to North Dakota if I don't even know where it _is_?" Akito whined in his nasal Justin Timberlake dub voice. Or his creepy, lispy japanese voice. Your choice! DA-HUCK! I rhymed.

" Zip ah dee doo dah, zip ah de day! My, oh my what a wonderful day!" Sang That Buddy Barn Guy gaily as he marched down the street with his hands on his waist and a giant smile on his face.

" AH! NO! IT BURNS!" Akito yelled in agony since that song was just too JOYOUS for his ears. That Buddy Barn Guy stopped in front of Akito and gave him an oblivious smile, unaware as to why Akito was writhing.

" What's the matter? Are you in need of anything?" He asked.

" I don't know where North Dakota is." Akito complained.

" Well, this is your lucky day because I've got Buddy Barn Maps for sale right here!" That Buddy Barn Guy chuckled like Kureno, and whipped one out from nowhere. " From Japan to North Dakota, right? That'll be five dollars."

Akito took out a vase and gave That Buddy Barn Guy a meaningful look.

" But for you, it's FREE!" That Buddy Barn Guy enthused, and handed over the map. Then he whipped out his magical ocarina and transported off to wherever Buddy Barn Guy's go.

" Alright!" Akito cheered, and did his little victory dance, and then went through ANOTHER coughing fit. Then he sat down to figure out that map!

" Okay." Said Akito. " So if Japan is here… and North America is THERE… then I need to be walking WEST!" Akito didn't stop to think that walking west would eventually just lead him to the Atlantic Ocean, and began plodding bravely west. Except it was north, since Akito's sense of direction was so screwed up.

After awhile, Akito became discouraged again. He didn't WANT to walk on foot from Japan to North Dakota. All he REALLY wanted was to go home and sleep, and wake up in the morning to the sound of ANGST. He was just about to give up, go home, and do just that, when who should drive up, but… KAZUMA!

WOO-HOO! IT'S KAZUMA! OI, OI, OI, YEAH, YEAH, LET'S SING ABOUT KAZUMA!

Kazuma is a sensei,

The Sohma is who he TRAINS!

He trains them very nicely,

He trains them in the PLAINS!

He's the only one who knows,

What it's like to be Kyo,

And why is that? (Why is that?)

Because his grandfather was the cat!

Because… his grandfather was… the CAAAAAAAT!

…

" Kazuma! Stop!" Akito commanded as Kazuma started to stealthily drive past him.

" Oh, hey Akito. Didn't, uh, notice you there." Kazuma lied, looking ahead longingly. " What are you doing so far away from the Main House?"

" I need to go to North Dakota." Akito said, pushing down on the car door handle, only to discover it was locked. He jiggled it for awhile, but it wouldn't open. He glared at Kazuma who was whistling innocently.

" So, why are you driving around?" Akito asked. He couldn't be all mean to Kazuma because… uh… Kazuma is SHISHOU! And he's the MAN!

" I was looking for……………………………………….KYO." Kazuma ended after a giant dramatic pause. " I can't find him."

" He's in North Dakota. They're ALL in North Dakota, the idiots." Akito said angrily, rubbing his hands together in an evil little way. " But we can catch up to them, you and I."

" HEY! Why didn't they invite me? I taught half of them the martial arts. And I'm more important than RITSU!" Kazuma said, offended. " Why didn't…………………KYO tell me he was going?"

" Because he hates you! EVERYONE HATES YOU! YOU'RE A MISERABLE WORM!" Akito yelled. " OMAE…NO…SAE DAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

" This isn't making me want to help you, by the way." Kazuma pointed out.

" Sorry." Akito said uneasily. " Now let me in so we can go find them together! And extract our revenge!"

" I would NEVER extract anything from……………..KYO except for love and care and fatherly affection!" Kazuma said with a kind look, and shook his head with a sad smile, but let Akito into the car in anyway.

" I'm on my way, strange little birdie!" Akito said out loud.

" WHAT?" Kazuma asked, turning around to give Akito a weird look.

" Um… nothing. Now drive forth, minion!" Akito commanded.

" Whatever." Said Kazuma, and he turned up the radio. I don't know what kind of music Kazuma likes, but I assume it's mildly laughable, so it'll just be that Rockabye song. Kazuma hummed along absentmindedly, and began to think obsessively of the color orange.

For a split second, Akito thought it might be nice if he and Kazuma were just going to be a PART of the vacation and not ruin it, but his heart was three sizes smaller than a normal one, and the idea quickly faded.

" Help! I've turned into a fruit bat! Won't you guys find a way to break my wife's spell?" Cid Fabool, formerly known as Oglop Cid squeaked, flapping after them. He then realized that they couldn't hear him, and he was too late to be a main staple in the plot.

CARL'S CORNER!

I couldn't find Carl today, because he left a note like this; I DON'T FEEL LIKE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS. I'M GOING TO NORWAY. So I guess I'll just give you nice normal answers.

I got a lot of questions this time! (heart, heart) Lesse…

Metal Chocobo: Do you know anyone that lives under a bridge? Do they talk to you? Is it creepy?

Me: The troll from the Three Billy Goat's Gruff! He doesn't talk to me but he's REALLY creepy! HORRIBLY CREEPY!

Person: Why did you make Haru so dumb?

Me: Haru's not DUMB, he's just… SPECIAL. I dunno. Haru's just kinda slooow. REALLY slow. I mean, you really can't get slower than that. Unless there was a slug in the Jyuunishi. Wouldn't that be WONDERFUL?!

Person: Will you ever have Black Haru?

Me: Yes, yes I will. Because if you read the FF7 one, Black Haru is very fun. And who knows? Maybe Haru has OTHER personalities?! Hey, it could happen…

Well… that was more questions! YAY! So send MORE! MOOOORE! And hopefully Carl will BE here next time!


	6. The Crazy Gringo Hotel!

Chapter 6

The Crazy Gringo Hotel!

Well, all of the Sohma and Tohru had finally pulled into a hotel called The Crazy Gringo Hotel. Now, just so you know, it wasn't a NICE hotel. It was a very EVIL hotel. It even had a evil black cloud and lightning bolts above it. It had a big sign that said ENTER IF YE DARE and skull and crossbones and creepy background music that played as they neared it. But it was the only hotel in North Dakota for miles around, so they all continued on bravely.

They parked in the parking lot, which was empty, but unfortunately all the parking spaces were marked Handicapped. But Kureno had Kyo and Hatori had Haru, and if that didn't work, Kagura could always just break someone's leg.

" I don't _want _to go to the Crazy Gringo Hotel," said Haru.

" Nobody _wants _to go to the Crazy Gringo Hotel, Haa-kun, but sometimes you just HAVE to." Shigure said in a sympathetic voice, as they all stopped to step out of the way of a man who was running out the front door of the hotel screaming, " OH MY GOD, MAKE IT STOP!"

" Couldn't we just sleep in the cars?" Yuki pointed out.

" No." Said Shigure, who was secretly enjoying everyone having to go to a Crazy Gringo Hotel.

" WHY NOT?!" Screamed everyone but Tohru, Kureno, Rin, Ayame and Hatori. And Shigure.

" AYA!" Shigure screamed.

" GURE-SAN!" Ayame screamed, and a giant pink heart came from nowhere in the background. Everyone decided they could deal with the Crazy Gringo Hotel for awhile.

" Welcome to the Crazy Gringo Hotel!" Said some random exploding doorman. He opened the door for them, and let them through, then exploded.

" I get the bed!" Momiji yelled foolishly.

" Momiji, it's not like we're all going to be staying in the same room together. There's twelve people here." Hatori told Momiji. INDEED! They were all going to have pair up in groups for the night!

They walked up to the front desk, and everyone shouted, " HEY YOU! CRAZY GRINGO!"

" Yeah, I'm comin', I'm comin'." Said that Crazy Gringo grumpily, stomping up to the front desk. He then looked suspicously at the assorted Sohma Family, and counted them slowly. As he did, the Sohmas all looked around the inside of the hotel and at how… GRINGOISH it was. No one felt very good about staying there.

" Hey, you guys! How would you like to stay in the BUDDY BARN Fantasy Hotel INSTEAD?" That Buddy Barn Guy asked, appearing out of nowhere.

" I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NOT TO COME ROUND HERE!" That Crazy Gringo screamed, since That Buddy Barn Guy is his archenemy, and took out a shotgun and fired a few rounds at That Buddy Barn Guy.

" TOODLES!" That Buddy Barn Guy yelled, and dived out of the door, barely missing the bullets.

" Alright, thanks to the magic of technology, your rooms are ready. You just have to decide who's with who. And pay me." That Crazy Gringo said.

" OH YOU CRAZY GRINGO!" Everyone said, and Ayame took out a huge wad of money that was probably more than enough to pay him with. That Crazy Gringo shuffled away and began counting his money and laughing like Mr. Potter.

Okay… so now the rooms…

Well, the Mabudachi Trio were DESTINED to be together, so they were all in the same room. And Hatori was the only one that was immune to Ayame and Shigure's antics. Hatori would have LIKED to be alone without anyone to bother him so he could finish doing whatever it is he's never finishing, but OH WELL.

All the girls were sharing a room, because they're girls.

Yuki was sharing a room with Haru and Momiji. UH-OH. Just kidding. Or… maybe not.

" WHAT? THE LONE CHICKEN SHARES A ROOM WITH NO ONE!" Kureno yelled as soon as he found out that he was sharing a room with Kyo. Who was still naked and unconcious by the way.

" But Kyo's the CAT! He's a loner too. It's like you're both alone." Said Shigure.

" Only NOT!" Kureno retorted.

" You said you had clothes for him anyway." Hatori pointed out.

" I KNOW what I said, Hatori." Kureno snapped angrily, but didn't argue anymore after that. After all… he meant what he said and he said what he meant, and a Kureno's word is a hundred percent!

Ritsu was sharing a room with Shoopuf Dude.

GOT IT? Well, not that they're not in cars anymore, I have no way to creatively switch between scenes. So in the end, I'm just going to say HOOONK! When I want to switch between scenes. ARGH! It pains me to be so cheap! ARGH!

HOOONK!

" Where's our bed?" Hatori asked as the Mabudachi Trio stepped into their room to see a normal hotel room with ugly wallpaper and a carpet that didn't match and a television with only nine channels and all those other stupid cheap hotel things. But it didn't have a bed. Just lots of carpet.

" What kind of hotel doesn't have a BED?" Ayame demanded with his hands on his hips at the doorway.

Well, you guys ARE at The Crazy Gringo Hotel.

" I guess we'll just have to sleep on the floor." Hatori sighed, setting down all the luggage because Shigure and Ayame had made him carry it.

" But it's HARD. And COLD." Ayame complained, looking like he'd rather walk over broken glass than step on that carpet.

" It's okay, Aya. We'll warm each other with… BODY HEAT!" Shigure cheered, and frolicked into the room to find the remote.

" Um… no." said Hatori, but he was ignored. He decided to go put all the luggage up and then spread out the sleeping mats, and then take out all the toothbrushes and toothpaste. Ayame and Shigure would have helped him but… they didn't.

" I can't find the remote!" Shigure whined. " Where is it, Haa-san?"

" I don't know." Hatori replied. " It's not like I live here."

" But now we have no way of entertaining ourselves." Ayame and Shigure whined, both laying on their backs and staring up at the wall like the most pathetic beings in the universe.

" Read a book." Hatori replied automatically, seeing as he lived with Momiji, he heard this complaint a lot.

" We don't HAVE any books. Duh." Ayame replied irritably.

" Read this." Hatori said, throwing some random best selling novel about Doctors he was reading at them. Shigure caught it, and they both started to read it intently. Hatori sighed, and finished setting up all the sleeping mats while they were busy.

" This book is STUPID." Ayame said after about half a page. " Don't you have a better book than this?"

" That's a best selling novel." Hatori replied. HE thought it was a great book, but then again, who cared what Ayame and Shigure thought?

" I could write a better book than this while I was asleep." Shigure agreed. " In fact, I DID."

" Shigure, you didn't write a book in your sleep. And I know you could certainly not write a best-selling one." Hatori aruged, throwing Ayame and Shigure's pajamas at them.

" Oh, SURE, just because you can erase people's memories you think you're better than them. And it's just like you to have me read a DOCTOR book. ' Look at me, I'm Hatori! I'm a doctor!'" Shigure said in a high-pitched voice that didn't sound like Hatori at all, and began to dance around. " ' I wear shorts!'"

Poor Hatori still didn't understand why everyone found his shorts so funny and scary, but he didn't say anything. He simply walked over and took his book back, and ignored Shigure. But this reminded him that he needed to change out of those shorts for good. He found his suitcase full of clothes and looked through it.

But there was nothing but shirts and boxers and ties and other stuff that aren't pants in it. There was some extra pairs of shorts that he had bought, but he couldn't find any pants. And he KNEW he had packed some… but where were they?

" Have you guys seen my pants?" Hatori asked them.

Shigure and Ayame looked up from laughing and shook their heads innocently.

" Did you guys STEAL my pants?" Hatori asked.

" GEEZ, Hatori, we're not in high school anymore." Shigure said, rolling his eyes.

" Can you not find your pants?" Ayame asked, trying to be helpful, but then he and Shigure started laughing hysterically.

Hatori just gave up then and there and went into the bathroom to put the toothbrushes up. Now he was stuck in the shorts ALL VACATION! ARGH! Hatori almost bashed his head against the medicine cabinet, but made himself stop.

As he was puttng away the toothbrushes and toothpaste and stuff like that, he noticed that the remote was inside the bathtub. WHY or HOW it had gotten there, he couldn't understand, but he picked it up and didn't ask any questions. He changed into his pajamas and then stepped back out.

" I'm ready to help now, Tori-san!" Ayame said enthusiastically, having grown bored of making fun of the book with Shigure. Shigure was reading lines from the novel outloud mockingly.

" What do you mean? I've already done everything." Hatori said in a miffed voice.

" ' He took his coat and walked away from the GAZEBO!' Oooooh, GAZEBO! Maybe if I put that word in MY book, it would become a best seller!"

" Oh. Are you sure?" Ayame said. " Because I'd be happy to help."

" Oh, look, here's an important part. Hey, Haa-san, did you know Doctor Wright DIES?"

" Quit that." Hatori snapped, because he had NOT known that Doctor Wright died.

" Hey, is that the remote?" Ayame asked, looking down at Hatori's hand.

" And did you know that ASHLEY'S HUSBAND KILLED HIM FOR HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH HER?!" Shigure gasped dramatically, waving the book around.

Hatori yelled out in shock and alarm and dissapointment because he had just KNOWN that Ashley girl was up to no good, but it was mentally, so all he really did was march across to Shigure and snatched the book away before he could ruin Hatori's magical reading experience furtherly.

" I'll take that." Said Hatori, even though he had OBVIOUSLY taken it, so it just made him look sort of dumb.  He then looked at the book at a loss for purpose, and flung it aimlessly at some corner. " Here," He said to Shigure, " It's the remote."

" YAAAAY!" Shigure said, and took it, and turned it to Channel NINE! And it was MASH!

" NOOOOOOO!" Screamed everyone but Hatori, who liked it, because it had doctors in it.

So then, Shigure turned it to channel FIVE! It was Must See TV!

" Oh, look Hatori. Your FAVORITE shows. Scrubs and ER!" Shigure jeered, turning the TV up to max volume just as it went to a Chevy, Driving Texas commercial. And since I live in Texas and only know the TEXAS jingle for Chevy, I assume in North Dakota it's just… Chevy, Driving North Dakota.

Actually, ER WAS one of Hatori's favorite shows, so he sat down and got ready to watch it contently. Shigure decided to quit teasing Hatori, and Ayame had gone into another bout of Hero-Worshipping Hatori, so they were all peaceful and Mabudachish for awhile.

" That's GROSS!" Ayame exclaimed as some stupid random lady blew herself up in the car on ER. (NOT because she was an unimportant one-time character, mind you. Because she was stupid and depressed.) " Why would you do that?"

" Wouldn't it be funny if Akito did that?" Shigure asked.

Ayame and Shigure laughed foolishly, but Hatori didn't think it would be that funny.

" AHHH! THAT'S DISGUSTING!" Ayame and Shigure yelled later when there was a scene where Dr. Carter is having to do medical work on the ugly crispy suicidal lady.

" How can you DO that?" Shigure demanded of Dr. Carter.

" Well, sometimes it's just all in a days work for a doctor." Said Hatori, but then he realized how stupid and Herculian it made him sound.

" Have YOU ever had to work on a crispy person, Tori-san?" Ayame asked.

" No." Said Hatori.

" Would you?" Shigure chimed in.

" I don't think I will."

" What if I just so happened to accidently explode myself? Would you work on me?" Shigure wanted to know. " Would you be able to handle it? Would you be able to take the pressure?"

Suddenly, Hatori began to feel very self-concious and wished randomly that he didn't just have shorts to wear. " Quit asking stupid questions and let me finish watching the show." He said, but ER's ending credits were already rolling.

Then they all watched Jay Leno, but only because they were waiting for Conan O Brien. When Conan came on, everyone laughed long and heartily. Then it was over.

" Good night Tori-san!" Said Ayame.

" Good night Ayame." Hatori said unenthusiastically.

" Good night Gure-san!" Said Ayame.

" Good night Aya!" Said Shigure. " Good Night Haa-san!"

" Good night Shigure." Hatori sighed.

" I love you Gure-san!"

" I love you Aya!"

And then a pause…

" WE LOVE YOU HATORI!"

Hatori ignored them as they began to laugh at him and his pantless self again.

Hatori couldn't fall asleep, so for awhile he just watched the late night movie. But everyone in it was wearing pants, and this just made him jealous, so he turned it off and tried to go to sleep.

HOOONK!

 " We are girls!" All the girls said.

" Good night, minna-san! Have WONDERFUL dreams!" Tohru exclaimed contently.

" I'll have dreams of KYO-KUN!" Kagura assured her.

" I'll have depressing dreams that are just flashbacks disguised as dreams." Rin said.

" Just hearing that, my heart is full!" Tohru sighed.

And so they all went to sleep because they're girls and don't waste time like the foolish men.

HOOONK!

 " SHOTGUN!" Momiji called, frolicking into the room joyously, followed by Yuki and Haru. " Oh look! There's TWO beds. But I thought there was only supposed to be one."

" Why do we have an extra bed?" Yuki asked curiously. Haru was trailing behind, because they had made him carry all their stuff because he's the ox!

" YAY!" Momiji cheered because two beds are better than one, because… you can bounce from one to another. And so Momiji began to capriole wildly from one bed to another.

" Momiji, stop that, or you'll hit your head and hurt yourself." Said Yuki, sounding remarkably like a demure, soft-spoken woman with authority. Oh, wait a minute.

" OKAY!" Said Momiji, not doing so.

" Oh. We don't have a couch." Haru said upon reaching the door.

" Did you really expect there to be a couch?" Momiji asked Haru.

Haru shrugged. " Not really."

" HEY! Let's play truth or dare!" Momiji exclaimed, still jumping from bed to bed.

" Who gets to sleep in the beds? Since there's two." Yuki said.

" Well, if there was a couch, I would have slept on it. But seeing that there are two beds, I will sleep on the sleeping bag we have brought." Haru said in a slow, knightly honorable manner.

" But that's not fair for you, Haru!" Momiji protested.

" It really isn't." Yuki agreed.

" So I can sleep with you, Yuki?" Haru asked hopefully.

"… I guess." Yuki sighed.

" But then I'll be all alone!" Momiji said, bouncing up and down on the one bed.

" And I don't want Momiji to be all alone." Haru added.

" I don't think all three of us can fit on one bed." Yuki said.

" Oh…" Said Haru and Momiji in small, dissapointed voices that made Yuki feel like a heel.

" HEY! I just had a great idea!" Momiji yelled, bouncing off the bed. " We can put both the beds together to make one BIG bed!"

" Wow. That is SO smart." Haru said, looking at Momiji as if he had just solved the hardest algebra equation in the world.

" Okay." Yuki said, who really by now wouldn't have minded sleeping outside in a little hole in the ground.

And so, with the SILVER CRYSTAL POWER OF FRIENDSHIP, they connected both of the beds. Then they changed into their pajamas. For some reason, they didn't have a TV, and none of them were THAT tired, so Momiji asked if they could play Truth or Dare again.

" Okay, fine." Said Yuki.

" YAY!" Said Momiji.

" How do you play?" Yuki asked.

" ARGH!" Haru and Momiji screamed and killed Yuki so that he would never ask them that question again. Just kidding. Haru loves Yuki and Momiji loves everyone so they just explained it paitently to him.

" Ohhh…" Yuki nodded, as if it were really all that complicated. He just hoped he wouldn't embarrass himself in THIS game! Of course, it was Truth or Dare, so it's BOUND to happen! MUWAHAHAHA!

" Me first! Truth or Dare Haru?" Momiji asked Haru excitedly.

Haru thought and he thought and he thought and FINALLY, he said, " Dare."

Momiji laughed evilly, and you could tell he had a REALLY embrassing dare for Haru. Haru was so out of it though that he wasn't scared at all!

" I dare you… to go outside, knock on Hari's door, then RUN AWAY before he catches you!" Momiji exclaimed as if it were the most original dare ever. Which it wasn't.

" Okay." Said Haru bravely, and walked out of the room. He didn't think about how perhaps Hatori would be exhausted and he would be disturbing the poor man's rest and relaxation. This was the DARE! Now he could prove himself once and for all as the ox that did things RIGHT! YEAAAAH!

" Alright Yuki, YOUR turn. Truth or dare?" Momiji asked.

" Uh… truth." Yuki decided, because memories of the DRESS came swimming back to him.

" Who do you LIKE?" Momiji said eagerly, once again the most common QUESTION for truth. But Momiji thought he was a GENIUS for thinking all this up!

Well, Yuki would have said Tohru but Natsuki Takaya pretty much screwed that option, so now, the object of Yuki's affection was… NO ONE! Yuki didn't LIKE-LIKE anyone! Nobody in the whole wild wonderful world of Disney! Yuki was… CRUSH-LESS!

' But because of this, I really am despicable.' Yuki thought for some random reason. ' People will be sickened by me.'

Momiji edged away from the sudden angst aura that surrounded Yuki. " Um… okay. Well, if you'd rather angst, I'll watch TELEVISION!" And he would watch his FAVORITE show! She Spies!

But for some reason, they didn't have a television!

" Why don't we have a television?" Momiji asked no one in particular. " But have an extra bed? Man, this Crazy Gringo Hotel really IS crazy!"

Yes, Momiji… yes it is.

HOOONK!

" We have TWO televisions! One for you, one for me! So you can go ahead and watch your Johnny Quest and whatnot on that one." Kureno said, waving Kyo off in the general direction of the television. Kyo, who had finally regained conciousness, was standing there with the sheets wrapped around him.

" But then we wouldn't be able to hear what the other is watching! And I don't care about television anyway! YOU SAID YOU HAD SOME CLOTHES FOR ME!" Kyo thundered, shamed beyond all shame, standing there naked.

" Well, EXCUUUUSE me, but I do! And if you could just SIT DOWN for a second, I'll go and GET it!" Kureno yelled angrily, put his hands on his hips and marched over to one of his random suitcases.

" And it better not look like anything that damn Yuki wears! OR I WON'T WEAR IT!" Kyo retorted, not sitting down. He then turned on the television just to be rebellious. But it was a Nova special, so it just made him seem like some angry nerd that watches Nova to calm down.

" Here we go!" Kureno said, holding up a shirt that had I SUPPORT THE LONE CHICKEN 'HEART' written on it. He turned it around and it said, DIE MABUDACHI TRIO DIE!

" I can't wear THAT!" Kyo yelled.

" What? Don't you support the Lone Chicken?" Kureno demanded.

" NO!" Kyo screamed.

" Well, I NEVER!" Kureno huffed, and sat down to watch Nova in a satisfied nature.

Kyo pretended that he was ALRIGHT being naked for awhile, but then he wasn't, so he put the shirt on. He tried peeling off the letters on the shirt, but of course THAT didn't work, so he ended up just having to wear it and be ashamed. He then pretended not to watch Nova, which was a very exciting special on manatees! YAY!

HOOONK!

Hatori was having a wonderful dream in which he and Kana were on their honeymoon and were traveling across the Sahara on a camel when a knocking sound jolted him out of it. He woke up, and saw that the door was being beat upon. Hatori sighed and walked over to the door. He opened it.

It was Haru.

" What?" Hatori asked irritably.

Haru didn't say anything.

" Is anything wrong?" Hatori asked.

Haru turned and ran down the hall like a fool.

Hatori cursed the world under his breath and went back to sleep.

HOOONK!

" GOMEN NASAI! I AM SO SORRY THAT I DO NOT EVEN HAVE A ROOMATE BECAUSE SHOOPUF-DUDE-SAN IS NOT HERE! I WILL APOLOGIZE TO SHOOPUF-SAN, I WILL APOLOGIZE TO THE READER, I WILL APOLOGIZE TO THE WRITER, I APOLOGIZE FOR THIS HORRIBLY DISSAPOINTING SEGMENT AND FOR THIS HORRIBLY LATE UPDATE AND STUPID STORY! I WILL APOLOGIZE TO THE WORLD! OH, GOMENASAIIIIIIIIIIIII!" Ritsu screamed, then passed out on the floor.

Carl's Corner!

You know what? I've had it with this, Carl. I'm coming to hunt you down. Mwhahaha… So I'll be answering these questions, and then go on a journey to capture Carl. So, I've asked Tohru-kun to answer your questions next time! Arigatou, Tohru-kun! Please send questions for Honda Tohru-kun!

As for now…

Moonmage: Can you make Tohru smarter?

Hayley: Believe me, I know Tohru-kun is smart! I adore her, she's my role model. However this is a very random story where everyones personality is overdone, so just remember she's a SUPER-FLAKE! A FROSTED FLAKE! SHE'S MORE THAN GOOD, SHE'S GREAT!

Naria Lacour de long name: Why is the rabbit silly and Trix are for kids?

Hayley: The rabbit is silly, because he would get those trix and kill those damn kids! Trix are for kids because then the rabbit can't have any.

Naria: Did Meanie Security Fred explode?

Hayley: OFF COURSE…NOT! He's gotta keep up with security! It's in his blood (and name!) He can't be so unresponsible to EXPLODE!

Naria: Does the Kazuma song to 'Ms. Susie?'

Hayley: Actually… NO! It goes to ' My friend the witch-doctor!' DA-HUCK!

Ja!


	7. The Breakfast Chapter!

Chapter 7

The Chapter All About Breakfast!

You heard it! You heard it here first! This chapter is all about breakfast! Not YOUR breakfast of course. No one cares about your breakfast. Whether you had cereal, pancakes or a S'mores pop tart, your breakfast will not be mentioned in this chapter. Unless you happen to be eating the same thing that one of the character's is. In that case, I suppose you can PRETEND it's about your breakfast.

But are you really that sad?

Anyway, before everyone at the Crazy Gringo Hotel got to eat breakfast, they had to wake up first! DA-HUCK! So, let's watch them as they wake up.

Kureno was the first to wake up! Why? Because he's the chicken! He took a big hearty deep breath of air and let out a mad rooster call out the window. Satisfied with a job well done, he awarded himself with his favorite flavor of listerine! The CHERRY FLAVORED KIND! Of course, he only woke up Kyo, so it wasn't REALLY a job well done.

" I WAS SLEEPING!" Kyo yelled.

" I can tell the difference between tenses, Kyo." Kureno chuckled foolishly, and walked out the room so he could go get breakfast. Kyo didn't want to follow, because then he would have to go down wearing his I SUPPORT THE LONE CHICKEN shirt, and that would be shameful! I mean, come on, first of all, he's the CAT and then he has to go and support the LONE CHICKEN? For shame!

But eventually his hunger got the best of him, so he lurked out of bed and started down the steps.

The third to wake up was Momiji. " GOOD MORNING!" He yelled, but then noticed Haru and Yuki were still asleep. He decided he wouldn't wake them up because they looked oh so very peaceful, and skipped out of the room alone! But he was still content, because he wouldn't trick someone just to trick them! And he ALSO wouldn't wake someone up just to wake them!

NEXT to wake up was Ayame. Being the snake, he got up very early in the morning. No, that doesn't have anything to do with being a snake but who's writing this story? YOU or ME? So Ayame got up fourth. He looked around to see that Shigure and Hatori were still lying there like knaves with their mouths open and their hair tusseled. Ayame WANTED to wake them up but he also knew they would be angry if he did.

So what did Ayame do? He went to brush his teeth and do his hair and all the other million's of special things Ayame does. When he was done, Shigure and Hatori STILL hadn't woken up.

So Ayame figured he would be a little sneaky, and turned on the televsion suddenly with relatively low volume. It was the VIEW! He waited to see if Shigure and Hatori would wake up, but they didn't.

So he turned it up a little. This time both of them looked a little disturbed. I would be too if my dreams were suddenly interrupted by Barbara Walters.

It seemed like those two would just plain NEVER get up, so Ayame turned the volume to the MAX! Shigure and Hatori awoke with a start and glared at Ayame angrily for interrupting their sleep.

" Oops! I accidently turned on the television and raised it to max volume!" Ayame exclaimed with a little sweatmark.

" Ayame, you- OOOOH! THE VIEW!" Shigure cooed happily, and stared at the television screen like he was obsessed. Hatori, who had a secret loathing for The View, tried to ignore it.

" Why aren't you both getting dressed? I'm dressed!" Ayame demanded as if the fact that he had been up ten minutes earlier had nothing to do with it. " Come on, HUSTLE!" And since Ayame is the groomer of this crazy Mabudachi Trio, Hatori and Shigure quickly changed into their clothes. What were they wearing? Ayame was wearing his pretty red dress thing. Shigure was wearing that kimono he ALWAYS wears. Hatori was wearing… shorts. HAHAHAHA! LET'S ALL LAUGH AT THE SHORT WEARING HATORI AND POINT!

(Points) AHAHAHA!

Of course, Hatori was also wearing a very nice short-sleeved green shirt, but the fact that he wearing shorts just ruined any ounce of respect the shirt might have gotten him.

" Did you both use the listerine I bought you? Since you're SMOKERS and your breath will begin to smell putridly if you don't?" Ayame demanded with his hands on his hips.

" Yes." Both of them lied.

" YOSH! Then let's go to breakfast!" Ayame cheered as he and Shigure skipped ambigously off, followed by Hatori very, very slowly. ALMOST as slow as Haru! He wanted to delay being seen in shorts as long as possible.

Next to get up was none other than Ritsu! But guess what? Nobody cared!

The three girls all woke up at the same time. " Good morning, Minna-san! I hope you all had pleasant dreams!" Said Tohru.

" Mine were about KYO-KUN!" Kagura assured her.

" Mine were depressing flashbacks disguised as dreams." Rin said.

" Just hearing that my heart is full… AGAIN!" Tohru sighed happily. Then they all changed into their clothes and got nice and ready in about five minutes because they're the women. And women know how to cut the crap.

" Today will be a wonderful day!" Tohru sighed happily.

" When you say it, Tohru, I have a feeling that it WILL be!" Kagura said, and smiled. She and Tohru laughed foolishly together while Rin shook her head in a disgusted manner in the background.

So there you have it. The order goes as; Kureno, Kyo, Momiji, Ayame, Hatori, Shigure (Hatori woke up a SPLIT second before Shigure) Ritsu, Tohru, Kagura, and Rin. If you must know about Haru and Yuki, well, Haru DID wake up, but it took him twenty minutes to bring himself to rouse Yuki out of his sleep, so we figured that they were just disqualified in this strange random waking competition.

Of course, none of them knew, by the time they all arrived in the Crazy Gringo Cafeteria, about these stats, since by then everyone had mingled about and it was impossible to tell who had gotten there first. Except for Kureno and Kyo, however.

" We're the very FIRST ones! NO ONE COMES BEFORE THE LONE CHICKEN! Right, flunky?" Kureno asked Kyo as he headed over to the cafeteria to get himself a big steaming bowl of porridge. Yes, that's right, for some random reason, everything in the cafeteria was FREE! It was Gringoish, but who cares when it's free?

" HEY! I'm not your flunky! I'm only wearing this shirt because I HAVE to." Kyo informed him angrily, as he got himself a big glass of milk and a bucket of fish heads. Just kidding. He got himself a carton of milk and a bucket of fish heads. Actually, just kidding again. He just got some fish heads.

" Hmm… this one is TOO hot." Kureno murmured, frowning at his porridge. He moved on to another bowl.

" And this one is TOO cold." He said to the new bowl of porridge. Then he found what he had been looking for.

" But THIS one is juuuuuust RIGHT." Kureno said really slowly and creepily with a big smile. I've decided Kureno is just the right mixture of the the neighbor that never shows his face on Home Improvement, Hawkmon, and the tiny details that Hayley knows about Kureno.

" What is THAT?" Kyo demanded as if the porridge had somehow offended him. He held his bowl of Cheerios (yes, I was just kidding about the fish heads. AWK!) to his chest as if the porridge threatened his own breakfast.

Well, Kureno was just about to tell him the meaning of 'juuuuust RIGHT' when Momiji came hopping in. Since Kureno is indifferent to being interrupted, he just shrugged it off.

" GOOD MORNING! What are you having for breakfast, Kyo? LET ME SEE!!" Momiji demanded as if Kyo were hiding some sort of special breakfast.

" NONE OF YOUR BUISNESS!" Kyo yelled, since not only was he the CAT, wearing a shameful shirt that supported the LONE CHICKEN, but he was eating the honey of an O!

" Oh well!" Momiji laughed, and frolicked off to go get his breakfast.  You know what Momiji got? Do you? He got POP TARTS! YAY!

Next came the Mabudachi Trio. " GOOD MORNING EVERYONE!!" Ayame yelled, then realized that no one in the room was really that important to his role in Fruits Basket. He shrugged and set off to get some eggs, since snakes LOVE eggs! And crickets! But let's just say Ayame likes eggs.

" Oh… well… if it isn't my old archnemesis's…" Kureno murmured with a raised eyebrow and an evil glare, but no one could hear him, so he was ignored.

" Where's everyone else?" Hatori asked Momiji.

" They're not up yet!" Momiji informed him, happily munching on a Pop Tart.

" Oh." Said Hatori, and decided to go get some raisin bran since that was the only cereal he didn't have a secret loathing for. And also, he was the dragon!

" Good morning, Kyo-kun!" Shigure told Kyo since no one had spoken to him yet. He was just about to go off and get some biscuits (GET IT? GET IT? DOG BISCUITS?! HARDY-HAR-HAR!) when he noticed something writted on the back of Kyo's shirt.

" GASP!" Shigure gasped, " How could you write something like that on the back of your shirt? I can't believe this! Even though we tease you mercilessly, I never thought I'd see such… open HOSTILITY from you, Kyo-kun!"

" What are you talking about, Gure-san?" Ayame asked curiously, wandering over with a big bowl of hardboiled eggs. Then HE saw the shirt.

" GASP!" Ayame gasped, " Kyonkichi, how could you?!"

" GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE!" Kyo screamed, spilling cheerios all over the floor in the process of being in a rage.

" What?" Hatori asked, coming over with a bowl of manly raisin bran.

" Look what Kyo has written on the back of his shirt!" Shigure pointed vindictively.

Hatori read DIE MABUDACHI TRIO DIE, but he wasn't offended, because FIRST of all, he's Hatori. SECOND of all, it wasn't like Kyo could actually do anything to them because they were two reptiles and a dog. THIRD of all, he really didn't care.

" Whatever." Said Hatori and wandered off to eat his raisin bran.

" Good morning," Ritsu started to say, since he had just walked in but then he noticed that there were CHEERIOS all over the floor! ARGH! NO, THE HUMANITY! He began falling over the floor trying to pick them all up, apologizing over and over, but nobody cared. In fact, Shigure didn't care SO much that he knocked over another bowl of Cheerios just so he could watch Ritsu scramble to clean up AGAIN. Oh, Shigure, so easily amused.

" Good morning, everyone!" Said Tohru.

" Good morning!" Everyone replied to Tohru. She had walked in with all the other girls to go get breakfast. So, you want to know what they had for breakfast? YA DO?!

Well, Kagura didn't have any breakfast. She just had Kyo. NO, she didn't eat him, stupid, she just hung all obsessively over him while he struggled to eat his remaining Cheerios.

Tohru had toast with… STRAWBERRY jam! AHAHAHAHAHA! Get it? GET IT? STRAWBERRY JAM! She LOVES strawberries! DA-HUCK! Oh, I kill me.

As for what Rin got, I assume she got something mysterious and sexy. Like a pancake. What? You don't think pancakes are sexy?

" Well, we're all here now, so let's sit down and eat!" Kureno exclaimed, ready to sit down and eat the rest of his porridge.

" Yuki and Haru aren't here." Momiji pointed out.

" Oh well, that's just LIKE them! The two LAST in the Zodiac are the two LAST in the morning!" Kureno chuckled foolishly.

" Actually, Yuki and Haru are the FIRST two in the Zodiac." Hatori corrected, since he was the only one who actually studied that sort of thing. Because he's Hatori, and he has to be the resource man.

" Oh. I see…" Kureno said quietly, with a very evil look in Hatori's direction.

" It would be wrong to eat without Yuki and Haru!" Tohru exclaimed. But luckily, before anyone could prove her wrong, Yuki and Haru walked in! Actually, no, they didn't. But even MORE luckily… okay, Yuki and Haru walked in. I WAS going to have Zack walk in, but I have the feeling you wouldn't really appreciate Zack. Since you NEVER do. Now I have to send Zack ALL the way back to that little tunnel he lives in. Thanks to YOU. I don't know if you've noticed, but you've been REALLY pushing it with this chapter, Mister-man.

" Good morning, Hatsuharu-kun, Yuki-kun!" Tohru said happily, but Yuki was still half-asleep and Haru was… Haru, so they didn't really say anything.

" Well, let's all sit down and EAT!" Said some random non-Sohma exploding person who exploded as soon as all the Sohmas sat down to eat. Unfortunately, it turned out everyone had eaten their food standing up waiting for the OTHER people. The only people who hadn't gotten to eat was Haru and Yuki.

" What should we do today?" Ayame asked cheerfully, opening up a big map of Florida. Hatori grabbed it and replaced it with a map of North Dakota before Ayame could start to question the wherabouts of places in North Dakota. And that must NEVER happen.

" Oh, I dunno, how about-WHAT'S YOUR SECRET HARU?!" Shigure yelled suddenly, rounding in on Haru, who was innocently trying to decide what he wanted more; GRAPE jam or PEAR jam. Which one would YOU choose?

" I'm NEVER telling you." Haru said.

" Why not?" Shigure whined.

" I know! Let's go see the sights!" Ayame said randomly, standing up and ushering everyone out of the table.

" But I haven't decided which jam I-"

" NOW!" Said Ayame, and booted Haru on with the rest of them. Yuki was just about to take a bite of the cheese he had found at the cafeteria when Ayame grabbed him too.

" Come on, my adorable brother, we're going to see the sights! I see your eyes are just tearing up with happiness!" Ayame cheered.

But really, Yuki was crying because once again, he hadn't been able to have his cheese.

WILL HE EVER GET THAT CHEESE? Will Shigure EVER find out Haru's secret? Will Hatori ever get out of those shorts?

Well, those things don't have anything to do with breakfast. And since this was the breakfast chapter, we can't talk about them. You'll just have to wait until a chapter that's NOT about breakfast.

OMAKE!

Now, here's some questions for Tohru.

Moonmage: Tohru, who do you love, Yuki or Kyo? (crosses fingers) Please not Kyo.

Tohru: Kyo-kun is incredible… Yuki is incredible!

Um… I don't think she understood the question. How… convinent. DAMN YOU TOHRU AND YOUR OBLIVIOUSNESS!

Person: What kind of bug did Shigure swallow?

Tohru: SHIGURE-SAN SWALLOWED A BUG?! OH NO! (clasps hands) Swallowing bugs is dreadful! You shouldn't underestimate them.

Note: ACTUALLY, Shigure didn't really swallow a bug. He swallowed a small green creepy fairy by the name of Tingle who we decided to shrink and throw into the wind for our own personal enjoyment. I expect Tingle is doing the Koo-Loompah dance in Shigure somewhere as we speak…

Ah well, there weren't many questions for Tohru. But maybe you'll all have questions for… YUKI! That's right, I've caught him and made him answer questions! MWHAHAHA! So next time, send your questions to YUKI SOHMA!


	8. The Unsurprisingly Dull Museum!

Chapter 8

The Unsurprisingly Dull Museum!

Well, now they're off to see the sights! I really don't know what sort of sights you see in North Dakota, so don't expect some detailed chapters all about well-known places in North Dakota. Also, DON'T question the sights they DO see in North Dakota. Okay? Okay.

" Here we are at the North Dakota Art Museum!" Ayame said happily, standing in front of the Musuem with an overly triumphant look. Yes, they drove there. I don't really feel like writing out the drive, but I'm sure you can imagine how crazy it was in your head.

" I don't wanna go to the Art Museum! I wanna go to Six Flags!" Momiji whined, which a really dumb thing to say since Six Flags is NOT in North Dakota.

" Nonsense! Everyone loves art!" Ayame laughed.

" I DO!" Tohru said enthusiastically, but no one else looked very excited.

Hatori, however, decided he would enjoy this trip to the Art Museum. Because this way they weren't going to some big, crowded place with a lot of noisy teenagers that would make fun of his shorts. Art Museums were great places for mean old scrooges like Hatori.

" Well, I think it's best if we split into four groups with an adult leading two of the juveniles." Hatori said authoritively.

" But, then the Mabudachi Trio won't be together!" Ayame and Shigure gasped.

" We're not together twenty-five days out of thirty in the month." Hatori replied, since he secretly really didn't mind the Mabudachi Trio not being together.

" I think we should just split into groups of eight." Kureno put in airily, as if he was saying what everyone else was too kind to keep to themselves.

" But there's only twelve of us." Hatori told him, not unkindly.

" I knew that! I can count!" Kureno lied. Well, I don't know if he can count or not. Did Kureno ever go to school, if he had to be with Akito all the time? Does he know how to read and write and count and take standardized testing? And speaking of which, WHY isn't Kureno with Akito now?!

" Fine. We'll do this 'group' thing." Shigure said sarcastically, with his hands on his hips. " But I'll let you know now, I am NOT happy about it."

" Why? It's not really that big of a deal." Hatori reasoned.

" Oh SURE. If it's not a big deal to Hatori, it's not a big deal to ANYONE." Shigure said, raising his shoulders in an over-dramatic shrug, like Cloud.

" Alright, all of you line up." Hatori said to the assorted non-Mabudachi Trio members and non-Lone Chickens. See, instead of letting the other people make a big mess of arranging themselves, they decided they would just pick them off one at a time like a Dodgeball team.

" Hmm…" Shigure said, scratching his chin as he tried to choose from the people. " I like torturing Kyo, but then again… I like to torture Ritsu. But in the end, I'll choose Haru so I can try to get the dirt on his secret again."

" I got picked! I got picked first!" Haru exclaimed it what was probably the happiest moment of his life. He walked over to Shigure and joined him proudly with his head held high.

" Well… I'll take Momiji." Hatori said, since he lived with Momiji, and he was used to Momiji's gleefulness. Momiji happily frolicked over to Hatori.

" DON'T WORRY YUKI! I'M PICKING YOU!" Ayame yelled as if Yuki had really not been expecting for Ayame to pick him. Yuki gave everyone a pleading look, but no one could save him now. He walked slowly with his head hung low over to Ayame, who looked like this had just MADE his DAY.

" Well… I have Haru, who I'm manipulating, but now I need someone I can torture. Alright, Ritsu." Shigure said good-naturedly.

" I'M SO SORRY THAT YOU HAD TO CHOOSE ME! I'M SORRY THAT YOU WERE FORCED TO PUT ME IN YOUR GROUP AND I'M SORRY THAT I AM SO EASILY TORTURED THAT YOU PERCIEVE ME AS A TORTUREABLE ENTERTAINMENT! I'M SORRY THAT I WAS BORN, THEREFORE MAKING YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE ME! I APOLOGIZE TO YOU! I APOLOGIZE TO THE WHOLE WORLD!" Ritsu yelled, writhing his way to Shigure and Haru.

" That's nice." Shigure said distractedly.

" I'll take Honda-kun, if that's alright." Hatori said, and gave Tohru this really scary smile where his mouth was too wide and his eyes were too big and his eyebrows had suddenly DISSAPEARED! The only thing that rivals the creepy Hatori big smile is the horrific Hatori shorts. But imagine both of them at the same time…

" Thank you so much!" Tohru said happily as she walked over to join Hatori's group.

" Then I'll take Rin, even though I've never spoken to her my whole life!" Ayame chuckled good-naturedly.

" I'm in the same group as YUKI?!" Rin said in disgust, and she was obviously very pissed off about this but no one cared. She stomped over to Yuki and Ayame and began to brood.

" Well, let's go!" Said Kureno.

" Kureno, you haven't chosen anyone to be in your group." Hatori pointed out.

" Hatori, what is so hard to understand about LONE…CHICKEN?" Kureno said in a slow, impaitent voice.

" But someone has to take Kyo and Kagura." Hatori sighed.

Of course, no one had chosen Kyo, because he's the CAT! And also, if one of the Mabudachi Trio had chosen someone that had a shirt that said DIE, MABUDACHI DIE on it, how would that make them look? And no one had chosen Kagura, because they knew she would insist Kyo come with her.

" Well… I'll put up with my flunky, but the pig has to keep quiet." Kureno conceded with his arms crossed.

" I'M NOT YOUR FLUNKY!" Kyo yelled.

Kagura was going to yell, " I'M NOT THE PIG!" but then she remembered, yes, yes she was the pig. They went to join Kureno, and finally people could get in through the Museum door since all the Sohma's had been blocking it.

" Alright. We'll meet back here in the lobby for lunch at two." Hatori told everyone, and they were just about to walk into the Museum when some random exploding tour guide lady stopped them.

" Excuse me," She said, " But I'm afraid those aren't allowed." She pointed at Hatori meaningfully. Hatori bristled. This was the last straw.

" Okay, okay, I get it, I'm wearing SHORTS. No, I don't usually wear them, but I didn't expect everyone to make such a big DEAL about them. It's not like I woke up and decided I'd purposely put on a pair of shorts of freak people out. But guess what? Silly me just thought that no one would care what I wore. But then, oh? My shorts offend everyone? I'M SORRY!" Hatori yelled suddenly, fists clenched. " But I am NOT going to stand around and believe that I can't even go to a Museum of Art just because I'm wearing SHORTS!"

" Actually, I was talking about your ciggarette." The lady said.

Hatori looked down to see he had taken a ciggarette out earlier without noticing it. He turned around to see everyone looking at him blankly, at a loss for words. Hatori realized his respect meter had probably just gone down a couple of notches and walked shamefully ahead into the exhibit room.

" Wow…" Said Ayame. " So he really IS self-concious in those shorts."

" Yeah…" Shigure nodded. " This just means we have to torture him even MORE."

HOOONK!

" Look, Kyo-kun!" Kagura said, pointing to a picture of a lady in a boat on a lake with a lot of ducks in it. " Isn't that ROMANTIC?"

" No…" Kyo admitted, because to him it just looked like a stupid picture of a lady in a boat on a lake with a lot of ducks in it.

" How about that one?" Kagura said, pointing to some random painting of a baby smiling, which no one would in their right mind would think romantic.

" No."

" That one?"

" No."

" How about that one?"

" NO."

" THIS one is romantic."

" NO!"

" How-"

" NOOOOO! THERE IS NO PICTURE IN THIS ROOM THAT IS ROMANTIC!" Kyo screamed angrily, grabbing his head and falling to the ground in pain. 

" SHHHHH!" All the dorky Museum people said to Kyo because he was being an obnoxious disturbance.

Meanwhile, Kureno was going from painting to painting and staring at each one for about thirty seconds. Then he would chuckle foolishly as if he were reading Laffy Taffy jokes instead of looking at great works of art. I suppose that maybe Kureno just found great art funny. Or maybe each painting reminded him of something HEE-LARIOUS.

" Kagura, would you get off me?!" Kyo hissed quietly, since Kagura was still hanging all over him.

" What? I can't hear you." Kagura said, nuzzling him.

" Kagura, get off me!" Kyo exclaimed a little bit louder.

" WHAT, KYO-KUN?!" Kagura yelled, hugging him.

" GET OFF ME!!!" Kyo screamed at the top of his lungs.

" EXCUSE ME, but SOME people came here to look at FINE art!" Said a little man with big glasses and a bow tie. He shook his hand at Kagura and Kyo scoldingly.

" It's not my fault!" Kyo protested.

" Excuse me, but is there a problem here?" Said Security Fred, marching over. That's right! He's back! I knew you'd come back, Security Fred! Hooray!

" Yes, SIR. These two are stopping me from fully enjoying my art viewing experience!" The little man in the bow tie complained with his hands on his hips.

" Where are you two's parental supervision?" Security Fred asked Kyo and Kagura.

" We're over SIXTEEN. We don't NEED parental supervision!" Kyo argued.

" Where…?" Security Fred asking again in a no nonsense voice.

Kagura and Kyo sighed and pointed to Kureno, who had gone into ANOTHER barrel of laughs over a painting of a pony. Security Fred marched over to him and tapped Kureno on the shoulder.

" Pony…" Kureno chuckled foolishly, and turned around to see Security Fred. " Oh, hello there."

" You and your young charges are causing a disturbance! I'm afraid you'll have to leave." Said Security Fred.

" WE ARE NOT!" Kyo yelled.

" SHHHH!" All the dorks said again.

" Quiet, flunky! I'll get us out of this!" Kureno hissed at Kyo as if he didn't expect Security Fred to be able to hear him. Then he smiled over-nicely. " Now, I'm sure we can reach an agreement."

" OUT." Security Fred stated, pointing at the door.

" Fine… but the Lone Chicken is NOT happy." Kureno let Security Fred know. " Come on flunky, pig."

" I thought all the paintings were stupid ANYWAY!" Kyo yelled, angry because he was embrassed that they had to be kicked out of the museum and that it was HIS fault.

" Thank you, Security Fred!" The little man with the bow tie exclaimed.

" All in a day's work for Security Fred." Security Fred said proudly and walked out of the room for no reason. Everyone else cheered and then exploded.

HOOONK!

" Look, Yuki! Look! Isn't that nice? Yes, yes it is. WOW! That's all I can say about that one- WOW. It has wow written all over it! Wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow-"

" I GET it." Yuki said because, well, he HAD.

" Okay." Ayame chuckled foolishly, slapping Yuki on the back as they looked at the picture that supposedly had WOW written all over it. He hit Yuki a little too hard and Yuki fell to the ground. " I understand. An old-timer like me has to use more HIP slang, yo, yes? That picture has peachy-keen written all over it! Peachy peachy peachy!"

" Nii-san, they said peachy-keen before you were born." Yuki sighed, looking around carefully to see if there was anyone else in the room to get mad at them and Ayame's BOOMING voice. Fortunately, there was only Rin, and she was looking at… well, it's a MYSTERY. But it was sexy. It was a sexy mystery. The kind that Scooby and Shaggy WOULDN'T be able to solve, if you get what I mean, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh!

" Yuki? What are you doing on the ground? You wacky child. Look at that picture! Isn't it pretty?" Ayame said, pointing to a picture.

" That's the same one you just pointed to." Yuki stated.

" Really? It looks different. Are you sure you're not getting mixed up?" Ayame blinked.

" YES, NII-SAN." Yuki said, sounding like he'd like to throw Ayame into a blender.

" Ahahaha! You just don't want to admit the obvious. It's alright, Yuki. The fact that you're a little, you know, SLOW…" Ayame winked at Yuki over the toply, as if everyone knew this but Yuki, " Is covered up by your good looks! Which you got from me."

" IT IS THE SAME PICTURE! YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO MAKE ME LOOK STUPID!"

" That is SO not the same picture. And if you try and lie to your big brother again, it will make me very sad." Ayame said sternly, now looking at the whole museum as if it had offended him. " I try very hard to have a good time with you, and all you can do is make mistakes and then lie about them!"

" Whatever. Let's just not talk about it anymore." Yuki said, since he had a feeling Ayame would never stop.

" Good! Oh, I don't really like that one. Somethings wrong with the color." Ayame frowned, pointing to the same picture he had pointed to the PREVIOUS two times.

At this point, Yuki was about ready to break down and cry. But before he could, Rin came stomping up with a royally pissed look on her face.

" Is something wrong, Rin?" Yuki asked her.

" You don't know ANYTHING, DO YOU?!" Rin yelled in sudden disgust, throwing up her arms and stomped away again. Yuki blinked.

" Oh, that crazy Kagura." Ayame chuckled.

" Nii-san, that was Rin." Yuki told him, still wondering WHAT had possessed Rin to do something so random.

" Whatever." Ayame shrugged. " In any case, that's one crazy rabbit."

" MOMIJI is the rabbit. Rin is the HORSE!" Yuki exclaimed, looking up at Ayame with even LESS respect than usual. " Don't you know anything?"

" No, not really." Ayame said happily, pointing to… A DIFFERENT PAINTING! Good for you, Aya! This one was a picture of Harry Potter on a Broomstick. NO, I doubt you would REALLY find that in an Art Musuem, but then again, it's doubtful that you would ever REALLY meet a man who could turn into a snake! " Isn't that one nice?"

" Sure." Yuki sighed.

Ayame was overjoyed that Yuki actually agreed with him this one time. But he was even MORE overjoyed, because he's always overjoyed. But he was just a LITTLE bit more overjoyed, because it was his dream vacation. You know what Ayame's dream vacation is, don't you? Well, you should. Because this is it. Ayame doesn't ask for much, and so this is his dream vacation. Now think about it. Would YOU be satisfied with this vacation? Or would you demand a better one? Because AYAME likes it juuuuuust fine. Now, shouldn't we all try and be a little bit more like Ayame?

Yes, yes I think we should. And that has nothing to do with Ayame being my favorite character. Nothing at all.

HOOONK!

" I'm going to look at ALL the paintings!" Momiji exclaimed as if he were about to get a gold medal in the olympics, and began running around the room in circles trying to take all the paintings in at once.

" Momiji, don't run around." Hatori said half-heartedly, but his mind was preoccupied. He kept worrying about what trouble the OTHER groups were getting into. Well, actually, he was more worried about his shorts. But he pretended that it was the others.

"Whoa, I'm getting DIZZY!" Momiji said, tottering around the room like fool.

" I LOVE strawberries!" Tohru said, because she was looking at a large painting of a ten-foot strawberry. Just kidding. She was looking at a picture of a fruits basket. But guess what? There wasn't an Onigiri in it! AWK! But there was a pineapple and a strawberry, and that was good enough for Tohru.

" Okay class. This is a picture of a snowy pasture under the sun. And we all know what happens to snow when it melts, right?" Some random crazy teacher asked her random crazy class that was on a carefully planned field trip to the museum.

" SPRING!" Said some foolish little child.

" No… water. I mean, come on, it's obvious." The teacher said in disgust, giving the kid a weird look.

_I was RIGHT! _Hatori thought triumphantly. But then he remembered Kana and began to angst. Luckily, he snapped out of it when he realized what he was standing in front of. Being wrapped up in thought, he realized that he had been standing in front of some nude sculpture for about seven minutes without moving.

Some crazy little guy with glasses and a beanie hat walked up next to him and looked at the statue. " HOMINA HOMINA HOMINA!" The crazy little guy said enthusiastically, then walked away as if this were a normal thing to do.

Hatori shook his head sadly, and walked off to some dark corner where him and the shorts could brood in peace.

HOOONK!

" Hey, Ritsu, THAT'S a nice picture." Shigure said, as he and Haru walked up to a picture of an Octopus Ritsu was staring at.

" AHH! I AM SORRY! I AM SORRY THAT I HAD TO BE SELFISH AND SEE THE OCTOPUS FIRST-" Ritsu started to scream, but Shigure poked him and he fell to the ground. Because I think we've had enough of that for one chapter.

" Hey, Haru! Let's play a game!" Shigure said randomly to Haru, who was staring contently at the Octopus.

" Okay." Said Haru.

" I'll say something, and you say whatever pops into your mind FIRST! Okay? Okay!" Shigure asked and then answered because he knew it would take Haru too long. " Mouse!"

" Yuki."

" Cat!"

" Stupid."

" Up!"

" Plane."

" Down!"

" Butterfly."

" Snow!"

" Spring."

" THE SECRET!"

" Garden." Haru said with a happy look. Ah yes, that had been his favorite book when young. Those days it had just been Haru, a glass of milk, some oreos, and The Secret Garden…

" NO! Not that stupid book! What is your secret?" Shigure demanded, enraged.

" I don't feel like telling it."

" Well, WHEN will you feel like telling it?" Shigure whined.

" Maybe tomorrow."

" TOMORROW?! I HAVE TO WAIT ALL THE WAY UNTIL TOMORROW?! Okay." Shigure said, happy because now it was GUARENTEED that he would know the secret eventually.

" What? You'll tell the secret?! It's the secret that must NEVER be told to ANYONE!" Some random lady gasped, and then exploded.

" Why not?" Shigure asked.

" HEE-MEET-SUU." Haru said as Yuki's theme began to play in the background.

" Okay." Said Shigure.

HOOONK!

" Well, did we all make it back?" Hatori asked as everyone scuttled back to the lobby to meet for lunch. And miraculously, they all arrived at the SAME time, so I can't tell you who won and who lost this time.

" Of course! There's me and Shigure and Tohru and Yuki and you! Who else would there be?" Ayame chuckled, leaving out almost everyone else.

" Ayame, what about Haru and Momiji and Rin?" Shigure pointed out.

" Oh yeah, well, I forgot their names. Oh well!" Ayame laughed.

" I don't see Kyo-kun anywhere…" Tohru said, looking around for him.

" GOOD!" Everyone yelled except for Tohru.

" And Kagura-san!"

No one really cared about Kagura, but Hatori pretended he did.

" And Kureno-san."

" HURRAH!"

" Who needs that Mabudachi-hater following us around anyway?" Shigure said. " Him AND his flunky."

" Shigure, we can't let Kyo and Kagura be alone with that man for long." Hatori reminded him. " Okay. Me and Shigure will go and find Kureno, Ayame, you stay here and watch everyone."

" WHAT? ALONE?" Ayame said, as if they were asking him to clear the high jump with one bound. " I don't know half of their names!"

" Yuki, you're secretly in charge. We just have to pretend an adult was more responsible than you guys." Hatori told Yuki. " Let's go, Shigure."

Shigure and Hatori ran out the door as the Mission: Impossible theme started to play, and put on their dark sunglasses and began rolling and flipping over cars. Just kidding. Shigure did that, but Hatori didn't. He was wearing shorts, and that would just NOT work.

" Well… now we wait." Yuki said boredly.

" NO! We're going to the theater!" Ayame said. Only he said it like, ' THEE-AY-TER' instead of the the other way, ' PHEE-ER-TER.'

" YAY!" Said everyone.

" No, we're not." Yuki protested.

" Of COURSE we're not." Ayame laughed as he led all of the foolish Sohma out of the art museum. Yuki sighed and followed.

" Excuse me! Would you like to make a donation to-" A crazy art dork asked, but then exploded. And even if he HADN'T exploded, it's not like they would have actually given away money for a stupid MUSEUM or anything.

Omake!

As I continue on my search for Carl, I'm constantly reassured by the fact that one purple wooper can't hide THAT well. In time, I will find you Carl… in time, we will see who is REALLY the master and who is REALLY the servant. In the meantime, Yuki will answer your questions now! Good ol' Yuki. First of all, Naria de Lecour, Yuki thanks you for the cheezits and cardboard! Unfortunately, Zack ate them all out of anger that he had not received any cheezits. HAHAHAHA! POOOOR YUKI! We'll let him chew on the cardboard. Anyway, now answer those questions, my slave!

Yoshiko: Yuki, are you a woman? Because I saw a picture in which you were! And I know you are Akito's (ahem) slave!

Yuki: I'm not a woman. You never saw that picture. I'm not Akito's slave.

Hayley: MORE INTERESTING ANSWERS, YUKI-KUN OR ELSE!

Yuki: Um… well… I am a… guy with… hair… and I'm the rat, so that makes Akito like me best.

Hayley: More interesting…

Yuki: And… um… my favorite movie is ' A River Runs Through It!'

Hayley: Nerd. Next question.

Moonmage: Were you on drugs when you said you didn't like Tohru and how do you deal with the Yuki Fan Club and Ayame?

Yuki: The fan club… I tend to just ignore them. And Onii-san… I tend to just ignore him. But for some reason they just keep coming back. Maybe if I was SMARTER I would just tell them how I REALLY feel!

Yuki: Hey! I didn't say that last part!

Hayley: Uh… shut up. 

Yuki: And I wasn't on drugs. My feelings for Honda-san are really just-

Hayley: AW, just say you like Tohru THAT way!

Yuki: But I don't!

Hayley: SAY it… (shakes fist)

Yuki: I do…

Hayley: And say you're in love with Haru!

Yuki: WHAT?

Hayley: And that you think Kyo is pretty!

Yuki: NO!

Hayley: Then I have no choice. (glomps him. Takes rat and makes Yuki run on a wheel to make LEMONADE!)

Yuki: I'll get you for this.

Hayley: But first, you'll get me lemonade!

Next time, it'll be KYO answering questions!

Kyo: WHAT? HELL NO!

Oh yes, send your questions to everyone's favorite CAT!

Kyo: I WON'T BE HERE!

Yes he will, just ignore him.

Ja!


	9. Ayame's Exciting THEEAYTER Excursion!

       Chapter 9

       Ayame's Exciting THEE-AY-TER Excursion!

Well, there was a vote on what the next chapter would be about since this story has THREE different plots going at the same time, which is just CRAZY! But I decided to find out what Ayame and Yuki were doing as to give you a break from a chapter with Hatori in shorts.

Ayame didn't really know where the theater was, but he figured it he walked around that crazy North Dakota town long enough, he was bound to find one! Of course, all of the poor children following him believed he knew exactly where he was going, but they would soon be unpleasantly surprised.

" THIS IS SO FUN!" Tohru and Momiji cheered happily, skipping along and holding hands. Even though all they were doing was walking down sidewalks pointlessly, but maybe this is fun in North Dakota.

Haru was trying to decide who he should walk with- RIN or YUKI. Well, he decided Rin, because she was his ex-girlfriend, but she started throwing things at him, and chucking IV machines at his head, so he walked over to Yuki instead.

" Nii-san, do you even know where you're going?!" Yuki demanded.

" Yuki." Ayame said, turning around with his hands on his hips, " If you don't quit acting like I have NO idea where I'm going, I'm going to cut you loose from this group and you will have to fend for yourself!"

" But you don't have any idea where you're going!"

" I learned my directions. Never Eat Soggy Wheat." Ayame recited proudly.

" THAT'S NOT-"

" THE GAP!!!" Tohru suddenly shrieked foolishly. Ayame and Yuki blinked at her.

" What?" They asked.

" The Gap! It's right there! Let's go shopping!" Tohru remarked happily, pointing to a big Gap store right in front of them.

" That's a great idea! I need new clothes!" Ayame nodded.

" But we were going to the theater! I wanna see THE THUNDERBIRDS!" Momiji whined. But of course, anyone in their right mind wouldn't want to see The Thunderbirds, but all of the Sohmas are INSANE, so they all nodded longingly.

" Okay," Said Ayame. " We'll go see The Thunderbirds after we go to The Gap. And then I'll take you all out to lunch." Just so you know, he had just made this all up on the spot, but he made it sound like he had been planning it all along.

" Wow, Ayame, you're the BEST!" Momiji said, gaping in awe at Ayame.

" Yuki's very lucky to have you as his big brother." Tohru remarked foolishly.

" I wish Ayame was MY brother." Haru said aloud.

" Me too." Said Rin.

" See, Yuki? See what all these people have to say about me?" Ayame said, basking in all this newfound hero-worship. " And just for that, I'm buying you all something from the gap!"

" Hoo-RAY!" Cheered everyone but Yuki.

" Do you even have any money?!" Yuki demanded.

" No…" Ayame admitted, and for a minute everyone froze and stared at him.

" … But I DO have Hatori's credit card!" He added at the last second, whipping out a Visa Express card that had Hatori Sohma written on it. How had Ayame gotten this from Hatori? Well, I'm certain Hatori was just stupid enough to leave his credit cards lying around everywhere. Or maybe not? HMMM… Maybe YOU can figure out this MYSTERY!!

" I don't think you can just USE Hatori's credit card," Yuki said, because we all know Yuki is vying for the spot of Junior-Hatori.

You know what I just realized? Once again, I've forgotten Ritsu is in this story! (chuckles like Kureno) Oh, that crazy, forgettable, neglected Ritsu. OH WELL! Of course, YOU probably didn't notice. And if you did, well, you're a dork for actually CARING about Ritsu. We'll just say that Ritsu was left all alone at the Museum to wait for Hatori and Shigure. Hopefully I'll remember he's in the story NEXT time!

Luckily, since everyone was so busy NOT remembering their cousin Ritsu, Yuki's little comment just went by in an ignored way. Everyone followed Ayame as he marched into the Gap.

Even though this doesn't REALLY happen when you go to the Gap, some guy said, " Welcome to the Gap! Can I help you?" Normally you have to hunt down those sneaky little bastards, but this story is different.

" That's okay! Everyone, just go find something you like and bring it back to me, and I'LL charge it!" Ayame told all of the Sohma's and Tohru. Everyone cheered and skipped off merrily to grab stuff to charge on Hatori's credit card.

" Nii-san…" Yuki murmured with a crazy blue aura surrounding him.

" Oh my! Are all those children yours? They all look so different!" The nice little helper guy exclaimed, because he was VERY interested.

" Actually, I work at an orphanage and today I decided I would bring all the children to the Gap to splurge!" Ayame lied to the gullible man.

" That's so nice!" Said the helper man. " Although, is this your little sibling? You look just alike except your hair and eye color are RADICALLY different!"

" You're the smartest person I've talked to all day!" Ayame said cheerfully to the helper man.

" Then, if your sister needs any help finding clothes, why don't you let me help?" The helper man offered kindly.

Yuki froze and gave the guy a look that anyone else would have taken and realized their mistake. But the helper guy was oblivious.

" Yes, yes she wouldn't mind that!" Ayame laughed.

" NII-SAN, HOW DARE YOU-"

" Just kidding, Yuki! Now go off!" Ayame chuckled, waving him away.

" But I don't want to buy any girl's clothes!" Yuki protested, as memories of the DRESS came rushing back to him.

" Why not? You're wearing girl's clothes now." Ayame pointed out.

" I am not!" Yuki said, looking down at his clothes, which were his outfit that consists of the EXTREMELY girly white shirt with the sleeve's cut off and the little red tie thingy and the tight, zipper-less black pants. You know which one I'm talking about.

" SURE. Yuki, if you don't want to BUY girl's clothes, why are you WEARING girl's clothes?" Ayame asked, which was sort of a hypocritical thing to say, as he was wearing his pretty red dress thing.

" I'M NOT! I'M NOT!" Yuki yelled.

" Oh, so you're a tomboy?" The helper guy asked.

" I'M NOT A GIRL!" Yuki (which is normally a GIRL'S name) yelled in an angry voice (that was done by a WOMAN) and shaking his fist threateningly (which was pale and tiny and girly, JUST LIKE HIM!)

" Okay. WHATEVER you say." The helper dude chuckled and then walked away.

" I'm not. I'm not. I'm not." Yuki repeated to himself out loud, trying to calm his inner bitch trying to claw it's way through. You see, he knew he SHOULD have been a girl, and that he might as well BE a girl, but he didn't WANT to be a girl! All he really wanted was some cheese, and he wasn't sure if this was girly OR masculine.

" Ahahaha! You're so cute when you have a mistaken identity." Ayame chuckled foolishly, patting Yuki on the head. Ayame really didn't care if he was a BOY or a GIRL. Because he's the snake! Do snakes even have genders? " So, Yuki, is there anything you want? Anything at all?"

" NO!" Yuki lied. How he wanted that cheese…

HOOONK!

Rin, Tohru and Momiji were all shopping in the same section because they're all girls! Just kidding. They're not. Momiji is a boy. But he was still shopping in the same section.

" I LOVE Hello Kitty!" Rin shrieked outloud, but then realized she was in front of people and quickly added, " NOT."

" I think they should make Hello Bunny!" Momiji said as if it were the greatest idea in the world.

" I thing they should make Hello Strawberry!" Tohru added.

" Or Hello Doggy!"

" Or Hello Mousey!"

" MAYBE, Hello Horsey! For Rin! If I bought you a shirt that said, ' Hello Horsey!' would you wear it, Rin?" Momiji asked Rin.

" No." Said Rin. " Then everyone would know I was the horse. Anyone who knew about the secret, anyway."

" Wouldn't they ALREADY know then?" Tohru pointed out.

" Well… yeah…" Rin muttered, and tried to look mysterious and sexy so everyone would forget her goof. But Tohru and Momiji were far too simpleminded to be fooled that way.

" What are you going to buy, Momiji-kun?" Tohru asked Momiji.

" Hmm… I don't know! What I REALLY want to get is a new BERET!" Momiji exclaimed, as if getting a new beret was the one thing on his mind all the time. And maybe it was.

" I want to get a new ribbon!" Tohru sighed. " But I don't know if I should! It's so very kind of Ayame-san to use Hatori-san's credit card for us…"

" But you have to get something!" Momiji protested.

" No, I really shouldn't…" Tohru decided, shaking her head.

" Well, if you're not going to get the ribbon, I'LL get it for you!" Momiji declared. " That way it'll be a present from me to you!"

" Momiji-kun… you shouldn't…" Tohry said with tears in her eyes.

" ARGH! OH MY GOD! YOU TWO ARE DISGUSTING!" Rin yelled, naueseated by the cuteness and sweetness of the situation. And with that, she went stomping off.

Tohru and Momiji watched her go, and then went back to being happy.

" Oh look! This one has STRAWBERRIES on it!" Tohru exclaimed, holding up a ribbon with strawberries on it.

" Get that one. It's SO you." Momiji said, not caring that he sounded WAY too much like a girl. Momiji is another one of those people that doesn't care if he's a boy OR a girl.

" Okay!" Said Tohru. She wished that the days of picking out ribbons with Momiji could go on forever and ever and ever and ever.

HOOONK!

Haru was on a mission. A mission to find the golden chain. You see, Haru had many SILVER chains. He had a few bronze chains. He even had a little purple chain they had given him for his birthday. But what he didn't have was a golden chain. His whole life, or at least for about three months, he had been searching for that golden chain. And yet, it always eluded him.

As he walked about the Gap, he searched and searched under ever belt and chain aisle he could. He even went to The Buddy Barn Emergency Chain Store Inside a Store to look for one. But even they had run out. Just when Haru had given himself up for loss, he saw it. The perfect golden chain sitting on top of a pants display. Someone had left it there carelessly for him to find. Haru picked up the chain.

He rubbed his face against the cool metal. He poked his fingertips through the small links. He ignored the small leather circle that was attached to the end of it at first, but then realized whoever had made the chain was smart enough to attach a choker to it.

It was the second-happiest moment of that day for our friend Haru. He contently carried the chain off to Ayame.  He didn't know that he had actually found a dog chain leash and collar, but then again, I don't think he'd really care.

HOOONK!

" Has everyone gotten something?" Ayame asked all of the assorted teenagers. Ayame himself had boughten presents for himself and the other two members of the Mabudachi Trio! Of course, Hatori and Shigure's presents were actually just presents that they would have no use for, and would probably give to Ayame since he had really just bought them for himself, but it's the THOUGHT that counts!

Haru had gotten his golden dog leash. Ayame didn't think anything of it, because he thought that Haru had a dog! Hardy-har-har!

Momiji had gotten a beret. It was pink.

Yuki hadn't got anthing, knowing he'd be glad he didn't later.

Tohru had gotten a ribbon with STRAWBERRIES on it.

Rin had gotten MORE batteries for her palm pilot. (ARGH! WHAT DOES A PALM PILOT DO?!)

" Okay! Well, charge it up!" Ayame said to the crazy cashier lady named Edna. Edna gave him an evil look. See, Edna was sad, because she wasn't very pretty. In fact, she was actually very ugly. And the fact that she had THREE males in front of her that were more feminine than HER, a WOMAN, offended her very much.

Are you wondering what everything cost? I bet you are! Well, here's the price tags.

Ayame bought 3 dress-chinese-men-clothes-thingys that were 45 dollars each.

Haru bought his leash for six dollars.

Momiji's beret had cost seven dollars AND three cence.

Tohru's ribbon had cost a dollar.

Rin's batteries had cost two dollars and TWO cence.

Now's your chance to take a little break from reading. Let's find out how much all those numbers are ADDED together. Now don't forget to carry your ones! Then I want you to come back with the answer.

…

…

" That'll be One-hundred-and-Fifty-One dollars." Edna said, and everyone immediately started humming the Pokerap in their head. " And five cence." I hope everyone whose reading this didn't actually add up the prices. Because if you did, well… you're a nerd that likes math and actually cares. And we laugh at you like we laugh at the Hatori who is wearing shorts.

(points) AHAHAHAHAHA!

Since I don't know how to add tax, there WAS no tax! Huzzah! Edna resentfully put all of their things into a bag, even though the only person who really wanted one was Ayame and then with a glare sent them on their merry way. She then exploded after fufilling her one, unhappy purpose in life.

" Ayame-san, I don't know how I can ever repay you for your generosity!" Tohru exclaimed, hugging her ribbon to her.

" Hmm… me neither." Ayame admitted. " But in any case, now we must move forward! Onto… where did you children say you wanted to go again?"

" You said you were taking us to the movies." Haru said.

" Oh! Which movie did I say I was taking you to?" Ayame asked.

" You were taking us to see the THUNDERBIRDS!" Momiji said, practically hypervenilating with excitement.

" Oh, GOOD! I'm glad I wanted to take you to see THAT movie, instead of something like The Stepford Wives." Ayame chuckled. " Okay then, we're off to the movie theater."

" Haven't you spent ENOUGH of Hatori's money?" Yuki demanded.

" NO." Said Ayame.

They eventually arrived at a movie theater. But not just any theater. The Super Ultra Deluxe Grand Mega Buddy Barn SUPER Theater! Unfortunately, they werent showing Thunderbirds. JUST kidding, silly, it's a plot time saving device! Of course they were showing the THUNDERBIRDS! Pssh, I mean COME ON, who wouldn't want to be showing that crazy movie?

" Welcome to The Super Ultra Deluxe Grand Mega Buddy Barn SUPER Theater!" That Buddy Barn Guy greeted them at the ticket window, and then held up his hand before Ayame could say anything. " Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking. That must take him a REALLY long time to say. How DOES he do it?"

" Actually, I talk just as fast. So I need six Super Ultra Deluxe Grand Mega Buddy Barn SUPER tickets to go see the Super Ultra Deluxe Grand Mega Buddy Barn SUPER three o clock showing of the Thunderbirds." Ayame replied without even having to stop for breath.

" Okay," Said That Buddy Barn Guy, as, since he was the only employee there, leading them to the food and drinks section right after he had given them their tickets, " Would you like a Super Ultra Deluxe Grand Mega Buddy Barn SUPER snack or refreshment?"

" I dunno! Well, being the snake, the food from breakfast is still slowly digesting as it will be for a week, so how about you guys? Are you hungry?" Ayame asked all of the children. It didn't occur to him that if he fed them all this popcorn and soda now, they wouldn't be hungry LATER when they all went out to lunch.

" No." Said Yuki, since he didn't see any CHEESE on the menu. And even if there was, it's not like he would have gotten it in front of everybody. " And nii-san, movie food is expensive."

" I KNOW, isn't that something?" Ayame replied, not really paying attention.

" Just a small popcorn, please." Tohru said, which wasn't too bad, even if the food was ridiculously expensive.

" I'll have some mystery-flavored starburst." Rin sighed.

" Can I get TWO large popcorns? And a large SODA? And a PICKLE? And some candy?" Momiji asked, because he was REALLY hungry.

Any adult in their right mind would have gone, " WHAT? OF COURSE NOT!" Because the total of Momiji's food would come to about oh, a MILLION dollars! Well, not a million, but a heckuva lot.

" Okay!" Ayame beamed naïvely, the wrath that Hatori would probably inflict on him absent from his mind. " How about you, Haru, young lad?"

" Huh. Oh." Haru blinked, because he hadn't been paying attention for the last five minutes. " I'll just have whatever Momiji's having."

" Okay!" Ayame said again, and then told That Buddy Barn Guy his orders. Unforunately, since they all had Super Ultra Deluxe Grand Mega Buddy Barn SUPER attached to them, I can't write out Ayame saying this, or I would fill up the the rest of the world with just that one order. So let's just say Ayame charged another unhealthy sum of money onto poor Hatori's credit card.

" Well, I'll take your tickets and you'll be on your way!" That Buddy Barn Guy said enthusiastically, as he led him to just ONE of the MANY showing rooms of the Thunderbirds. Do you want to know how they sat? Okay! They sat in a row near the top, so they wouldn't burn out their eyes. And this is how they sat.

Ayame-Yuki-Tohru-Momiji

Where's Haru and Rin, you ask? Well, Rin hadn't wanted to sit with them, so she had gone off by herself. Haru got lost and accidently went to go see ' The Notebook.' Fortunately, Ayame had already forgotten about their existence and everyone else… didn't care!

" I can't wait I can't wait I can't wait…" Momiji repeated over and over again.

" I'm so excited!" Tohru agreed.

" I'm glad you're so excited." Yuki told Tohru.

" Well, who WOULDN'T be excited to see the THUNDERBIRDS?!" Ayame asked enthusiastically.

" YEAH!" Everyone laughed including Ayame.

" Keep it DOWN!" Shouted some belligerent woman who was actually Rin from far away.

" The movie hasn't started yet! You have no right to tell me to be quiet yet!" Ayame yelled back since he wanted to make a big scene out of things.

" Nii-san…" Yuki said with a little sweatdrop.

" JUST SHUT UP!" Shouted that crazy guy from Pepper Ann.

Ayame was just about to say, ' Oh no, you din't!' and go teach that guy a lesson, when the lights suddenly dimmed and the movie suddenly started! And so, everyone forgot they were angry and settled down to watch the THUNDERBIRDS!

Let's… THUNDERIZE!

HOOONK!

" This is… the best… movie… EVER…" Haru sniffed, and dabbed his streaming eyes with a hanky as that sad music began to play and yet ANOTHER heartbreaking scene began to play in that crazy chick flick.

HOOONK!

Like I said before, someone would have to be INSANE to want to go see The Thunderbirds. But, it would take someone REALLY mentally ill to actually LIKE The Thunderbirds.

" That was the best movie EVER!" Momiji cheered as he skipped out of the theater with everyone else. All of the other mentally ill people that wanted to go see The Thunderbirds exploded. As they were not important, but also mentally ill.

" Yeah…" Yuki echoed shyly, but he really liked it just as much as Momiji. He just couldn't express his joy in such a happy way.

" That was the year's BEST!" Ayame proclaimed with an 'ah ha ha' laugh, but really, that was the only movie he HAD seen that year, so I wouldn't take his word on it.

" I want to see it again." Rin said, appearing out of nowhere, but nobody questioned her and her mysterious ways.

" Me too!" Tohru lied. See, she wasn't THAT mentally ill, and she hadn't really enjoyed the movie. But she was too kind to say that she hadn't enjoyed it. Therefore, even if she DID not enjoy the movie, she might as well have liked it if she was going to pretend she did. ARGH!

" Haru? Where were you?" Momiji asked Haru who wandered out of his showing of The Notebook with red eyes from crying so much.

" I accidently went to go see the movie in there." Haru answered.

" Was it good?" Yuki asked him.

" Take it from me, you're gonna NEED a tissue." Haru sniffed, still not quite over the sadness of the very predictable movie. Secretly, though, BLACK Haru had hated that movie. But we're talking about WHITE Haru and White Haru loved it. I don't know about the other Haru's.

" Well, now that we're done seeing the movie, we should go to lunch!" Ayame said.

Even though everyone was full, they agreed anyway, since they didn't want to seem ungrateful to Ayame spending Hatori's money on them. So Ayame took them to this really expensive resturaunt and ordered a lot of stuff that came down to about ANOTHER hundred dollars worth of money. No one really ate the food, but OH WELL!

So, if you must know, Ayame had now spent 314 dollars and 72 cence. And it was ALL Hatori's money. My God, what has he gotten himself into?

" Well, we better go back to the Museum now to wait for Gure-san and the others!" Ayame said happily.

" Awww…" Said everyone.

" Don't be like that, after I've been so majestically kind to you! Be grateful for the time you spent in my presence and DON'T think I'm going to spoil you with Tori-san's money EVERYTIME. Only MOST times." Ayame told all of them sternly.

And so they headed back to the museum after that WONDERFUL Thee-Ay-Ter excursion!

OMAKE!

Wow! Kyon-Kyon got a lot of questions! I guess this proves that the CAT is very popular! Unfortunately, I can't ask him ALL the questions you asked, because that would just be madness! But I'll ask him a lot. Oh, and thanks for the catnip! I'm already high off BETTER stuff than that, but this helps! (swallows cat-nip) Mmmm… catnip… As for my search for Carl, it's going swell. How can I be searching for Carl and here at the same time…? Do not question me, ignorant masses! HAIL IPALAZZO-SAMA!

Hayley: Okay, Kyon-kyon, question time! First one…

Person: Would you eat a leek if I paid you a million dollars?

Kyo: NO! NEVER! ( Doesn't know what a million dollars would equal to in yen.)

Person: Kyo-kun, how could you support the LONE CHICKEN?

Kyo: It's not like I WANT to! What kind of stupid question is that? DON'T YOU READ?! ARGH!

Naria: Wouldn't you like to be a model for Aya?

Kyo: WHAT THE HELL? NEVER! OF COURSE NOT!

Ayame: (appears from nowhere) Yes, yes, Kyon-kichi, it would be fun!

Kyo: NO IT WOULDN'T! I'D RATHER DIE!

Ayame: Ahahaha, Kyonkichi, you're such a KIDDER!

Kyo: AHHH! (knocks Ayame out of the hemisphere)

Person: Come on, you know you love Yuki and his adorable Nezumi-ness!

Kyo: …what…? Really, if it's just going to be like this, let me go home.

Hayley: (in Kyo's voice) What? Of course! I love Yuki! I'm IN love with Yuki! I want to shower him with my man-love!

Kyo: WHAT? NO I DON'T!

Hayley: (still in Kyo's voice) And I wouldn't ever admit it, but boy, do I LOVE collecting Teenie Beanies!

Kyo: DIE!

Hayley: (glomps Kyo) There! Now you're the CAT! And do you know what I do to cats?

Kyo-Kitty: No…

Hayley: I feed them to ALF!

Alf: Here, kitty, kitty… (proceeds to try and devour Kyo)

Kyo: ARGH! HELP ME! DAMN YOU CAT-EATING ALIEN!

Hayley: Oh, you wacky kids! Shucks Howdy, we're out of time! Okay, well next time send questions to Shii-chan! Until then…

Kyo: HELP!

Hayley: …Ja!


	10. Hatori and Shigure Grand Theft Auto!

Chapter 10

Shigure and Hatori Grand Theft Auto!

Well, when we left Shigure and Hatori, they were off to search for Kureno and his charges. Two tough guys about town… wearing dark sunglasses and suits… well, actually, they were just wearing the dark glasses because it was so sunny outside. Shigure had changed magically into his fancy suit and Hatori was wearing shorts.

" We're like Reservoir Dogs! Get it, Haa-san? Reservoir DOGS! HAHAHA!" Shigure laughed. Hatori didn't laugh back.

" See, it's funny because I'm a member of a cursed family that turns into an animal under certain conditions, and I just happen to be the dog-" Shigure started to explain.

" I get it Shigure. I just didn't think it was very funny." Hatori admitted.

Shigure chuckled heartily to himself for awhile. He didn't stop until finally Hatori turned around and glared at him. " What?"

" I was just thinking that you were a Reservoir SEAHORSE!" Shigure chuckled warmly.

" I am not a Reservoir Seahorse." Hatori said as if the idea offended him.

" You SO are." Shigure giggled.

" Whatever." Said Hatori, turning around to look over the large city of North Dakota. " Where do you think Kureno took them?"

" I dunno. Why do we have to go look for them? Won't they just eventually wander back in time?" Shigure asked, because he didn't really want to go find everyone and be responsible.

" No. We have to be responsible adults and find them ourselves." Hatori said.

" I hate it when that happens." Shigure groaned.

Hatori ignored Shigure. He had really only brought Shigure along because… well, Hatori didn't know why. Probably because he would have been lonely without one of his BEST buddies tagging along! Or not. Yeah, probably not that reason.

They walked about for awhile, and Hatori was going through everything he knew about Kureno that would help to their search in his mind. Shigure was thinking about… nothing! He was still sniggering over the whole seahorse thing.

" If I were Kureno, which Thank God I'm not," Hatori said out loud, stopping in the middle of a walk. " I would probably be doing something mindless and stupid to try and ruin you, me, and Ayame."

" Curse that Lone Chicken!" Shigure exclaimed, shaking his fist threateningly.

" That would probably mean he's spending money on something… if I could track him down using his credit card number, we could find where he is." Hatori said. Of course, in reality, this would be a very stupid, unrealistic approach. But then again, I've seen too many spy movies, and it ALWAYS works in them, so why not?

" That's genius Haa-san! But where are we going to find a Credit Card tracking device?" Shigure asked Hatori.

" Did anyone say they needed to track a Credit Card using a Buddy Barn Credit Card Tracking Machine thingy?" That Buddy Barn Guy asked, appearing next to them with a small laptop computer thing.

" HUZZAH!" Shigure yelled.

" How do you pop out of nowhere?" Hatori asked suspiciously.

" Excuse me? EXCUSE ME? I come from nowhere to offer you easy, time-saving ways to do things disguised as a plot hole, and all you can do is WHINE about it?" That Buddy Barn Guy asked angrily.

" I'm not whining." Hatori argued.

" It's not NICE, that's what I'm trying to say! All I'm asking for is a little respect! Yeah, give it to me when I get home!" That Buddy Barn Guy sang suddenly, as a Buddy Barn Powered Spotlight and Buddy Barn remix of Aretha Franklin came on.

" Just a little bit!" Shigure added.

" R-E-S-P-E-C-T! FIND OUT WHAT IT MEANS TO ME! R-E-S-P-E-C-T! RESPECT, GIVE TO ME!" That Buddy Barn Guy continued to sing and then began moon walking all over the sidewalk.

" Sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me-" Shigure started to sing along, but Hatori hit him on the head to stop this madness.

" Okay. I apologize. Now can you please stop singing and help me?" Hatori asked, because well… can you imagine Hatori NOT being disturbed by what just happened?

" I suppose. But only if you realize that all I'm asking for is-"

" Yes. Respect. Don't sing any more." Hatori said quickly.

" Fine. I won't." That Buddy Barn Guy said, but you could tell he probably really wanted to continue singing it. " Now, if you'll just give me the name of the person whose credit card you need to track, I'll get on with my time saving duty."

" Sohma Kureno." Hatori told him.

" Sohma Kureno? Sohma KURENO? SHUCKS HOWDY! What kinda name is SOHMA KURENO?" That Buddy Barn Guy exclaimed like a hick, slapping his forehead.

" Are you done?" Hatori asked him.

" Yes. Yes I am." That Buddy Barn Guy said with dignity, and punched in Sohma Kureno's name. All at once, a lot of information on Kureno came popping up all special-like. It had his name and his address and where he lived and all of that sort of stuff. But it ALSO had a list of all the things Kureno had ever bought within the last three days with his credit card! Of course, all of the snacks they had bought at the gas station were there.

" The last place this Kureno Sohma bought something at was… at a Golden Corral restaurant! FIVE seconds ago!" That Buddy Barn Guy said triumphantly. " And as this is getting a little TOO convenient, I will leave now before the readers began to get angry." And with that, he whipped out his magical ocarina and teleported off to wherever it is Buddy Barn Guy's go.

" The Golden Corral! The most evil of evil cafeteria style restaurants! I wonder what he's doing to poor Kyo and Kagura there…" Shigure said dramatically, shaking his head.

" Well, he's probably getting them something to eat." Hatori pointed out obviously.

" I knew that. The question is… how do we find them?" Shigure ignored Hatori, striking another dramatic pose.

" I don't know. I don't even know where the Golden Corral is in North Dakota." Hatori replied.

" I DO!" Shigure exclaimed. How did he know? Well, swallowing Tingle had imprinted all the maps of the world into his brain and so now he knew where everything was. Just kidding. He had gotten a little brochure on great dining upon arriving in North Dakota. " Here. It's ALL the way on the other side of town." He said pointing to a little dot that indicated The Golden Corral.

" Great. We'll have to walk all the way there. I hope Ayame can keep those kids busy." Hatori said with a manly sigh, and began to march heroically west.

" Wait! Are you saying that we're ACTUALLY going to walk all the way there?" Shigure demanded with his hands on his hips.

" Yes… Shigure, it only _looks_ like it's really far away. In reality, it should only take us about forty-five minutes." Hatori reasoned with Shigure. His mind was set. He needed to liberate Kyo and Kagura from the clutches of Kureno NOW!

Hey… they're names all start with K! Triple K! They're the KKK! Oh wait. That's bad. Never mind.

" I am NOT walking for forty-five minutes. Not in THESE sandals, and not in YOUR shorts." Shigure reasoned. Yes, even though he had changed into his kick-ass suit and sunglasses, Shigure was still wearing those crazy little wooden sandals. Why? Me no know!

" You're just being lazy."

" I'm not being lazy. I'm being practical. We have to think of the PRACTICAL way to solve this situation. And you are not being practical." Shigure added, since he had just discovered that saying the word practical was really fun.

" And what, do you suggest, is the practical way to solve this situation?" Hatori asked Shigure sarcastically.

All of a sudden, some crazy guy in a business suit drove up RIGHT next to them, looking down at his watch and then up at some crazy tall sparkly building. His name is Late George. He was very late for an important meeting.

" I'm late! I'm late! ARGH!" Screamed Late George and catapulted himself out of his car and ran towards the big building like a fool, leaving his car door open with the keys still in and everything. See, when Late George is late, he drops EVERYTHING.

" That was dumb. I better go tell him he left his keys in and everything." Hatori said, ready to be a good citizen. However, Shigure… was NOT! He frolicked over to the car happily and sat down in the driver's seat. He then gave Hatori a happy grin.

" No. Shigure, we can not just steal some poor man's car." Hatori reasoned.

" We're not stealing! We're borrowing! This is a very practical solution to our problem!" Shigure argued, but he still had a big grin on his face. At this moment, Shigure was the dog of glee.

" This is NOT practical." Hatori argued.

" Okay. Well then, you can do it YOUR way. I'll see you after forty-five minutes of WALKING." Shigure said evilly, and began twisting the wheel of Late George's car happily.

" Wait." Said Hatori. See, there were many things wrong with this situation, but what was wrong right now was that Hatori would have to walk through town in shorts all by himself. And this would just not do. Hatori sighed, and walked over to the passenger side and poked his head through the window. " But can't you at least let me drive?"

" No." Said Shigure. " This is the first chance I've gotten to drive in a long time, and I'm not letting YOU ruin it for me."

" Shigure, you have no driver's license. And this is a stolen car." Hatori argued.

" BORROWED." Shigure corrected. " Now are you getting in or not?"

Hatori sighed, and knew he was going to regret this, but then again, he was regretting the whole vacation, so what the hey? He got into the passenger seat. Late George's car was very clean and nice, and if he was there, those two crazy Sohmas would have complimented him, but he's not. He's being very LATE at his meeting.

" Buckle up, Haa-san!" Shigure chuckled, as if it were the funniest thing in the world.

" I don't have to." Hatori argued, because… he was INSULTED! Not only was Shigure going to drive him around in a STOLEN car, but now he was TELLING Hatori Sohma what to do? THE NERVE!

" We're not going until you buckle up." Shigure said sternly.

Hatori glared at him and buckled up.

" Okay… well… it's been a long time since I used to drive Ayame around in your car…" Shigure murmured, looking at the car with a thoughtful look.

" You and Ayame drove around in my car? YOU drove around in my car?" Hatori demanded.

" Only when you didn't know. And most of the time it was Ayame." Shigure added, as if this were supposed to make things better. " Okay! Here we go." He then pressed down hard on the right pedal and they began to accelerate at an alarming pace down the road.

" Shigure slow down." Hatori said.

" No. I WON'T." Shigure replied with a gleeful little laugh just to annoy Hatori.

Hatori would have argued more but he noticed that Shigure was actually pretty GOOD at driving, even if he didn't have a license, and decided he would just lay his head back and think about things that made him calmer. _Potpourri, potpourri, potpourri… _Hatori thought to himself over and over.

" Oops! A yellow light! Better slow down!" Shigure chuckled like Kureno as they neared a traffic light. Hatori blinked and then gave Shigure a weird look.

" That was a green light." Hatori said.

" Oh. Well, then, better NOT slow down!" Shigure laughed nervously, and sped past the green light.

" How could you not know that was a green light?" Hatori asked suspiciously.

" Oh, I don't know, Hatori. How could YOU not know Doctor Wright had a daughter? Named KIMBERLY MANNINGTON?" Shigure yelled.

" Quit ruining that book!" Hatori argued.

" DOCTOR WRIGHT COULDN'T SAVE THE TWINS, DOCTOR WRIGHT COULDN'T SAVE THE TWINS!" Shigure sang over and over as Hatori plugged his ears with his hands and pretended that Shigure had really just told him everything anyone needed to know about the rest of his beloved book.

Just then, Hatori noticed that Shigure was still driving rather quickly as they neared a red light. What's MORE, Shigure was looking straight at the light and acting as if he didn't see it! What's gotten into that sick puppy?

" Shigure, that's a red light. Why aren't you stopping?!" Hatori demanded as Shigure continued to zoom straight towards the light.

" Oh. Is it?" Shigure asked curiously, but it was too late. They had whished right past the RED light. And as you know, that's ILLEGAL! AND BAD!

" Shigure, why did you do that?" Hatori asked in a very dangerous voice.

" I can't tell you, Haa-san!" Shigure said dramatically, as he continued to drive.

" Okay. Well, just quit driving." Hatori said, not really caring. HE just wanted to be the one driving that crazy car.

" The truth is… I am colorblind, just like the cursed dog I represent!" Shigure continued, because he really had wanted to tell his dramatic story. " I can't distinguish colors!"

" You mean to tell me you can't see what color the traffic lights are?" Hatori demanded.

" Nope!" Shigure said cheerfully. " Not a one!" And with that, he drove past ANOTHER red light.

" Quit driving!" Hatori yelled.

" I don't wanna!" Shigure whined, as suddenly sirens began to fill the air. Both of them looked back to see none other than SECURITY FRED on a motorcycle, headed their way!

" YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME, COPPERS!" Shigure yelled, and he started to put the pedal to the metal, but Hatori flicked him in the forehead, rendering Shigure TEMPORARILY immobile and shocked. The car slowly ground to a halt, as Security Fred drove up to them.

" Did you just FLICK me?" Shigure demanded.

Hatori shrugged. It seemed like a trick question to him.

" I can't believe that you FLICKED me!" Shigure said out loud, as if it were the most incomprehensible thing in the world.

Security Fred got off his motorcycle and came walking up to the window. He would have said, " Not those CRAZY Sohmas again!" But he had only met Akito, Kyo, Kagura and Kureno. So he didn't! Darn!

" Excuse me." Said Security Fred in an important voice.

Shigure rolled down the window and gave Security Fred an amazed look. " He just FLICKED me!" He exclaimed, pointing at Hatori, who wished he was anywhere but there.

" Yeah, yeah, I've heard THAT excuse before. Do you realize you were speeding AND ignoring the traffic lights?" Security Fred asked.

" Yes…" Shigure said giving Security Fred a 'duh' look.

" May I ask to see your Driver's License, sir?" Security Fred continued.

" You MAY." Shigure laughed heartily. " But I don't have one!"

" Shigure, you insufferable fool…" Hatori muttered like Giovanni.

" What? You don't have a driver's license? And you were driving around hilly doe may just as much as you please thank you?!" Security Fred exclaimed, never having run into such an OFFENSIVE speeder.

" Yup." Shigure nodded.

" And you! Do YOU have a Driver's License, you flicker?" Security Fred asked Hatori, who was unsuccessfully trying to become invisible.

" Yes… yes I do." Hatori replied with a raised eyebrow at being referred to as a 'flicker.'

" Um. Then why weren't YOU driving?" Security Fred said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Or at least in North Dakota.

" REALLY." Shigure clucked, shaking his head in disgust.

" I… do not know…" Hatori said slowly. He was AWARE that he looked like an idiot but he was too preoccupied to worry about that. He was asking himself why INDEED had he let Shigure drive? Why hadn't he thought ahead and imagined this scenario? Was Hatori getting too old for this?

For some reason, it all seemed to be the SHORTS fault. That's right, Hatori. Blame the shorts.

" Well! I can't believe how utterly irresponsible you are. I'm giving you a ticket." Security Fred told Hatori angrily.

" What? How come I get a ticket? How come he doesn't get a ticket?" Hatori demanded, pointing to Shigure who was sitting there innocently.

" It's not HIS fault that you didn't step in and try and guide him from walking down the wrong path, you flicker." Security Fred said with an evil look. " And for talking back to Security Fred, I'm making your fine even MORE expensive."

" You can't do that!" Hatori exclaimed.

" Hatori, dear, please!" Shigure snapped like a nervous housewife. " Just do as the man says."

And so, just like that, Security Fred gave Hatori a ticket for TWO-HUNDRED and thirty-three dollars! My God! And he wouldn't leave them until Hatori moved into the driver's seat, and he glared at them the whole time. Then he asked to see Hatori's license, which Hatori didn't want to show him, because the picture on his driver's license was really old, and Hatori had a funky haircut in it. Then Shigure and Security Fred laughed at Hatori's old funky haircut. Then Security Fred drove off on his motorcycle into the sunset.

" Two hundred and thirty three dollars. I can't believe it. You just cost me two hundred and thirty three dollars." Hatori breathed very slowly, trying to calm the inner rage he felt.

" Well, it probably would have only been TWO hundred dollars if you hadn't been such a smarty-pants with the officer." Shigure said, rolling his eyes.

Then Hatori killed Shigure. Just kidding. But he WANTED to. Hatori's face got all red and his palms got all sweaty, so he began to drive, and turned up the radio WAY too loud. Shigure gave him an uneasy look, but he decided that if he tried to talk to Hatori now he MIGHT not make it out of the car alive.

HOOONK!

" I don't WANT to go to the Golden Corral!" Kyo whined as the three of them got out of a crazy exploding taxi Kureno had called for them. " The food sucks!"

" What? The Golden Corral is my favorite restaurant! And the Lone Chicken and his flunky must agree about everything." Kureno said with an offended look. He was so happy! Not only was he going to eat at his FAVORITE cafeteria-style-restaurant, but the Mabudachi Trio WASN'T!

" And I have to agree with everything that Kyo-kun likes! So The Golden Corral is MY favorite restaurant!" Kagura added, excited because she was getting to eat out with KYO! THE CAT!

" THAT'S NOT TRUE!" Kyo yelled, but neither of them were sure what he was yelling at so they ignored him.

" Thanks Mac!" Kureno told the crazy taxi driver.

" My names not Mac!" Said the taxi driver whose name was not Mac.

" Oh." Kureno chuckled foolishly. " Sorry."

" It's BOOM-BOOM BARNIE! And don't you forget it!" Boom Boom Barnie yelled, shaking one fist at them resentfully, then drove off and exploded.

" Well, then, let's go, flunky, pig!" Kureno laughed, linking arms with the both of them and skipping into the Golden Corral. Except, he missed, since both Kyo and Kagura dodged his grab. And he sort of skipped a centimeter before he realized how dumb that would be. But they did enter the Golden Corral.

" This place has EVERYTHING!" Kagura said happily.

" And it all SUCKS." Kyo muttered, because he really DIDN'T like Golden Corral. Not just because he wanted to disagree with Kagura and Kureno. He just didn't like the food. And I don't blame him.

" I'm going to get whatever you get, Kyo-kun!" Kagura promised Kyo.

" Then I'm not getting anything." Kyo replied, thinking that of course Kagura would then change her mind and get something, therefore leaving him alone.

" Okay!" Kagura said.

" Never mind." Said Kyo.

" I'd like to get a table for three." Kureno told some crazy little butler dude at the front of the restaurant. Actually, at a real Golden Corral, you wouldn't have a butler. But this one did, because it was in North Dakota, and North Dakota is FULL of crazy little butler guys.

" We don't HAVE tables for three. We just have tables for even numbers." The butler guy said, and his crazy mustache quivered as if it were alive.

" Well, that doesn't make any sense! Surely, you get parties of ODD numbers sometimes." Kureno reasoned good-naturedly.

" No. We never do. In fact, this is the first time anyone has ever asked for an uneven number of people to be sat at a table." The butler replied.

" Oh. Well… can't you just pretend we're a party of four and let us sit at a table for four?" Kureno asked.

" But there are THREE of you." The butler guy pointed out.

" I KNOW. But you could just let the three of us sit at a table for four with ONE empty seat." Kureno explained very patiently and slowly.

The butler dude just stared at Kureno as if he were speaking some sort of strange foreign language. " But who would sit in the empty seat?"

" NOBODY." Kureno said, finally beginning to lose his cool a bit. But he won't lose it completely. Just a little bit, I promise.

Don't worry. It's okay.

" I think I understand what you're saying… alright… so for four people that will be fifty-two dollars…" The butler dude said slowly, giving Kureno a weird look.

" But there's only THREE people! No one else is coming!" Kureno exclaimed.

" But you're sitting at a table for four." The butler guy said.

" ARGH! FINE! WHATEVER YOU WANT!" Kureno said, and then calmly handed the butler guy fifty-two dollars. The butler guy thanked him, and then led the three of them to their table and gave them their trays to hoard food upon.

" Why do I have to carry two trays?" Kyo demanded when he was given his trays.

" For our 'fourth' party member." Kureno chuckled foolishly.

" But they're only three of us!"

" Zip it, flunky. Now, I'm off to the quiche section." Kureno said in a no nonsense voice and marched off to some stupid table that was full of quiche.

" What sort of food do you want to get, Kyo-kun?" Kagura asked Kyo excitedly.

" I don't know… what do they have…?" Kyo asked grumpily, putting ONE of his trays on top of the other one.

" They have a JELLO aisle! And a cauliflower section! And look!" Kagura exclaimed with a foolish titter, " A LEEK section!" She then pointed at a giant leek stand with just about every leek species imaginable.

Never before had Kyo wanted to burn something to the ground so badly. Never had he been this offended.

" I have to leave before I throw up." Kyo said darkly, wishing he could gouge his eyes out after seeing so many leeks.

" Okay!" Kagura said happily, and followed Kyo over to the seafood section. She got everything he did, even though she didn't particularly like fish heads! Just kidding. Kyo got popcorn shrimp. He loves popcorn shrimp.

" Kyo-kun, let's feed each other popcorn shrimp." Kagura said, since it was probably her idea of a romantic dinner.

" Why? I got my own, and you got your own." Kyo blinked, looking down at his plate, which had WAY too much popcorn shrimp on it. But he loved popcorn shrimp.

" Well… let's feed each other something else! Like cauliflower!" Kagura suggested, because she really wanted Kyo to feed her something and she really liked cauliflower.

" I hate cauliflower." Kyo said as if cauliflower had called him a nasty name.

" But I LOVE it!" Kagura said.

" Whoopty freakin' doo." Kyo muttered, and stalked off to the table to go eat his popcorn shrimp.

" KYO-KUN, YOU'RE SO HEARTLESS!" Kagura screamed, and grabbed a large cauliflower and chucked it at Kyo's head. It hit him in the head and all his popcorn shrimp went flying everywhere.

" OH MY!" Said all of the crazy Golden Corral Customers.

" KAGURA! WHY THE HELL DID YOU HAVE TO GO DO THAT?" Kyo yelled, shaking the cauliflower at her. Then he looked sadly down at all of his ruined popcorn shrimp.

" Oh my! This quiche is SUPERB!" Kureno said happily, coming over to them. Then he looked at Kyo who was sitting there like a fool surrounded by popcorn shrimp with pieces of cauliflower in his head. " What happened, flunky?"

" It's okay, Kyo-kun! Now I can feed you MY popcorn shrimp!" Kagura said.

" FINE! BUT ONLY BECAUSE YOU'RE PAYING ME BACK!" Kyo yelled, and stomped off to his table. Once they had gotten there, Kyo ate Kagura's popcorn shrimp, Kagura watched Kyo eat her popcorn shrimp and Kureno ate his QUICHE. Which was absolutely SUPERB!

" Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice you have an empty chair." Said some random person who we will call Corral Steve. Corral Steve was sitting at a table across from our letter K christened friends with five friends, making it an EVEN party of six.

" Yeah…?" Kyo said, distracted from his popcorn shrimp.

" Where's the fourth person in your party?" Corral Steve asked. " If you don't have an even number of people, you won't be able to have a team for Corral Bingo!"

" We don't WANT to play Corral Bingo." The three of them said.

Corral Steve gave them all a horrified look, and whispered something to his even number of friends. Then they all gave the three Sohmas bug-eyed looks.

" They're staring at me! How am I supposed to eat when people are staring at me?!" Kyo whined, not able to continue dining while people were watching him.

" People ALWAYS stare at me when I'M eating." Kureno said as he cut his quiche into very, very tiny pieces that were no bigger than the tip of your pinky.

" That's because you eat WEIRD." Kyo pointed out.

" No, I don't! This is how all chickens eat." Kureno chuckled foolishly.

" But you're not a chicken! You're a man!" Kagura pointed out.

" He's a chicken I tell you! A chicken!" Some random person cried.

" I am what you see." Kureno said mysteriously like Red XIII.

" But you just said you were a chicken." Kagura replied.

" Right! I am what you see."

" But I see a man." Kagura said.

" I'm confused!" Kyo whined.

" OH WELL!" Kureno said, and everyone in the Golden Corral shared a hearty chortle. And then the song began playing in the background: _Chicken Boo, Chicken Boo, You're not a man, You're a CHICKEN BOOOOO…_

HOOONK!

" HOORAY! It's Golden Corral!" Shigure cheered as he and Hatori pulled into the Golden Corral driveway.

" Shigure, you said Golden Corral was evil earlier." Hatori said.

" I wasn't hungry then." Shigure said sadly.

" Fine. But we're going to go to lunch when we get back to the museum anyway, so just wait." Hatori replied patiently. Hatori was pretty hungry too, considering he hadn't eaten ANYTHING since breakfast!

" But I'm hungry NOW…." Shigure whined.

" Shigure, shut up." Hatori snapped as they walked into the front door of the Golden Corral. And guess what? That same butler guy was there! HOORAY!

" Hello, gentlemen! Can I get you a table for two?" The random butler guy said politely.

" No. We're just here to pick some people up. Thank you, though." Hatori said quickly, and started to walk past the butler into the main room. But then the butler blocked his way.

" Um… excuse me…" Hatori said uneasily.

" I'm afraid I can't let you go in unless you're going to be eating something!" That butler dude exclaimed as if Hatori were trying to rob the place.

" But we don't want to eat. Haven't you ever had someone come here to take other people home?" Hatori asked.

" No. We never have. In fact, this is the first time anyone has ever asked to just waltz on in and MEET with somebody." The butler replied.

" But we HAVE to meet these people." Hatori said with an uneasy little smile, as if this were all just a little joke.

" Then you HAVE to pay to get in." The butler replied evenly.

" I'm hungry!" Shigure complained randomly.

" Shut up." Hatori said. " Can't I just have you go get them for me, then?"

" No." The butler decided. " You have made my day a lot more confusing, and I don't really feel like doing that for you."

" Listen, I just lost two hundred dollars and I really can't afford to waste money like this." Hatori pleaded.

" Sucks for YOU." The butler snorted.

Hatori froze for a second, and he was THIS close to erasing that man's memories then and there, but he took a few deep breaths, then bowed his head and counted to ten. Then he looked back up. " How much for two people?" He asked.

" YAY!" Shigure cheered as Hatori handed over twenty-six dollars. And if you've been keeping track, and even if you haven't, this is how much money Hatori has 'spent' today:

573 dollars and 72 cence.

" I'm so hungry. What should I get first? I want to try everything but it all looks SO good!" Shigure said as he hopped around eagerly with his little tray.

" Shigure, we're not here to eat. We're here to find Kureno, Kyo, and Kagura then leave. Got it?" Hatori said, having placed his OWN tray on a nearby table.

" Got it!" Shigure replied affirmatively.

" Good. Now let's split it up and look for them. You go that way and I'll go this way."

" Oh-KAY!" Shigure said enthusiastically, and ran off in a random direction that Hatori hadn't pointed to. And so, Hatori began his search. He was very hungry and several times he thought about secretly sneaking a carrot stick or something, but then Shigure might find out and yell at him about it. So he continued without eating ANYTHING.

Hatori looked and looked for a LONG time for those crazy cousins of his, but they were nowhere to be found! Finally, he went to go look to see if Shigure had any luck. He found Shigure consuming a large amount of cheetos in a corner, trying to look unsuspicious.

" Shigure. What are you doing? We're supposed to be looking for everyone else." Hatori asked, as Shigure jumped and nearly choked on one of his cheetos.

" I know… but… but… I was HUUUUNGRY, Haa-san…" Shigure whined with little fake tears. Hatori ignored him and snatched the bag of cheetos away from Shigure. For a second, Hatori had an instinctive urge to empty the whole bag into his mouth in one gulp, but he ignored it and threw the bag in a conveniently placed trash can.

" Come on." He sighed as Shigure continued to cry. But really, Shigure was already full, since he had eaten two brownies, one pie, three pieces of cheese and the cheetos while Hatori had been searching. Hatori had stopped him just as he had hit a cheese high.

" Let's sit for awhile. I'm tired." Hatori sighed, as they sat down at a random table.

" Okay!" Said Shigure. And so they sat for awhile. Hatori was trying to calm himself, and he looked pretty calm, even though he was crying in a very manly way on the inside.

" 5-C? Does anyone have 5-C?" Some crazy Corral Bingo guy called.

" BINGO!" Kureno cried.

" For the last time sir, YOU AREN'T EVEN PLAYING!" The Corral Bingo guy screamed.

" Oh!" Kureno chuckled foolishly. " That's right! Silly me."

Hatori turned around to see Kureno, Kyo, and Kagura sitting there at a table looking very different from all of the even-numbered people. They all looked back and waved.

" MAN, Hatori, why couldn't you get here sooner?" Kyo whined as soon as Hatori made his way slowly over to them. " I was stuck with Kureno!"

" Well, I'm very sorry, Kyo. Now, let's go." Hatori said in a very dangerous voice.

" But I haven't finished my QUICHE!" Kureno protested, since, because he had cut it into about a hundred little pieces that he took a long time to chew, it was taking FOREVER!

" I do not care." Hatori said slowly, emphasizing every word. And with that, he gave them all the Hatori glare of doom, and everyone, even the LONE CHICKEN, got to their feet and began to follow him out.

" Come on, Shigure." Hatori said to Shigure, who was sitting there filling out a bingo application.

" But I want to play bingo now!" Shigure whined.

" I am going to stuff that application down your nose. Now let's go." Hatori whispered in a really creepy voice.

And so, they all got back into the stolen car, and drove away as that crazy Golden Corral exploded.

HOOONK!

" Hey… where's my car?" Late George said, coming back from his meeting. He looked down at his watch.

" OH NO! I'M GOING TO BE LATE FOR CHEERS RE-RUNS!" He yelled, and began a mad dash for home. Go, Late George, GO!

OMAKE!

Ah, yes… the search continues. I am now in the very jungles of ABAKALOOBIE looking for that wretched Carl! Will I ever find him? WILL I? Do you even CARE? Probably not. But there's questions for Shii-chan, so hooray!

Person: Are you and Ayame an item?

Shigure: We are much, much more than an item… we are a story! A song! A beautiful rose opening it's buds, the very testament to love itself! WE ARE THE WORLD!

Hayley: …are you done?

Shigure: How come Aya didn't come back me up?

Hayley: (shrugs) He's probably still somewhere out of the hemisphere because of Kyon-Kyon last week.

Person: What are you wearing under your Yukata?

Shigure: Actually, nothing but my freakishly hairy chest!

(pause)

Shigure: Ahaha… just kidding. I'm just not wearing anything. I have a nice chest.

Hayley: Well, THAT'S a relief!

Person: Don't you think it's a little bit wrong for an almost middle-aged man to have an unabashed lust for high school girls?

Shigure: WHAT? (gasp) Shigure is offended! There is nothing wrong with it!

Hayley: I'M a high school girl!

Shigure: Really? Then I lust for you!

Hayley: (points to random object) THAT'S a high school girl!

Shigure: No it's not.

Hayley: Just testing. SHII-CHAN! I LOVE YOU! KISS ME, YOU FOOL! (glomps him)

Shigure: Um… well… I could lick you now, if you want.

Hayley: (sniffs) That's okay…

Next time send your questions to Kagura! It's not like she's that interesting, but OH WELL!

Ja!


	11. Akito and Kazuma's Excellent Adventure!

Note: Someone apparently thought the last chapter was too long! (in Jar-Jar Binks voice) How WUDE! However, if the chapters are INDEED too long… read faster! Da-HUCK!

Chapter 11

Akito and Kazuma's Excellent Adventure!

Well, when we left Akito and Kazuma (quite a long time ago) they were on their way to ruin the Sohma Family Summer Vacation! The fiends! Of course… it will take them quite awhile, since they're VERY behind. And not only that, but guess what? Kazuma had taken the WRONG mystical bridge! ARGH! He had taken the mystical bridge to NEW MEXICO and NOT North Dakota! Kazuma, you fool!

But fortunately, Akito couldn't tell New Mexico from North Dakota, so he just assumed it was taking them longer than usual to get to North Dakota. So as Kazuma drove dutifully north to NORTH Dakota, Akito looked out the window and obsessively thought of all the different ways he would injure the Jyuunishi AND Honda-Tohru-san!

" Drive faster, my minion!" Akito said suddenly to Kazuma who was driving at the speed limit like a good civilian. They were in the middle of nowhere, but Kazuma ABIDES BY THE LAW! YEAH! RIGHTEOUS!

" Akito, I am not your minion." Kazuma replied respectfully. " And I don't want a ticket."

" Don't give me your '_ticket_' nonsense!" Akito spat in disgust, not knowing what a ticket was. " I said faster! So drive faster!"

" Okay." Said Kazuma, and didn't do anything.

Akito stared at him suspicously. " Are we driving faster?" He asked.

" Sure." Kazuma lied.

" EX-cellent…" Akito cackled evilly like Mr. Burns and rubbed his hands together. After that he was quiet for awhile. There was really nothing to do in that crazy car anyway besides listen to Kazuma's current choice of music. And right now it was STEVE CONTE!

" STRAY! STRAY! IN THE COLD BREEZE, THAT I WALK ALONE, THE MEMORIES OF A GENERATION WITHIN ME! THEY'RE FOREVER, SINCE I CRIED THE PAIN OF SORROOOOOW-"

" Quit that!" Akito hissed.

" Okay!" Said Kazuma, and began to hum along to that crazy Steve Conte song.

A little bit of time went by, and suddenly Akito screamed, " STOP THE CAR!"

" Why? What's wrong?" Kazuma exclaimed, stopping the car and looking at Akito with a scared face.

" I'm hungry." Said Akito as if they had really needed to stop the car for him to say that.

" Well… there's some nice grass outside…" Kazuma said slowly, looking out the car window.

" No, you fool! Take me to somewhere where I may consume foodstuff!" Akito hissed.

" Alright. Where do you feel like eating? …………………..KYO always liked to eat at Long John Silvers!" Kazuma said cheerfully, and started to go into a flashback of him and Kyo having a hearty meal at Long John Silvers. A YO HO HO AND A BOTTLE OF RUM! ARGH, MATEY!

" No! I do not like those pisces styled food stops! I desire BEEF! And fried potatoes!" Akito said suddenly. " Take me to the holy golden arches!"

" Um… you mean Mcdonalds?" Kazuma said slowly.

" Yes. That's the place. Old Mickey…" Akito said with an evil look.

" Okay!" Kazuma said like he always does, and they drove and drove until they found a Mcdonalds! It was the kind people stop at when they're on road trips, so of course, it was filled with a bunch of happy exploding families on trips to Florida and stuff like that.

" Kazuma, carry me into the Mcdonalds. I am too weak to walk." Akito ordered, since he didn't feel like walking the extra five feet from the car to the Mcdonalds.

" Um… no. It's not like I'm in the JYUUNISHI or anything." Kazuma said, stepping out of the car.

" LEAVE MY PRESENCE! NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN, YOU BLASPHEMER!" Akito screeched. " I DON'T NEED THE LIKES OF YOU!" And with that, he sat there in the car taking very deep breaths.

It took Akito a few seconds to let his hunger get the best of him, and so then he finally creepily shuffled into the Mcdonalds, where Kazuma was in line in the front. Everyone was giving Akito and Kazuma weird looks because they were both wearing kimonos! And to the Americans, this looked like a dress! CRAZY!

" Oh, hey Akito. So, what do you want?" Kazuma asked Akito, who was standing next to him and giving everyone murder-filled glances.

" I don't know… what should I want?" Akito whispered dangerously in his lispy voice.

" How about a Happy Meal? …………………..KYO loved Happy Meals back in the day." Kazuma said, and he started to go into a flashback of Kyo and him at a Mcdonalds but Akito cut him short.

" I do not care! But I will take this 'Happy Meal.'" Akito said in a disgusted voice. " Because then I shall receive a new Neopets plushie to add to my collection."

" Um… okay…" Kazuma said uneasily. " Well, I'll just wait until I reach the Mcdonalds Employee, and then we'll order."

" Did some-body say MC-DONALDS?" Some random Mcdonalds worker sang suddenly just like in the old commericals and faced Kazuma with a really big, creepy smile.

" I did… actually…" Kazuma said, slightly scared.

" Oh, don't be frightened! We love to see you smile!" The worker dude said with an even creepier smile.

" Um… okay. I'd like to order-" Kazuma started to say.

" You're not smiling." The worker dude pointed out.

" Can't I just order?" Kazuma asked.

" Not until I see some sort of smile." The worker dude said creepily.

" Okay!" Said Kazuma with his really big, fake cheesy smile. " Well, I'll be having a Quarter Pounder and my young companion will be having a Happy Meal."

"Oh, I'm sure you'll be 'lovin' it!' And hello young companion!" The Mcdonalds guy said cheerfully to Akito. " Why, you aren't smiling!"

" I refuse to smile unless I feel like it." Akito hissed.

" Listen up, bud, at Mcdonalds, we're paid according to how many people we get to smile. SO YOU BETTER GIVE ME A GODDAMN SMILE OR ELSE!" The worker dude screamed suddenly.

Akito was frightened, so he grimaced painfully, but that was the closest to a smile he could manage. The crazy Mcdonalds guy accepted it anyway, and then finally took their order. Kazuma and Akito went to go sit down at a little table.

" Bring my ensemble of greasy food NOW!" Akito yelled at a random passing janitor who just sort of shrugged. Kazuma smile with a crazy little sweatdrop.

" Akito, we have to wait until they call our number." Kazuma told Akito.

" What? WHY?" Akito cried as if this were some sort of crime.

" Because there are people before us." Kazuma replied like it was obvious. And it WAS.

" What? People are in front of me! What number are we?!" Akito hissed dangerously, raising a salt shaker threateningly over Kazuma's head.

" Uh… thirty-two. And I think they're on number twenty-nine, so we'll probably only have to wait for a few more-"

" How dare I be number thirty-two?! I should be number ONE!" Akito declared, chucking the salt-shaker at a window. " I SHOULDN'T EVEN BE A NUMBER! I AM A GOD!"

" Oh-kay…" Kazuma said uneasily as he watched the salt-shaker hit the window and then just sort of thud onto the ground. " Well… I'm gonna go to the restroom now…"

" GO! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!" Akito screamed.

" Okay!" Said Kazuma like he always does and walked off contently to the men's room.

Akito paused. Now he didn't have anyone to rage at. He waited for awhile, until SUDDENLY, he heard the crazy Mcdonalds guy shout, " THIRTY-TWO! COME AN' GET IT!" Okay, so they probably never say that last part. But YOU don't know!

Akito shuffled mysteriously up to the counter and grabbed the Mcdonalds bag and then shuffled mysteriously back to the little Mcdonalds booth. Kazuma was there when he came back! OH, GEE-GOLLY, WHAT WONDERFUL TIMING! HOORAY! CAN THIS STORY GET ANY LAMER?

Yes. Yes it can.

" I love Big Macs! I wonder why they're not called Big MICK, though!" Kazuma chuckled outloud before he swallowed his Big Mac in one gulp. Ah, Kazuma, that question plagues us all…

" Silence, fool!" Akito snapped as he struggled to open that little plastic wrap that held his Neopet plushie. He struggled and struggled, but he was too weak for it.

" Uh…" Kazuma said, watching Akito snarl in rage as he tore at the bag in vain, " Do you want any help with that?"

" Here! Open this evil contraption, minion!" Akito yelled and flung the bag at Kazuma.

" Okay!" Said Kazuma like he always does and opened the little bag lickety split! Then he handed the plushie to Akito.

" Wha… A JUB-JUB! THEY DARE INSULT ME WITH A JUB-JUB?!!" Akito screeched as he waved a little fuzzball plushie around. " HOW DARE THEY?!"

" I'm sorry, but I couldn't help but overhear your conversation!" Said that crazy Mcdonalds guy from earlier. " And I ALSO couldn't help but hear your displeasure with the toy!"

" YOU GAVE ME A JUB-JUB! THE LOWEST OF THE LOW! OMAE… NO… SAE DAAAAAAAAA!" Akito screamed and flung a vase at that crazy Mcdonalds guy. That guy was knocked unconcious! Then Akito threw the Jub-Jub at him. I really don't think it made any difference but OH WELL!

" I'm so sickened by the Jub-Jub that I cannot eat this food. Let us leave this place." Akito muttered, shoving his food off the table for the janitor to clean up.

" Okay!" Said Kazuma because he didn't really want to be there anymore.

" WAIT!" Said a crazy voice from nowhere.

" Who said that?" Kazuma wondered.

" It is I! Do you hear me Akito?" Said the mystery voice.

Akito looked down to see that he had a glowing stone thingy on his neck! AWK! Where had it come from? Why was it there? Well, actually, he's had it on the whole time. I just don't describe the character's enough! Or I just thought of it right now. (shifty look) Yeah…

Anyway, there was a voice talking to Akito just like that crazy stone in the Legend of Zelda Wind Waker game! COOLIO!

" Hey! Whose talking to me?" Akito demanded.

" It is me, the one who sent you on your journey to ruin the vacation." Said the voice.

" BIRD?!" Akito yelled foolishly.

" …yes…" Said the bird. Because really, well… that's the only thing we can call him for sure! Because he IS a bird after all. " Yes, that name will do. You are doing well, Akito. You are on your way to North Dakota where I am waiting and this is good. You have also gained a brainless minion to serve you. This is also good."

" Hey! You can't talk about me like that!" Kazuma protested. And… you CAN'T talk about Kazuma like that, FOO'! CAUSE HE'S THE MAN!

" But you need more help if you want to reach North Dakota, which is why I have sent you more minions to aid you." The bird said, ignoring Kazuma and the narrator. " Use them well to your purpose, and meet me in Saint Louie!"

" I though it was North Dakota." Akito said slowly.

" Well… it is! But that's beside the point!" The bird snapped, and the stone quit glowing.

" Wait, bird! WAIT!" Akito yelled at the stone for no reason, then looked up to see Kazuma givng him a bug-eyed look.

" Very well! Where are my new minions?!" Akito demanded, pointing at him.

" I am NOT your minion." Kazuma said.

" You SO are." Akito argued.

" SURE…" Said Kazuma, in denial. " Whatever you say."

All of a sudden, there was a POOF! as if someone had turned into an animal. OH NO! AKITO'S TURNED INTO HIS JYUUNISHI FORM! THE SLUG!

…just kidding. Akito doesn't have a Jyuunishi form, and even if he did, it would be impossible, since there's only thirteen Jyuunishi. Instead, there was a poof and the minions that the bird had sent arrived! And let's meet them! MAYBE you already know them!

The first new minion was KIBA! From Wolf's Rain. If you don't know what Wolf's Rain is, it's a very pretty show about wolves that can make themselves look like humans using illusions. And Kiba is just ONE of those wolves.

" Where is it? Rakuen!" Kiba exclaimed WAY too obsessively, and began to sniff the air like Wolverine. " The flower maiden's SCENT!"

The other person was Brock! If you don't know who Brock is, I'll slap you. And just so you know, even though EVERYONE else in this story was speaking in their original japanese voices, Brock wasn't. That's right. It's BROCK, not TAKESHI. So get over it. Anyone who has a problem with Brock, answers to BROCK.

" Whoah! This is INCREDIBLE!" Brock said in his WAY too astounded voice. " I just TELEPORTED from nowhere!"

" Yes, minions! And now you will do my bidding!" Akito cackled insanely.

" Hi. I'm Brock." Said Brock, taking this to be a cue for the old introducing line. " And I'm a Pokemon Breeder!"

" NOBODY CARES!" The whole world hooted.

" And you? What is your name, sniffing one?!" Akito demanded.

" I'm… Kiba…" Kiba said slowly as if his name really needed that much time to be said. I mean, come on. It's four letters long. " I've got to find Rakuen. NOW." He then began to wander around the room obsessively muttering, " Cheza. Cheza. Cheza."

" No! We are not going to Rakuen, my new bishounen toy… We are going to North Dakota." Akito told Kiba dangerously, grabbing Kiba all creepy and fondle-like.

" But I ALWAYS look for Rakuen." Kiba said reluctantly.

" Well, THIS TIME LOOK FOR NORTH DAKOTA!" Akito screamed.

" Okay." Said Kiba because he's not too bright. Then he gave the whole Mcdonalds a really stupid, all-knowing look and said, " We're going to find it. North Dakota." Then he went back to muttering, " Cheza… Cheza…Cheza."

" Um… can you see?" Kazuma asked Brock.

" Yes! I see quite well!" Brock reassured him.

" Well, THAT'S good." Kazuma chuckled like Kureno.

" Are you ALSO a minion?" Brock said in that special Eric Stuart way.

" I am not a minion." Kazuma said for the umpteenth time.

" Fine! I don't need you anymore, Kazuma, now that I have these LOYAL minions! You're fired." Akito said JUST like Donald Trump. In his voice and everything. Then he began to march out the door. " Come, young-tanned man with pineapple hair and bishounen puppet."

" OKAY!" Said Brock and Kiba because their only purpose in this story was to help Akito.

" OH WELL!" Said Kazuma like the easygoing guy he was and sat down. He ordered a Mcflurry. He drank the Mcflurry. It was good. By the time he was done, Akito came back.

" Kazuma… come back to serve me. I need you." Akito said regretfully. " Those fools cannot drive."

Kazuma followed Akito outside. The Mcdonalds exploded. But don't worry. I'm sure there's a lot more in North Dakota. If not, who cares? Unless you live in North Dakota. If you do, I am sorry for blowing up your Mcdonalds! OH, GOMEN NASAI!

" Wolves don't drive. They run." Said Kiba. But really, of COURSE he couldn't drive! He's a WOLF! They can't drive.

" I've never SEEN something like this before!" Brock said in an astounded voice. Because there are no cars in that crazy world. " What does it DO?"

" See?" Akito said. " They cannot drive me. And I cannot drive either."

" I see! Well… I really do want to see ……………KYO, so I'll go ahead and drive again. Just don't try and fire me again!" Kazuma chuckled warmly. Then he hopped into the driver's seat. Kiba sat in the back with Akito, who was fondling him creepily. Kiba had his head out the window, though, panting like a dog, so he didn't care. Brock sat by Kazuma, and flipped through his guidebook.

" This place isn't mentioned ANYWHERE in the guidebook! We're LOST! We better find someone to help in the same boring pattern we do every week! THEN we can move on!" Brock said.

" Shut up." Said Akito.

" Okay." Said Brock.

Kiba suddenly turned around and gave them all the LOOK. " No matter what any of you say… we will find it. It does exist. North Dakota." He whispered.

" Um… okay. Well, we already knew it existed." Kazuma said.

Kiba gave him a dirty look, then ever so slowly went back to looking out the window as if he were offended.

And so, the four of them drove until it was night. Then, for no reason whatsoever they hopped out of the car and got into their sleeping bags and gathered around the campfire. Then Brock made dinner. HURRAH!

" It's near. North Dakota. Just a little bit more." Kiba said dramatically, looking ahead.

" Really, minion?" Akito said. " This is good."

" Um… actually, it's more than a hundred miles away. I have a map." Kazuma pointed out.

Kiba gave Kazuma another disgusted look and went back to staring ahead obsessively.

" Ah… Nothing beats a jelly-filled donut!" Brock exclaimed, holding what was obviously an onigiri riceball.

" How come there's no jelly in it?" Everyone asked after they took a bite from their own.

Brock froze, then shrugged moodily. Everyone decided to leave him alone.

" Tomorrow, we will return to the car and our journey will return anew! Let me use your body as a pillow to sleep on, minion." Akito snapped at Kiba.

" Okay." Said Kiba, since he was really a wolf and they don't mind about things like that. And so, Akito and Kiba went to SLEEP.

Since Kazuma and Brock couldn't sleep, Kazuma told Brock his long, dramatic story involving Kyo and his grandfather. Brock listened without even blinking! Because he can't! He has no eyes! HARDY-HAR-HAR!

Of course, it took Kazuma forever to tell the story, since he had to pause for like five minutes everytime he said Kyo's name, but Brock let him finish the story because Brock was so used to hearing long, stupid stories from random people.

" That's really SAD." Brock said at the end in a voice that was trying way too hard to sound distressed, so it just ended up sounding really FURIOUS at the pain Kazuma had suffered!

" Yeah…" Said Kazuma. " But talking about it has made me feel better."

" I'm glad you feel better." Said Brock.

Kazuma smiled at him. " I like you Brock."

" I like you too Kazuma." Said Brock with the same smile.

Then there was a creepily long pause.

Brock and Kazuma laughed together foolishly for no reason as the camera panned up to show the moon, and then it froze on the moon for a long time and then the chapter was over.

OMAKE!

The search does not go well in the jungle of Abakaloobie. For one thing, the jungle of Abakaloobie does not exist. Yeah… sucks for me. However, good news! Even though I didn't expect it, SOMEONE ACTUALLY WANTED TO ASK KAGURA A QUESTION! TWO someones in fact! Well, that's amazing! I mean… Kagura is so… THERE! Oh well! Let's ask questions!

Kitsune-chan: When was the first time you ever saw Kyo?

Kagura: It was a summer day…

Kyo: No it wasn't.

Kagura: Yes it was, Kyo-kun? Don't you remember?

Kyo: NO!

Kagura: WELL IT WAS A SUMMER DAY!

Kyo: NO IT WASN'T! I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU ALL! EVERYONE IS SO STUPID! (runs off like a fool)

Kagura: It was a summer day… hooray!

Naria: Is it true that you TOO ate Carl? And why hasn't Security Fred exploded?

Kagura: If Kyo-kun ate a purple wooper, I too would eat a purple wooper! I even set out to do so as soon as I got this letter! However, Hayley already had an X-ray on Kyo-kun done, so there was no point! A shame too! I just LOOOOOOVE WOOPER!

…

As for your other question, my amigo, well, Security Fred is (gasp!) important to the plot! He KEEPS THE PEACE! He SECURS things! Precious things! And it's easier than to make him explode and have a Security Fred reincarnate come. How Security Fred managed to be in Japan and North Dakota at the same time, however… that's a REAL mystery!

Why DON'T they call it Big Mick?

Anyhoo, that's all for today! We've run out of time! Okay… so not really. But I've run out of PAITENCE! Next time send questions to Momichi! As for me…

I'M OFF! TO THE VOLCANO OF SNOW AND ICE! Water and fire creates steam! The world can be saved… by the power of steam…

Ja!


	12. The Many Woes of Hatori

Note: Naria, I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! YOU ANSWERED THE GREATEST MYSTERY OF MY WHOLE LIFE! OH, GOD BLESS YOU, I CAN SLEEP AT NIGHT! MWHAHAHA!

Hee-hee… MACdonalds… hee… (dies)

Chapter 12

The Many Woes of Hatori

And so, Hatori drove back in the stolen car to the museum with Kureno, Kagura, Shigure, and Kyo in tow. And luckily, EVERYONE was waiting for him there! Even Ritsu! YAY! As soon as they all noticed Hatori drive up, they stepped away from the museum and it exploded.

" Tori-san! What took you so long?" Ayame said as if Hatori had left them alone and stranded for HOURS. Which he had.

" The Lone Chicken has returned!" Kureno said foolishly, stepping out of the car into a crowd of people and began to strut about haughtily.

" Kyo-kun! Kagura-san! Did you have fun?" Tohru asked them as they too exited the car.

" NO!" shouted Kyo.

" Yes!" said Kagura.

" It doesn't matter." Hatori replied to Ayame's question as he and Shigure got out of the car. He was relieved. Now he had EVERYONE where he could see them and didn't have to worry about them getting into anymore trouble. " Now that we're all together, we can go to lunch."

" But we already ate at the Golden Corral!" Shigure, Kyo, Kagura and Kureno whined.

" Listen." Hatori said sternly. " You four are not the only people in the world. What about everyone else?"

" Actually, we've already eaten too!" Ayame laughed like Kureno. " We went out to a resturaunt while you were gone!" Ayame decided he wouldn't tell Hatori about the whole Gap and movie thing yet.

" So, everyone has eaten!" Tohru observed happily.

Actually, everyone HAD eaten… everyone except for… HATORI! He was the ONLY one who hadn't eaten! ARGH! CRUEL FATE! Hatori really wanted to point this fact out, but then everyone would have been all, " GEE, HATORI, HOW COME YOU CAN'T BE LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE?!" So, Hatori ignored the severe hunger pains he had, and sighed mentally.

" Okay." Said Hatori. " Well, since everyone's eaten, we might as well just go back to the hotel for the night."

" But we haven't even GONE anywhere!" Momiji whined like the unsatisfied child he was.

" Momiji, you got to go a lot of places." Yuki pointed out.

" But I didn't get any POSTCARDS from any of them!" Momiji replied.

" Why do you need postcards?!" Kyo demanded as if postcards offended him.

" I'm going to collect them! I want to get ALL the different postcards in North Dakota! That's my DREAM!" Momiji said suddenly with stars flying in the background.

" What a WONDERFUL dream!" Tohru exclaimed.

_It's a stupid dream, _everyone else thought.

" Momiji, we can go find postcards tomorrow. But right now, I'm really tired. And I think all the other adults are too. Right?" Hatori asked the other adults meaningfully.

" I'm not tired! I want to go live it up!" Ayame bellowed.

" Me too! I want to party-hardy!" Shigure added.

" The Lone Chicken NEVER tires!" Kureno declared boastfully.

" Well… I'M tired." Hatori sighed.

" Oh yeah, make it ALL about you, Hatori." Shigure said sarcastically, rolling his eyes.

Hatori was just about to REALLY kill Shigure this time, when he noticed almost all of the assorted teenagers and Ayame were carrying plastic bags with the GAP written on them.

" When did you guys go to the Gap?" Hatori asked.

" We NEVER went to the Gap!" Ayame lied.

" Ayame, you're all holding bags with the Gap written on them." Hatori said pointedly.

" Your POINT?" Ayame replied angrily.

" Ooh! Whadja get, whadja get?" Shigure said, hopping from person to person to look inside their bags. He stopped when he got to Haru, who had the dog leash inside his bag.

" What is THAT supposed to mean?" Shigure said with an uneasy look at Haru.

" I've been looking for one for a long time." Haru answered, mistaking Shigure's look for one of ADMIRATION at his lovely golden chain! " I finally found one that will fit just right."

Shigure continued to stare at the leash/chain obsessively, as if he were expecting it to hook itself around his neck.

" You can wear it if you HAVE to." Haru sighed.

" No… that's okay…" Shigure said slowly. He had never KNOWN Haru was into that kinky, bondage kind of thing! He didn't know whether to be flattered or afraid! OR BOTH!

Haru gave Shigure a weird look. Since WHEN did Shigure like CHAINS? Chains were HARU'S thing! Not Shigure's! HARU'S!

" How did you get the money to buy those?" Hatori asked.

" I love you, Tori-san!" Ayame said randomly.

" Me too!" Said Tohru. " I'm so grateful for your generosity!"

Hatori looked over to Tohru slowly, then back to Ayame, who was trying to secretly drop Hatori's credit card onto the ground. When Ayame saw that HATORI saw him trying to do this, he just threw the credit card in a random direction as hard as he could and then began to whistle innocently.

Hatori walked slowly over to the credit card and picked it up. Then he looked at Ayame.

" Ayame…" He said. " Why do you have my credit card?"

" But I DON'T." Ayame said.

" Where did you get my credit card?" Hatori continued in a voice that was becoming more and more dangerous.

" Save me, beloved little brother!" Ayame yelped, running behind Yuki as if Yuki were some sort of martial artist. Oh wait… he IS a martial artist! I can't believe I forgot that! WOW!

" NO WAY!" Yuki said. " I TOLD you it was a bad idea, but none of you would listen to me."

" So… there was spending involved? Spending of MY credit card?" Hatori asked with a dark aura surrounding him.

" Spending? SPENDING? PSSH! Of course not!" Ayame chuckled nervously. " What a ridiculous idea!"

" Was there spending?" Hatori asked all of the children.

" Yes." Said all of the children.

" How much?" Hatori asked Ayame, who had sneaked over to hide with Shigure.

" Not enough to be concerned over. In fact, there's no reason for you to even KNOW, it makes that much of an UN-difference!" Ayame laughed, looking around so he could map out the nearest routes of escape.

" Is Hatori gonna kill Ayame?" Momiji asked curiously.

" YESSSSS!" Kyo and Yuki hissed with their fists clenched.

" Well, let's just hope it wasn't that much! You can't afford to lose any money after you went and got that ticket and everything!" Shigure laughed.

Oh, I'm sure you cannot imagine how much Hatori wanted to kill Shigure at that point.

" What? Hatori got a TICKET?" Rin gasped because she hasn't done anything in awhile. Everyone's respect for Hatori dropped a little bit. I mean, HATORI? Get a ticket? MY WORD!

Hatori was confused. How had Ayame gotten his credit card? Hatori was always VERY careful with it. It would have had to be in some place that Hatori had forgotten about and didn't have access to. But WHERE?

… I still can't believe I forgot Yuki knew the martial arts! I mean, I've seen the anime and read the manga WAY too much, and yet… I FORGOT! I'm afraid I must obsess over it relentlessly now! And punish myself! BAD DOBBY! VERY BAD DOBBY!

Hatori looked around. " Where's an ATM machine?" Little did he know… that he had just said a redundant sentence! See, ATM stands for Automatic Teller (or something like that) Machine! So really, Hatori had just said ' Automatic Teller Machine Machine.' And he's lost a lot of money! And he hasn't eaten anything! And he was wearing SHORTS! WILL THE HILARITY NEVER CEASE?

" There isn't one." Haru said because he was the sort of guy that looked around for that stuff.

" YES!" Ayame cheered and started to do the kirby victory dance.

" Did anyone ask for a Buddy Barn ATM machine-" That Buddy Barn Guy started to ask from nowhere.

" NO! GO AWAY, YOU FOOL!" Ayame yelled, and began to strangle him. That Buddy Barn Guy, of course, easily slipped free, because for ONE thing Ayame isn't so strong. And for ANOTHER thing, he's That Buddy Barn Guy! Do you really thing you can just STRANGLE That Buddy Barn Guy?!

" Well, EXCUSE ME! First we have the whiner in the shorts and now we have the strangler in the dress! I'm starting to not feel very appreciated!" That Buddy Barn Guy said in a very offended voice.

" Give me the ATM machine. Now." Hatori said.

" ALL-right, Mr. Redundant!" That Buddy Barn Guy said. He then grudgingly removed an ATM from nowhere and allowed Hatori to use it. Everyone watched fearfully as Hatori slid his credit card into the machine and then pressed a few buttons.

There was some beeping. Then it was very, very quiet.

" Uh… I think I sense that it's about to get ugly. See ya." That Buddy Barn Guy said uneasily, and whipped out his magical orcarina and teleported off to wherever it is Buddy Barn Guy's go.

" Ayame?" Hatori asked quietly, turning around with a very demented look. " Where did you get my credit card?"

" ACTUALLY, it was Shigure AND me." Ayame said quickly.

" Don't drag me into his bloodlust!" Shigure cried.

" Where?" Hatori said again in a crazy paitent voice.

" …in your pants." Both of them admitted.

" Where are my pants?" Hatori said in the most dignified manner possible.

"…hidden in the hotel freezer." Both of them said, and everyone noticeably tried not to laugh.

At that point, Hatori would have really killed the two of them. I'm NOT kidding. Unfortunately, his anger had reached the ' MAX anger' point that was even higher than KYO'S 'max anger.' And what happened because of this? Unfortunately, he turned into a seahorse!

So now everyone was staring at a REALLY pissed off seahorse twitching about in an empty pair of shorts, and instead of yelling, the seahorse was going, " Meep, meep, MEEP!" Because that is the sound an angry seahorse makes.

Of course, no one heard him say that because everyone was rolling around laughing hysterically over the fact that he was the SEAHORSE! A poor, hungry, SHORT-dwelling seahorse!

" Oh MAN!" Shigure sighed, wiping a tear from his eye. " Hatori turning into a seahorse get's me EVERY time!"

" It's a good thing seahorses can't hurt people! Why, they can't even move!" Ayame chuckled foolishly, standing up from all the rolling around on the floor laughing he had been doing.

" Shut up, you bastards." The little seahorse Hatori said, and everyone laughed because… well, it was a DEEP voice coming from a TINY seahorse! And it was cussing! A cussing seahorse! " Somebody pick me up before I get stepped on. But not Ayame or Shigure."

" WHAT? Why NOT?" Shigure exclaimed like he was offended. Just so he could NOT obey Hatori and show him JUST how much he liked to ridicule him, Shigure picked up the seahorse. Which was good, because Kureno had just been about to engage in secret mission ' Stomp A Member of the Mabudachi Trio' which involved him stomping on Hatori.

Ayame picked up Hatori's clothes. Everyone else didn't do anything but watch them like they HAD been doing. Why? Because I can't make EVERYONE do something ALL the time! Don't you know that? Just get over it.

" We need to get back to the hotel before I transform back." The Hatori Seahorse told Shigure.

" Okay! I'll drive!" Shigure said.

" NO!" The seahorse said.

" Then, I will drive!" Ayame laughed good-naturedly.

" But…" Now Hatori was torn! The choice was between Shigure, who could drive pretty well, but couldn't distinguish colors, and Ayame who couldn't drive at all, but COULD distinguish colors. And Hatori himself couldn't drive because he was a SEAHORSE! NOOOOO!

Kureno was just about to offer to drive, when suddenly, out of nowhere, Late George came running up. Late George stopped in front of all the crazy people and looked at them. He was amazed at how beautiful everyone was! And then he saw the seahorse and he smiled because seahorses make people smile. And then Late George saw something that made his day.

" MY CAR!" Late George cried and ran up to the car and hugged it. " I thought I would NEVER find it! THANK YOU!" It didn't occur to Late George that for the people to HAVE his car they would have had to have STOLEN it, but… oh well! That's Late George for you. Hardy-har-har.

And with that Late George jumped into his car and sped away as fast as he could. He had to hurry because he was late for his explosion! It's about time.

" Darn! There goes my hot set of wheels." Shigure sighed.

" Shigure, you said you were borrowing that car." Hatori said sternly.

" Quiet, seahorse! Or I'll place you in a shoe and shake you around." Shigure told Hatori.

Hatori didn't really think Shigure would actually do this, but the mental images he had scared him so he decided to just be quiet for awhile.

" And the van is gone too! I sold it to some young fellow and an old man named Obi Wan! I guess we'll just have to WALK home!" Kureno chuckled foolishly.

" AWWWW…" Everyone groaned.

" He's right. We don't have any other choice." Hatori observed from Shigure's arms.

" Fine! If you could turn into a REAL dragon instead of some stupid fish, we wouldn't be in this situation!" Shigure told Hatori resentfully.

"…What?" The seahorse-Hatori blinked.

" Don't act all innocent with me." Shigure snorted in disgust.

Hatori couldn't think of anything else to say because… Shigure was making NO sense! He supposed that maybe if he could turn into a REAL dragon, he would be able to fly all of them back to the hotel, but it wasn't like he could just do that in broad daylight… or could he? What if Hatori COULD turn into a dragon? Would he be able to breathe fire? Or fly? Or would he just be a big, stupid lizard like a Komodo Dragon? Why doesn't Hatori turn into a Komodo Dragon? THAT MAKES MORE SENSE!

In fact, I imagine little Hatori spent many sleepless nights, thinking, ' Why, oh WHY God, couldn't you have made me a Komodo Dragon? WHY?' And God would never answer. And Santa would never REALLY come. And the tooth fairy is cheap.

…

Yuki IS a martial artist.

…

Anyway… Everyone began their resentful trudge to the hotel. I don't really know how far away it is, but when I'm ready for it to be there, it'll be there, so no worries. Everyone had split into little walking groups. The Mabudachi Trio was walking together, Kureno was walking alone, all the teenagers were in one big teenager mass, and Rin wassort of staying to the side of them. Yes, Ritsu is there. But I won't tell you WHERE he is. HA!

" I wish I could have gone to the Golden Corral instead of The Amazon Café." Haru said wistfully to the group.

" WHAT? The Amazon Café is the best Café EVER!" Momiji exclaimed as if it were some sort of crime to not like the Amazon Café. " It has PLANTS in it!"

" But I really love the Golden Corral. I love it even more than I love these chains." Haru replied.

Everyone took a second to respect the fact that there was something Haru loved even more than those crazy chains.

" But the food sucks! Why would you like it?!" Kyo demanded, since he would have rather been at the Amazon Café then at Golden Corral with Kureno any old day.

" Um, excuse me, I'm the OX." Haru said, rolling his eyes. " I BELONG in the Golden Corral."

" That's not true. Just because you're an ox doesn't mean you have to like someplace just because it has the word 'corral' in it." Kyo said with a mildly disturbed expression.

" Oh yeah? Rin, don't you like the Golden Corral?" Haru asked Rin.

" I LOVE it!" Rin exclaimed, but we don't really know if that's true or not. She could be LYING! Oh, that mysterious Rin!

" And Hiro loves it too." Haru said, even though he had just decided that for himself without consulting Hiro.

" Is that right? Then I'll have to take the three of you there sometime!" Tohru said ditzily.

" NO YOU DON'T!" Kyo screamed.

" You're just mad because she didn't offer to take you to Long John Silvers, Kyo." Haru stated.

" What? WHY WOULD I WANT TO GO THERE?!" Kyo yelled.

" We all know you love it." Haru said.

Now, even though it was true, Kyo just couldn't get ENOUGH of Long John Silvers, it wasn't like he was going to admit he liked something to other people. So even though it probably hurt him deeply to forsake the delicious house of fish, he screamed, " NO I DON'T! QUIT MAKING UP ALL THIS FAKE STUFF ABOUT ME, YOU STUPID BRAT!"

" That's sort of a stupid idea, though, isn't it? That would be like saying Yuki is obsessed with cheese just because he's the rat!" Kagura pointed out.

" Now, that's just STUPID." Haru agreed.

" Like ANYBODY would ever have something as weird as a CHEESE obsession." Momiji chuckled like Kureno.

Everyone laughed, including Yuki. But he was crying on the inside.

Actually, everyone's favorite resturaunt DID have something to do with their Zodiac Form except for Hatori. He liked Bennigans. Why? …Nobody knows.

" Shigure…" Said Hatori the seahorse, " What if I turn back into a human while you're holding me?"

" I'll be holding a naked Hatori." Shigure said a little bit TOO happily.

" Exactly. I think we should find someplace for me to stay until I transform back so I don't do it in the middle of the sidewalk in front of everyone." Hatori said.

" What? But that's what we've been looking forward to all this time!" Shigure and Ayame protested.

" That's it. Put me in that phonebooth." Hatori said with a seahorse glare at some random phone booth. Actually, it wasn't just ANY phone booth. It's the phone booth that SUPER Grover uses! But Super Grover is probably dead by now so… never mind.

" FINE. Everyone, we have to stop and wait until Hatori turns back into a human inside this telephone booth." Shigure sighed like it was the end of the world.

" AWWWW…" Everyone groaned again.

" Sorry." Said Hatori but he didn't really feel sorry.

And with that, Shigure unceremoniously chucked the tiny seahorse into the phone booth and Ayame threw Hatori's clothes on top of the seahorse. Actually, he just threw Hatori's shorts and shoes and socks. He kept Hatori's shirt just so Hatori would have to walk out shirtless in shorts to get the shirt. Oh, those FIENDS!

And so, the wait began. At first everyone tried to be a good sport, but Hatori was taking WAY too long to turn back into a human. Hatori himself was surprised, because it never took him THIS long to transform back. This was just turning into the worst day EVER.

" Can you HURRY IT UP?!" Kyo yelled at the phone booth. " I'm tired of standing around!"

" Shut up Kyo. I'm doing the best I can." Called the seahorse in it's deep voice from the phone booth.

" No, you're NOT." Kyo decided.

" Yes, I AM." Hatori replied.

" No, you're really not." Kureno said. " You're not even singing the transform back song."

" The transform back song?" Everyone echoed.

" You KNOW! The Transform BACK song! The one you sing when you want to transform back! Remember? ' Please, please, transform back! Please, please, sometime today! Make me human straight AH-WAY! Please, please, transform back!'" Kureno finished proudly. " You ALL know that one."

" I've never heard that song in my entire life." Said everyone but Tohru. Because she doesn't transform! DUH!

" I never sing when I want to transform back. I just sort of think… ' Man, this sucks. I wish I would transform back.'" Haru said sagely.

Everyone nodded.

" WELL!" Kureno said in a very offended manner. " I ALWAYS sing that song, and as soon as I'm done, I always transform BACK!" This was sort of true. But only because Kureno sang the song until he DID transform back.

" Maybe you should try it Hatori!" Kagura said since… since she never does anything! ARGH!

" Never." Said Hatori.

" You never know until you try, my mother always said." Tohru observed.

" That may very well be true, Honda-kun, but this is something I know will definitely not work." Hatori replied respectfully from inside the phone booth. After that everyone decided to be quiet. But everyone was secretly humming that crazy song in their heads! Even Hatori was humming it in his tiny seahorse cranium, hoping, WISHING that it could turn him into a human being!

" EX-CUUUSE, me." Said some guy with a polka dot tie that had come walking up to the phone booth, making a hand motion for Shigure to move (he was standing in front of the phone booth) " But I need to use the Phone Booth." His name will be Polka Dot Stan.

" Someones using it." Shigure replied without thinking.

Polka Dot Stan looked into the little Phone Booth Window, and saw that there was NOBODY in there. He then gave Shigure a strange look. " That's not true."

_ARGH! I forgot that Hatori was a SEAHORSE! _Shigure thought and slapped his forehead. Then he smiled cheesily at Polka Dot Stan. " Well, there's no one in there YET. We're all trying to decide who gets to use it first!"

Polka Dot Stan looked at all the people who needed to use the phone booth. And he frowned. Because when Polka Dot Stan wants to use the phone booth, he USES the phone booth. He doesn't wait on a bunch of stupid people!

" Well, while you're trying to decide, can I use it real quick?" Polka Dot Stan asked.

" NO!" Yelled everyone.

" We were here first!" Ayame declared.

" But you guys are gonna take forever!" Polka Dot Stan whined.

" Okay, listen up fella. If you can beat us ALL in Rock, Paper, Scissors, you can go ahead. But if you DON'T, you have to wait until we're done." Kureno said. This was his special weapon, because Kureno was a MASTER of Rock, Paper, Scissors!

" Alright… I accept your challenge…" Polka Dot Stan replied, taking off his tie and tying it around his head like a ninja bandana. " Let's do it."

And so began the Jen Ken Pon tournament! Even though it was quite impossible that Polka Dot Stan would win against TEN people… he did! WOW! And then he had to go up against Kureno. CLASH OF THE TITANS!

" I won't hold back!" Polka Dot Stan warned Kureno with fire raging in the background.

" Good. Because I won't either!" Kureno yelled in a Kira kind of voice.

" Jen… Ken… PON!" Both of them screamed dramatically as everyone gasped in the background. A big cloud of dust came from nowhere and we had to wait for it to clear to see the result.

NO! Polka Dot Stan had his hands in a scissor motion and Kureno had his in a FLAT position! NOOOOO! WHY, KURENO, WHY?!

" I won!" Polka Dot Stan hooted.

" Not so FAST…" Kureno laughed. " I just played a FLAT rock on you. See? My finger tips aren't even." Everyone looked to Kureno's fingertips to see that, GASP!, they WEREN'T even! They were slightly UN-even! He'd pulled the ol' flat rock trick on Stan!

" ARGH!" Polka Dot Stan screamed, falling to his knees. Then he untied his polka dot tie from his head, put it back on and said, " Oh well! I'll just use my cell phone." Then he walked away and exploded.

Hatori turned back into a MAN because he was only a seahorse so I could have that scene. He put on his shorts and shoes quickly then stepped outside with the sun shining on his manly bare chest. And he had glittery sparklies around it too! Simply because Hatori's chest just DESERVES to have glittery sparkles around it.

" Where's my shirt?" Hatori asked as he stepped out. Some of the weaker people had to shield their eyes, like Tohru and Momiji, because Hatori in shorts without a shirt was a little too much for them to handle.

" In my excitement, I handed the shirt to Kagura!" Ayame exclaimed.

" In my excitement, I ripped the shirt in half!" Kaguta exclaimed.

Hatori began to shake again, but he didn't want to turn into a seahorse once more, so this time he counted to TWENTY then was able to talk again. " So… I have to walk back to the hotel with no shirt?"

" Yes. Yes you do." Said some random person besides Hatori.

" It's FINE." Ayame said waving one hand around foolishly. " You're just half-naked."

" Yeah. It's almost like being COMPLETELY naked! You might as well be completely naked." Shigure added.

" No, I might as well NOT." Hatori replied. " This is shameful."

" No it's not. You never see the Hulk being ashamed." Ayame replied as if that made sense.

" The HULK?" Hatori asked with one eyebrow raised.

" All he's wearing are his little tight purple shorts, and he NEVER shows any shame!" Ayame nodded. All of the other people except for Hatori and Ayame didn't know who the Hulk was, but I'm sure most of them thought the Hulk was a bear. Like Jason. DA-HUCK!

" I think that the fact that the Hulk is too busy smashing buildings and fighting off lasers overides him feeling any shame over his shorts." Hatori sighed. Why does Hatori know that The Hulk isn't a bear? Because when he and Ayame were little, they ALWAYS watched The Incredible Hulk cartoon together! YAY!

" How come I didn't watch The Incredible Hulk Cartoon?" Shigure whined.

Um… because it was beneath you, Shigure. Or maybe above you. In any case, Hatori didn't feel like discussing the Hulk anymore, and decided he should just be grateful he didn't have an unsightly hairy chest and just a shiny one, so they continued on their journey to the hotel.

And so… they arrived at the hotel. And guess what? Yuki still was a martial arts expert when they arrived! HE WAS!

" Why did we have to come back here? It's so CRAZY." Kureno sighed as they walked into the Crazy Gringo Hotel.

Hatori said nothing and walked forward with a steely glaze in his eye. They were there for a purpose. And the purpose was his PANTS. He was going to find them, and when he had found them, he was going to put them ON. And what he would do after that is something we won't go into, but I bet he'll dance in them or something like that.

" I hate this hotel. Weren't we going to stay in another hotel?" Haru sighed.

" No. We're stuck in this one." Momiji answered happily.

" I think I'm going to sit out here instead of spending the night in the hotel." Haru decided right then and there and sat down outside of the building just like that. He then pulled a little umbrella out of nowhere and put it into the ground so he had a little shelter from the weather.

Hatori stopped walking and turned around very slowly to look at Haru. " Haru, you can't just stay out here all night. Especially like that."

" I can. And I AM." Haru replied obviously.

All of the other teenagers looked at Haru and thought about how COOL he was for just sitting there and sleeping outside of the hotel and being all brave and cool. Just kidding. Everyone thought how incredibly stupid Haru was.

" But… won't you get COLD? And LONELY?" Tohru asked worriedly.

" Not if Rin stays with me." Haru said thoughtfully.

" Well, I WON'T." Rin scoffed, and followed everyone who was already walking into the building and leaving him there. Hatori sighed. He was too tired to argue with Haru that day.

" Maybe Yuki will stay with me." Haru said hopefully with a very pathetic look at Yuki who pretended not to see him and walked away. Tohru followed him and decided later she would make him some ONIGIRI and BRING it to him! But not now. Later.

" Hey, Kyo…" Haru tried one last time, since Kyo was the only person standing there.

" No way. Even Kureno is better than you." Kyo said in disgust and marched off.

" Oh well." Said Haru. " At least I have my little umbrella." And so he stayed like that the whole night outside of the Crazy Gringo Hotel. Well… maybe. We're just THINKING that he might. Who KNOWS what will happen in the future? ONLY THAT OLD DUDE FROM THAT SHOW!

" Now, where's the freezer that has my pants?" Hatori asked Ayame and Shigure who were starting to wander off with innocent looks.

" Oh, yeah, you want those, don't you?" Ayame laughed.

" And a shirt." Hatori added.

" So, basically, you want clothes." Shigure said.

" No…" Hatori replied after thinking for a few seconds. " I want my pants."

" Well, then follow me! And anyone else who wants to get ice cream or something, ALSO follow me!" Ayame added as he began to march off to the freezer. Everyone who wanted ice cream or a pair of pants followed him. And guess what? EVERYONE wanted some ice cream. Except for Hatori. He wanted pants.

" Oh my!" Ayame blinked as he swung open the Crazy Gringo Refrigerator. " I don't see any pants ANYWHERE!"

" What? Let me see." Hatori said, shoving Ayame out of the way and looked inside. There was some frozen dinners and some Dreamsicles, but NO pair of pants.

" THE NERVE! Who would dare steal a pair of pants from this freezer?!" Ayame stated as if he were offended.

" Ayame just… shut up." Hatori sighed. " I bet you guys just stole them again."

" No we didn't!" Ayame and Shigure chorused.

" Listen, I can't possibly get any angrier than I am right now, so just go ahead and tell me." Hatori continued, as everyone else started to grab Dreamsicles out of the freezer.

" Hatori, you must believe me in what I am saying right now and that is while we put your pants INTO the freezer, we never took them OUT of the freezer." Shigure replied haughtily.

" We wanted them to be stiff like a board!" Ayame added cheerfully.

Hatori was just about to let those two HAVE it, because they were acting like they WANTED it, when suddenly that Crazy Gringo peered over his front desk and gave them all the evil eye.

" HEY, CRAZY GRINGO!" Everyone shouted at him.

" Whaddya want?" That Crazy Gringo replied moodily.

" Have you seen anyone take any pants out of that freezer?" Hatori asked him.

" What? If anybody takes any pants out of THAT freezer, I would have known." That Crazy Gringo snorted gringoishly.

" So… did anybody?" Hatori asked.

" Yeah. I did." Said That Crazy Gringo calmly.

Hatori stared at that Crazy Gringo in silence and then said, " You took my pants? Why would you do that?"

" Anything put in Crazy Gringo's freezer belongs to CRAZY GRINGO." That Crazy Gringo said sternly. " Ice cream, frozen dinners, cats, and pairs of pants, they all belong to me."

" But they were MY pants." Hatori reasoned.

" Doesn't matter. They were in MY freezer, so they belong to me." That Crazy Gringo replied stubbornly. " And besides, if you put them in a FREEZER, which no sane person would do, I just assumed that you were giving them to me as a present."

" Well… sorry, but I wasn't." Hatori said without feeling very sorry. " So… can I have them back?"

" No, you may not." That Crazy Gringo decided.

Hatori looked away for a second and gritted his teeth and took a few very fast breaths through them while his face went beet red. Ah, Hatori. It's come to this.

" You don't understand…" Hatori said in a crazed voice. " Those are my pants. What use would you have for them? You couldn't even wear them."

" Yes I could." That Crazy Gringo replied stubbornly.

" No, you couldn't." Hatori replied.

" Yes, I COULD. In fact, I'm wearing them right now." That Crazy Gringo argued, and shuffled out from behind the front desk to reveal that he was indeed wearing Hatori's lovely pair of brown pants. Of course, they were WAY too tall for him because he's like… what, four feet tall? So, the pants went up way past his hips and went down way over his shoes so you couldn't see his feet and it looked like he was some sort of strange octopus.

Hatori stared at That Crazy Gringo. " You're wearing my pants."

" Oi, oi! Yeah, yeah!" That Crazy Gringo laughed and started to do a crazy little shuffle slide dance in Hatori's pants. Hatori turned his head away from this madness and walked off slowly in his shorts without a shirt on. He was never getting those pants back after where they had been.

And now, the chapter must end because that is the last woe of Hatori and this chapter is called the Many Woes of Hatori and while they have been many, this was the last one.

… At least for this chapter.

YUKI IS A MARTIAL ARTIST!

OMAKE!

Wow… um, for awhile I didn't update. OH WELL! Sucks for you! Kinda sucks for me too. But anyway, the question and answer will be rushed today because I want to get this chapter up quickly for everyone. So hurry!

ULTRA CONDENSED QUESTIONS FOR MOMIJI

P: Y do u like candy?/

M: cuz it's yummy

P: Y do u cum from GERMANY?

M: cuz I'm German

P: Why do u make a monkee face instead of a bunny face?

M: cuz I'm a monkee-wannabe

Hayley: Blah blah blah EXCLAMATION blah blah Carl blah blah chuckled foolishly blah

M: happy happy happy ne ne ne ne

Hayley: CAPS LOCK CAPS LOCK CAPS LOCK EXCLAMATION

M: Something, something, ne?

Hayley: GLOMP

M-B: I am a rabbit. It is cute.

Hayley: BLAH BLAH SEND QUESTIONS FOR HATORI THE PANT-LESS SEAHORSE BLAH BLAH

M-B: Witty comment

(insert Ja! Here)


	13. Congratulations!

Note: Hey Lawrence! Hey Lawerence! HEY! (okay, sorry, bad Skies of Arcadia inside joke.) Anyway, I just wanted to tell everyone if you like Fruits Basket, you should try some manga called Hana-kimi. It's like Fruits Basket only… DIFFERENT! But it's still good. ANYWAY, I'm off! HEY LAWRENCE!

Chapter 13

Congratulations!

Okay, continuing from where we left off! Don't remember where we left off? We left off with everyone inside the hotel except for Haru, who was OUTSIDE the hotel, and Hatori still without shorts. But, actually, we'll continue a little AFTER we left off. Now Hatori had a shirt on. And everyone but Haru was gathered in the little hotel lounge.

" Okay." Said Hatori, wearing a t-shirt that said something like ' I Want to Become Happy With You' or ' Protect Me From What I Want' or something else girly like that. Except the letters were in english, so no one knew how stupid it looked. They just thought it was cool because it was in english! HA-HA!

" We're changing groups as far as rooms go. I can't face spending the night with Ayame and Shigure after what just happened." Hatori decided.

" WHAT? WE ARE OFFENDED!" Ayame and Shigure huffed, but they were kind of glad. Hatori had been scaring them, what with his red face and hoot breaths earlier.

" Oh well! We'll just sleep with Tohru instead!" Shigure chuckled like Kureno.

" Eh? EHHH?" Tohru said like she always does.

" NO YOU WON'T!" Kyo and Yuki screamed like they always do.

" Ignoring that…" Hatori interrupted like HE always does-MY GOD! CAN'T THEY DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT?! Just once, I want a scene of Fruits Basket to be like this:

Momiji/Ayame/Shigure/Haru: I'll do (something ambigously pervy) with Tohru.

Tohru: YAY!

Yuki and Kyo: (big cheesy Kenji smile) Why, go ahead! Have fun!

Actually, never mind. That would just be not funny. Anyway, continuing!

" Ignoring that…" Hatori interrupted (THANKFULLY!) like he always does, " We'll all just switch around except for the girls. They can stay the way they are."

" But I wanna sleep with Kyo!" Kagura whined.

" Too bad." Said Hatori.

" YOU SUCK, HATORI!" Kagura screamed and socked him a good one in the jaw. Hatori blinked, then massaged his smarting jaw. Normally, he wouldn't have let it bother him because he's a big, tough strong man, but poor Hatori had taken just as much as he could that he wanted to cry! AWWW! But all he did was give the whole world a hurt look.

And you can't imagine how sad and cuddly a hurt Hatori looks.

" WE'RE SORRY HATORI!" Everyone yelled.

" Especially for the last chapter!" Shigure added.

" Can we please… just get through this without any more arguments?" Hatori asked, ignoring their apologies. Don't worry guys, he doesn't need your pity. He's a man. He can TAKE it.

" Okay!" Everyone said. But you don't actually believe them, do you? If you do, you need your head examined.

" Alright… Shigure and Ayame split up. You cause too much trouble together." Hatori said.

" No we don't!" Shigure protested.

" We're the ones who make everyone chuckle warmly when we go off on our crazy hijinks together!" Ayame retorted.

" And… I don't know what's going to happen to Haru, but I guess Momiji, you'll just have to go with Kureno, okay?" Hatori said, since he had a bad feeling about putting Kureno with anyone else.

" WHAT? THE RABBIT?! I want to be with my flunky!" Kureno argued.

" I AM NOT YOUR FLUNKY!" Kyo screamed for the umpteenth time.

" And I want to be with Kyo!" Kagura said again even though they'd already established this could not be so.

" What's wrong with the rabbit?!" Momiji cried.

" I want to be with Yuki! We'll deepen our bond as brothers!" Ayame exclaimed with sparklies in the background.

" NO! It's deep enough." Yuki said.

" It's never too deep! Come on! Let's get diggin'!" Ayame said enthusiastically with a giant shovel that appeared from nowhere and a little construction hat.

" I don't want to be with these girls. They're too GIRLY." Rin said.

" I want to be with Haru! I'm ALWAYS with Haru for some random reason!" Momiji whined.

" I'm happy with EVERYONE!" Tohru beamed.

" I'm NOT!" Kureno bellowed.

EVERYONE SHUT UP!

My God… this could take all day! Okay, I'm just going to pair you all up whether you like or NOT! So THERE!

Okay…

Group 1!

In the Girl's Room will be…

The Girls!

" But I said I didn't want to be with them!" Rin whined.

" Maybe WE don't want to be with YOU, Rin." Kagura snapped in a mildly offended voice.

" I do!" Said Tohru.

Group 2

In the room with two beds but no televisions there will be…

Hatori and Haru!

" But Haru isn't here." Hatori stated. Then he realized… But Haru wasn't THERE…meaning Hatori got his very own room without any stupid people bothering him! YAHOO! Things are definitely looking up in the world of Hatori!

Group 3

In the room with two televisions and TWO beds is…

Shigure, Momiji, and Ritsu!

" What? Ritsu is HERE?" Shigure said as if it were the most surprising thing in the world.

" I thought he was gone!" Momiji exclaimed.

" I AM HERE! I AM STILL MISERABLY EXISTING IN AN OFFENSIVE WAY! OH, GOMENASAI!" Ritsu yelled like the neglected monkey he is.

Group 4

In the room without a bed but WITH a television is…

Kyo and Kureno!

" WHAT?!" Kyo yelled.

" Hooray! I've got my flunky!" Kureno hooted.

" DO YOU HATE ME OR SOMETHING?!" Kyo screamed.

No… you're just the CAT!

Group 5

In the room you DIDN'T see! The room with ONE bed and ONE television is…

Ayame and Yuki!

" HEY!" Yuki yelled.

" Hooray! I've got my brother!" Ayame cheered.

" DO YOU HATE ME OR SOMETHING?!" Yuki yelled.

Actually, I just like to torture the both of you.

Anyway, that's what the groups were. If you wanted them to be different, my most sincere apologies. Maybe you can write your own fanfic JUST like this one, and when you get to THIS sort of part, you can have Kyo with Tohru or Haru with Yuki or Hatori with Tohru or something shippy like that. Good luck with that!

And with that, everyone trudged up to their crazy rooms.

HOOONK!

" I like being out here." Haru said under his little umbrella.

HOOONK!

" I don't WANT to be here! I'm going to see Haru and enter information into my Palm Pilot!" Rin yelled at the other two girls and marched out. Someone told me what a palm pilot was! YEAH! And I also saw it on Will and Grace, but WHO CARES?! At least now I know it doesn't massage things. Which, for some reason, I was sure it does.

" Bye Rin!" Tohru and Kagura called as Rin stomped out.

" Wow!" Said Tohru. " It sure is empty without Rin!"

" We'll just have to become more entertaining really fast to make up for her mysterious absence!" Kagura said.

" FIGHTO GRINGO OH!" They both yelled cutely, but unfortunately, it wasn't enough, and that's all I have to say about them.

HOOONK!

Hatori gave a long sigh of relief and streched out across both of the beds that he had connected together and just relaxed. Even if he WAS wearing shorts, at least he was ALONE in wearing them. He pulled out his electronic blanket that made him all nice and warm and snuggled under it, and pulled out his tape player with Mario on it and put in his Enya tapes.

" Who can know… why your heart CRIES…or the day FLIES… ONLY TIME…" Enya sang like a pretty bird on the tape.

And with that peaceful music playing, Hatori went to sleep. He deserves a break after what he's been through. And what he's ABOUT to go through tomorrow. But we won't worry about that now.

" ONLY TIME…"

HOOONK!

" Alright!" Said Shigure. " So one bed for me… one bed for Momichi… and no bed for Ritsu! That's just right!"

" YAY!" Said Momiji and started jumping on his designated bed. Of course, Shigure didn't bother to tell him to stop like Yuki or Hatori would. Momiji could probably break his head open and Shigure wouldn't blink twice.

" I will sleep in this corner where no one will see my horrible face and let it disturb their dreams! OH GOMENASAI!" Ritsu cried, cowering in some random corner.

" Cool." Said Shigure. " What's on TV? Thank GOD it's Friday!"

And even though this was canceled quite a long time ago, they switched it onto channel eight and watched TGIF! And not the new crappy WANNABE TGIF, the REAL TGIF, which means that Sabrina and Boy Meets World were on! Oh yeah, and some shows about genies and old people, but no one payed any attention to those.

" Oh MAN!" Shigure laughed as Salem made another wisecrack joke that really wasn't that funny. It was just funny because he was a CAT making a joke. " I sure wish KYO was like that when he's a cat."

" I wish Kyo was Salem!" Momiji wished with all his might but it didn't come true.

Next they watched Boy Meets World!

" What kind of name is TaPANGa?" Shigure scoffed. " It sounds like some sort of tropical fruit."

" I dunno. But I wish she'd make up her mind about Corey!" Momiji said.

They watched the show in silence, and then Shigure said, " Did you ever think that maybe Shawn is in love with Corey?"

" The show would make a LOT more sense if that were true." Momiji nodded.

They all waited and waited because we know they were really only watching for Mr. Feeney. ( FEENEY! OH, FEENEY! HELLOOO, FEENEY!) When it was over, they switched around the channels boredly, but there wasn't really anything on late Fridays. And they were both very tired from all the illegal driving and thunderizing, so they decided to just go to bed.

" Good night Shii-chan!" Momiji said.

" Good night Momichi!" Shigure said. _Tomorrow, _he thought, _tomorrow I'll know the SECRET! _But unfortunately, he was so excited, he couldn't sleep all night! POOR Shigure!

" I APOLOGIZE WORLD! OH, GOMENASAI!" Ritsu yelled, and hit his head really hard against the wall. Then he passed out for the rest of the night.

HOOONK!

" Alright, flunky, here's our plans for tomorrow." Kureno said, spreading out a giant blueprint he had probably spent precious time and effort making in front of Kyo who just gave him and his blueprint a disgusted look.

" I am NOT your flunky." Kyo said, and turned back to the television. He was watching Joan of Arcadia, the stupidest show EVER! He WISHED he was watching Wonderfalls but unfortunately it had been CANCELED! ARGH!

" Tomorrow morning we'll get our breakfast and sit down at the table." Kureno continued as if Kyo had never said anything, " And since we'll be the first ones there, we'll be there before the Mabudachi Trio. Well, after they get their breakfast, they'll come up to us and they'll be all, ' Hey Kureno and flunky, can we sit with you?'"

Kyo knew that the Mabudachi Trio probably wouldn't do this, but he decided to just be quiet.

" And then we'll be all, ' No you may NOT.' THAT will teach them to mess with me, the LONE CHICKEN!" Kureno laughed evilly. " They won't know WHAT to do then!"

" Maybe they'll just go sit at another table." Kyo suggested.

" Shut up, flunky." Kureno snapped.

" DON'T TELL ME TO SHUT UP, YOU IDIOT!"

" You can't talk to your leader like that! Shame on you!" Then Kureno withdrew one of those little fifty-cence plastic squirter guns and started to carelessly squirt it at Kyo. " For shame! For shame!"

" No… STOP IT! I DON'T LIKE WATER!" Kyo yelled pathetically as he covered his head and curled up into a little ball as Kureno to squirt tiny jets of water at him. This went on for awhile until Kureno ran out of water, so Kyo uncurled.

" I don't want to have to do that again." Kureno warned him.

" FINE!" Kyo yelled angrily, but he really didn't want to get squirted at again so he didn't do anything more than that.

" As I was SAYING…" Kureno said, " After that, we'll use Tohru to turn them all into animals and make them eat each other! BWHAHAHAHA! Ayame will eat Hatori, and then Shigure will eat Ayame! AHAHAHAHAHA!"

" But who will eat Shigure?" Kyo pointed out.

" Oh… I hadn't thought of that. Which Jyuunishi animal eats the dog?" Kureno asked as if this were a problem you ran across every day.

" Well… if Kisa were bigger I guess SHE would eat him…" Kyo murmured moodily. " You do know they would never eat each other, right?"

" Don't make me take this to the sink." Kureno warned, shaking the little water pistol.

" Sorry." Kyo grumbled, flinching.

" I guess I'll just have to go back to my first plan: Sticking them all into a car with no brakes and having them drive off a cliff…" Kureno sighed and took out a giant blueprint he had made of THAT. Then he looked at the blueprint and began to chuckle foolishly at how funny it was that the Mabudachi Trio were falling off a cliff.

Kyo wished that HE had a blueprint for beating Yuki. Even if it didn't do much, it probably would have made him look as confident as Kureno did now. And that's PRETTY confident.

HOOONK!

" Come in, Yuki! You can't just sit outside the room all night!"

" Yes, I can."

" COME IN NOW!" Ayame yelled and dragged Yuki into the room.

" Well, look, there's only one bed! It's so nice of you to sacrifice that bed for your delicate older brother. But fear not! I've got something for you to sleep on too!" Ayame declared as he laid down on the bed and tossed Yuki a little pillow that wasn't even as big as his head.

" You can't just take the bed!" Yuki yelled.

" Oh, FINE. We'll sleep side by side, the warmth of our bodies against each other just as warm as the love in our hearts for each other!" Ayame said enthusiastically.

" Never mind." Yuki said quickly. He looked glumly at his little pillow, and laid down to see what it would feel like all night. Unfortunately, the pillow was so small that he missed and hit his head against the floor.

" Ah ha ha! Yuki is so dumb!" Ayame laughed as if that were a funny thing to say.

" SHUT UP!" Yuki yelled, embrassed. " Quit laughing at me!"

" Hee hee HEE! Yuki is ANGRY!" Ayame guffawed hysterically, slapping his knee.

" ARGH!" Said Yuki. I'm just kidding. He just gave Ayame an evil look and marched off to the other little room with the mini refrigerator in it to find some ice for his head. He also wondered if there was some cheese. But there wasn't any. TOO bad.

He found some ice, but it was so cold that he let it sit for awhile. He moped about being stuck with his overbearing older brother in a room with only one bed. Then he looked back at the ice and he got an idea. An awful idea. A HORRIBLE idea. Yuki got a horrible, awful, TERRIBLE idea!

" Hey, nii-san." Yuki called to Ayame who was in the other room chuckling foolishly to Bernie Mac. " Can you come help me with something?"

" I'm BUSY!" Ayame called back, but then he remembered strengthening their bond as brothers was more important than Bernie Mac so he came bounding up. " YES?" He asked Yuki like that guy on the Simpsons. You know, Ayame's horrible, evil english dub sounds a lot like that guy.

" I lost my contacts in the mini-freezer. Can you find them for me?" Yuki asked in a very nice, very sweet, very un-Yuki talking to AYAME way. The fact he was being nice, and the fact that he didn't WEAR contacts should have tipped Ayame off to a sinister idea behind all this.

But Ayame is a ditzy man, so he just said, " SURE!" and opened the mini-freezer and began looking all over for the contacts. Yuki went to go make the bed comfy for himself and turned it to channel 13 because that was his favorite intellectual channel.

Ayame searched and he searched but he didn't find those crazy contacts. He searched for thirty minutes STRAIGHT! Of course, he didn't find them even after all that time. Because there aren't any contacts. I mean, you KNEW that, right? Joo stoopid if joo don't 'now dat!

Yuki was just nibbling on some Planters Peanuts when he heard a loud POOF and Ayame the snake slithered into the room foolishly. " I have turned into a snake." He stated obviously.

" Good for you." Yuki replied dryly.

" Hey…" Said Ayame the snake slowly, " You don't wear contacts! YOU DID THAT ON PURPOSE!"

Yuki clapped very slowly and dramatically.

Ayame gasped and looked just about as offended as a snake can look. " How DARE you treat your older brother that way?!"

Yuki turned the volume up on the television.

Ayame slithered up to Yuki and wrapped himself around Yuki's foot as hard as he could with his little snake self to try and cut off Yuki's circulation, but it didn't work, so he just gave up and went off to pout in a corner by himself.

HOOONK!

" Hey Haru." Rin said, striding outside of the hotel to see that Haru was still outside under his little umbrella with his chains. " What are you doing?"

" Counting the stars." Haru said because it was something you KNOW Haru would be doing.

" Oh. How many have you counted?" Rin asked. Normally she would be MEAN  to Haru but she had decided randomly to be nice. Why? I don't know! Isn't it MYSTERIOUS?

" Um…" Haru said for like five minutes then he said, " I don't know anymore. I've lost count after you asked me. I guess I better start over now." Then he pointed up to one random shining star and said, " One."

Rin put up with this until Haru got to star twenty, then she brought out her palm pilot and sat down next to him under the little umbrella. " This is stupid. Help me think of things to put under people's profiles on my palm pilot."

" RIN, you made me forget which star I was on." Haru protested in a dissapointed voice.

" Twenty." Rin snapped.

" Oh, that's right. But I think I'll start over again anyway." Haru said.

" HARU, SHUT UP ABOUT THE STARS. I need to write descriptions for the people on my palm pilot. You have to help me. Okay, in alphabetical order. First is Akito. What should I say about Akito?" She asked.

" Hmm…" Haru rubbed his chin in a thoughtful way. " Like what do you want to say about them?"

" You know, their likes, their dislikes, what they do." Rin said. She couldn't do all of this information herself because she was anti-social and a bitch most of the time.

" Akito likes vases." Haru said.

" OKAY!" Said Rin and typed under Akito's profile; Likes vases. " That's a stupid thing to like."

" I like stars." Haru said. " And camels. And Yuki. What do you like Rin?"

" I DON'T KNOW!" Rin yelled, since she didn't want people to KNOW what she liked because that might bring them closer to her and get them hurt and it would all be very painful and BAD!

" I like a lot of things. But what I DON'T like are pandas." Haru nodded.

" What? How can you NOT like pandas?" Rin demanded since EVERYONE likes pandas.

" I guess they just… ANNOY me. I mean, they're black and white. What's up with THAT?" Haru said in a disgusted voice.

" YOU'RE black and white!" Rin yelled at him.

" Oh yeah." Said Haru. " Anyway, you should put under my profile; Likes chains and camels, DISLIKES pandas."

" Haru, you're an idiot!" Rin yelled and ran off.

Haru watched her go disdainfully, and arranged his little umbrella more comfortably around him. Then he looked back up at the sky. " One…two…three…"

HOOONK!

" WAKE UP YUKI!" Ayame screamed, yanking out the blankets from under Yuki so that he flew off his bed and hit the floor. " HURRY!"

" What?! Is the hotel on fire or something?!" Yuki said, trying to stand up, but he had probably broken his leg or something, so he just laid there on the floor.

" No. I just wanted you to get up." Said Ayame and laid down on the bed where Yuki had been sleeping. " Good night."

Yuki said some sarcastic remark but didn't do anything AS USUAL. Then he looked up to the random Gringo alarm clock. It was SEVEN o' clock in the morn! Yuki supposed he might as well just get up NOW!

Yes, I know, Yuki ALWAYS sleeps late, but Yuki DOESN'T sleep late on the floor and with a sprained ankle. As he stood up, he realized that he should probably go find Hatori so he could DO something about it! Then again, he didn't want to look weak in front of everyone.

Also, Yuki realized, if he was awake before everyone else, he could get to the cafeteria and get CHEESE before anyone else did! With this newfound purpose, he hobbled out of the room and started down the hall to the cafeteria.

When he got to the cafeteria, however, he only found Shigure who was sitting at the table with giant bags under his eyes and who was muttering to himself like a fool about some sort of secret. You know why, don't you? He didn't sleep at ALL!

" Morning." Said Yuki sociably.

" Yeah, YOU and the other one." Shigure replied groggily, and then slammed his head onto the table and went to sleep. Yuki blinked and just edged away from the table carefully.

Little did Yuki know that Shigure was still on his cheese high from the other day, so he had eaten all of the cheese during the night. So even though Yuki searched his hardest, he never DID find that cheese! Darn!

So then Yuki went outside to see how HARU was doing. He found Haru with his little umbrella still sleeping outside.

" Hey Haru." Said Yuki. " Get up. It's morning."

" Get away panda, GET AWAY!" Haru yelled in his sleep, then woke up. " Oh. Hey Yuki." Then he looked up at the sky. " Five hundred and sixty-"

" Did you really sleep out here all night?" Yuki asked.

" Yes." Said Haru proudly as if it were something to be proud of. " Just me and my umbrella."

" So Hatori was all by himself." Yuki observed.

" I feel bad about that. Poor Hatori." Haru said thoughtfully.

HOOONK!

As Hatori brushed his teeth cheerfully, he hummed his favorite song to himself. The Pretty Sammy Dance Mix! He made sure his teeth were all pearly white and shiny, even though nobody in Fruits Basket really ever HAS teeth, and then just as good-naturedly changed into his clothes. Guess what? He changed into his DOCTOR'S outfit! And he wore some of Kureno's blue jeans that he had gotten out of Kureno's room. Of course, he hadn't asked Kureno's permission, but in this case, Hatori just plain didn't CARE.

See, Hatori had a NEW outlook for today! After having such a wonderful, peaceful night, he had woken up filled with good cheer and optimism! He was going to put up with his stupid, crazy family and then go buy some pants at the store, and THEN he was never going to have to worry about being pantless again!

So WHAT if he had lost almost all his money? So WHAT if he had been made a fool of in front of WAY too many people to count? So what if the evil author was making him a subject of ridicule in front of the world? LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO WASTE!

With a twinkle in his eye and a spring in his step, Hatori stepped outside. Tohru was right outside his door as if she belonged there.

" Good morning, Honda-kun." Hatori said happily. Of course, for HATORI happily probably sounds like Tohru DEPRESSED. Let's just say when Hatori is happy he sounds like he's depressed, but NOT going to kill himself.

" Good morning, Hatori-san! Would you like some tea?" Tohru asked. That's right. Even though she was at a hotel where they MADE the food for you, she had still gone and made tea to give to everyone.

" Don't mind if I do!" Hatori said with a small grin that STILL didn't show his teeth, and took the tea and went merrily along in his doctor robes. As he entered the cafeteria, Ayame and Shigure were waiting for him.

" We're sorry about all your money being lost, Haa-san. We want you to have this." Shigure said, handing Hatori one of those giant checks you see people get on TV from some guy who looks like the host of Wheel of Fortune.

" It's a MILLION dollars! We all pitched in!" Ayame added.

" CONGRATULATIONS!" All the Sohmas shouted.

" Congratulations!" Said Tohru.

" Congratulations!" Said Yuki.

" Congratulations!" Said Kyo.

" Congratulations!" Said Shigure and Ayame.

" Congratulations!" Said Asuka.

" Thanks everybody… I don't know what to say…" Hatori said, but actually he knew JUST what he wanted to say. And why not say it? " I DESERVE this more than anyone else in the world."

" We bought you twenty pairs of pants as well!" Kureno chuckled foolishly. " And burnt your shorts!"

" HI, Hatori!" Said Kana, riding into the room on the camel from earlier.

" Kana? How did you get here?" Hatori asked in an amazed voice.

" I remembered who I am! And I've come to take my rightful place at your side!" Kana said as she made her way to him on the camel.

" Best…day…EVER!" Hatori cheered, raising his fists into the air.

…but of course that was all just a dream.

Hatori sighed as he was roused out of his wonderful dream by Ayame pulling the covers out from under his bed, but Hatori is heavier than Yuki, so he didn't fall onto the ground.

" WAKE UP!" Ayame shouted sternly, and then left. If you must know, Ayame was doing this to each and every person in the hotel, even the ones he doesn't know. When Ayame wants everyone to be up, EVERYONE GETS UP!

Hatori grunted and sort of rolled up to go brush his teeth glumly. He then opened his baggage case to look at what he had to wear. Inside were the same shirts he always wore and three pairs of shorts.

Hatori sat down on his bed and resisted the urge to scream and cry manly tears, and then practically had to MAKE himself put the the shorts on. He couldn't even watch himself do it. Because of this he put them on backwards. But don't worry. He noticed. So then he fixed them. Then he sighed and walked out of the room.

" Good morning… Hatori-" Kureno started to say, since he was right in front of Hatori's door waiting obsessively, but Hatori hit him in the head with the door so he was cut short.

" HA-HA!" Kyo laughed like Nelson, since he had been dragged along by Kureno.

Hatori looked at Kyo and Kureno who were both standing there like they belonged there. " Oh… hey…" He said uneasily, closing the door. " Sorry about that Kureno."

" Oh, it's FINE." Kureno chuckled foolishly, but with a VERY evil glint in his eyes. " We just came to see how you were doing, RIGHT flunky?"

" I AM NOT YOUR-" Kyo started to yell, but quit when Kureno started making little squirting motions with his hand. " Um… yeah…"

" Really…" Hatori said with a suspicous look towards Kureno.

" And we also came to offer you this! Show 'im, flunky." Kureno said, snapping his fingers like a mafia man.

Kyo pulled out a dinner roll with a bunch of minty green toothpaste and held it out unenthusiatically. " I'm not saying it." He mouthed to Kureno.

" Fine. Care for a CUPCAKE, friend?" Kureno asked Hatori really happily.

" …that's not a cupcake. It's a dinner roll with Crest toothpaste all over it." Hatori said disdainfully.

" WHAT? The Lone Chicken is offended you would ever imply such a thing! It is a CUPCAKE! How DARE you insult the Lone Chicken's generosity and INTELLIGENCE!" Kureno said indignantly.

" If it's a cupcake, Kyo, you eat it." Hatori decided.

" WHAT?! HELL NO! THIS IS STUPID AND GROSS!" Kyo yelled, and flung the fake cupcake onto the floor and ran off.

" WAIT, FLUNKY!" Kureno shouted and ran after him.

" I'M NOT YOUR FLUNKY! AND I DON'T CARE IF YOU SPRAY ME OR NOT!"

" We'll see what you say after I get my hands on a SUPER SOAKER 4000!"

"…whatever." Said Hatori and continued on his way to the main room. Inside, all of the teenagers but Haru and Yuki were gathered round sleepily eating breakfast after Ayame had woken them up. I won't tell you WHAT they were eating. You can decide that for yourself, you lucky dog!

" GOOD MORNING TORI-SAN!" Ayame yelled at the top of his lungs as he ran over to Hatori waving his arms around like a fool as if he were miles and miles away and Hatori couldn't see him. " How are you?"

" Alright, I guess." Hatori said slowly, as his last hopes were dashed, seeing Ayame had no giant check and Shigure was sitting off to the side at a little table with a crazy look babbling to himself.

" I'm GRAND!" Ayame chuckled like Kureno. " But Gure-san is acting a little bit strange. I think you should give him a check-up!"

" What do you mean?" Hatori inquired.

" I'll SHOW you!" Ayame said happily and linked arms with Hatori and tried to skip off with him but Hatori didn't skip so Ayame just fell instead. But that was okay.

Meanwhile, Tohru, Kagura, Rin, Momiji and Ritsu, also known as the ones that don't do much and the neglected monkey, were comparing dreams.

" I had a dream that I was walking along and suddenly I came across the land of the STRAWBERRIES! They could talk and everything and I became one with them and their strawberry ways! I LOVED them!" Tohru said happily.

" I had a dream that me and Kyo-kun got married!" Kagura said.

" You got married to the CAT?!" Everyone in the Crazy Gringo Hotel shouted.

" YES! And I LIKED it!" Kagura shouted back.

" I just had depressing flashbacks disguised as dreams again. DARN!" Rin snapped her fingers. Just ONCE she wanted something else!

" I had a dream that I was FLYING!" Momiji said because SOMEBODY always has to have that dream.

Ritsu was too afraid that his dream would OFFEND someone so he didn't say it. But he also felt like he was being rude because he was the only one not sharing his dream with everyone else! In a fit of total panic, he yelled some apologies and ran out of the room.

" Shigure… are you okay?" Hatori asked Shigure uneasily, who was gazing around the room with very red-rimmed eyes.

" I don't think he got any sleep. And LOOK!" Ayame pointed to a trash can that was full of at least a million cans of starbucks coffee and cheese wrappers.

" Shigure, did you have too much caffine?" Hatori asked Shigure sternly.

" Twenty four, twenty four hours to GOOOO, I wanna be sedated!" Shigure sang deleriously, and began banging a coffee mug against his little table along to the song. " I wanna be sedated!"

" I think you need a little nap." Hatori said gently.

" NO! Sleep is for the WEAK!" Shigure protested, and thrust the mug out at Hatori. " MORE frappies!"

" Ayame, go get a large bucket of water." Hatori ordered.

" Okay! Twenty four, twenty four hours to go…" Ayame hummed to himself cheerfully as he frolicked off to go get a large bucket of water.

" How do you know if a monster likes you?" Shigure asked Hatori with a desperate look.

" Uh…" Said Hatori because he wasn't sure.

" It takes another BITE! My GOD!" Shigure cackled insanely. " That's good stuff! Hi, welcome to Starbucks, HOW MAY I HELP YOU?!"

" Here's the large bucket of water." Ayame said. " Would you like to do the honors?"

" Yes, I would." Hatori said, and threw the water all over Shigure. Shigure did that crazy thing that they always do in the cartoons before they turn into a monster or Mr. Hyde, and then he dissapeared under the table for a few seconds. Then he emerged looking very tired and wet.

" I'm cold." Shigure sneezed. " And very caffineted."

" We saw that." Said Hatori.

" I'm NATRUALLY caffineted!" Ayame declared because he is.

" Shigure, why were you up all night? You should have been sleeping." Hatori asked, not knowing he sounded like someone's MOM! And I guess he could be if a seahorse ever got him pregnant.

" I got so excited about Haru's secret that I couldn't sleep!" Shigure whined.

" Why do you need to know that secret so badly?" Hatori sighed.

" Because I DO!" Shigure replied stubbornly. Really, there was no reason for him to know, except that he WANTED to know! " What's wrong with getting what you want?"

" You can't always get what you want." Hatori said.

" But sometimes… you'll find… you get what you… neeeeeed, oh YEAH!" Ayame and Shigure sang as the screen froze and Shigure took a big drink of C2.

" I thought I said no caffine." Hatori said.

" It's C2." Shigure replied.

" Oh." Said Hatori.

HOOOONK!

Haru and Yuki were sitting side by side under the little umbrella in peaceful union. But it was suddenly interrupted by a red-haired individual that came RUNNING onto the scene.

" Hey Kyo." Said Haru.

" GIVE ME THAT UMBRELLA!" Kyo yelled and took the umbrella without even asking!

" Hey… that's mine…" Haru said slowly.

" COME HERE, FLUNKY!" Kureno yelled, wielding his Super Soaker 4000, and started to pump it. Then he fired a stream of water right at Kyo! But luckily, using Haru's little umbrella, Kyo FENDED off the water.

" YOU SUCK!" Kyo jeered, and ran off with the umbrella.

" FLUNKY!" Kureno roared and ran off after him.

" Give me back my umbrella…" Haru called.

" We'll get you a new umbrella." Yuki told him, wondering why on earth Kureno was chasing after Kyo with a Super Soaker. But he didn't worry too much about it. He had more important issues to worry about, after all. Like ANGST, for example.

" It better be as nice as that one." Haru warned the world.

" HARU!" Shigure yelled, bounding over to Haru like a madman. " It's morning!"

" I know that. I'm not THAT slow, okay?" Haru told Shigure in a mildly offended voice.

" No… it's just… you said you'd tell me your secret now!" Shigure said with shiny eyes and he clapsed his hands like he was praying.

" Shigure, you're overeacting." Said Hatori, because he and Ayame had followed Shigure outside to see Haru. Actually, though, Hatori was a little curious HIMSELF what this secret was!

" Oh yeah… I would tell you… but I can't." Haru said slowly, and looked up at the sky.

" WHAT?! WHY NOT?!" Shigure screamed, dropping to his knees like a madman.

" I don't know what it is." Haru said.

" But… but you said you DID!" Shigure cried.

" I do." Haru said, rolling his eyes at how stupid Shigure was being.

" I'm CONFUSED!" Shigure whined pathetically.

" So… you do and you don't?" Hatori asked.

" Well… I don't, but I do." Haru decided. " Some other Haru knows."

" You mean… BLACK Haru knows?" Shigure asked, seeing a glimmer of hope at the end of the dark, dark coffee filled tunnel.

" Maybe." Haru shrugged.

_That's it!_ Shigure thought evilly. _I'll just have to piss Haru off SO much, that Black Haru will come! Then I'll learn the secret! _Then he chuckled grimly to himself. " So, Black Haru knows, huh? Nyuk nyuk nyuk…"

" THAT'S CRAZY!" Everyone behind Hatori and Ayame shouted.

Hatori jumped then turned around. " What are you guys doing here?"

" We followed you! We want to go to the North Dakota State Fair!" Momiji said.

" But we don't have a car." Hatori replied.

" We'll just take a bus!" Kagura said.

" Oh." Said Hatori. " Well, I suppose we could do that. Alright. As long as nobody left anything in the freezer."

Everyone shared a hearty laugh.

" It's not funny. I'm serious." Said Hatori.

" Haru, you SUCK!" Shigure yelled at Haru randomly.

" That's not very nice." Said Haru, but he didn't sound very angry.

'This will be so exciting! The heart-pounding trip to the North Dakota State Fair!' Tohru's voice came as narration from nowhere, and everyone froze and that crazy music began to play.

" Hey…" Kyo said as he wandered into the frozen people and the Chiisana Inori playing, soaking wet. " What's everybody doing?"

OMAKE!

Once again, I apologize for last time's lateness! I was… busy. But don't worry! This story doesn't end till I find Carl! So you better pray that he can hide real well. Today's victim… I mean, the person who gets asked questions today is Hatori! Don't you just LOVE Hatori? Don't you just love it when Hatori gets tortured? I know I do! I love it more than I love STRAWBERRIES! Hatori got asked a lot of questions, and even though I usually only ask a few questions, I'm going to make him answer ALL the questions because I'm that nice!

Person: How do you put up with Ayame and Shigure?

Hatori: Ah… well… I just do the best I can. And sometimes I use some extra measures if they're needed.

Shigure: He erases our memories! The fiend!

Hayley: This isn't your question and answer! It's Haa-san's! (boot)

Person: What's it like being a SEAHORSE?!

Hatori: …(in a very tiny voice you can't hear) …it's okay…

Person: Marry me?!

Hatori: No… I would only bring you PAIN… and suffering. The Sohma family is frightening, dangerous… and CURSED.

Person: Why are you a boring old guy with a dull personality?

Hatori: …Um… I'm really not sure how to answer this question. I'm not really… dull. Am I? (starts to question himself and feel self-concious) I mean… I suppose I could try a little bit harder to be… I… don't know…?

Person: Don't you know Akito is a crazy person that should be put in a pysch ward?

Akito: (appearing from nowhere) WHAT? WE DON'T NEED YOU! YOU CAN'T BREAK THE CURSE, CAN YOU? WE DON'T NEED THE LIKES OF YOU! IT'S YOUR FAULT! OMAE… NO… SAE… DA! (flings vase at Hatori, but luckily misses)

Hatori: …whatever.

Hatori: Those questions weren't that bad.

Hayley: Oh yeah, I have one more.

Naria: I have something BETTER than pants! Will you put these on? (pulls out purple bunny ears and a grass skirt)

Hatori: NO!

Hayley: YES! Do it! Do it! (chants)

Hatori: You must be kidding me.

Hayley: Either put them on and sing ' Takeshi's Paradise' with Brock, or I'll put you in a sealed fish tank with a horny female seahorse.

Hatori: I don't have to take this.

Hayley: (lunges)

Hatori: (erases Hayley's memory) (runs)

Hayley: (gets up groggily) Hey… where's my retainer case ?

Brock: (runs up in grass skirt from the ending video) I'm ready! Where's Hatori?

Hayley: Hatori who?

Brock: Oh… well… I guess I'll sing by myself! (does his dance) OH-NEE-SAN!

Wow… Hatori ESCAPED! Don't worry, we'll get him later. As for next time, send questions to that crazy cow/ox/bull Haru-chan! Hopefully he'll be awake enough to UNDERSTAND your questions!

Until next time, Happy Late Birthday Naria, never watch the movie Hellboy and don't forget to drink your milk, kids! I'm off to attack the book stores with a bulldozer and demand my copy of Fruits Basket Volume four. MUST HAVE AYAME-SAN-GOODNESS!

Ja!


	14. Akito and Kazuma's Bogus Journey!

Chapter 14

Akito and Kazuma's Bogus Journey!

Kiba was the first to get up in the morning. He sat up from the grassy field at the side of the road they had all been sleeping in and looked down the road. He might have thought, ' Hey, wouldn't it be a better idea to just get a hotel?' but this is KIBA we're talking about, so he didn't.

" I wish we had gotten a hotel." Kazuma moaned. He was the second person to get up.

" Silence, minion!" Akito snapped. He's BEEN up but in a sort of tranquilized, insane state so we don't count him. " I can't stand those houses that are full of so many insignificant fools."

" It's beneath my PRIDE to stay at a hotel." Kiba added, resisting the urge to tear down the road repeating 'Cheza cheza cheza.'

" So it's not beneath your pride to ride around in a car?" Kazuma challenged.

" That's not a question of pride." Kiba said in that angering, all-knowing way that always pisses Tsume off.

" Okay!" Kazuma said like he always does, since he's not Tsume, and stood up. " Man, I'm HUNGRY!" He looked over to Brock who was asleep inside his little orange sleeping bag and said, " I sure wish Brock would get up and make us some more jelly donuts!"

" I AM up." Brock said staring straight at them.

" Oh…" Said Kazuma in a slightly startled voice. " I thought you were asleep." But that's okay Kazuma. With Brock, you can't tell WHAT state of conciousness he's in! HARDY-HAR-HAR!

" Pineapple-headed one! Make us a banquet!" Akito yelled. " And make it a banquet fit for the GODS! Wait… GOD! Because there is only one God! ME!" Then he started to go into a coughing fit.

" Well, I don't know about it being fit for a GOD…" Brock chuckled warmly in his Eric Stuart way, " But I'm sure I can rustle up something good enough for us."

" And a God!" Akito insisted.

" No…" Said Brock good-naturedly, " I don't think so."

" Yes, you DO think so." Akito decided. " And this time, it will be a banquet that only I and my new Zodiac animal are invited too!"

" What do you mean new zodiac animal?" Kazuma asked suspicously.

" The wolf! I've decided that from now on the Jyuunishi will include a wolf." Akito said with a fond look at Kiba who was frolicking around randomly off in the distance.

" You can't just DO that! There's only twelve animals in the Zodiac!" Kazuma gasped.

" Not anymore. Now there's thirteen." Akito replied.

" But that's not fair! How come you don't let …………….KYO join the Zodiac? How come you don't let the cat become a member of the zodiac?!" Kazuma demanded on behalf of Kyo and Kazuma's poor neglected bald old grandfather!

" Because I don't want HIM in the Zodiac! He's the CAT!" Akito argued. " For some random reason he has a horrible ugly Donnie Darko Praying Mantis form!"

" Well, you can't just let a wolf join the Zodiac." Kazuma decided.

" Fine. I'll just replace something with a wolf. Like the pig. Or the sheep. No one cares about them." Akito replied. I'm not really arguing with him on that, but I'm certain SOME of you would.

" You can't do that either!" Kazuma argued. I know, he's normally very easygoing but this was for the sake of KYO! Kazuma would walk to the ends of the earth and back for Kyo!

" WHAT DO YOU KNOW? YOU DON'T MAKE THE RULES! I HATE YOU! OMAE… NO… SAE-"

" Can we GO yet?" Kiba whined, having ran back. " We have to go to North Dakota NOW! There's no time to waste!"

" There's PLENTY of time to waste. Kiba, can't you just sit down and relax?" Kazuma demanded.

Kiba was just about to say, NO, Kazuma didn't know what he was talking about, because they had to find CHEZA, but Brock interrupted them by walking foolishly up waving a ladle and wearing a pink apron with frills. " Alright! The foods ready! I made ice cream sandwiches and bacon double cheeseburgers!" Then he handed all of them about three onigiri rice balls each.

" Don't eat them TOO fast." Brock chuckled like… Eric Stuart. I bet you thought it was going to say Kureno, weren't you? WEREN'T YOU? AHAHAHA!

" I'll eat them quickly. To eat food slow goes against my pride." Kiba said cooly, then awkwardly ate the riceballs considering he's a…wolf, and they don't normally eat riceballs. What he REALLY wanted was a nice DEER!

" Mmmm-MM! I love your cooking Brock! I can't cook at all." Kazuma chuckled like Kureno. Or at least… I THINK he can't cook. All I've ever seen him make is a odd little rubber octopus thing that little Kyo suspends into the air so I'm not certain. BUT THAT'S OKAY!

" Why, everyone can learn to cook, Kazuma. You've just got to put your mind to it, and remember that even if you make mistakes, sometimes the BEST dishes are mistakes." Brock said kindly. What are you Brock? The male version of Tohru?

" I don't like this! I WON'T EAT IT!" Akito screamed and threw the riceball at Brock's head, where it stuck into his hair and remained there for all eternity. " Let us move on to our destination! Carry me, Kiba."

" It's beneath my PRIDE-" Kiba started to say, but then he remembered who he was talking to, so it's safe to say THAT sentence wasn't finished.

" But I went to all this trouble to make your bacon double cheesburgers!" Brock complained. " I put my heart and soul into making them!"

" You can make us more riceballs later, minion." Akito said as Kiba hoisted him into the air and carried him the two feet from the side of the road to the car.

" RICEBALLS? RICEBALLS! What's a RICEBALL?" Brock gasped.

" SHUT UP! I'M TIRED OF YOUR STUPID DUBBED VOICE!" Akito shrieked as he began to jiggle the car door handle furiously, and continued to do so until Kazuma unlocked the door. Then they all piled into the car.

" Turn on the radio, Kazuma. And make it SNAPPY…" Akito said JUST as he snapped his fingers at the end of the sentence.

" Okay!" said Kazuma like he always does and turned it on. Unfortunately, since they're out in the middle of nowhere, they couldn't pick up any radio station but the Buddy Barn Music Radio Station which was just playing ' The Reason' by Hoobastank over and over. And since that song OFFENDS me oh so very much, we will just not go there.

" It's against my PRIDE to listen to Hoobastank." Kiba put in sensibly.

" Hoobastank? Is that a new Pokemon?" Brock asked. You know what? Hoobastank DOES sound like a Pokemon! From now on, I'm considering Hoobastank as the FIVE-HUNDRETH Pokemon! Of course, I don't know HOW many of those little bastards there are now, but… yes.

" I want SINGING! AND I WANT IT NOW!" Akito screamed like an impaitent little child.

" Alright!" Said Brock and started to sing in his japanese voice. " Ano machi, kono machi, HITOMEBORE, dono michi furarete fuwa FUWA-"

" NO! NOT YOU! Kazuma! Serenade me with your beautiful voice." Akito said with a creepy look towards Kazuma.

" Okay!" Said Kazuma like he always does, and began to sing JUST like some crazy little kid's tape, " Let's go ridin' in the car, CAR, let's go ridin' in the car, CAR-"

" NO! Not that one. Sing me my FAVORITE song." Akito said as if he HAD a favorite song.

Kazuma started to sing ' Oh, Tennanbaum' but then he remembered that wasn't Akito's favorite song so he started to sing THIS song.

' Old Mackito had a farm! EEE AYE EEE AYE OH!

And on that farm he had a seahorse! EEE AYE EEE AYE OH!

With a 'meep, meep' here,

And a 'meep, meep' there,

Here a 'meep',

There a 'meep',

Eveywhere a meep-meep,

Old Mackito had a farm! EEE AYE EEE AYE OH!'

This went on for awhile, as it should have. Then Kazuma stopped singing and everyone was sad. ESPECIALLY me. Because Kazuma is the MAN! And his singing is da BOMB!

In fact, Akito was so dissapointed at the song ending that he started to have a seizure! His eyes began rolling and he started twisting painfully all over the seat. Kiba, who was sitting next to him, just sort of blinked and then edged away carefully.

" Oh My God! Akito's dying! PARTY PARTY PARTY!" Everyone in the world shouted.

" Somebody's GOT to save him!" Brock yelled foolishly. " But wait… I can save him! I'm a breeder that doesn't breed!"And with that, he whipped out some of that spray medicine he always uses and sprayed Akito in the face.

" …what did you DO?" Kazuma asked as Akito quit spasming and just sort of went limp with a blank expression.

" I adminstered a sedative drug on him! He'll be FINE!" Brock chuckled like Eric Stuart.

" DARN!" Everyone in the whole world shouted.

" Well, then… I guess I won't worry about it and just keep driving!" Kazuma said like the easygoing guy he was and DID SO!

EEE AYE EEE AYE OH!

Akito was on the Yellow Submarine!

" Why, 'ELLO Akito!" John Lennon said.

" I thought you were dead." Akito frowned.

" I can't 'ELP being dead, now can I?" John Lennon asked as the rest of the Beatles nodded around him.

" Let's sing a song for Akito!" Ringo said happily. Do you know why he's happy? Because he's alive. And he's got the COOLEST NOSE EVER!

" Let me take you down… 'cause I'm going to… strawberry fields… nothing is real…" The Beatles started to sing.

" NO! SHUT UP!" Akito yelled.

" Why, you're just a big blue MEANIE!" Paul clucked.

" Hey Akito… don't make it bad… take a sad song… and make it better…" All of The Beatles started to sing.

" Oh, I can never stay mad at YOU crazy Brits for long!" Akito sighed.

EEE AYE EEE AYE OH!

My name is Paco. I live in Taco. I make three pesos a day.

…

" What happened?" Akito muttered groggily.

" You were sedated. Look, Akito! We're almost to North Dakota!" Kazuma pointed ahead. " I can finally see ……………….."

" FASTER! Push yourself until you FAINT!" Kiba yelled impaitently while they all waited for Kazuma to finish his sentence.

" Do you hear that Bird? I'm almost there! Where shall we meet you?" Akito asked his little necklace.

"…I can't come to my stone voice communicator thing like now. I'm probably watching the Brak Show or something, so uh… just leave a message…TWEEEEET!" The stone tweeted and then went quiet.

" I'll try again later." Akito grumbled.

"……KYO." Kazuma finished.

OMAKE!

Yes, this chapter was short. But that's because the NEXT chapter will be LOOOONG! Besides, how much can you expect me to write about Akito, Kazuma, Kiba, and BROCK? Not a lot I hope. Anyway, I didn't update very quickly THIS time because I, Hayley, went on vacation! To New Mexico! It was a BLAST! There were CAMELS there! But they didn't yodel. (sniff) I got a roadrunner figurine and a nice night at a WONDERFUL hotel! Not the Crazy Gringo Hotel, the Doubletree Hotel. So anyone who lives in New Mexico, I compliment you on your lovely state and the lovely town of Albaqurqe! DA-HUCK!

Anyway, back to QUESTIONS! This time, our good friend Haru got asked questions. He got quite a lot! As for your question Naria, I'm afraid I couldn't ask him it in person, because I was afraid BLACK Haru might get some ideas. Then again… do I really WANT him to NOT get ideas? Hmm… (evil look)

Person: Haru, can I touch your chains?

Haru: …(reluctant look) If you HAVE to.

Black Haru: NO! THEY'RE MINE! HANDS OFF!

Person: Will you ever remember your secret?

Haru: Uh… I dunno…

Black Haru: SHUT UP AND GO AWAY!

Person: Have you ever realized how incredibly gorgeous you are?

Haru: Why, thank you. And yes, I have. I am the sexiest cow alive.

Black Haru: YES! RAWR! I'M VERY MEAN AND I TALK IN ALL CAPTALS ALL THE TIME! GRAAAAAWER!

Person: What's your secret, Haru?

Hayley: Now REALLY. Do you really expect me to reveal something like that in the question and answer? And even if I DID, it's not like anybody READS the question and answer.

Person: Are pandas black on white or white on black? Since your hair is already (mostly) white, what color will it turn when you get old? Do you think you'd be able to count the stars if you jumped over the moon?

Haru: For the first question… I don't know. Unless it were an ALBINO panda. Then I would say it was just white on white. I plan to never get old, and even if I did, it wouldn't matter what color my hair is because I will be one sexy old dude. I don't think I could jump over the moon. Maybe I should go try… (wanders off)

Black Haru: RAAAAGE!

Hayley: Black Haru, CALM your rage!

Black Haru: RAGE RISING!

Hayley: (hugs) There! Now you're a cow!

Black Haru Cow: So I'll just stampede over you.

Hayley: Oh yeah… (runs)

Next time send questions to Aya, who has returned from being blasted into the atmosphere. I STILL haven't gotten volume four… WAAAAAAAAH! WHY GOD, WHY?! WE HAD A DEAL, YOU AND ME! NOOOOOOOOO!

Ja!


	15. PAPER AIRPLANES!

Hello everyone!

I suppose you're wondering WHY is she taking so long to update?! Well… let me talk to you about a little thing called… SCHOOL. That's right, the great Hayley is in school and it makes it very hard for her to get things done quickly! But never fear! I'm still writing! I was writing merely seconds ago! But it takes LONGER to finish with school and homework and my life and whatnot. So never fear, you have my word that the story WILL be continually updated and your crazy questions WILL be answered. Just try and understand that I'm doing the best I can and you must be PAITENT.

So, until the next update… (hopefully this weekend or sooner) do something while you wait in front of your computer screen! Read another fanfic! Eat a sandwich! Get a life! Or even BETTER, go read Random Adventures with FF7 Cast and Shoopuf Dude, and REVIEW it! Don't you know reviews make me feel good? And that way support the Shoopuf series!

By the way, this story still has eight chapters left. Once that's done, the next story will probably either be Shoopuf Dude with FF10, Shoopufitation, Shoopufs of Arcaida, Shoo-Yasha, Shoopuf Bebop, Shoocaptor Sakura… the list goes on for awhile.

Anyway… thanks again for your PATIENCE! ( I spelled it right for you, Patience.) And if you see Carl, tell him that nothing matches the fury of a woman scorned. Except for maybe the wrath of the seahorse.

MEEEEEEEP,

Hayley Wallace

Quote from Now Until the End of Time

' It's like salted peanuts! I just CAN'T STOP making paper airplanes! It's addicting! It's fun! It turns me on! WHEEEEEEEE!'

- Reggie from an Archie Comic


	16. The North Dakota State Fair!

Chapter 15

The North Dakota State Fair and a Goldfish in the Zodiac!

And now they were setting off to the North Dakota State Fair! But don't think I'm going to be all cheap like the LAST time when they were all setting off to the museum. I'm not going to have the magically arrive there from nowhere. No, this time, those Sohmas are going to have to WORK to get to the North Dakota State Fair!

" Alright…" Said Hatori who was standing around authoratively as all of them clustered around the bus stop. " Before we get on that bus, I want everyone to choose a buddy. Because I'm through with everyone getting lost and me having to go after them."

" WHAT? A BUDDY? That's so ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!" Everyone yelled.

" I don't care. I'm choosing a buddy. And so will all of you. And I'm choosing Kureno. So there." Hatori said, pointing over to Kureno.

" What?! I'm not your BUDDY!" Kureno said, drawing himself in an offended manner.

" Too bad. You are now. Kureno's taken. Now everyone else choose a buddy." Hatori commanded. Why did Hatori chose Kureno? Probably because that way he could keep an eye on that crazy chicken.

" OH! OH! I want Kyo-kun!" Kagura exclaimed, jumping up and down.

" NO!" Kyo yelled.

" Besides, he's MY flunky!" Kureno argued.

" Okay, okay, I am NOT going through this again. Kyo, who do you want to be paired up with?" Hatori asked Kyo, because like me, he's DONE with all that arguing crap.

" Um…" Kyo said, immediately flustered. He didn't mind making a big deal about people picking HIM, but he didn't want to have to choose someone else. " Uh…"

" Pick me Kyo-kun! PICK ME!" Kagura yelled, jumping up and down.

" No! Pick ME!" Kureno argued, pushing her out of the way and leaping into the air like a fool.

" Kureno, you're already my buddy." Hatori protested.

" We are not BUDDIES! AND WE NEVER WILL BE! ARGH!" Kureno yelled, and marched angrily off to the corner of the bus stop. Which was like three centimeters away.

" Fine! I'm choosing HER!" Kyo said pointing at Tohru who was standing there obliviously. " But not because I WANT to! Only because she gets on my nerves the least out of ALL of you!"

" That's so kind of you to say!" Tohru beamed foolishly and trotted over to him.

" Yuki, you go with them too." Hatori said. Why? Because it can't just be Tohru and KYO. It had to be Tohru, Yuki, and Kyo. It just won't WORK otherwise. Those three always are together! Hardy-har-har!

" Okay… Momiji, you choose a buddy." Hatori said with a brisk little nod.

Well, EVERYBUDDY IS MOMIJI'S BUDDY! But if he had to choose ONE buddy, it would be…

" I choose Haru! Is that okay, Haru?" Momiji asked Haru who was standing there like a buddy-less fool.

" Uh… sure…" Said Haru, who probably didn't know what was going on.

" YAY!" Momiji cheered.

" NO!" Shigure yelled. " Haru was going to be MY buddy!" Then he started to break down and cry. Of course, he only wanted Haru to be his buddy so he could insult him until he CRACKED, but that's to be expected.

" Gure-san! Snap out of it!" Ayame huffed, yanking Shigure up and bitch-slapping him. " How can you shed tears when I'm here and at your side?"

" That's right… you're more than my buddy…Aya…" Shigure said with little sparklies around him.

" Allow me to experience the pleasure of being your partner as we go on various rides at the fair…" Ayame replied ambigously.

" Okay, okay." Hatori said hastily before they even had a chance to go ' Yosh!' " The bus is almost here so hurry up."

" Well, Rin, you're a girl and I'm a girl, so let's go together!" Kagura said randomly.

" FINE! But it's not like I'm HAPPY about it or anything." Rin snapped.

" Um… excuse me…"

Everyone turned around to see Ritsu standing there as if he SHOULD be there.

" I don't have a buddy." Ritsu pointed out.

Oh My God! I just realized that UNFORTUNATELY there aren't any people left for Ritsu to be buddies with! I suppose I could always have Yuki be with Ritsu instead of being with Tohru and Kyo… BUT I WON'T! Poor, poor neglected monkey.

" So what? Who are you? Quit wasting everyone's time and get out of my sight!" Ayame yelled as if Ritsu were offending him, because for all he knew Ritsu was some random transvestite that had just wandered over to the bus stop.

" I'M SO SORRY!" Ritsu screamed and started to run down the street crying.

" Ritsu. Come back. Ayame, why did you have to say that?" Hatori scolded, as he marched after Ritsu to bring him back.

" What? Do we KNOW that guy or something?" Ayame asked everybody.

" That's your younger cousin Ritsu! The monkey!" Yuki exclaimed in an exasperated voice.

" Oh! I thought he was just some random street bum. MY BAD!" Ayame chuckled like Kureno. In the end, I guess Ayame just randomly forgets who people are! Perhaps he often even forgets where he HIMSELF is! As my friend once put it, ' That's the drunkest snake I've ever SEEN!'

" Everyone hates me! I have no buddies! WAAAAAH! I'M SO SORRY!" Ritsu hypervenilated as Hatori dragged him back to the bus stop. " THERE MUST BE SOMETHING SO HORRIBLY WRONG WITH ME THAT I OFFEND EVERYONE JUST BY MY VERY PRESENCE!"

" Hey, Ritsu. I'LL be your buddy." Said some random guy who was also at the bus stop that didn't even know them. His name is Zack. He lives in a pipe. Let's laugh at him.

" Who are YOU?" Hatori asked, even though he probably would have handed Ritsu over to Hitler if Hitler wanted to be his buddy. Not that Hitler would be in North Dakota. He's not anywhere! He's dead! HARDY-HAR-HAR!

" I'm Zack." Said Zack.

" Okay." Said Hatori and so Ritsu got a random buddy. And JUST then, some crazy Buddy Barn Bus came driving up as if it had been waiting for them to make up their minds before it showed up.

" Why, hello. This is quite a group you have here!" That Buddy Barn Guy exclaimed, as he opened the bus door for them all to get on. Just so you KNOW… That Buddy Barn Guy's bus was a FREE bus. Like a school bus only not. He probably went around picking up hobos and people like Hatori that can't afford to pay for bus rides.

" Do you stalk us or something?!" Kyo demanded moodily.

" You know what? You lot are the most ungrateful bunch of people I've ever met in my ENTIRE life!" That Buddy Barn Guy said in a deeply offended manner. " In all my years as That Buddy Barn Guy, I've never met a bunch of ruder misfits."

" ESPECIALLY Haru!" Shigure exclaimed, and looked away when everyone gave him an inquistive look.

" Well, are you getting on or NOT?" That Buddy Barn Guy demanded and started opening and closing the bus door impaitently. Hatori nodded and he resentfully opened the doors all the way. And so they all boarded on! If you want to know how they sat… well, I don't think I'll tell you. It's not like this bus ride is going to take a long time or anything.

" It's a good thing it didn't cost any money. Because I only have… seventy-two dollars and three dimes left. And I'm NOT using my credit card for the rest of this vacation. And no one else will be either." Hatori said, opening his wallet. Hatori's wallet is brown leather with a little fold out picture thingy that has pictures of Kana and his pet dog Frank that died of arthritis a few years ago.

" Seventy two dollars? That's barely enough for us to surrvive another day!" Shigure gasped, and then smacked Haru who was sitting in front of him in the head. " RIGHT, HARU, YOU FREAK OF NATURE?!"

" Why did you do that?" Haru whined, rubbing the back of his head. " I wouldn't do something like that to YOU."

" Shigure, why didn't you bring any money yourself?" Hatori asked crossly because he was tired of people acting like he was Mr. Moneybags!

" I DID. But I'm saving it for something special." Shigure said with a holier than thou expression.

" Like WHAT?" Ayame inquired.

" Something special." Shigure returned stubbornly. Actually, he didn't KNOW what he was going to buy. Or maybe he's just saying that so everyone will leave him and his money alone. You never can tell with that crazy Shigure!

" Will you buy me something? Of course you will." Ayame answered his own question.

" Of course I'll buy you something, Aya." Shigure said, even though he probably won't. " And I'll buy Hiro and Kisa something too."

" They're not here." Said Yuki.

" That's the POINT!" Shigure cackled evily, and then randomly hit Haru on the head again.

" Well… we're here at the North Dakota State Fair. Have a LOVELY time." That Buddy Barn Guy said sarcastically and booted them all off the bus. After brushing themseleves off, everyone stared up at the giant Jurassic Park style gate that led to the fair.

" What do they got, King Kong in there?" Kureno said JUST like Jeff Goldblum and then chuckled foolishly. " Man, I LOVE that movie!"

" WHO DOESN'T?!" Everyone agreed except for Zack. He doesn't like it.

" Wait a minute…" Hatori murmured, looking up at a large sign. " It says men have to pay twenty dollars each to get in. But women get in free on the weekends." And guess what?! It was the WEEKEND! How LUCKY!

" Let's see… there are thirteen of us, and ten of us are men. That comes to two hundred dollars." Hatori thought outloud and looked at everyone. Everyone glanced at each other uncomfortably because they knew that just plain was NOT gonna happen.

But don't worry. Hatori is using his noggin to solve this problem. He looked at everyone slowly, then nodded. " Ayame, Momiji, Ritsu, and Yuki go stand over there." He said, pointing to Tohru, Kagura, and Rin.

" WHAT?! NO!" Yuki yelled, because he didn't want to be put in a group like that.

" We have no choice. If we do it this way, I'll be able to afford to get us all in." Hatori argued, who was actually getting secret amusment at having to do this to those crazy femine men. Not that any of them really cared except for Yuki. Oh well!

" I refuse to do this." Yuki stated stubbornly.

" Why not? You look more like a girl than some of the girls!" Shigure pointed out.

" NO I DON'T!" Yuki yelled.

" You do. AHAHAHAHA!" Kyo guffawed over-exageratingly because he wanted to make Yuki feel bad.

" I know! I'LL pose as a woman too!" Kureno said suddenly as if it were the greatest idea in the world.

" No, Kureno, that wouldn't work." Hatori said.

" Yes it WOULD!" Kureno exclaimed. " The Lone Chicken is MOST effeminate!"

" No, you're not. You're one of the more masculine ones here." Hatori pointed out paitently.

" I'm PRETTY!" Kureno declared and started strutting around like some strange chicken model.

" But I'm the PRETTIEST!" Ayame said randomly, because he was enjoying the fact that he was able to pose as a woman. Of course, his voice is VERY deep so if he talked while pretending to be a woman it'd be very scary. Unless he's dubbed. Then he just sounds like Cher.

" Okay, SHUT UP. Ayame, Momiji, Ritsu and Yuki, you are women." Hatori said as if everything Hatori said magically happened whenever he said it.

" I am not! They'll never believe it." Yuki said in denial.

" We'll see about that." Hatori said. And with that they walked up to the ticket booth which had some crazy young furling of a man named Ticket Booth Van inside.

" Don't worry. I can pay for myself." Zack said and whipped out a large wad of money and handed it to Ticket Booth Van who gave him a ticket. Then Ticket Booth Van gave all the girls their tickets for free. When he started to give Yuki HIS ticket, Yuki froze and gave him a weird look.

" Don't you see that I'm a BOY?" He demanded.

" Aw, that's cute." Ticket Booth Van chuckled and gave Yuki his ticket anyway.

" But I AM…" Yuki murmured to himself in a confused voice, wandering off to question his own gender.

" Alright. Well, that just leaves me, Haru, Kyo, Shigure and Kureno. I only have enough to pay for three people. You two will have to pay for it yourself, Kureno, Shigure." Hatori said.

" But I don't WANNA! Why don't you make Kyo pay for himself? He's the CAT!" Shigure whined.

" The Lone Chicken will pay for himself AND his flunky!" Kureno interrupted in a manly voice, and handed Ticket Booth Van a bunch of money, then took the ticket he received and handed it to Kyo. " Here you go, flunky."

" I'M NOT YOUR FLUNKY! AND I DON'T WANT YOUR STUPID TICKET!" Kyo yelled and swatted the ticket out of Kureno's hand.

" I do! HA! Now I don't have to pay!" Shigure said, catching the ticket. Oh, that sly Shigure!

" Fine. Just FINE. I don't even CARE anymore." Hatori muttered in disgust, and took out his money. " Three, please."

" Hey… are you guys all related or something?" Ticket Booth Van asked as if it were any of HIS buisness.

" Um… yeah. We're Sohmas." Hatori answered uneasily.

" Why, I'M a Sohma!" Ticket Booth Van Sohma exclaimed. " Who would have thought that I would see you guys all the way out here in North Dakota? Do you remember me from New Years?"

Of course, nobody DID. And how did a Sohma get so far as North Dakota anyway? ARGH! MUST NOT QUESTION THE SOHMA IN NORTH DAKOTA!

" So, here we are all together as family!" Ticket Booth Van Sohma chuckled like Kureno.

" Uh yeah… can I have my tickets now?" Hatori asked.

" Why, SURE! You can have them for free, since we're family and everything." Ticket Booth Van Sohma said enthusiastically and shoved three free tickets at them. Hatori blinked and took the tickets. Then he felt sort of bad because he didn't know ANYTHING about old Van, and here he was letting them in free. Whatta guy!

" Well… uh… here." Hatori said, handing Ticket Booth Van Sohma a ten dollar bill. " Go buy yourself some candy or something."

" I can't. I have to stay in the booth remember?" Ticket Booth Van Sohma chuckled like Kureno.

" Oh yeah. Okay, well bye." Hatori said as they all began to drift away from the Ticket Booth with an uncomfortable look. It wasn't like Ticket Booth Van Sohma was a CURSED Sohma or Tohru or Zack so he just didn't fit in with the whole scheme of things.

" Hey! Will you buy me some candy and bring it back here? I get REALLY hungry!" Ticket Booth Van Sohma called.

" No." Said Hatori and they all ran inside the North Dakota State Fair.

" Darn! Oh well! See you New Years!" Ticket Booth Van Sohma, but he never did because he exploded right then and there.

" LOOK!" Momiji yelled enthusiastically as they stepped through the giant gates. " It's Big Tex!"

Everyone looked up at a giant cowboy robot that was waving an arm around and saying over and over in an electronic voice, " HOWDY! Welcome to the State Fair!"

" How come Big TEX is at the North Dakotan State Fair?" Haru asked slowly.

" DO NOT QUESTON BIG TEX!" Everyone yelled at him.

" Alright. Does everyone have a buddy?" Hatori asked. Of course, everyone did. Even RITSU! GASP! Hatori looked into his wallet to see he had sixty two dollars and three dimes left. And since he was planning to buy some pants at the State Fair, and he wasn't feeling particularly generous with everyone, he handed each group three dollars.

" That's for lunch." He told everyone.

" WHAT?! We can barely afford a corny dog with this!" Momiji whined.

" I ALREADY have a corny dog." Ayame chuckled like Kureno.

" That hurt." Shigure pouted.

" Hey! How come we only get THREE dollars?! We have more people in our group than everyone else!" Kyo yelled at Hatori, shaking the three dollar bills in his face.

" That's okay! I just won't eat anything!" Tohru said. Then Yuki and Kyo decided they wouldn't eat anyway, and spend all the money on Tohru. OH WELL!

" We'll meet back in two hours at the karoke bar. TWO HOURS. No excuses." Hatori told everyone sternly. Everyone agreed. And then they all went off on their separate ways. But don't worry. They'll meet again someday. After all, if their NAMES are the Digidestined, then they were DESTINED to be together!

HOOONK!

" Now to get some pants." Hatori said, but he hadn't realized he had said it outloud, so he didn't understand why Kureno gave him a bug-eyed look. He began looking around over people's heads for some random pant store. A Buddy Barn Pant Land PROBABLY would have popped up, but the Sohma family had been so rude to him that he just DIDN'T!

" I have pants." Kureno stated obviously, and started doing the can-can in them just because he could and Hatori couldn't.

" Quit that." Hatori said, shielding his eyes and walking forward.

" That's right! The LONE CHICKEN can do the can can, but the short-dwelling seahorse CAN not!" Kureno laughed sinisterly, and randomly did a cartwheel in front of Hatori. " Not only THAT, but I can cartwheel! WHEEEEE!"

" Kureno, quit acting like an idiot." Hatori demanded, starting to seriously regret picking Kureno as his buddy.

Kureno, who had now decided he would torture this dreaded member of the Mabudachi Trio as much as possible while he could, simply did a handstand and started singing ' I've got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts' as loud as he possibly could.

" Kureno, STOP THAT." Hatori said seriously, but Kureno couldn't hear him over his own singing. Since people were stopping around them and starting to clap for Kureno, Hatori just shook his head in a disgusted manner and walked away.

" HEY! COME BACK! THE LONE CHICKEN ISN'T DONE WITH YOU YET!" Kureno yelled, and started cartwheeling over to Hatori. Hatori turned around and glared at him.

" QUIT," He said, " Cartwheeling around."

" You're just jealous because YOU can't cartwheel." Kureno said airily.

" I am not." Hatori argued because he really wasn't.

" But it's true, isn't it? You don't know how to cartwheel." Kureno answered, still cartwheeling around like a foolish chicken.

" I do too. But I just don't feel like doing it." Hatori answered, which was sort of true. In his young days as a furling youth he had been able to cartwheel with the best of them, but his skills were rusty after many, many years of NOT cartwheeling.

" Okay. How about this. If you do a carthwheel, I'll quit." Kureno said.

" No." Hatori decided.

" Fine. Then I'll just cartwheel my way into the nearest young lady." Kureno chuckled foolishly, and started to spin away.

" WAIT." Hatori said, and then sighed reluctantly when Kureno looked back at him. " Okay." He said. " I'll do it."

Kureno watched carefully as Hatori bent forward and placed his arms very awkwardly on the grass and placed his legs somewhat far apart. He called upon the memories of his days as a furling youth and took a deep breath. Then he sort of flailed his legs into the air and fell.

" AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Kureno yelled, falling onto the grass too and rolling around in hysterics. " AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! YOU FELL! IN SHORTS! I'm going to tell EVERYONE!"

" I don't think so." Hatori said, and there was a blinding flash. Kureno blinked fuzzily.

" What just happened?" Kureno asked Hatori in a very confused voice.

" Come on. We were going to the clothing market, remember?" Hatori said in a fake nice voice and lifted Kureno up from the ground.

" Oh yeah! NOW I remember!" Kureno chuckled foolishly.

Hey… Hatori, why didn't you just erase his memory to begin with? ARGH!!

HOOONK!

" This is so much fun! I'm so happy that we came!" Tohru said happily as they walked through the sea of random Fair Activities. What have these three been up to, you want to know? Well, Kyo has been challenging Yuki to every single cheap little carnie booth game he can find. YES, even the balloon popping one. And in result, Tohru now had at least a million stuffed animals they had won and given to her.

" Thank you so much for all of the adorable stuffed animals!" Tohru said with shinies all around her.

" No problem…" Yuki and Kyo muttered from behind a MOUNTAIN of stuffed animals.

" I'm carrying more stuffed animals than YOU, Yuki!" Kyo crowed triumphantly.

" REALLY? Then how about you carry even MORE?" Yuki asked sarcastically and dumped all of his stuffed animals on top of Kyo who fell and was now buried under a sea of stuffed animals.

" Yuki-kun, what do you want to do now?" Tohru asked Yuki obliviously as Kyo began to claw his way out of the stuffed animals.

I want to find CHEESE! That's what Yuki would have said if he had no pride at all. But he does have some pride, so he just shrugged and dodged a sock monkey Kyo threw at him as he emerged from the pile.

" Oh, hello Kyo-kun!" Tohru said as if Kyo had JUST gotten there. " What would you like to do?"

" I'll defeat you someday, you damn rat! And take my rightful place in the ZODIAC!" Kyo screamed at Yuki and threw a big panda stuffed animal at him.

" That sounds fun!" Tohru remarked ditzily as Yuki skullfully dodged the panda too.

" I CHALLENGE YOU! I CHALLENGE YOU RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!" Kyo yelled at the top of his lungs.

"… to what?" Yuki asked doubtfully.

" THAT!" Kyo screamed, pointing to something random in the background. It was a Leek Eating Contest! WHOOPS!

" Never mind." Kyo said quickly, tearing his gaze away from all the people trying to eat as many leeks as they could. " I challenge you to THAT!"

Yuki and Tohru looked over to see he was pointing at some random carnie booth. A carnie who we'll call Carnie Nemo stared at them, and then pointed to himself like a fool. " You wanna play my Carnie Game? MY Carnie Game? Nobody EVER plays my carnie game! WOO-HOO!" Then he got up on his carnie booth and started doing the riverdance.

" YES! A CARNIE GAME! IN OTHER WORDS… A CHALLENGE TO THE DEATH!" Kyo yelled, getting a little bit too excited about the whole thing.

" Whatever. Let me just do this to calm him down, Honda-san." Yuki sighed oh so sexily and sauntered over to Kyo to stand in front of Carnie Nemo's booth.

" Look! A STRAWBERRY stuffed animal!" Tohru cheered and hugged it.

" So what kind of Carnie game is this?" Yuki asked Carnie Nemo.

" TO THE DEATH!" Kyo interrupted, but was ignored.

" Well, BASICALLY…" Carnie Nemo said, whipping out a big makeup set, " Whichever man can make himself look the most feminine using just this makeup kit, WINS!"

" WHAT?!" Yuki yelled, because you just KNOW he's offended by that sort of thing. " That's not a carnie game! That's not a game at all!"

" Well… I actually just like seeing men make themselves look pretty." Carnie Nemo admitted sadly. " I didn't want to be a carnie. I wanted to be… A MAKEUP ARTIST!"

" Okay. This is just sad. Come on Kyo." Yuki said in disgust, and looked over to Kyo who was appling makeup to his face furiously. In his excitement he had taken in the rules and hadn't even thought about just WHAT it was he was doing! OOPS!

" ARGH!" Kyo screamed and began wiping the makeup off his face furiously as Yuki just stared at him in disbelief. " DON'T EVER TELL ANYONE ABOUT THAT! DON'T EVER! I DIDN'T MEAN TO DO IT!"

" That's okay. I think I'm going to ask Hatori to erase the sight out of my memory." Yuki said.

" Oh my! That was the prettiest face I've seen all day!" Carnie Nemo exclaimed as he stared at awe at Kyo's partially makeup removed face. Now Kyo had red all over his lips so it looked like he had just ate some STRAWBERRIES!

" NO IT ISN'T!" Kyo yelled.

" No, no, it really IS." Carnie Nemo shook his head knowingly. " You've made a simple Carnie very happy. For this I must give you a prize."

Kyo started to protest, since he thought it would be a makeup kit or a big fruity poster or something Carnie Nemo-ish like that. But then Carnie Nemo handed Kyo a small little fishbowl with a little goldfish swimming around inside. Anyone who was ever a kid at a fair remembers THOSE suckers. And how they would die in a day.

" Please, accept this prize!" Carnie Nemo said happily, handing Kyo the little goldfish.

" How cute!" Tohru exclaimed.

" I knew she would say that…" Yuki said, only it was in a thought and dark blue and in a very creepy voice for no particular reason whatsoever.

Now, maybe, you think Kyo would be all, " NO WAY! KYO SOHMA WOULD NEVER ACCEPT SUCH A WIMPY LITTLE THING!" or " ARGH! JUST GO AWAY!" Or maybe you would just expect Kyo to chuck the goldfish at the man's head. But not today. Not TODAY my friend.

" Fine…" Kyo muttered, taking the bowl. He looked into it, and saw the little goldfish swimming around obliviously with it's mouth open. There were some little red and white pebbles at the bottom too. " Now will you PLEASE leave me alone?"

" Of COURSE!" Carnie Nemo exclaimed and exploded because that was his only purpose in this story.

" Kyo-kun! Aren't you happy? What's it's name? What's it's gender?!" Tohru asked. " Is it a member of the JYUUNISHI?!"

…fine. I'm only pretending she asked that last part. I think even Tohru knows there is no goldfish in the Jyuunishi. But IF there was, hot damn! He'd be the coolest cursed person IN that bunch! Then again, how could a goldfish race, much less even MAKE it to the God's Banquet?

How could a SEAHORSE make it to the God's Banquet?

" I don't know." Kyo answered to all her questions.

" I'm not sure goldfish have genders." Yuki put in. HE wasn't jealous of the goldfish. If Yuki had a goldfish, he'd probably forget to feed it and it would die a slow, painful death.

" STUPID RAT! EVERYTHING has genders!" Kyo yelled, but not too loudly so he wouldn't upset the goldfish. Kyo didn't want it to fall or anything. He liked watching it swim around in circles for some reason.

" That's not true." Yuki answered and that's probably true.

" Oh yeah. I forgot about YOU." Kyo snapped, but didn't wait for Yuki to reply. He turned around and looked down at the little goldfish with a slightly obsessed look. He liked to watch it swim around and around and around…

" This is so stupid." Yuki sighed.

" I know! Let's name the goldfish Goldie!" Tohru exclaimed as if it were all that creative.

" No…" Said Kyo with fire in his eyes, " I'm naming him RATKILLER!"

" As if a GOLDFISH could kill a rat!" Yuki scoffed as if he were the expert on goldfish.

" If a rat fell into a POND a goldfish could kill a rat!" Kyo argued.

" It would not!"

" It WOULD!"

" Have you ever SEEN that happen?!" Yuki demanded.

" YES!" Kyo lied heatedly.

" Honda-san, I'm tired of this. Do you want to go get something to eat?" Yuki groaned as if the idiot with the goldfish were THAT tiring. Which he is. Poor Yuki!

" Yes! What would you like to go eat, Kyo-kun?" Tohru asked Kyo, who was watching Ratkiller swim around JUST like Figaro always watched Cleo. Except Kyo doesn't think of goldfish in THAT way.

" I don't WANT to eat with HIM!" Kyo yelled. " I'll just stay here!"

" Oh… okay…" Tohru said sadly.

" He just wants us to leave so he can eat the goldfish." Yuki remarked sarcastically as the two of them started to walk away.

" I do NOT!" Kyo yelled. " I would NEVER eat you…" He told the goldfish in a reassuring way as it just sort of glubbed about. He smiled and sat down so he could stare down into the bowl comfortably.

" You're the ONLY one who can understand me, Ratkiller." Kyo said with shinies in his eyes as the goldfish just sort of tried to eat the pebbles at the bottom of the fishbowl.

HOOONK!

" What do you want to do first, Haru?" Momiji asked Haru as they obliviously walked around like the fools they are.

" Hmm…" Haru said since it takes a lot of effort for him to put any thought into ANYTHING.

" I want to get my FACE painted!" Momiji yelled suddenly as if he had never asked Haru anything. " Come on! I saw some people getting their face painted just a second ago!"

" I don't know if I WANT my face to be any different than it is right now…" Haru said, stroking his chin reflectively. " I like it the way it is."

" Oh, HARU!" Momiji chuckled like… Kureno. " You can always wash it off later!"

" If I'm going to just wash it off later, what's the point of getting it painted in the first place?" Haru asked. THINK ABOUT IT! How many times when you were a child did you want to wear that crazy paint face for the rest of your life, and then you COULDN'T and your parents made you take a bath before you went to bed! ARGH!

" Because it's FUN!" Momiji said.

" Oh. Okay." Haru agreed, and followed Momiji over to the little facepainting booth where a bunch of silly people were getting their faces painted. All of those people stared at Haru and Momiji because they were SO beautiful, and then they left, and their parents told them they had to take a bath at the end of the day and they cried and cried.

" I'm getting my face painted like… A TIGER!" Momiji shouted so the whole wide world could hear.

" That's GRRRRRRRRRREAT!" Said the crazy face painter lady that isn't important enough to even have a name.

" What do you want to get your face painted like Haru?" Momiji asked Haru as they sat in their little booths and waited for the lady to get the paint ready.

" Hm… well, I wanted to get my face painted like a tiger, but you already chose it… I guess I was just too slow. AGAIN…" Haru murmured to himself in a dissapointed way.

" I'm sorry, Haru! Why don't you get your face painted like a cheetah?" Momiji tried helpfully.

" No…" Haru said after thinking about this for a few seconds. " I was looking forward to getting my face painted like a tiger so much that the idea of picking any animal other than that just seems demeaning."

" How about a PANDA?!" Momiji said enthusiastically.

" NO." Haru stated. " I HATE pandas."

" Oh…" Momiji frowned. Then he got a WONDERFUL idea! " How about I get a panda and YOU get a tiger?"

" No. Because if you were to get your face painted like a panda I would find you very offensive. And I don't want to get a tiger just because it was rejected by someone else." Haru then sighed as if sitting there in that face-painting booth was the most taxing thing he had ever been through in his whole life.

" Then what will you get?" Momiji asked Haru.

" How about a big red STAR?!" That random lady asked appearing out of nowhere.

" Okay." Said Haru because he didn't find anything remotely offensive about big red stars.

HOOO-Just kidding. Shigure and Ayame were STALKING Momiji and Haru! OOH! Those stalkers! FIENDS! NINCOMPOOPS!

" I WANT MY FACE PAINTED!" Ayame announced as they peered from the side of some random brick wall to watch Haru and Momiji get their faces painted.

" No. Be quiet and have some more cotton candy." Shigure said distractedly and gave Ayame a huge stick of cotton candy that he had bought for him.

" OKAY!" Ayame yelled, and ate the cotton candy happily. Considering how hyper he NORMALLY is, and considering the effects of cotton candy, it's safe to say he'll be in all caps lock mode for quite awhile.

' Heh-heh!' Shigure's voice came from off-screen even though his mouth wasn't moving. ' This is my chance to bring Black Haru out without Hatori getting onto me! I have to do everything in my power to offend him!'

" And what offends Haru more… THAN TRAFFIC LIGHTS!" Shigure shouted to the world as he pulled out one of those random children's play traffic lights from nowhere.

" WHY TRAFFIC LIGHTS?" Ayame asked curiously.

" You'll see… ever since he was a child, Haru and traffic lights did NOT mix." Shigure chuckled like Kureno to himself and recalled the time when Haru had been a wee lad and Shigure had been a young furling of a boy…

FLASHBACK

" Hey Haru! Let's play Traffic Lights!" Teenage Shigure said WAY too enthusiastically, so you just KNOW he's up to no good. He and Haru were at the park together because… they need to be for this flashback.

" Okay!" Little three year old Haru said after about four minutes.

" Alright… now remember, greenisgoyellowgokindofandredisstopokaygotitlet'sgo!" Shigure said at the speed of light and turned on the traffic light toy to green. Haru just blinked because he hadn't comprehended anything Shigure had said beyond 'Alright.'

" WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHY ARE JUST STANDING THERE?!" Shigure screamed at Haru, jabbing one of his fingers at the green light. Of course, Shigure had written green, red and yellow by each light, since he's colorblind and has to remind himself which is which. But don't worry, little Haru couldn't read. He was STILL confused!

" Uh…" Little Haru said and started to run as fast as he could, but then Shigure switched the light to yellow quickly.

" SLOW DOWN!" He bellowed at Haru, who was so startled that he tripped. He started to get up but then Shigure turned the light to red.

" DON'T MOVE! YOU IDIOT!" Shigure yelled like a drill sargent. And as SOON as Haru froze, he turned it back to green. " WHY ARE YOU JUST LAYING THERE?! GET YOUR REAR IN GEAR!"

And so the cycle of confusion continued until Haru got so confused that he fainted.

END FLASHBACK

" AH…THAT REMINDS ME OF THE TIME WE USE TO GIVE KYO CAKES WITH LEEKS IN THEM…" Ayame sighed with nostalgia.

" We were the BEST big cousins!" Shigure chuckled like Kureno. " Or not!"

" HEY LOOK! HERE THEY COME! HERE THEY COME!" Ayame exclaimed, jumping up and down as Momiji and Haru came walking from about seven centimeters away from them.

" Hi Shii-chan! Hi Aya!" Momiji waved obliviously.

" 'sup?" Haru said JUST like in the episode.

" Why, it's KISA AND HARU!" Ayame laughed like a fool. " What a surprise, running into YOU at the state fair!"

" Aya, that's Momiji. And we went to the state fair WITH them. But… in any case… GUESS WHAT HARU?!" Shigure suddenly yelled like a drill sargent and whipped out the traffic lights. " The light is on GREEN!"

" Maybe I should have gotten a GREEN star too…" Haru said wistfully, but unfortunately for him, the face painting booth had already exploded.

" WHY AREN'T YOU RUNNING?!" Shigure screamed.

" I don't feel like it. Sensei, I'm not FOUR anymore." Haru said in a mildly offended voice, as he admired his red star with by his reflection off his chains.

" ARGH! That's RIGHT!" Shigure said, slapping his forehead.

" Do you like my star?" Haru asked Ayame.

" Why, yes, Momiji, I think it's quite becoming!" Ayame answered obliviously.

" Aya, that's Haru." Shigure sighed.

" But you just said he was MOMIJI!" Ayame argued.

" THAT'S Momiji! THAT'S HARU!" Shigure said.

" OH…" Ayame said in a way that suggested he really didn't care.

" I'll just have to draw Black out in ANOTHER way! CATCH!" Shigure yelled all of a sudden and flung the traffic light toy at Haru's head. Luckily, Haru is a martial artist and everything, so he just dodged it.

" Hey… be careful. You could have hit my red star." Haru said with a little frown. Wow! I think we've found something Haru loves more than his chains!

" YOUR STAR IS STUPID! AND UGLY!" Shigure shouted desperately.

" That's what anyone who doesn't have it says." Haru said in an all-knowing voice.

" Why is Shii-chan acting weird?" Momiji asked.

" I don't know, Akito. I just don't know!" Ayame said, shaking his head.

HOOONK!

" PANT-world! Now I bet THERE'S a place you can find pants at!" Kureno chuckled foolishly as he and Hatori stared up at a large sign that said PANT-WORLD and had a picture of a pair of pants painted on it. Isn't alliteration FUN?!

Even thought Hatori agreed with this statement, he decided not to say so. He considered going into the store WITHOUT Kureno, but that crazy chicken probably would have gone off to find his flunky or something.

" Come on." Hatori said and they walked into Pant-World. Just so you know… Pant World doesn't REALLY exist. If you go to the North Dakota State Fair, or ANY State Fair for that matter, you are not going to find Pant-World. I'm sorry. That's just the way it is.

" Hello!" Said a big guy with glasses that was wearing pants. " My names Hagrid! How can I help you?" He then grinned at Hatori VERY happily.

Hatori suddenly became self-concious again over the fact that he was wearing shorts AND he was a seahorse. In another two seconds, he would have gotten over all this, but Kureno just HAD to go ahead and say what we all know needs to be said.

" He needs PANTS." Kureno stated as Hatori hung his head in shame.

" Pants? WHY? Those shorts are quite nice on you!" Hagrid said kindly.

" Huh. You're the ONLY one who thinks so." Kureno snorted vainly.

" Yeah… but I'd like to just buy a pair of jeans. Please." Hatori added quickly.

" I think you should wear the shorts! If you shaved your legs just a LITTLE, it would be even more splendid!" Hagrid said as if he hadn't heard what Hatori had said.

" No… I want the pants…" Hatori said in a voice that was starting to become just a little bit dangerous.

" Well, everybody WANTS the pants. That's why they come here. But sometimes you can't always GET the pants, capeesh?" Hagrid nodded, winking at Hatori.

"…what are you trying to say?" Hatori asked.

" Well, my one-eye-obscured-from-sight young friend, I'm afraid I've sold out of all my pants! They were so popular here that there's none left!" Hagrid laughed as if it were really that funny. Which it kinda is…

" WOO! Tough break, Hatori!" Kureno chuckled foolishly.

" You have to be kidding me. You don't have ANY pants left? Why the hell would you be called PANT-WORLD if you're just going to run out of pants?" Hatori demanded, voice becoming more and more heated as he spoke.

Hagrid just gave Hatori an uncomfortable look and shrugged. " It's not like I WANTED to run out of pants." He admitted.

" Oh. Oh, THANKS. That helps a LOT." Hatori said sarcastically, with a big fake smile.

" Your welcome! Have a good day!" Hagrid laughed heartily, and then his giant spider came and carried him and Pant-World off to the magical world of Harry Potter. And now you know what Hagrid does on his summer vacations! BOO-YAH!

" Look on the bright side…" Kureno said. " Oh… wait… there ISN'T a bright side! AT LEAST NOT FOR THE MABUDACHI TRIO! GWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

_I'll show you… _Hatori thought with a sort of desperate pant-needed fevor. _I'll show you all!_

HOOONK!

This would be the part about Kagura and Rin if we actually cared. Luckily…

We don't!

HOOONK!

Ritsu and Zack stood there awkwardly. Or at least, Ritsu did. Zack was just FINE with his surroundings, just like he always is! Whether he's in a tube, a moving truck, a reactor, or in court, Zack is always one COOOOL cat!

" So… what…do you like…?" Ritsu asked meekly.

" Drugs!" Zack said. " And my very original spiky black hair. Oh yeah… and my name! I mean… ZACK. Just say it. ZACK."

" Zack." Ritsu obeyed.

" It just doesn't get any better than that." Zack sighed, shaking his head with a winsome smile. " Noooo siree."

" I hate to ask you this, being just a very simple neglected monkey, but why did you want to be my State Fair buddy?" Ritsu asked.

" Because… you don't need a reason to help people." Zack said as he looked far off into the distance with a devil may care smile.

" WOW! Do you want to go eat Takoyaki with me?" Ritsu asked enthusiastically.

" WOULD I?" Zack replied and so the two of them walked happily into the sunset even though it's only noon. OH WELL!

" HEY! THAT'S MY LINE! NOT ZACK'S! MY LINE!" Zidane yelled.

Oh, Zack… EVERYONE wants to steal your identity!

OMAKE!

Wow… that took awhile. But we made it to the Omake! Obviously, I haven't found Carl yet, or I wouldn't be talking about NOT finding him. Anyway… Ayame-san! I got Volume Four, and BOY, did I get my fill of Ayame-san! I also got a lot of questions for him! Let's ask, SHALL WE?

Person: How do you manage your shop while you're on vacation?

Ayame: Mine does all the work for me, of course! Ohohoho (you should have known that! Ohohoho…)

Person: Can you make a dress for me?

Ayame: Of course! I would be happy to make a dress for you!

Hayley: Demo, you're fictional.

Person: Yuki and you are so bishy! Can you give me a signed autograph?

Ayame: GET IN LINE, GET IN LINE! (whips out the copies of signed autographs you just KNOW he has, and starts passing them out to everybody) And have this picture of Yuki in a dress too!

Yuki: I THOUGHT THAT WAS DESTROYED!

Hayley: (swat) LEAVE, YUN-YUN!

Person: Aya-san, Will you make a very sexy outfit for Shigure, then send me a picture of him wearing it? because... because... Your the greatest, Aya-san! I love you! Please?

Ayame: OKEY-DOKEY! (puts Shigure into a bondage outfit complete with leash)

Shigure: This is demeaning! I LIKE it!

Naria: Aya, is it true you're having an illicit love affair with the ALL POWERFUL Kuja? And if you're not, then would you? Huh? Huh? And are you and Shigure ONLY joking, if you know what I mean? Eh? winkwinknudgenudge YOU'RE PRETTY!!

Shigure: AYA! (gasp) You dare betray me?

Ayame: NEVER, GURE-SAN! (hugs) And no, we're not joking! Love is NO joke, kids!

Shigure: Don't do drugs!

Hayley: Since when is this GURE-SAN and AYA question time?! (boots Shigure off)

Ayame: (clueless grin) I'm pretty!

Person: Would you ever cosplay as Sesshomaharu from Inu-Yasha? I think you look like him?

Ayame: Why Sesshomaharu is my long lost brother that I have a gap with!

Hayley: That's YUKI!

Ayame: I know. I kid, I kid.

Person: Will I be on the question and answer?

Hayley: Uh… did you ask a question…?

Person: How did you keep your hair long in High School? KIDDING, KIDDING! Why'd you and Shigure put Hatori's pants in the freezer? HASN'T THE POOR MAN/SEAHORSE ENDURED ENOUGH?!?!?!?

Ayame: Oh, Tori-san… I too have discovered just how evil a freezer can be! Snakes and pants must unite to fight the threat of freezers!

Person: If you and Yuki could switch bodies for a week, would you?

Hayley: Heh-heh… that would be like, ' Help! I'm trapped in my idiot older brother's body!' Remember those books? Heh-heh… heh…

Ayame: Excuse me! I am not an idiot!

Hayley: Give me a hug.

Ayame: Okay! (hugs)

POOF!

Ayame: I am a snake.

Hayley: We can see that.

Now, wasn't that enlightening? And if it wasn't… WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?! GO AND ENLIGHTEN YOURSELF ELSEWHERE, THEN! GEEZ! As for me, I've got lots of homework I should be doing, but I sacrifice time for you! The people!

SOMEONE GIVE ME BISHY LOVE!

Wait… I know how to make myself feel better! (reads the Many Woes of Hatori) AHAHAHAHAHAHA! THAT'S better!

So, until next time… just remember…uh… do…whatever it is… you do…yeah… And ask that crazy horse Rin some questions, why doncha? Or not! Da-huck!

Ja!


	17. The Funky Chicken and Karoke!

Chapter 16

The Funky Chicken and Karoke

Once… there was a funky chicken. We do not know his first name, but his last name is Lombardi. We are not sure he has a middle name.

Lombardi should have been someone who was widely respected and admired. He could shoot a gun. He had cool shoes. He could pilot a ship and blow up big monkey heads. He sounded a lot like Tsume sometimes, and then a lot like some guy from Brooklyn at other times. But whatever he sounded like, he was definitely pretty bad-ass.

But Lombardi was not respected, because he was a chicken. A blue chicken. And when blue chickens do all these things, they just can't be given the same amount of respect a normal non-chicken would get. Especially when they say things like, ' Misshon Comprete!'

It got to the point where no one even wanted to hang out with him anymore. He became unpopular at work. Even that whiny frog started to ignore him. He began to feel purposely avoided. Suddenly, he wasn't in the new Gamecube game but the frog and the rabbit were. But not Lombardi. He was excluded.

Soon, people even forgot his name, and decided to call him ' The Funky Chicken.' Later, when they were informed that his name was not this and something else, the person would just shrug and say, " Funky Chicken is easier to remember." And thus, the name would stick.

Days went by… More and more, the people forget about how cool he had been when he shot his gun and flown his ship and spoke in his Tsume voice. Now they only remembered that he was blue and said ' Mission Comprete' and how they couldn't even remember his name so they called him Funky Chicken. He lost all coolness so that even if a new game came out and he was cool again in it, he would still be ridiculed as the Funky Chicken. Or maybe he would be excluded again and then rabbit and the frog would just be there again. And the only time he would be remembered is if at the dance, the Funky Chicken song would come on.

" Hey," some person would say, " Wasn't there a REAL Funky Chicken once?"

" Shut up, Floyd." That person's friend would say. But yes, Floyd. There IS a real Funky Chicken. And while he might have been something grand at one time, now he is only Funky Chicken. Whose last name is Lombardi. And supposedly no middle name.

…

" Wow. I can't believe it." Hatori said, looking at all the people that had actually came. " Everyone is here. I don't have to go find anyone."

ACTUALLY, Ritsu and Zack weren't there. But you know what? NOBODY noticed! HAHAHA! Maybe Hatori will notice later, but by then, he'll be POWERLESS to stop Ritsu from being missing! Besides, I bet Ritsu is having a LOT more fun with Zack than he would be with his forgetful Sohma family.

" Of course we're here! Where do you expect us to be? Running nilly-hilly all over the fair?" Ayame chuckled like Kureno, and slapped Hatori on the back. " I see you haven't found any pants for yourself, Tori-san!"

" WHAT? You STILL don't have any pants!" Shigure shouted so that the whole Karoke bar looked over to Hatori to see that he didn't have any pants. " Wow! I think this is the longest I've ever seen someone wear shorts!"

" You should see if there's a world record for this sort of thing!" Ayame added.

" I think you would WIN, Hatori-san!" Tohru exclaimed, thinking that she should try and ENCOURAGE him to follow his dream! Except it's not his dream. It's not ANYONE'S dream. Unless there's someone VERY strange out there.

Is it YOUR dream?

" Let's not talk about pants right now, okay?" Hatori sighed. He didn't want to talk about them because it depresses him. Nothings worse than a depressed seahorse wearing shorts in the karoke bar!

" YEAH! Let's talk about KYONKICHI'S goldfish!" Ayame agreed, as he pointed to the very back of the room where Kyo was holding Ratkiller in it's little fish bowl, and trying to look as if he didn't have a goldfish.

" Kyo got a GOLDFISH?" Everyone exclaimed but Tohru, Yuki and Ayame. Oh yeah. And Kyo. NOBODY expected Kyo to have a golfish! After all… he's the CAT!

" SO?!" Kyo yelled. " Can't I have a goldfish if I want to?!"

" I want a goldfish. How come I don't get a goldfish?" Haru whined as if he were the only person in the world who didn't have a goldfish. When Haru had been a kid, though, his parents hadn't GIVEN him pets. Why? Because he would forget to feed them and they would starve to death.

" Because you don't DESERVE a goldfish Haru!" Shigure laughed cynically, and then looked back at Kyo. " AWWWW… That is SO cute! Kyo-kun has a little friend!"

" SHUT UP! Don't make fun of me and Ratkiller, or ELSE!" Kyo yelled defensively, cradling Ratkiller's bowl against his chest. He has such a crazy, random attachment to that goldfish! Maybe it's because this is the first time Kyo has ever HAD a pet to call his own.

" That's right!" Kureno added, going to stand by his flunky. " This fish is the new mascot of the Lone Chicken and his flunky!"

" No he's not!" Kyo argued. " He's WAY too good to be a mascot for somebody stupid like you!"

" I refuse to believe a GOLDFISH is above me." Kureno scoffed, but everyone, even himself, knew it was true.

" Oh, Kyo-kun! This goldfish can be like our son! Or daughter!" Kagura gushed.

" Um… no." Kyo said. Hey. I was just thinking! How DO you tell goldfish genders? Do they even HAVE genders? Well, I know seahorse have genders. Hatori is a male seahorse. But want to know something CRAZY? The male seahorse is the one who gives birth to baby seahorses!

…what if Hatori got pregnant as a seahorse? Would they be CURSED Sohma Seahorses? Would they have a seahorse dance and banquet? When they bumped into seahorses off the opposite sex, would they transform? WHAT WOULD THEY TRANSFORM INTO?!

Anyway, back to the story.

" I want a goldfish too!" Momiji whined. Then he and Haru took up the chant of ' We want a goldfish, we want a goldfish!' No one else really wanted a goldfish. Maybe they've already HAD pets.

Like Ayame and Yuki's childhood pet, Hermie the Hermit Crab! Oh… the fun times they had with that hermit crab… I think this calls for another FLASHBACK!

FLASHBACK

" Alright, guys. This is your pet. I didn't spend much money on it because I'm too concerned with other, more IMPORTANT things than my children's happiness!" Ayame and Yuki's evil mother said and chucked a box with a little hermit crab in it at them.

" YAAAAAAY!" Yelled little Yuki and picked up the box and started shaking it around like a fool because he was just SO overcome with joy at that crazy hermit crab.

" A HERMIT CRAB? Like THAT'S a good pet." Twelve year old Ayame said because he was at a very sarcastic period in his life. If he had it HIS way he probably would have wanted a pet cricket! So he could EAT it! I kid, I kid.

" CRAB-SAN! CRAB-SAN!" Little Yuki shrieked with joy as he began bashing the plastic cage against the ground as the poor hermit crab prayed and prayed for the madness to end.

" Uh… Yuki, I don't think you should do that…" Ayame said and snatched the cage from Yuki to save the hermit crab. Then he placed the cage on the ground between them and they both stared at the cage obsessively since they had nothing better to do.

" Why doesn't it MOVE?" Little Yuki said, resisting the urge to shake the cage around again.

" Maybe it's dead." Ayame replied since he didn't really care.

" NOOOOOOOOOOO! CRAB-SAN!" Yuki started screaming as if that hermit crab had been his lifelong friend and companion, and he just couldn't find the strength to go on without good old Hermie by his side.

" I'm just kidding! Let's take him out." Ayame said quickly, and swiftly removed the crab from it's cage. Then he put it on the sidewalk and they stared at it again. It STILL wasn't moving.

" How do we get it to move?" Ayame wondered outloud.

" STEP on it!" Yuki suggested.

" Uh… no, I don't think so. This is boring. I'm going to walk away and neglect you and widen the gap between us." Ayame sighed and stood up and walked away, leaving Yuki and the hermit crab all alone.

Yuki promised himself that he would watch that hermit crab until it moved, so he spent about ten hours staring at it obsessively before he fell asleep, and the hermit crab crawled away and ESCAPED!

END FLASHBACK

" Okay… goldfish aside, we really should be thinking of what to do next." Hatori said. " Or is everyone ready to go home?"

" We JUST got here!" Everyone whined.

" Well, what else is there to do?" Hatori challenged because he really didn't want to be at the fair anymore. In all truth, he wanted to go HOME.

" Um, excuse me, we're sitting right in a Karoke bar!" Rin pointed out because she hasn't said anything. And this will probably be the only thing she says.

" That's right! I LOVE Karoke!" Ayame exclaimed because you just KNOW he does.

" So do we!" Said all the girls, EVEN Rin, because there's not a girl in the world that doesn't like Karoke. Especially me. If I didn't have school and a life, do you know what I'd be doing? I'd be right in that karoke bar with them! But unfortunately… I do. So you won't find me there.

" Yes… but I don't. And I know some of the more masculine people here also don't. So why don't we just take a vote on it?" Hatori asked. But you know what? Hatori wasn't PLANNING on taking any such VOTE! He was going to do a mock-vote, and then if they lost, he was just going to erase everyone's memories! ARGH! HATORI, YOU POO!

" Anyone who wants to karoke raise your hand! Come on! Get em up there!" Ayame yelled just like Veronica Taylor.

" YAAAAY!" Screamed the girls and all raised there hands.

That's three…

" Of course, ME!" Ayame yelled, raising two hands, but don't worry, it still only counted for one vote. See?

That's four…

" Me too! I can even sing my own song!" Momiji said.

Five…

And that's all the people that wanted to sing.

" Now, anyone who DOESN'T want to karoke." Hatori said meaningfully with a look towards the non-femine guys and Yuki.

"… I don't think I can sing." Said Haru and slowly raised his hand.

One.

" That's right, Haru! You would probably SUCK at it!" Shigure pointed out cheerfully and raised his hand. I don't really know WHY Shigure doesn't want to sing today. Because he's actually quite good at it. But maybe today is just a day he doesn't want to sing.

Two.

" I can't sing." Said Yuki even though I just KNOW he can because he's voiced by Kero-chan and Kero-chan can sing wicked good. But this time, even if a BILLION Yuki fanclub members asked him to, I don't think he would this time.

" YUKI! How come you won't sing with me? We can sing, ' Just the Two of Us!'" Ayame protested.

" NO." Said Yuki because there is nothing in this world he doesn't want to do more than sing ' Just the Two of Us' with Ayame.

" But this is our chance to strengthen our bond as brothers!" Ayame whined.

" I don't care." Said Yuki and raised BOTH his hands. OUCH.

Three.

" Tori-san, at least will you sing that song with me?" Ayame asked, with big teary eyes.

" No. And I never will. Never." He added again as soon as Ayame opened his mouth.

" Four."

" Do you even have to WRITE my response?" Kyo asked the author.

Uh… no. Five.

" Well," Said Hatori, throwing his hands up into the air, " There you have it, we won fair and square, now it's time to go home…"

" It was NOT. It was a tie." Kagura pointed out angrily. She REALLY wanted to sing for Kyo!

Hatori started to argue, but then he realized… DA-HUCK! It HAD been a tie! How had that happened? " There are eleven people here. So there has to be a tiebreaker. Who didn't vote?"

Everyone turned around to see Kureno sitting there and drinking chocolate milk randomly.

" The Lone Chicken doesn't HAVE to vote. The Lone Chicken is one and apart from the rest of you fools." Kureno scoffed, and then wiped away the chocolate milk mustache he had on.

Maybe they would have argued, but at this point everyone is tired of fighting with Kureno.

" Well, then, somebody change their vote so we can go home!" Kyo whined because he wanted to go home and give Ratkiller some nice, tasy FISH pellets!

" NO! SOMEBODY change so WE can karoke!" Ayame argued because he had his heart set on singing ' Just the Two of Us' with SOMEBODY.

" I WANNA GO HOME!" Kyo screamed at the top of his lungs.

" I bet Ratkiller-san wants to go home too, Kyo-kun, since you two are so alike!" Tohru pointed out stupidly. Yes. That's right. She even attaches –san to a GOLDFISH.

" Hey…" Said Hatori, " That's right Kyo. You and your goldfish are exactly the same."

" They're both ORANGE!" Momiji yelled obviously.

" I was JUST about to say that." Haru sighed and snapped his fingers.

" No… they both don't want to karoke. So let's go home." Hatori said, and started walking away.

" No he DOESN'T!" Ayame argued. " You don't know what a goldfish thinks!"

" Yes I do." Hatori said.

" He really does." Shigure added. " But HARU doesn't!"

" You don't have to rub it in." Haru sighed.

" Being the seahorse, Haa-san can speak to many oceanic creatures!" Shigure said.

" I'm the DRAGON." Hatori stated like the fool he is.

" You say Dragon, I say Seahorse." Shigure said sweetly.

" Well, what's that crazy goldfish saying RIGHT now?" Ayame demanded.

Hatori sighed and looked over to the goldfish. Yes, he really can speak to the goldfish. What can that man NOT do with his crazy seahorse powers?

( Hey… what's up?) Hatori asked the goldfish.

( Why, hello old chap, my name is HERBERT, and I-) The goldfish started to say in a british accent like Gatsby, but Hatori just cut him off.

" He says he wants to go home. Right now." Hatori lied to everyone.

" Really? I'm sorry Ratkiller." Kyo apologized to the goldfish. POOR Kyo. He doesn't know his goldfish is a big fat nerd.

" NO, he doesn't!" Ayame argued. " And you know what? Even if that goldfish DIDN'T want to karoke, which I sincerely doubt, it's not like I care about a goldfish's opinion anyway! I'm going to karoke whether you want me to or NOT!"

" Ayame, shut up and get over here." Hatori said.

" Okay!" Ayame said and walked over to Hatori and stood there like a statue.

" The Lone Chicken wants to karoke now." Kureno said, because he had finished his chocolate milk.

" ARGH!" Said Hatori. Okay, he didn't say argh. " Fine. FINE. Let's just go get this over with. But then we're going home and NO arguing about it this time, GOT IT?"

" Got it!" Everyone said.

" Good." Said Hatori.

" Why, HELLO! If it isn't the RUDE Squad again?" That Buddy Barn Guy greeted them at the door with a very fake happy face. " You know, I never get tired of you and your RUDENESS."

" …do you run the karoke bar too?" Hatori asked slowly.

" Why, YES." That Buddy Barn Guy continued in his hostile guy voice. " I do. Can't you read or do you need a pair of Buddy Barn Glasses?"

No, Hatori did NOT need a pair of Buddy Barn Glasses. He looked up and saw the sign that said Buddy Barn Karoke Bar, and then sighed and gave himself up to fate. Everyone cheered except for the people that didn't and piled into the little karoke room.

Now, I don't really know what they like, because as much as I like them, I've never actually been to one. I've only had the make it at home kind. But let me assure you, it was AWESOME. Just think of the most awesome karoke bar you've ever been to. Now think of it in North Dakota. Yeah. THAT'S IT.

If you've never been to a karoke bar, just think of… the stage that Chucky and his animatronic friends sing on at Chuckee Cheeses. There you go. And now I'm done describing silly things like this to you.

" That'll be a billion dollars." That Buddy Barn Guy said as soon as he had slammed the door behind them.

" What? Karoke shouldn't cost any money." Hatori said although that's not nesecarily true.

" Well, this isn't just karoke, Mr. Redundant." That Buddy Barn Guy scoffed like… Kureno? No? If you can think of someone That Buddy Barn Guy scoffs like, send it in a review, and I'll pick my favorite one and use it from then on! WOW! I have no life! Anyway…

" This isn't just karoke. It's karoke with the WORLD famous pop sensation, Reno." That Buddy Barn Guy said as if EVERYONE knew that. I mean, YOU knew that, didn't you? You READ my other fanfic with Shoopuf Dude, right?

RIGHT?!

" This love is taking it's TOLL on me, she said GOODBYE, too many times BEFOAH…" Reno sang in an annoying yet catchy voice from the stage or whatever in front of them as a million people sang along so his singing was drowned out.

" Well I didn't know about this 'Reno' guy, and I have no desire to hear him sing." Hatori said with his arms crossed.

" GASP!" Said the millions of Reno fans and… exploded. Which is good because… come on, think about it… a million people in one room?

" Oh, you better not have just cheated me out of a billion dollars, Buddy Boy!" Reno yelled, and took out his nightstick that doubled as a microphone.

" Whoops… gotta run!" That Buddy Barn Guy said, and hastily whipped out his magical orcarina and transported off to wherever it is Buddy Barn Guys go.

" Come back here and live in my pyramid of PAIN!" Reno shouted.

" Can we KAROKE now?" Kagura whined.

" Yes… just get it over with…" Hatori groaned.

And now… the karoke portion of the chapter! It'll be seperated into performances! No, you don't get to decided who sings what. Only I get to decide that. If you don't know the song they're singing, you're a fool who needs to listen to more music.

Now… let's get this party started!

GOO GOO BA JOO!

" Alright, Kagura, you're first up." Said Ayame since he had made himself in charge of things like that.

" WHAT? The Lone Chicken wanted to go first!" Kureno gasped over-dramatically.

" Kyo-kun… this ones for you! And the next one and the next one and the next one…" Kagura repeated over and over.

" GET ON WITH IT!" Everyone yelled.

Guess what Kagura sang? She sang 'Lovefool' by the Caridgans. Unfortunately, the whole time she sang it, Kyo was obsessing over the goldfish instead. OH WELL! If you don't know how Lovefool goes, it's the song that has the chorus that goes, " LOVE ME! LOVE ME! SAY that you love me!"

Come on, EVERYONE knows that song.

GOO GOO BA JOO!

The next song was a truet (is that even a word?) between Tohru, Kagura, and Momiji, who all sang, ' Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.' Yes, Momiji isn't a girl, but Rin doesn't really wanna have fun. And after all, Momijis just wanna have fun.

GOO GOO BA JOO!

This time, Rin got up and sang that crazy ' I'm a Bitch' song, because it's about mysterious mood changes, JUST LIKE HER! Oh, that mysterious Rin! I bet she's so mysterious that none of you ever have HEARD that song before!

" I wanted to sing I'm a Bitch!" Kureno whined.

" But you're not." Hatori said.

" I'm Akito's Bitch." Kureno pointed out.

" Whatever." Said Hatori.

GOO GOO BA JOO!

" I wanna sing now!" Kureno whined.

" NO! I am going to sing ' Just the Two of Us' with SOMEBODY, and I'm gonna do it now!" Ayame declared, and then dragged Hatori up there, who went right back down to sit down as soon as he was dragged onto the stage. So then Ayame sang with the janitor, who was feeling kind of left out.

GOO GOO BA JOO!

" NOW I will sing." Kureno declared.

" FINE!" Everyone yelled at him.

" Flunky, come back me up with a funky voicebox beat!" Kureno ordered as soon as he got onto the stage.

" NO!" Kyo shouted because he didn't have a voicebox beat. Even if he IS Tomokazu Seki.

" Fine." Kureno chuckled foolishly. " Then I'll just begin."

" ' Oh, how many miles must a chicken,

Walk before he is called a chicken.

And how many skies must a chicken fly,

Before the chicken can rest in the sand?

And how many chickens,

Must fly before they're banned?

The answer, my chicken,

Is blowing in the chickens.'"

…

" That is NOT how the song goes!" Kyo screamed because that song had offended him oh so much and Kazuma had used to sing it to him when he had been a young furling of a boy.

" What? Blowing in the Chickens? By Bob Chicken?" Kureno replied innocently.

" THAT'S NOT WHAT IT'S CALLED!"

" Those are the lyrics."

" They are not! You just replaced everything with CHICKEN!" Kyo shrieked in agony.

" I did NO such thing, flunky." Kureno scoffed like (HURRY!) and went to go sit down. " Chuh! Not the lyrics to Blowing in the Chickens. I NEVER!"

" ARGH!"

GOO GOO BA JOO!

" Now it's time for the Mabudachi Trio song!" Ayame said as he and Shigure stood there while holding Hatori in place as he desprately tried to squirm away. Kyo and Yuki didn't sing, because if you REALLY wanted to hear them sing, you'd just go download a Shuuichi from Gravitation or a Sailor Mercury song. Kyo and Yuki respectively.

" Hoo-RAY!" cheered everyone because there's nothing like the Mabudachi Trio doing karoke.

" Alright! LETSU A GO!" Shigure yelled. And then they proceeded to sing a song which I will not put the name to, because it is embrassing. But it is done by a Irish band called Cranbo, and I love it even if it's very strange.

" I got the CAR!" Ayame shouted as the rock and roll music played in the background.

" I got the KEYS!" Shigure yelled enthusiastically as he hopped around the stage.

Then there was silence where Hatori's line was supposed to be since he was just standing there like a fool.

" I got the LOVE, I GOT THE ROCK 'N ROLL DISEASE! YEAH!" Ayame and Shigure screamed WAY too enthusiastically and started jumping around the stage like a bunch of hooligans playing crazy air guitar. And we will not discuss the chorus, because it too is embarassing.

Then the second verse came.

" I got the SAUCE!" Ayame yelled.

" I got the CHEESE!" Shigure added. (My this song is appropriate.)

Then there was another silence in which Hatori DON'T got the hamburger. I guess he doesn't got NUTHIN' today.

" I got the LOVE, I GOT THE ROCK 'N ROLL DISEASE!" Ayame and Shigure shouted again, then air guitared themselves to the point of no return, then collapsed very tired but very happy on top of each other.

" That's it. I'm not hanging out with you guys anymore." Hatori said like the insecure short wearing man he is.

But Ayame and Shigure were already ignoring him and singing the ' I Will Love You' song from Moulin Rouge in overly dramatic, off-key voices to each other.

Isn't karoke FUN?

GOO GOO BA JOO!

"… I want to sing." Haru said just as everyone had started to get ready to leave.

" HARU!" Everyone yelled.

" I should get a chance to sing too." Haru argued stubbornly.

" BUT WE DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOU SING! YOU SUCK!" Shigure screamed.

" Give it a break, Shigure. Haru… just make it quick." Hatori groaned.

" Ratkiller's hungry!" Kyo yelled.

Haru nodded and took about fifteen minutes to find his way onto the stage. Then he took the microphone and started singing in the most monotonus voice EVER.

"…feelings…oh, feelings…"

" BOOOOO!" Everyone screamed. No one wanted another five minutes of that.

Haru froze and looked down. And when he looked up… his pupils… were SMALLER!

" I DON'T GIVE A DAMN BOUT MY BAD REPUTATION!" Black Haru screamed as he began running and jumping and screaming around the stage as the music blared furiously in the background. " THE WORLDS IN THE TROUBLE AND THERE'S NO COMMUNICATION! SO WHY SHOULD I CARE BOUT A BAD REPUTATION?!"

" It's Black Haru!" Shigure cheered.

" NOT ME! OH NO NO NO!"

" BLACK has descended…" Said everyone in the room including the janitor.

" NOT MEEEE!"

" Hey… that cat can really SANG!" Reno remarked as he walked randomly into the room.

" NO I CAN'T!" Kyo yelled.

"…huh?" Said Reno.

Oh goodness! What will happen now that Black Haru has emerged? Well… you'll just have to wait until NEXT TIME! I've pulled another cliffhanger!

Goo Goo Ba Joo?

OMAKE!

Howdy howdy howdy! I'm Woody! Um… anyway, I finally got a Livejournal! Wanna read it? Wanna be my friend? I'm under the user of shoopufalias, so look it up and read about my very sad life! Oh yeah, and anyone who read Does It Worry You To Be Alone, I'm working on the prequel so be PATIENT! PATIENCE I SAY!

Rin actually GOT a question! I'm flabbergasted like a penguin in a pumpkin patch! DA-HUCK!

Person: Why are you so moody?

Rin: I AM NOT MOODY! YOU KNOW WHAT?! YOU'RE AN ASS!

Person: Do you have some sort of sexy mystery you need Haru to solve?

Rin: What is THAT supposed to mean? And it's not like Haru would even GET that sexual innuendo. He can't even get the jokes in Highlights for Kids magazines.

Haru:… I can too…

Hayley: BACK, MENTALLY CHALLENGED COW! (boot)

Naria: Rin… just WHO are YOU? And were those batteries just for your palm pilot?

Rin: I'm Rin! The Horse of course! HEE HAW!

Rin: Hey! That was Hayley, not me!

Hayley: Why, I never! And the batteries are not only for the palm pilot, they're for Shii-chan's gameboy that he plays BEHIND the scenes!

Naria: And a question for Hagrid: Why torture Hatori by taunting him with PANT-WORLD? What did the seahorse do to you?! Can't a sea creature have sufficient leg-wear?! Or did you wanna make him SO mad that he'd turn into a seahorse so you could capture him, put him in your menagerie, and show him to your Care of Magical Creatures class?

And as a special guest on the Omake, we have Hagrid! Or… some guy that looks like Hagrid!

Bigfoot: GRAWWER! BIGFOOT NO LIKE PANTS! BIGFOOT LIKE SEAHORSE!

… Brock?

Brock: Yes?

Bigfoot is NOT a replacement for Hagrid.

Brock: Oh. Can he be a replacement for Carl?

…no.

Anyway…

Person: What the hell is a palm pilot?

Hayley: I had the SAME question when somebody kindly explained it was like an electronic planner you put information into. WOW! AIN'T TECHNOLOGY SOMETHIN'?

Bigfoot: NO!

Rin: STOP ANSWERING MY QUESTIONS!

Person: How could you break my precious Haru's heart like that?

Rin: It's something YOU wouldn't understand!

Hayley: That's not a good enough answer! That's it! We're going to the glue factory… and YOU'RE not coming!

Rin: You stole that joke from The Simpsons.

Hayley: (bitch slap) Now get out of my sight, Haru Heartbreaker!

Oh yeah! We got a very special question from somebody.

Person: Is this a question?

Why, this question is so SMART and INTERESTING that I think I'll let Bigfoot answer it!

Bigfoot: ARGH!

That sums my feelings up exactly. As usual, if you see Carl, trap him in a pair of pants and deliver him to me with PRETTY stamps! Also, send your questions to the LONE CHICKEN next time! WHOO! Go Lone Chicken, GO!

Um… can someone get Bigfoot out of here now? I think he just ate Brock…

Ja!


	18. The Kiss of LIFE!

Chapter 17

The Kiss of LIFE!

"Darn! Black Haru isn't listening to me! HEY! BLACK HARU! WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?!" Shigure called for the billionth time to Haru who wasn't listening and was trashing all of the karoke equipment like an insane maniac.

"SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE POUND PUPPY! I'LL TALK TO YOU WHEN I DAMN WELL FEEL LIKE TALKING TO YOU!" Black Haru yelled as he kicked a hole into the wall.

"Haa-san? Did you hear that? He called me a Pound Puppy!" Shigure complained with teary eyes to Hatori who was sitting next to him smoking a ciggarette. Yes. None of those lazy Sohmas are actually TRYING to stop Black Haru's wrath. They're just sitting there and letting it happen!

"You are a pound puppy. And a member of the STUPID Mabudachi Trio." Kureno scoffed like Carson. (Thank you crazy Kuja-loving person!)

"I have NEVER been to the pound. Only to jail. Three times." Shigure replied proudly.

"SACRE BLEU!" That Buddy Barn Guy yelled, because he had just walked into the room to see Black Haru breaking EVERYTHING in the room. "What are you all doing to my KAROKE BAR?!"

"Uh..." Said all the Sohmas and Reno.

"And you! Reno! Why are you still here?!" That Buddy Barn Guy demanded.

"Yeah... this is a FRUITS BASKET fanfic! Not a TURKS one!" Shigure exclaimed scoldingly.

MY HEAVENS! You two are right! What is that pop sensation doing here? Well, that's it! Get out, Reno, GET OUT! And you! Crazy Fruit Bat Turned Regent Cid! Yeah, I see you. GET OUT NOW!

"Won't ANYBODY help me?" Poor Regent Cid mumured as he flapped his way dejectedly out of the room.

"Now... I want that crazy teenager out of my Karoke bar NOW! And I want the rest of you too! I'll give you AN HOUR, and if you aren't gone by the time I've come back, I'll show you a side of That Buddy Barn Guy that you'll wish you've NEVER seen!" That Buddy Barn Guy promised shaking a threatening fist at them, and then whipped out his magical orcarina and transported off to wherever it is Buddy Barn Guys go... for an HOUR.

Now, no one really wanted to see a side of That Buddy Barn Guy they haven't already seen, since the Sohmas have actually gone and seen his BAD side, which is extremely rare. That Buddy Barn Guy almost NEVER shows his bad side! In fact, I didn't even know he HAD a bad side until this story came along!

"Well, how do we normally stop Black Haru?" Hatori asked everyone.

"We KILL him!" Kureno yelled and hit the table with his fist.

"No we don't." Everyone said.

"And then bring him back to life!" Kureno continued as if no one had even said anything.

"Usually someone just knocks him out." Momiji supplied.

"Okay." Hatori said, taking action. "Yuki, go knock him out."

"Black Haru never wants to fight me. He just wants to grope me." Yuki replied, wishing that he had some CHEESE. Which doesn't really have anything to do with what's happening. He just wants some cheese. OKAY?!

"Point taken. Okay, Kyo. You're up." Hatori said, pointing to Kyo who was keeping a tender, maternal watch over Ratkiller.

"WHAT?! NO! If I were to die, who would take care of Ratkiller?!" Kyo exclaimed indignantly.

"... who else knows the martial arts?" Hatori asked. Of course, the Mabudachi Trio don't know any. Why? I'm not sure. You think they COULD have...

"I do. But I'm afraid I'm too gentle and kindhearted to ever cause any harm to anyone." Kagura exclaimed as if that were true.

"I could NEVER hurt Haru even though I've done it a million times!" Rin protested.

"Never fear! The LONE CHICKEN will take battle with that raging bull! Using SEXY NIN-CHICKEN-FUU!" Kureno declared as he rose from the table and yanked off a bright red tablecloth. Everyone started to stop him since they realized Black Haru would probably kill him, then they thought harder about that outcome and decided to be quiet.

"Hey you! COW FULL OF RAGE!" Kureno yelled as he stepped onto the stage bravely.

"HOW DARE YOU CALL ME THAT, CHICKEN LITTLE?!" Black Haru screamed.

"My name is Kureno Sohma. You killed my father. Prepare to die." Kureno said JUST like the most awesome guy ever from the Princess Bride, and whipped out the tablecloth. "TORO! TORO!"

Black Haru just stared at the tablecloth blankly.

"TORO! TORO!" Kureno continued to yell foolishly, as he waved the tablecloth around.

Black Haru took the tablecloth and tied it around Kureno's head and then kicked him off the stage. "NEXT?!" He called angrily.

"The world has gone dark! Help me, flunky! Help the Lone Chicken!" Kureno called as he stumbled around the room. But Kyo was too obessed with his goldfish to do anything to help Kureno.

"Great. It's too bad Ritsu isn't here. He could probably apologize Haru into submission." Hatori sighed.

"OH! I have an idea!" Ayame yelled, waving one hand in the air like a fool.

"ME TOO!" Kureno echoed in a muffled voice as he writhed around on the ground.

"What's your idea Kureno?" Hatori asked because even if Kureno was a crazy fool, he made more sense than Ayame did most of the time.

"Let's get this tablecloth off my head!" Kureno suggested as if it were the best idea in the world.

"Ayame?" Hatori said.

"Why don't you just ERASE the fact that Haru is Black Haru right now from his memories? Because if he doesn't REMEMBER being Black Haru, then he can't BE Black Haru!" Ayame exclaimed, hoping that Hatori would approve of his plan so he could BRAG about it and look confident! And also because he wants to please Hatori. Because he is Hatori's bitch.

In some sort of CRAZY way... Hatori realized that Ayame was making sense! "That just might work..." He murmured, stroking his chin sagefully.

"I'M A GENIUS! PRAISE ME TORI-SAN! PRAISE ME!" Ayame cheered, jumping up and down.

"Shut up. Everyone just stay back so I don't accidently erase your memories too." Hatori said as Ayame automatically shut up and sat down. Then Hatori rose and started to painstakingly make his way up onto the Karoke stage.

"HATORI!" Shigure cried suddenly in the most dramatic voice possible.

"What?!" Hatori snapped, jumping about five feet into the air.

"You KNOW..." Said Shigure, "You could be a member of the MIB, and you wouldn't even need a neuralizer! You'd be the ULTIMATE agent! Agent H!"

"Would you just SHUT UP?" Hatori said dangerously because he could NOT believe Shigure had just interrupted him to tell him he could be a member of the Men in Black.

"Well... you wear shorts. I don't think they'd let you in..." Shigure murmured to himself thoughtfully.

Hatori decided to never listen to a word Shigure ever said again in his whole life and continued up onto the stage. Black Haru stopped from whatever BLACK HARUISH thing he was doing and stared at Hatori.

"YOU THINK YOU CAN TAKE ME ON... HATORI?!" Black Haru yelled after pausing for a second after he said that first part, because he was trying to think of something insulting and demeaning to call Hatori's Zodiac form, but of course you can't be any MORE sad if you ARE a seahorse who is sad even if it isn't been insulted. So he just said Hatori.

"Just hold still for a minute." Hatori said, and aimed his hand at Haru.

"LIKE I'D FALL FOR THAT OLD TRICK!" Black Haru cackled insanely.

"Well, he does when he's normal Haru." Shigure observed and everyone nodded.

"I need a distraction to keep him still." Hatori called out to those unhelpful Sohmas.

"I know! TOHRU! TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF!" Ayame yelled as if it were the greatest idea in the world.

"NO WAY!" Kyo and Yuki screamed, and just for a change of things, HATORI screamed it too!

"Eh? EHHHH?!" Tohru yelled, even though I'm sure if there was a good enough reason, you just might convince her to take her shirt off.

"Or even better YET..." Ayame said suddenly, already forgetting about his other idea, " Yuki! YOU take your shirt off!"

"NO!" Yuki yelled.

"Of course! That would work! Aya, you're just FULL of great ideas today!" Shigure exclaimed, patting Ayame on the head. "If Yuki flashed Black Haru, he would come to a stop, distracted by the shininess of Yuki's hairless chest!"

"SHUT UP! I'M NOT FLASHING HARU!" Yuki yelled, and slammed his fist down on the table and got up to leave but then he remembered he had no one to take him home, so he just sat down quietly.

"Wait... no flashing?" Black Haru asked since he had been listening to the whole thing. I mean, COME ON. He's not deaf to you guys talking about him or anything.

"NO!" Yuki screamed.

"Aww..." Said the whole world.

"I KNOW! LET'S SING TOGETHER!" Momiji exclaimed. "Crazy Bus, Crazy Bus! Riding on the Crazy Bus! Riding up and riding down, riding around the crazy town! Happy, zooey, nakkie, looey..."

"Make it stop! MAKE THE HAPPINESS STOP!" Black Haru yelled in agony as he fell to the ground and started writhing about in vain attempts to block the song out by covering his ears. I cannot imagine Black Haru being able to stand that song. I know that that song is HURTING Kyo, Rin, and Hatori's ears, but to Black Haru it must sound like nails on a chalkboard.

"Momiji. Keep singing." Hatori said as he walked closer to Black Haru.

"High as a plane or BALLOONEY! CRAZY BUS, CRAZY BUS, RIDING ON THE CRAZY BUS! ...BUS." Momiji ended in an overly dramatic voice.

JUST as he finished, Hatori grabbed Haru really fast and put his hand over Black Haru's face. I'm not really sure if this is ALWAYS how Hatori erases people's memories, but this is how I see him do it ALL the time, so I'm just putting it THIS way.

Oh wait! He erased Kureno's with just a flash of light! But I can't just go and contradict myself now! NO! THE IRONY OF HATORI'S SEAHORSE POWERS! Oh well.

"Wait a minute!" Shigure yelled since he had foolishly waited until the last second to think about this. "You might erase Black Haru's knowledge of his SECRET!" Then Shigure jumped forward in super slow motion to stop Hatori. But since Hatori was all the way across the room, Shigure just tripped over the top of the table and laid there limply.

"Well, now that THAT'S over with..." Hatori said briskly, slapping his hands together for no reason. But JUST as he said that, Haru sprang up and glomped him.

"HAA-CHAN!" He yelled in a super FAB voice that would have made any Olympics Athlete run for his life except for that one with the little head and the squeaky voice. "KYUUUU!"

"HARU! What the hell is wrong with you?" Hatori demanded as Haru hung to him like a very dependent baby sloth.

"I LOVE YOU! You're so fun!" Haru giggled. "HEY, LOOK! You're wearing shorts! That is SOOO retro!"

"Um... what's wrong with Haru?" Momiji asked in a very small voice, because he was feeling very threatened. BUBBLY is Momiji's game. NOT Haru's.

"PINK has descended..." Everyone said as an ominous fluffy pink cloud surrounded them.

"KAROKE! I LOVE Karoke! ' If you wanna be my lovah, you gotta get with my FRIENDS!'" Pink Haru starting singing, and winked and pointed at everyone suggestively. "Make it last forever, FRIENDSHIP NEVER ENDS!"

"HEY!" Momiji yelled. It's MOMIJI'S job to be disgustngly FLAMBOYENT and sing songs that were popular when you were in fourth grade. "Stop that!"

"I really really really really wanna zigazig AH..." Pink Haru said.

"Wait. Why is there a Pink Haru?" Yuki inquired.

WELL! CHUH! You don't think Haru just has ONE other personality, do you? COME ON! Haru has more emotions than boring loser and EVIL loser! He's got all SORTS OF LOSER COWS IN THERE!

"... I was asking everyone else..." Yuki murmured.

"HEY! I KNOW! Let's go watch CIRCLE OF FRIENDS!" Pink Haru exclaimed, and clapped his hands together.

"NO." Said Hatori even though he holds that movie very, very dear to his heart. "We aren't. You need to turn back to REGULAR Haru."

"I AM regular Haru! I'm EXTRA-REGULAR. I'm FAB! Fab fab fabby!" Pink Haru exclaimed with nauseating flowers and sparklies in the background.

"Hey, Pink Haru! What's your secret?" Shigure called because he didn't mind this change in Haru.

"What? Secret? Oh! That's so embarassing! I couldn't tell you THAT secret!" Pink Haru giggled. "Shii-chan, you're so naughty!"

"What? That you're ridiculously GAY?" Kyo muttered while he shielded the little fishbowl from whatever threat he had decided against in his little kitty head.

Pink Haru took this as a cue to SING, because he takes everything as a cue to sing."I feel PRETTY... OH, SO PRETTY... I feel pretty, and witty, and-"

"HEY!" Ayame yelled. " BACK OFF, buddy, that's AYAME'S song!"

"No. I don't think this one knows the secret either. NEXT!" Shigure called from a loudspeaker and a director's chair he had gotten from nowhere. Hatori turned around and gave him a strange look.

"Shigure. We are not going through all of Haru's personalities just to find out some stupid secret."

"MEMORIES... ALL ALOOONE IN THE MOONLIGHT..."

"TORI-san! Haru's singing all my songs!" Ayame whined.

"Sing with me, Kyo-chan!" Haru exclaimed enthusiastically.

"NO!" Said Kyo. "Why would I? Just because I'm a cat you think I like that STUPID musical?!"

Well... of course Kyo likes it! He's the CAT! And his favorite song is ' Skimble Shanks the Railway Cat'! He doesn't like Gus, but then again... WHO DOES?!

"There's only one thing for us to do..." Shigure said appearing from nowhere at Hatori's side and stroking his chin. "And that's to go through Haru's one by one until we find out the SECRET!"

"Or keep trying till we get the real Haru back." Hatori corrected since that's what he intended to do.

"What? The REAL Haru? Why would you want HIM back? He's so boring." Shigure said disdainfully.

Hatori ignored Shigure and turned to Pink Haru. "Hey Haru. Think fast."

"I CAN'T!" Haru started to say since it's something he just can't do, when there was a FLASH of light and Haru fell back onto the ground as if he had been hit by a bolt of LIGHT-NIN! If you're wondering why the flash didn't erase Shigure's memories it's because he has sunglasses on.

Yes, I KNOW Hatori doesn't have sunglasses on. But it's not like he could erase his OWN memories. Unless... he can? I wonder... would Hatori really be fool enough to erase his own memories? Could he do it if he WANTED to? But then again, Hatori's the kind of guy to say, That's the LOSER'S way out! ARGH! I can never figure out that crazy seahorse!

"Wake up, whichever color Haru you are!" Shigure exclaimed, jumping around Haru who was lying there numbly.

"Haru? Are you white again?" Hatori asked. When there was no reply, he walked up to Haru and shaked him. "Haru? Haru?"

Haru blinked and stared up at Hatori. Then his eyes bulged out and he screamed like Homer Simpson and began running around the room like a fool, screaming over and over again.

"Hatori! Your shorts are intimidating him!" Shigure scolded.

"Shigure, this is obviously Yellow Haru." Hatori sighed as Yellow Haru yelled and started running to random corners of the room to hide in, all the while screaming like Homer Simpson.

"Haru, it's okay. No one wants to hurt you." Hatori called in a nice voice. "I just want to make everything okay."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Yellow Haru yelled and started slamming himself against the wall as if this were a good plan of escape.

"Hatori. Stop right there. You're only going to scare him MORE." Shigure sighed disdainfully. "You have to let a REAL grownup take care of this. Where's Kureno?"

Everyone looked around and then realized Kureno had passed out onto the floor after being suffocated by the red tablecloth a long time ago.

"I'm the only real grownup here, and you know it." Hatori said in an offended voice, and then hopped off the stage and starting walking towards Haru. "Hey, Haru? It's okay. Quit yelling. Do you want a Mentos?"

The sight of Hatori speaking in a creepy nice voice and pulling a box of Mentos out of his shorts was just too much for poor Yellow Haru. He screamed until his face turned blue and then he fainted.

"Darn! I didn't get to ask THAT Haru if he knew the secret!" Shigure pouted.

"He'd probably be too scared to tell you anything anyway." Hatori replied.

And so they went through Haru after Haru. Purple Haru, who was extremely brave and tried to save everyone from nothing at all. Then there was Green Haru, who loves to tend to plants and flowers. You could also call him YUKI! HARDY-HAR-HAR! Okay. You couldn't. Then there was Blue Haru who was extremely depressed.

But NONE of these Haru's could tell Shigure what the secret was!

"WHY NOOOOOT?" Shigure whined.

And then they transgressed from the COLORED Haru's to the oddly named Haru's. There was Butch Haru, Sissy Haru, Nerd Haru, Bubba Haru, Stylin' Haru, the Haru that voted for Clay Aiken, the Haru who voted for Rueben Studdard, Groundhog Haru, Secretly Bloodthirsty Haru, and Not-so-secretly Bloodthirsty Haru.

After they had shot Not-so-secretly Bloodthirsty Haru with a tranquilizer gun, everyone sighed and took a deep breath. "Why don't we just tie him up and DRAG him home?" Kyo wanted to know. "I have to feed Ratkiller!"

"Here. Feed him this." Ayame said boredly, and shoved a bag of Ruffles at Kyo.

"Goldfish DON'T eat Ruffles." Kyo said, staring at Ayame as if he were the stupidest person in the world.

"Ruffles is the MOTHER of all potato chips." Ayame said but didn't follow up with anything after that.

"It is not. It's the FATHER." Lied Chronic Liar Haru who had sat up and began lying out of nowhere. Everyone turned around and blinked at him. See, Chronic Liar Haru is JUST like regular Haru, except Chronic Liar Haru is smart, while Haru is dumb. But see, because he lies so much, Chronic Liar Haru looks dumb too, so often he goes unoticed and mistaken for normal Haru.

"...Haru? Is that you?" Hatori asked, relieved because he was almost of of MP for his magical seahorse powers.

"Yes." Chronic Liar Haru lied.

"Darn! Now I'll never know that secret! The closest I got was Groundhog Haru telling me that spring would come early this year!" Shigure said, snapping his fingers.

"Huh. That groundhog knows NOTHING." Ayame scoffed like Carson.

"I know the secret." Chronic Liar Haru lied, who we now will refer to as CL Haru because it's easier on my hands. And now, for something you've all been waiting for! Haru's secret! That's right! CL Haru WAS the one who started the secret thing! But guess what? Since everything he says is a lie, there ISN'T actually a secret! He just decided to lie that there was one, and so it's been carried this far! What's this? Yes, that was CL Haru in the first chapter, and not REGULAR Haru. He was just tricking all you poor readers and Shigure!

"WHAT IS THE SECRET?!" Shigure screamed, and if he were anyone but Shigure he would have pullen his hair out.

"Rekcus." CL Haru lied.

"REKCUS? REKCUS?" Shigure exclaimed, and then went off into a corner saying in a puzzled voice, "HMMM... Rekcus..." That poor Shigure. NOW he'll probably spend the rest of his life trying to figure out what sucker is backwards.

"Was that really worth baiting him for so long?" Hatori wanted to know.

"Yes." CL Haru lied.

" I guess you just wanted to get Shii-chan back for all the times he's ridiculed you in public!" Momiji chuckled like Kureno.

" No... I wouldn't want to do something like THAT." CL Haru lied and shook his head.

" Can we go home now?" Yuki asked. " I want to leave before That Buddy Barn Guy gets back."

" Ratkiller is starving to death! Look at him! He's practically getting skinnier by the SECOND!" Kyo yelled at all of them angrily. No one bothered to point out to him that goldfish don't really lose weight or get skinny. I mean, have YOU ever seen a skinny goldfish? It's not like there's ANOREXIC goldfish out there.

Are there anorexic animals? What about anorexic monkeys? I'M SO CURIOUS NOW I CAN'T STAND IT! DARN YOU FRUITS BASKET AND YOUR ANOREXIC, STARVED GOLDFISH! ARGH!!!

" Speaking of going into a more and more dangerous state of being by the second..." Hatori said in a way that would probably make you chuckle like Kureno, " I think we should wake up Kureno now."

Everyone turned around and looked at the unconcious Kureno with the tablecloth tied around his head. Just so you know, he's not dead or anything. He's just comatose. I know. BIG DISSAPOINTMENT. I know.

" Why do we have to wake up that bastard? Just leave him there." Kyo scoffed like Carson and stroked his fishbowl affectionately. Hey! Maybe Kyo should get an I love RATKILLER shirt! Maybe I should get an I love Ratkiller shirt! Because I REALLY do!

" Now, Kyo. Being the CAT you don't understand that all of the members of the Jyuunishi ALWAYS have to look out for each other." Ayame said with an overbearing sigh.

" No you don't! You guys are ALWAYS fighting!" Kyo argued.

" Oh, sure. ' Fighting.' Like we EVER do that." Ayame chuckled like Kureno.

" I've never had a fight in my WHOLE life!" Tohru exclaimed. And I doubt you ever will.

"Alright. Who wants to unravel the tablecloth off Kureno's head?" Hatori asked in a voice that suggested he didn't think there was anyone in the world who wanted to do that. When they all stared at him, he sighed and said, "I THOUGHT as much."

"What if he's just waiting for someone to touch him so he can strike? I think Kyonkichi better do it." Ayame said doubtfully, munching on his Ruffles.

"ME? WHY ME?!" Kyo yelled at the top of his lungs.

"Well, you are his Flunky, aren't you?" Hatori asked.

"I never agreed to that! He only SAYS I'm his flunky! You have no proof! YOU HAVE NO PROOF!" Kyo screamed and picked up the fishbowl and ran off into a little corner.

Hatori had a feeling that once again everything would be left up to him, but he wished with all his heart otherwise so he just sat there looking at other people expectantly. Finally, Shigure spoke.

"I need a dictionary." He said with an intense look.

"Never mind. I'll do it." Hatori sighed and untied the tablecloth off Kureno's head. Then he jumped back because he had been expecting Kureno to jump up and attack him or to chuckle foolishly or something Lone Chickenish like that.

But Kureno wasn't moving! In fact... he wasn't doing much of anything! He was just laying there completely still! His mouth wasn't moving! His chest wasn't moving! Oh NO!

"You guys... Kureno isn't breathing..." Hatori said slowly, looking over that silly, silly dying Lone Chicken.

"WHAT?!" Everyone yelled at him. "That's CRAZY!"

"Oh no! Kureno-san is dying! You shouldn't underestimate it!" Tohru cried, clapsing her hands together in a praying motion.

"Don't worry Honda-kun. I won't." Hatori said, resisting the urge to roll his eyes.

"MY GOD! That Lone Chicken is tottering on the brink of light and darkness! What will we DO, Tori-san?!" Ayame cried like the drama queen he is. "If we don't hurry he'll be lost to us forever!"

"Don't stop and start thinking about that." Hatori said sternly as everyone started to reflect on how much they actually wanted Kureno alive. "We have to do something now. Does anyone know CPR?"

YES, silly, Hatori knows CPR, but do you REALLY think he wants to do it on Kureno if he actually HAS to? He'd probably rather dance around naked balancing a Kodama on his head!

"I do." CL Haru said, raising his hand. But he was ignored.

"I don't how to do it, but I'll do my best!" Tohru exclaimed.

"No. That wouldn't work. Kureno would turn into his Jyuunishi form." Hatori said, shaking his head. AND OH WHAT A LOSS THAT WOULD BE!

"I can!" Kagura said.

"Kagura, you'd break his ribs." Hatori sighed.

"Um... HELLO! EARTH TO HATORI!" Shigure said with his hands on his hips. "Why are you asking all these other people? We WERE male lifeguards once, after all!"

"We were male lifeguards for a week. I'm a DOCTOR." Hatori said angrily, because that was just STUPID.

"But if I didn't say lifeguard then we wouldn't get to have a flashback!" Shigure said.

FLASHBACK

"It sure is great being a MALE lifeguard, isn't it Haa-san?" Asked the young furling of a boy that was SEVENTEEN year old Shigure, sitting in his high, high chair.

"As opposed to being a female...?" Hatori the sexy nerd called from his own tall, tall chair. The two of them were foolishly sittng there staring out at the beach.

"No, fool. We get to WATCH and BEFRIEND the female lifeguards!" Shigure cheered.

"And save lives." Hatori reminded Shigure like the responsible nerd he was.

"Hatori... are you gay?" Shigure asked.

"Shut up." Said Hatori. " I'm just saying it's important to not be concentrating on the female lifeguards, and to watch the small children that might need to have their lives saved."

"Oh yeah. It's ALWAYS about the children." Shigure said sarcastically, and gave a big Cloud shrug and almost fell out of his chair. In the process of doing so, he saw something he wasn't expecting.

"Hatori... are you wearing SWIMMING trunks?" Shigure gasped.

"Uh... yeah?" Teenage Hatori replied self-conciously.

"WHY?" Shigure asked in a shocked and astounded voice.

"Because we're LIFEGUARDS at the beach?" Hatori said slowly. "What else was I supposed to wear?"

"I don't know. I just never thought you'd wear swimming trunks when you went to the beach..." Shigure said with line eyes and began stroking his chin sagely, even though he was just a young furling of a boy. Okay. We'll just say he began stroking his chin FURLINGLY.

"Well what ELSE am I supposed to be wearing?" Hatori demanded.

"I just guess I thought you'd be skinny dipping..."

"Shut up Shigure."

"You should come with me and Aya the next time we go-"

"SHUT UP Shigure."

END FLASHBACK

"Hey... how come I wasn't a male lifeguard? OR a female one?" Ayame demanded as everyone else chuckled warmly.

"Ayame you can't SWIM." Hatori said.

"You don't need to swim to sit in a CHAIR, Hatori. Duh." Ayame sighed, shaking his head as if to say, ' OH, HATORI! YOU RETARDED BOY!'

"Anyway... Shigure, if you're so hung up on once having been a lifeguard, why don't you give Kureno CPR?" Hatori asked, shaking his head as if to say... ' OH AYAME! IF I WERE YUKI (not THIS Yuki, the OTHER Yuki) I WOULD CUSS YOU OUT!'

"I don't remember how. Hatori, it is up to YOU to deliver the kiss of life!" Shigure said in a dramatic voice as rose petals began showering all around him.

"Nobody is KISSING anyone. I'd just be doing CPR." Hatori said.

"You call it CPR... I call it... THE KISS OF LIFE." Shigure said slowly as Haru cleaned up the rose petals behind him.

"You better do it now, Hatori. Kureno is turning blue." Yuki pointed out. LIKE A SMURF! A CHICKEN SMURF!

Hatori took a deep breath, then slowly put his ear to Kureno's chest to listen for circulation, then tilted his head up holding the chin and the back of his head, then put his lips to Kureno's and breathed into them a few times. Then he put his hands back on Kureno's chest and began pumping it FIFTEEN times! CAN YOU TELL I TOOK THIS CLASS OR WHAT?!

Everyone watched this go on enviously. NO, they didn't wish THEY were the ones giving Kureno CPR. They were wishing that THEY were Kureno having CPR given to him by Hatori. I mean, come on, YOU'RE thinking that too, aren't you? I know I am! But it will never happen! SOB!

All of a sudden, Kureno's eyelashes fluttered open and he looked up blearily. For a second he looked JUST like some forlorn shojo heroine, but then he let out a great gasp and smacked Hatori in the mouth.

"How DARE you take advantage of the Lone Chicken?!" Kureno cried, drawing himself up in an offended manner. "You short-dwelling pervert!"

"I wasn't taking advantage of you! I was saving your life!" Hatori replied, rubbing his face resentfully. Doctors! THEY'RE NEVER APPRECIATED!

"Saving my life? More like giving me the BREATH OF DEATH!" Kureno said fiercely.

"I was not giving you the breath of death." Hatori said slowly.

"He was giving you the kiss of life!" Shigure pointed out helpfully.

"I was not giving you the kiss of life either." Hatori said quickly.

"Where's my flunky? FLUNKY!!!" Kureno screamed at the top of his lungs.

"WHAT?!" Kyo yelled from his corner. "I mean, I AM NOT YOUR FLUNKY!"

"How could you sit in that corner and let the Lone Chicken get triple teamed?" Kureno called in a heartbroken manner. "Have you no sense of chilvary, boy?"

"All I did was give CPR." Hatori said, rolling his eyes and turned around to see everyone giving him a weird look.

"...what?" Hatori asked.

"I don't know. It's just..." Kagura began uncomfortably, looking away.

"You DID sort of look like you were enjoying it." Rin admitted.

"WHAT? That is not true. You two are just being stupid. Right?" Hatori asked everyone else.

"I think you LIKED it." Said CL Haru bluntly.

"Well... it's to be expected. Anyone would LIKE french kissing the Lone Chicken, be they man, woman, or beast." Kureno said thoughtfully, not sure whether this was a victory or a defeat against the Mabudachi Trio.

"I did NOT french kiss you! I gave you CPR!" Hatori exclaimed, then groaned and put a hand to his forehead. "Oh, my head..."

"You did give him the kiss of-"Shigure started to say.

"Shigure, say that and I won't tell you that Reckus is Sucker backwards." Hatori interrupted.

Shigure froze for about five seconds then turned around to look at CL Haru who was just standing there like a fool. "You mean...?" Shigure said slowly.

"Yes." Said everyone.

"HARU?! HOW COULD YOU?! IS THIS BECAUSE OF THE TRAFFIC LIGHTS?!" Shigure gasped in horror.

"No." Lied CL Haru.

"I can't believe it! So you think Shigure Sohma is a sucker, do you? I'll show HIM whose sucker. Just you wait, Hatsuharu." Shigure said with an evil look and began rubbing his hands together as if he were invisible and no one could see him. "Just you wait..."

"Okay." Said CL Haru and went back to admiring the red star on his cheek. YES, it's still there. I don't have to talk about it every five seconds, do I?

"Wait. Hatori french-kissed WHO?" Kyo asked in an offended voice as he wandered over with Ratkiller.

"If anyone had to take advantage of me I would have wanted it to be my flunky. Or Akito." Kureno said sadly.

"Okay, well, I think that about wraps it up, so let's get going." Hatori said briefly, as he rose up and swept his hands together. Don't worry guys. Hatori didn't REALLY french-kiss Kureno. He's not like that. He was just doing his job. You don't have to go home and cry to your mommy and daddy about how Hatori is a perverted seahorse. He's not.

Take a deep breath. It's okay.

"Yeah. We should go before That Buddy Barn Guy gets back." Said Yuki in his special Junior Hatori voice. Then Hatori threw him a cookie. Just kidding. Hatori doesn't throw cookies at anyone but Ayame. He just gave Yuki a thankful look.

JUST as Yuki uttered those responsible words, who strutted in but... ZACK! Just kidding. It was That Buddy Barn Guy. Who else?

"WHAT?! I give you AN hour and you're still here! What's the matter with you guys? Are you just STUPID?!" That Buddy Barn Guy yelled at all of them. " WHAT'S SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT ONE HOUR?!"

"Um..." Said all of the Sohmas except for Haru who was still admiring the star and Ritsu, Hiro, Akito, and Kisa who weren't there. Yes! That is correct! All of the other people who were Sohmas said um too, even though they WEREN'T there.

"Thanks a LOT Yuki. You just HAD to go and say that, and now the stupid foreshadowing, irony element of writing had to show up." Shigure said, rolling his eyes.

"Shut up, Shigure." Yuki said, although he did feel pretty bad about summoning the wrath of That Buddy Barn Guy upon them.

"So... are you going to show us the side of That Buddy Barn Guy that we'll wish we'd never seen?" Hatori asked That Buddy Barn Guy fearlessly. He's so tired and poor now that NOTHING can scare or make him worry.

"Well... I didn't actually expect you to still be here. I don't really HAVE a side that you'd regret seeing. What you see is what you get with That Buddy Barn Guy." That Buddy Barn Guy said thoughtfully.

"So it was just an empty threat?" Hatori asked.

"Oh, EMPTY threat, is it, Mr. Redundant?!" That Buddy Barn Guy said, drawing himself up in an offended manner. "That's right! Take advantage of the natrually generous and mild Buddy Barn Guy's Buddy Barn nature! Take the numerous products he gives to you and LAUGH! Well, we'll see whose laughing now!" He then whipped out his Buddy Barn Powered Cell Phone and started dialing. "HAH HAH HAH!" He laughed in a very fake voice.

"Can I have some fish food?" Kyo asked.

"I'm on the PHONE!" That Buddy Barn Guy screamed as he chucked a box of Buddy Barn Fish Flakes at Kyo's head.

"Here, Ratkiller. Yummy fish flakes." Kyo said with horseshoe eyes, kneeling over to shake the little flakes in. Then he watched the goldfish gulp them up contently. Then he realized everyone was watching him and started screaming obscenties.

"Who are you calling?" Momiji asked That Buddy Barn Guy curiously.

"NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX!" He screamed back and then walked out the door in a huff. All of the Sohmas stood there at a loss for what to do. If I were them, I would be ESCAPING but I'm just Hayley. Hayley Wallace. Cowgirl...

"I feel so bad!" Tohru exclaimed guiltily.

"Don't worry, Honda-san. He's probably not going to do anything." Yuki reassured her.

"Shut up Yuki!" Kyo yelled at Yuki resentfully because he was JUST about to say that, but that stupid rat beat him to it! DARN! BETTER LUCK NEXT TIME, KYO-KUN!

"Well, well, well..." Came an ominous voice from the door, and everyone turned around to see the shadowy outline of SECURITY FRED! He had just rode over on his motorcycle! How did he get here so fast? Do not question Security Fred and the measures he must take! And don't question his motorcycle either. It's from North Dakota.

"If it isn't the CHUCKLER..." He said, looking to Kureno.

"...the CAT..." To Kyo even if he doesn't know about the secret.

"...the GIRL..." To Kagura.

"...the offensive SPEEDER..." To Shigure, who just blinked.

"And the FLICKER." He said finally, rounding out on Hatori. Oh, if only he could say, ' Not those CRAZY Sohmas again!' Why can't you say it, Security Fred? Why can't you?

"Actually, we're the Sohma family." Hatori said like the polite gentleman he is.

"I don't care WHAT you call yourselves, but you guys are the biggest upset North Dakota has had in years. We might actually have to QUESTION you. And we never do that with breakers of the law here." Security Fred said, shaking his head shamefully.

"We haven't done anything WRONG, though. Or at least... I haven't. I don't know about these guys. I'm not in trouble am I? It was probably all Kyonkichi's fault. He IS the cat." Ayame said with a look at Kyo.

"SHUT UP AYAME, YOU BASTARD!" Kyo yelled.

"How rude!" Ayame clucked.

"I'm sorry Miss, but this fellow right here called and told me you had made a mess of his property and were creating a disturbance. I can't just let something like that go by unpunished." Security Fred said to Ayame sternly.

"Are you SURE?" Ayame asked.

"Yes." Said Security Fred.

"You'll never take my flunky alive, Copper! Quick, flunky! Sacrifice yourself so the Lone Chicken can escape!" Kureno yelled, throwing Kyo at Security Fred. Kyo stuck out his arms and only bumped into Security Fred slightly.

"Be CAREFUL! I almost tripped over Ratkiller!" Kyo yelled at Kureno, who was already running as fast as he could in the opposite direction. He eventually ran into a wall, but this was sometime later, so I guess during the eight lines of dialouge you can imagine Kureno running and eventually crashing.

"Oh my! An attack on Security Fred's life! I'm going to have to call for backup!" Security Fred gasped.

"I WASN'T ATTACKING YOU! I JUST GOT PUSHED!" Kyo yelled.

"Really, sir, it's all just a big misunderstanding..." Tohru said with a 'MAKE THE PEACE!' expression, holding up her hands.

"Do you know what happens when big misunderstanding slip by? They turn people into SLACKERS!" Security Fred said, whipping out his special police walkie talkie. " Hello? Can you be here in five seconds? GOOD!" Then he put it back up and glared at all of them and pointed. "SLACKERS!"

"How rude! I am not a slacker! I get up bright and early each morning!" Ayame gasped.

"OW!" Screamed Kureno.

"Never fear... OFFICER BENTLEY IS HERE!" Came a sudden booming voice, and in walked everyone's favorite pedestrian patrolman, OFFICER BENTLEY! He took off his motorcycle helmet even though he doesn't wear one and stroke his giant black mustache.

"Officer!" Security Fred said with a salute.

"Fred-san!" Bentley called and chucked a soda can at Security Fred that hit him in the head.

"OW! DAMMIT, BENTLEY!" Fred yelled and tried to pick up the soda can and throw it back at Officer Bentley but fell.

"It might not look like it but those two have been friends since they were kids!" That Buddy Barn Guy confided to everyone.

"HEY!" Yelled Shigure. " Quit taking our scenes! And our lines!"

"Sorry." Officer Bentley chuckled like Officer Bentley. "I just can't help but mess with you Fred-san!"

"That's okay." Security Fred chuckled like Kureno. "I can NEVER stay mad at you for long, Officer!"

"All silliness put aside, Fred-san, what sort of naughty puppies are you dealing with now?" Officer Bentley said in a foolish voice as he put his hands on his hips and stared at the Sohmas.

"These guys are disturbing the peace! And they tried to kill me!" Security Fred said.

"WHAT?! Officer Bentley doesn't take too kindly to that!" Officer Bentley exclaimed. " I'm afraid I'll have to fine you ONE BILLION DOLLARS!" He exclaimed, pointing to Hatori.

"What? Why me?" Hatori asked. Poor man. He hasn't even heard the billion dollars part yet.

"Because you are the tallest person here." Officer Bentley replied as if that made any sense.

Hatori was just about to protest when he realized he WAS the tallest there! Curse his crazy height! And to think, as a child, Hatori had been a late bloomer and also one of those young furlings that measured his height everday with a marker and a ruler. Only to have it all come and bite him in the ass today.

"Even if I am tall, I don't have a billion dollars." Hatori said with a massive headache.

"Well... how much money DO you have?" Officer Bentley asked.

"Sixty dollars and thirty cence." Hatori replied.

"That will do for Officer Bentley." Officer Bentley said and stuck out his hand. For a second Hatori considered erasing his memories and then making a run for it, but come now, REALLY. Hatori isn't some crazy scallywag. He handed over the money like a good sumaritan and at that moment the last bit of happiness died inside of him.

"Now... GET OUT! OUT, I SAY! AND FOR SHAME! ON ALL OF YOU, DISTURBERS OF THE PEACE!" Officer Bentley screamed at all of them. And everyone ran out with their heads hung low except for Kureno who moonwalked out because he CAN.

"I don't know how I can thank you two!" That Buddy Barn Guy said with starry eyes.

"All in a days work for... Security Fred!" Security Fred said proudly.

"And Officer Bentley! Come on, Fred-san. Let's go blow this on Gravitation Manga." Officer Bentley said, slinging an arm around Security Fred's shoulder.

"You ALWAYS have the best ideas." Security Fred said, and they walked into the sunset together, but it was really just the door, but that's okay because there was a sunset outside except it was really just a crazy old carboard sunset so then they hopped onto their crazy motorcycles and drove off just like the Rebels without a Cause. Only not.

OMAKE!

Wow! That took forever! As an aplogy, I'll be answering ALL of your crazy questions! You can blame the lateness on School, Computers breaking Down, and the Rocky Horror Picture Show! My lord, I feel terrible! You may beat me with Fan Appreciation Bat but only if you have baked Carl into a fine paste and sent him to me by airmail.

Kureno: Today, you have the honor of letting the LONE CHICKEN answer your questions!

Person: Why is Kyo capable of being your flunky? Uh... what is a flunky anyway?

Kureno: My flunky is CAPABLE of being my flunky, long-nosed pedestrian, because if he wasn't, how would he be a flunky?

Hayley: Hayley is SURPRISED at how often this question was asked! How can I explain what FLUNKY is? I will use the Theasarus on my computer. Yes-man, flatterer, toady, minion, MAN-SLAVE. Okay, I made up that last one. It's just... he's like IGOR!

Angry Person: Where can you get that "DIE Mabudachi Trio DIE" shirt? I have to burn that place down... And... WHY DO YOU HATE THE MABUDACHI TRIO SO MUCH!?!?!?! WHY DOES EVERYONE CHUCKLE LIKE YOU?!?!?! HOW COULD YOU HATE AYAME?!?!?! HE'S THE BEST! Kinda creepy... BUT THAT'S WHY HE'S THE BEST!

Kureno: I am sorry, cross-eyed citizen, but this shirt was made my the Lone Chicken himself, and it took many, many hours for him to make.

Hayley: Why does everyone chuckle like Kureno? (chuckles like Kureno) Well, I DUNNO, I guess it's just one of those mysteries of life! You probably do it yourself and you don't even realize it! And if you do, be proud! Wear a button that says, ' I Proudly Chuckle like Kureno!'

Naria: Kureno, why do you hate the Lovely Mabudachi Trio so much? Is it because they're gasp O.O PRETTIER O.O than you?! Or do you really have a secret attraction to their sexy bodies? Hm? Oh yes, and here's a threat...if you touch a HAIR on any of their heavenly heads, I will glomp you, strangle you, deep fry you and EAT you! And that's a HUGE threat coming from a pacifist vegetarian...

Kureno: Excuse me! The Lone Chicken is prettier even than Carmeron Diaz! The Lone Chicken can hate who he wants to hate, meddling ferret, be they pretty or the other thing. And the Lone Chicken has NO attraction to them at all!

Hayley: (In Kureno's voice) Except for Hatori!

Kureno: Hmm... (thoughtful look) Now that you mention it...

Hayley: OO Never mind. Next question.

Rachey-chan (sorry! Sorry! Apologizes like Ritsu.):Kureno-san,  
  
Have you ever met "The Funky Chicken, formerly known as Lombardi? I mean, you are both chickens. Kinda... And, tell me the truth, How good is Akito? You must tell me! I must know! My life depends on it! Actually, I'm just very curious.  
  
And, I know why Yuki won't sing! I have heard Aya Hisakawa's voice, and of course, it's beautiful, but she sounds like a girl! Because well, Hisakawa-san is a girl!  
  
Do you think it's Black Haru that knows the secret? Maybe there is another Haru, like Pink Haru! Or Purple Haru! Maybe one of them knows!  
  
I want to know the song title! I want to know the title!

Kureno: I have never met this FUNKY Chicken, hairy-nostrilled one. But I am quite skilled in the dance known as the Funky Chicken. (begins to dance slowly)

Hayley: Of course Yuki won't sing if he sounds like Hisakawa-sama! He doesn't want everyone to know how lubberly he is. He just wants to be regarded as a MAN, but he never will! AHAHAHAHAHA! And also, are you PYSCHIC OR WHAT? I had been planning on releasing different colored Harus from day one, though. DAY ONE!

...the song is by a band named Cranbo. It is a band that Ewan Mcgregor. ( SMOLDERING PIMPLE MAN! FEAR HIS SMOLDERING PIMPLE, ESPECIALLY WHEN HE IS OBI WAN!) The name of the song is... BOOBIES.

I've said it! I said it! ARGH!

Person: Why is the lone chicken, well, so lone?

Kureno: Good question, stubbly toed one! Well... the Lone Chicken cannot help his nature. If it is my nature to be alone, I will be alone. (chuckles foolishly)

Hayley: KURENO! OH MY GOD! YOU'RE SO DUMB! I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN STAND IT ANY LONGER!

Kureno: (chuckles)

Hayley: Don't you DARE chuckle one more time...

Kureno: (chuckles)

Hayley: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Person: Why do you call yourself the Lone Chicken even though you're NEVER alone in the Sohma Family?

Kureno: Why, I NEVER! Don't you realize I am ostracized and ridiculed because I am the chicken in the Zodiac!

Hayley: THAT'S KYO! NOT YOU! KYOOOOOOOO!

Oh yeah! And I also got questions that were NOT adressed to Kureno. These questions will go to Bigfoot instead. Be they questions to Hayley, Hagrid or HAMMY THE WONDER HAMSTER, Bigfoot answers all!

Person: Can I be in this story! I REALLY want to meet Yuki and Kyo!

Bigfoot: ARGH! THEY FICTIONAL CHARACTERS! YOU SAD! ARGH!

Person: Who do YOU think goes with Tohru? Yuki, Kyo, Shigure, Kisa, Haru, Momiji, Ritsu, Hatori, or Akito?!

Bigfoot: BIGFOOT want to go with Tohru! But it never happen! BIGFOOT CRY! (runs off sobbing)

Hayley: My PERSONAL opinion is Kyonkichi. Yuki would be second. And I randomly think Ritsu and Tohru would be cute. As for everyone else... going by your list, Child molester, lesbian child molester, I SERIOUSLY doubt it, Maybe, in some CRAZY world, Child Molester, and Crazy pyscho freak.

Well! That took a whole month! And we still have SO many things to do! Okay... actually only like five chapters left but oh well! Next time, join us at IHOP! THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANDAS!

Haru: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Hayley: Ha-kun? Just kidding. It's pancakes...

Ja!


	19. DRIVE PICOPICO DRIVE and IHOP

Chapter 18

Drive Pico-Pico Drive and IHOP

Laa dee daa dee daa… DAAAAA… HMM? What's this! Oh yes! The fanfic! Let's get back to those crazy Sohmas! DA-HUCK! The last time we left them they had been uncerimoniously kicked out of the Karoke bar after Hatori had finally lost his last tiny amount of money. Now he's one of those people in which you pick them up and shake them and a MOTH flies out of their pockets!

Unless you know some sort of crazy person that has MONEY and moths in their pockets, but that person must be some sort of serial moth killer. Like… MOTHMAN! Actually, Mothman would probably be the HERO of the moths, not the-

" AHEM!" Everyone shouted.

Oh yeah… Anyway, now they all stood outside of the massive gates of the State Fair which had just exploded. Sorry about that guys! But we just can't have a fair if the SOHMAS aren't going to be there!

" What do we do NOOOW?" Momiji asked impaitently.

" We need to go back to the hotel. And you need to wash that face paint off, Momiji, before you go to bed." Hatori told Momiji in his motherly voice.

" WHY?! I wanna keep it on FOREVER!" Momiji whined.

" No. You can't. You have to wash it off." Hatori replied sternly. If ONLY he could remember how he felt as a child when HE got his face painted, and then he could UNDERSTAND Momiji and meet him halfway, and then life would be more FUN! But then again, Hatori's life doesn't seem like it CAN be fun anymore.

" What? Do you mean we're just going to go back to the hotel NOW?" Shigure exclaimed.

" Yes." Hatori replied. " We are going to go back, go to sleep, and then in the morning we are going to go home. And I don't care if I have to call in a Spanish Yacht to get us there, we will." Hatori added menacingly.

" WE GET TO RIDE ON A SPANISH YACHT?! WOO-HOO!" Everyone shouted and started dancing around like fools.

Hatori started to say that NO, he had OBVIOUSLY just been sarcastic, but then found he didn't have the will to even say it. " Come on. Let's all go to the bus stop and wait for him to come pick us up."

" Um… HATORI? You don't have any money anymore." Shigure said, rolling his eyes at Hatori.

" Um… SHIGURE? You have money." Hatori replied, mocking that EXACT sort of tone.

" Um…BOTH OF YOU, why don't we just call That Buddy Barn Guy to give us a free ride again?" Ayame asked, partly because he had thought of that, but MORE partly because you can't have Shigure and Hatori and NOT Ayame do the 'UM' thing.

" I guess we could try calling him… but I don't know if he'd give us a ride after what just happened." Hatori said outloud with a little begrudging frown.

" The LONE CHICKEN will solve this! He'll call for his CHICKMOBILE!" Kureno exclaimed, and whipped out the television remote that he had stolen from the Crazy Gringo Hotel. Then he started pressing the VCR button over and over as if that were supposed to drop a Chickmobile out of the sky from nowhere.

" Kureno… did you steal that?" Hatori asked slowly.

" The Mabudachi Trio is NOT invited onto the Chickmobile." Kureno replied haughtily, and started pressing the button harder. " Why is this not working?! FLUNKY!!"

" I am not your flunky! And I'm not even going to dignify that question with a response." Kyo added angrily, hugging Ratkiller's fishbowl to his chest.

" Fine! I'll pay for your stupid bus and you! And you! And you! And you!" Shigure said, pointing over-dramtatically at everyone. " And you! And you! And… hey? Where's Ritsu?" He said suddenly, looking all around.

" I don't know… he was at the fair with us… where did he go?" Yuki murmured, glancing about. Hatori and Tohru were looking too, by the way. Everyone else just didn't care.

Hey… Why are you all looking at ME?! OKAY! FINE! I forgot Ritsu AGAIN! In fact, this time I did MORE than forget him! I PURPOSELY forgot him! And there's NOTHING you can do about it! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

" Well… I'm sure he'll find his way home alright. He is twenty-one, after all…" Shigure said with a shrug, figuring that that made one LESS person he would have to pay the bus ride for!

" Shigure, you're twenty-seven and you make me drive you to and from the movie rental store." Hatori pointed out.

" I might get JUMPED!" Shigure protested.

" Why hasn't the bus come yet?" Haru whined randomly. No, he's not Chronic Liar Haru anymore. Or is he? I can't tell. Can you tell? ARGH! " It's taking so long… When will it get here?"

" Haru, we just decided to take the bus five SECONDS ago." Rin pointed out angrily. Yes! She's here! Isn't it MYSTERIOUS?!

" I want it to be here now. This very second." Haru said as if it were the only thing he had ever asked of the world.

" Hey, look! We're not even standing ON the bus stop square!" Momiji exclaimed, and then stamped his foot down on the bus stop square that was three centimeters away from them. As soon as he did, a bus came ZOOMING out of nowhere. No, it wasn't the Buddy Barn Bus. It was the Zoom-Zoom bus.

Why is it called the Zoom Zoom Bus? That's because whenever it appears, the music from the car commercial with the African-sounding guy starts playing.

" ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM! YEAH, YEAH, YEAH… AH-NA-NA-HEY-HEY!" Came the music from nowhere as the Zoom Zoom Bus came swerving up. Shigure and Ayame began dancing like fools along to the music. Hatori shook his head slowly.

" What a remarkable bus!" Tohru said as the bus door opened and the music stopped abruptly.

" Aww…" Said Shigure and Ayame.

" HELLO!" Said some random bus driver named Pico-Pico. " Do you wish to ride the Zoom Zoom Bus today?"

" Um… yes?" Shigure said, a bit disturbed by how… FRIENDLY this crazy little man and his fast bus were. " Yes, we would."

" ALRIGHT! You've made Pico-Pico very happy today! And by the looks of it, also very rich! Let's see… Pico-Pico can count! ONE… TWO… THREE… FOUR…"

" Do we have to ride this bus?" Haru asked.

" FIVE… SIX… SEVEN… EIGHT… NINE…"

" What's wrong with this bus Haru?" Hatori sighed.

" It's too fast. And I'm the ox. I'm beginning to feel as if I'm being made fun of for being so slow." Haru said in a sad little voice.

Hatori decided to ignore Haru and pretended to be very fascinated with the sidewalk.

" The only thing that makes me happy is the fact that I have this red star." Haru admitted.

" TEN… ELEVEN!" Pico-Pico said, because it takes him a LONG time to count. " Eleven people! So you will owe Pico-Pico fifty-five dollars!"

" WHAT? Why is it so expensive?" Shigure gasped. Of course, if it was someone ELSE and not Shigure paying for the bus ride, I'm sure he wouldn't have cared. YES, SIREE.

" Pico-Pico has to pay for the background music and his nightly dinner of crab!" Pico-Pico replied and stuck out his hand. " Come on now, pay up!"

" FINE…" Shigure sighed, and started ushering everyone onto the bus but Haru, as he handed Pico-Pico fifty dollars. " I hope you're all very happy. I could have been spending this money on OTHER things."

" Hey…" Said Haru, as he tried to move onto the bus, but Shigure jumped in front of him. Yes, now is the time for Shigure to take his REVENGE! That crafty canine!

" Sorry, Haru, but you SNOOZE you LOSE!" Shigure yelled, even though Haru hasn't snoozed at all. He snapped his fingers and Pico-Pico closed the doors to the Zoom Zoom Bus in Haru's face. " BON VOYAGE!"

Haru might have made some sound of protest but it was drowned out in the sound of the engine rumbling and the Zoom Zoom song playing. Then he stood there and looked down the street blankly.

" Oh well." Said Haru. " At least I have my little umbrella."

Then he remembered… he didn't HAVE his little umbrella!

" That's okay." Haru reminded the author. " I still have this red star."

Oh yes. That's right.

HOOONK!

" Any second now, Flunky, we'll jump from this bus onto the CHICKMOBILE! It will come… it will come…" Kureno said to himself sinsterly as he stared obsessively out the bus window.

" I'm NOT your flunky." Kyo replied, making sure Ratkiller had the best seat possible on the bus! No, I don't think a goldfish REALLY cares what sort of seat it has on a bus, but Kyo doesn't know that! Or maybe he does and is too much of a fool to care.

" This bus looks just like a normal bus. I thought it was going to be more exciting." Yuki said outloud.

" You want Pico-Pico to be exciting? He will put on a Puppet Show for you!" Pico-Pico exclaimed, letting go of the steering wheel and turning around with strange sock puppets that had sprouted to cover his hands.

" DRIVE, PICO-PICO, DRIVE!" Everyone screamed at him.

" Oh-KAY!" Pico-Pico chuckled like Kureno and began to drive again, barely missing crushing a small North Dakotan old lady named Granny Sue who exploded anyway.

_This driving… it's reminding me of someone… someone's driving…_ Hatori thought nervously.

" Can't we go any FASTER?! I want everything in the windows to be a big blur! Just one big BLUR! What are you pushing? Eighty miles an hour? Can't you even do a hundred?" Ayame yelled up at the driver.

" No… Pico-Pico is not capable of doing over ninety-five, sir. He aplogizes to you. And so do his sock puppets." Pico-Pico said sadly.

" This is so fun!" Tohru exclaimed. Momiji would have echoed her, but he was too busy… being a rabbit! No, he didn't transform into a rabbit. He was just doing rabbit things. Okay, he was chewing on a carrot and couldn't speak because his mouth was full. Where did he got the carrot? Okay… I don't know. I JUST DON'T KNOW, OKAY?!

" Why is it fun?" Kyo asked as if he were OFFENDED.

" I don't know. In some ways it's almost like we're flying through the sky, isn't it?" Tohru said happily.

" I don't know. I don't think flying through the sky would be like this." Kyo said thoughtfully, since it was something he had never put any serious thought into.

" That's true." Tohru said.

" Kureno might know. Hey, Kureno? What's it like, flying through the sky?" Yuki asked Kureno who was sitting at the back of the bus, away from them, by the way.

" Do not speak to the Lone Chicken unless you are SPOKEN to!" Kureno yelled at them creepily, then turned around and pressed his face against the window for no reason.

" You can ask ME! I know what it's like to fly! Many times Yuki has granted me the wonderful sensation while I was a snake! Oh, what a kind and thoughtful gesture of my little brother!" Ayame chuckled like Kureno.

" I was trying to fling you off into a place so far away that you could never slither back." Yuki replied dryly.

" One time, Haa-san turned into a REAL dragon, and we all soared into the clouds…" Shigure added, since he didn't want to be left out of the conversation.

" No I didn't." Hatori said.

" How come you CAN'T turn into a dragon, Hatori?" Shigure said suddenly in an angry voice, as if Hatori were always keeping it from everyone.

Hatori stared at Shigure. " I don't KNOW." He said in a mildy offended voice.

" Maybe you have an ULTIMATE form, just like Kyo-kun and it's a REAL dragon." Kagura said thoughtfully.

" I'm not sure." Hatori said.

" Well, you better hope for YOUR sake. I would hate to have to go through my whole life as a seahorse. I mean… you wake up in the morning. You're the seahorse. You have lunch. You're the seahorse. You go to sleep. You're STILL the seahorse." Shigure shook his head. " That would be veeeeeeeeeeery boring."

" Seahorses are very cute!" Tohru said randomly in an attempt to bring a positive light to seahorses but it didn't work.

" Oh, SURE, they're cute. All of the animals in the Jyuunishi are CUTE." Shigure scoffed like Carson.

" I don't think the cow is cute. I just can't find it in myself to think a cow is cute." Ayame said thoughtfully.

" I think the cow is very cute! And it's also helpful when you need to go for a ride!" Tohru said. But it's not like anyone would actually ride around on a cow. If you did, then you would be made MOCKERY of. Or ignored. Maybe both.

" SPEAKING of cows… Can we go to Mcdonalds?" Momiji asked randomly.

" NO!" Yelled everyone, because we've ALREADY gone to Mcdonalds in this story! And you want us to do it TWICE? YOU ARE SAYING INSOLENCE TO ME! THAT IS INSOLENCE!

" Speaking of speaking of cows…" Ayame said like an idiot, " Where's our boy Haru?"

Everyone waited the five minutes it usually took for Haru to say, " Here," but… HE NEVER SAID IT! Everyone looked around the Zoom-Zoom bus frantically for that crazy old Cow! Actually, only Hatori did. HA!

" Haru? Where's Haru?" Hatori called, fearing the worst.

" Maybe he didn't get on the bus." Shigure said innocently, waving his little fan that appears from nowhere.

" Why would he do that? Hey… where's RITSU?" Hatori realized all of a sudden, and took several deep breaths to try and calm himself down but it didn't work because he's wearing shorts, broke, AND Haru is missing!

" Alright," Hatori said sternly, turning around. " Who were Haru and Ritsu's buddies?"

" I was Haru's buddy!" Momiji exclaimed. No one was Ritsu's buddy.

" Momiji, when did you see Haru last?" Hatori asked Momiji slowly and sort of creepily.

" When Shii-chan left him behind to eat our dust." Momiji replied brightly.

Hatori turned around to Shigure, who had spread out the little fan to obscure his face.

" Shigure?" He asked dangerously.

" Nobody's home." Shigure replied from behind the fan.

" Why did you leave Haru behind on purpose?" Hatori asked, grabbing the fan and flinging it onto the floor like a common hooligan.

" Because… because…" Shigure said lamely, then decided to use a common strategy and burst into tears. " Because he hurt my feeeeeeeeeeelings, Haa-san! Just looking at him made me feel so bad! You don't want me to have to feel that way? Do you? Do you?"

" I'm so sorry!" Tohru cried, bursting into sympathetic tears. " You were dealing with this pain the whole time and I couldn't do anything to help you!"

Then Momiji started to cry because Tohru was crying. " I want to see Haru!" He cried.

" Pico-Pico-san… can you please turn this bus around?" Hatori asked Pico-Pico in a strained voice as he tried to ignore all the people that were crying around him. " We have to go back."

" Where?" Pico-Pico asked, and suddenly Hatori realized that they hadn't even TOLD Pico-Pico where they wanted to go in the first place and that he had been driving them around in circles crazily around the town.

" We accidently left one of our number behind, and we need to go back and get him." Hatori replied slowly. " And after we pick him up, we need you to take us to The Crazy Gringo Hotel."

" Your story touches Pico-Pico very much, sir!" Pico-Pico sobbed because the story had randomly touched him even though it wasn't that touching. He took his hands off the steering wheel to show that the puppets were crying too. " It touches his puppets as well! Of course, I will do anything you ask sir-"

" DRIVE, PICO-PICO, DRIVE!" Everyone screamed at him.

" Oh-kay!" Pico-Pico chuckled like Kureno and resumed driving just in time to miss a bunch of little kidnergartners he was about to mow over, but it didn't matter because all of them exploded anyway except for one boy whose name was Franklin. He's a turtle.

" Pico-Pico will go back to where he picked you up now, sir. And then he will take you to the Crazy Gringo Hotel. FREE OF CHARGE!" Pico-Pico cheered.

" YAAAAY!" Everyone hooted.

" But… we've already paid you." Yuki pointed out.

" Oh well!" Pico-Pico laughed. Oh, you crazy Pico-Pico.

Then Pico-Pico put the pedal to the medal and went into… WAAAAIT for it… HIGH GEAR! As he zoomed down the road back to the remains of the North Dakotan State Fair, everyone held onto their seats to keep from being thrown off that crazy Zoom Zoom Bus. Do you know how fast the Zoom Zoom bus is? Well… it's like… WHAM! there's this bus… with all this STUFF. And then, just as you think it can't get any faster… WHAM! there's another car… with all this STUFF! My WORD!

Meanwhile, Haru was standing there on the curb like a patient fool. _They'll be coming aaaaany second now. _Haru told himself calmly, and thought about things that made him happy.

And just as he thought that, like an ironic literary device, the Zoom Zoom Bus came zooming up. But Haru wasn't happy. Why? It skid past one of those pesky puddles that are always right next to the curb, and water splashed all over him.

" Now I'm wet." Haru said after ten minutes. Yes, he was on the bus.

" Sorry about leaving you Haru." Shigure said as if it were an innocent mistake. But don't worry. WE know the truth.

" Why didn't you YELL, Haru? So we'd come and get you!" Rin demanded angrily.

"…huh?" Said Haru, since he hadn't been listening.

" I STILL feel like we're forgetting something…" Hatori frowned to himself. Of course, it was the fact that he had left his watch in the restroom earlier. What? OH! You're thinking about Ritsu.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

" Okay guys! Pico-Pico will now take you to your next destination." Pico-Pico let everyone know, and then WHAM! Just when you thought it couldn't any crazier… there was this… STORY about all this… STUFF. And it was called… SHOOPUF BASKET!

Sorry. It's just that I love to make fun of that commerical. Oh please, understand, oh gomen nasai.

" Haru… you smell like wet leather." Rin said angrily, since Haru was sitting next to her, and pushed him out of the seat. He then stumbled into Kyo.

" DON'T GET NEAR RATKILLER!" Kyo yelled, FAR too overprotectively, and shoved Haru all the way into the back of the bus. Haru endured all this with a calm expression.

" Now, now… let's not be mean to the Haru." Shigure said, shaking his finger back and forth. You see, he's already over his grudge with Haru now that he got his sweet, sweet revenge. At that moment, his cell phone beeped.

Where is his cell phone? In his cell phone carrier, of course! Where does he keep the carrier? Well… there's some places, unfortunately, we just can't take you.

" Since when did you have a cell phone?" Hatori asked.

" Since couples talk FREE!" Shigure yelled. " BOO-YAH!" Then he and Ayame gave each other a big high-five.

" Now let's see… I have EIGHTEEN voice messages…" Shigure murmured to himself. " All from the SAME caller. I WONDER who it could be?" Then he pressed play.

" Um, Sensei… I was wondering about the manuscript… well, anyway, just give me a call back." Came Mitchan's calm voice.

The second one had her sounding a little bit more urgent. By the time they got to number eighteen it sounded like this;

" GOODBYE WORLD! I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! I JUST CAN'T! THE MANUSCRIPT IS DUE IN TWO DAYS AND I DON'T HAVE A SINGLE PAGE OF IT FROM YOU, SENSEI! WHY, SENSEI? WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO MITCHAN? WHY? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!"

" Oops." Said Shigure.

" Why do you have to torture that poor woman so much? Why don't you just call back and tell her everything is going to be okay, and you'll have the manuscript ready for her when you get back?" Hatori sighed.

" Um… actually… I haven't." Shigure admitted. " I completely forgot about the manuscript."

" What?" Hatori blinked. " You haven't finished it?"

" I haven't started it, more persay…" Shigure said, stroking his chin sagely. " Wow. Now I have a two hundred page novel due in two days and I haven't written a single word."

Now, ANYONE but Shigure would probably be jumping up and down and screaming and pulling their hair out at this point. But that's anyone BUT Shigure. Everyone stared at him as he just sat there with an unfazed look.

" Um, Shigure? How are you possibly going to finish it?" Yuki asked.

" Why, don't you worry Yuki-Pukey. Your old uncle Shigure has everything AAAALL figured out." Shiugre chuckled like Kureno.

" For that woman's sake, I hope so." Hatori said grimly. Hey! You know what? Why does Hatori even CARE about Mitchan so much? Do you think he's in love with her? You know what! I bet he is! YEAH! THAT'S IT! THAT'S DEFINITELY IT!

YEAH! BOY! AM I RUNNING OUT OF LOGICAL THINGS TO WRITE ABOUT OR WHAT?!

" Pico-Pico has arrived at the designated designation!" Pico-Pico shouted.

" Finally." Hatori sighed. " Now we can all get out, get our stuff, and then leave this terrible vacation behind us."

" Um… Tori-san." Ayame said, tugging Hatori's sleeve.

" Not now Ayame." Hatori said.

" BUT TORI-SAN-" Ayame shouted.

" NOT… NOW…" Hatori said in a Terminator sort of voice and Ayame decided not to point out what he saw outside in the window. Everyone piled into a line like little ducklings behind Hatori and followed him off the bus. Shigure was walking and typing on his little laptop that came from the same place everything he does. Yes. He is multi-talented. He can WALK and TYPE at the same time! Why, I can barely walk, much less do it while I type!

" I hope to see you someday again! Until then… Pico-Pico bids you adieu! And his puppets too!" Pico-Pico added, wiping a tear away from his eye with one of his sock puppets.

" LITTLE WASHUUUUUU!" One of the little puppets said.

" DRIVE AWAY, PICO-PICO, DRIVE AWAY!" Everyone screamed at him. And so he did. " ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM! YEAH, YEAH, YEAH! AH NA HEY HEY!" The music played but there was abruptly an explosion because no one ever thought about Pico Pico or his stupid puppets ever again.

" Well…" Hatori said in a triumphant voice as if he never expected them actually to get back to the hotel, " Now we can… pack…up…" His voice trailed off as he stared at the pile of rubble that once was The Crazy Gringo Hotel.

" That's what I was TRYING to tell you, but nobody listens to AYAME." Ayame clucked in a disgusted voice.

" OH NO! ALL OUR STUFF!" All of the crazy teenagers cried and started running around in circles. Then they all realized they didn't have any stuff and calmed down.

" NOOOOO!" Kureno screamed, falling to his knees. " All of my brillant schemes… all my carefully drawn blueprints! GONE FOREVER! GONE FOREVER!"

" I'm sorry about your plans to kill us, Kureno. I myself, have just lost my favorite red toothbrush." Ayame said, patting Kureno on the head.

" Hey! Me too!" Shigure gasped. " I don't have a toothbrush anymore!"

" ME EITHER!" Momiji screamed and started to hypervenilate. Everyone started to panic and run around in circles again.

" Everyone calm down!" Hatori yelled because his head was hurting. " They're just TOOTHBRUSHES."

" Just because you don't brush your teeth, Hatori, doesn't mean you can make light of our peril." Shigure told Hatori in an offended voice.

" I do too brush my-"

" Zip it. No. Zip it. Zip it good. www. " Shigure said everytime Hatori tried to say something in his own defense.

" What's wit all da RACKET!" That Crazy Gringo yelled, shuffling out, still wearing Hatori's pants that completely swallowed up his legs.

" HEY YOU! CRAZY GRINGO!" Everyone yelled.

" Why is everything all blown up?" Yuki asked.

" Well, DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH…" That Crazy Gringo said for a really long time, and then had to stop and take a couple of breaths. " This story is almost over, capeesh? When the story starts to end, certain steps have to be taken. For one thing, you can't stay at this hotel anymore."

" So… you blow it up?" Hatori asked in a very dangerous voice. " You blow it up so all of our things like, oh… say… our clothing and hygenic products are buried in the rubble forever?"

" Uh-huh." That Crazy Gringo said.

" What about our car?" Shigure asked. " I don't see that anywhere and we need it to get home."

" I sold that on E-bay." That Crazy Gringo shrugged. " But don't worry. I got you an even better car so that you can get home okay."

Everyone waited for the even BETTER car to come, but unfortunately, only an even WORSE car came. It was one of those stupid cars that's shaped like a box with blue stripes on it that only three people can fit in properly. And perhaps a gerbil. But not a goldfish.

" So you're just leaving us broke, without any of our belongings, and with a horrible mode of transportation?" Hatori demanded of the pant-stealing Gringo.

" Oh yeah. Here. Everyone get's a peppermint, complimentary of the hotel." That Crazy Gringo said and passed one out ot everyone. Yuki stared and wished that it was CHEESE instead of peppermint but of course that would never happen. Ew… cheesy peppermint…

" And now… I'm off." That Crazy Gringo said as a helicopter came out of nowhere, and the theme from The Apprentince started to play as he walked towards the helicopter like Donald Trump. Then it lifted off and carried him away and this is the last time you will see him in the SOHMA'S lifetime.

Everyone stared at the blue box car blankly.

" SHOTGUN!" Kureno shouted.

" Darn…" Haru sighed, and snapped his fingers.

" That's no fair! Women should go first!" Kagura protested.

" NO… CHICKENS should go first." Kureno chuckled foolishly.

" Nobody is going first. Obviously, not all of us will be able to fit in this car." Hatori corrected them.

" Maybe it's like one of those CLOWN cars. It looks small, but you can fit like… A HUNDRED CLOWNS inside!" Momiji enthused hopefully.

" I don't know… Shigure?" Hatori asked, since he's at the end of his rope, and Shigure is the second smartest person there.

But all Shigure did was hold up a cardboard sign that said ZIP IT, because he was busily typing away at his manuscript. Hatori sighed, and turned to Ayame. No, Ayame isn't the THIRD smartest person there. He's more like… EIGHTH. But he's a member of the Mabudachi Trio.

" I think we should see if it's a clown car like Tohru said." Ayame shrugged.

" But you don't have to follow my humble opinion!" Tohru exclaimed even though she HADN'T said that it was a clown car. ARGH!

Well… to save a lot of time, and the reader's waning patience, it WAS a clown car. Well, it was a car that had an unfoldable back so that more people could get in. No, I don't know if those REALLY exist. Anyway, there was room for everyone, but only two seats with seatbelts. Everyone else would have to bounce around haphazardly in the back.

" Well… I'm the one driving." Hatori said. DUH.

" I called Shotgun! I called Shotgun!" Kureno declared.

" But I'm the one WRITING! I have to have STABLENESS!" Shigure whined.

" WHAT ABOUT RATKILLER?!" Kyo yelled at the top of his lungs and everyone stared at him.

" Ratkiller has to sit in the front." Kyo said now that he had everyone's attention.

" But Kyo… he's a goldfish." Hatori pointed out.

" I don't care. Either Ratkiller sits in the front seat, or I turn into my TRUE form." Kyo said with his arms crossed.

Well, since Kyo's true form REALLY smells bad, that crazy goldfish got to sit in the front seat. Everyone else looked despondently at the crazy cramped space they would all have to pile into.

" Well…" Said Hatori. " I have a good idea on how to make riding in the back a little bit more bearable."

" TELL US HATORI!" Everyone pleaded.

"… Everyone who turns into a small animals can hug Honda-kun, therefore making them into small animals that won't take up space. Discounting the girls of course." Hatori added.

" WHAT?! BUT WE DON'T WANNA!" Everyone with an embarassing Jyuunichi form shouted. In other words, Hiro and Ritsu. Oh… well, then no one shouted. Hatori would shout but he's getting to drive.

" It's the LEAST I could do for you!" Tohru exclaimed.

" But I can't write when I'm a dog!" Shigure whined, pointing out the obvious.

" But you're one of the bigger people here." Hatori sighed.

" Are you calling me FAT?!" Shigure gasped, drawing himself up in a huff.

" I don't mind." Said Haru. He held out his arms towards Tohru. " Go ahead."

" Haru, you'll turn into a cow. You're not one of the people I had in mind for this idea." Hatori told Haru sternly.

" Oh yeah? Well you're plankton. I think Tohru should hug YOU." Haru replied cooly.

" I have to drive. And no more arguing. Everyone but me, Haru, and Momiji gets a hug."

" What? I wanna hug from Tohru!" Momiji whined.

" Momiji, you're already small." Hatori pointed out.

" Man! I wish I was big!" Momiji wished but of course his wish didn't come true.

" The Lone Chicken will not be hugged by the likes of YOU." Kureno said proudly, and snapped his fingers back and forth at Tohru in a dissing sort of way, then strutted into the back part of the car.

" Okay! I respect your feelings!" Tohru exclaimed foolishly. Then she gave Yuki, Ayame, Shigure and Kyo a BIG hug! She didn't hug Kagura or Rin. Don't even make me tell you why. Of course, if you DON'T know why, that means you've never even REALLY seen Fruits Basket and you just like to read random fanfics. And that's just IMPOSHIBIBBLE!

" I am a snake." Ayame stated obviously. He then slithered into the back part, followed by Shigure who was carrying his labtop in his mouth. Yuki and Kyo followed, glaring at each other all the way! Tohru, Kagura, Rin, Momiji, Kureno and Haru followed them. It was still sort of cramped, but just imagine how cramped it would be if those four WEREN'T animals!

" Alright, then. Let's go." Hatori said, and turned the key and kicked into… waaaaait for it… LOW GEAR! Because Hatori doesn't drive in high gear. He drove contently along. He was so… GLAD. Now they were headed home. FINALLY.

" Maybe I can write as a dog." Shigure thought outloud, and tried to push his paw down on the letter 'H'. Hngmujh appeared on the screen. " Nope." Said Shigure.

" I could write for you, if you just told me what you wanted to say." Momiji said.

" No, Momitchi, I'm afraid what I write is not for young, impressionable ears." Shigure said proudly.

" Why? I wanna read!" Momiji exclaimed, and he and Haru grabbed Shigure's labtop and started skimming through the word document.

" No! Give that back!" Shigure barked.

" What are YOU going to do? You're just a dog. Hey, let's go on Quizilla. He has the internet." Haru said, because who doesn't love taking those CRAZY quizzes?

" Haa-san, they took my labtop!" Shigure whined.

" Tough luck." Hatori said, ignoring him. So Shigure whined pitifully, but it didn't work, so he curled up with his tail hung low.

" I'm hungry." Kyo said randomly.

" Well, there's a nice juicy goldfish right in the front seat." Ayame said in a tired voice, as if he had to tell Kyo EVERYTHING.

" WHAT?! ARE YOU SUGGESTING I WOULD EAT RATKILLER JUST BECAUSE I'M THE CAT?! WELL, I WOULDN'T! YOU HEAR THAT, YOU STUPID BASTARD!" The Kyo cat called desprately at the front seat. " Don't worry Ratkiller! I'd NEVER eat you!"

" Okay. Then eat Yuki." Ayame said.

" NII-SAN!" Yuki the rat exclaimed.

" Just kidding." Ayame chuckled like Kureno. " Although I always wondered if he could really do that."

" I would never eat Yuki. I'd probably get poisioned from his nastiness and die too." Kyo scoffed, but not like Carson, that's too disturbing to think about.

" You couldn't eat me if you TRIED." Yuki scoffed like Carson.

" What a strange conversation." Shigure observed.

" Hey look! I'm Peregrin Took and his Simpleminded Idiocy! Which secret LOTR personality problem are YOU, Haru?" Momiji exclaimed, as they were taking those crazy Quizilla tests on Shigure's labtop.

"… Meriadoc Brandybuck and his Insatiable Bloodthirst." Haru replied after a few seconds.

" I could TOO! Not only that, but in the forms we are in now, I could kick your ass!" Kyo snapped, bristling in anger.

" Could not."

" Could too!"

" Baka neko."

" KUSO NEZUMI! THIS IS THE DAY I BEAT YOU!" Kyo yelled, raising one claw and swiping it down at Yuki.

Just before the claws hit him, the Yuki rat leapt up into the air, a matrix camera rotation occurred, and kicked Kyo in the throat. Kyo went flying into Kagura.

" KYO-KUN! ARE YOU OKAY?! Let me comfort you." Kagura said, glomping Kyo.

" Oro?" Kyo said with swirly eyes.

Then Yuki landed perfectly on the floor, and it would have been the coolest thing ever but he was just a rat.

" This quiz is making me hungry!" Momiji whined as they took a quiz on what sort of Cheese were they. (Haru was MUNSTER!) " Can we get something to eat?"

" Me too." Said Haru.

" You can have something to eat when we get home." Hatori said, in denial that they were ever getting out of the car again until they got home.

" But that'll take FOREVER!" Momiji cried.

" HEY! I didn't know you were going to starve us until we got back to Japan! Now I want to get something to eat!" Shigure exclaimed in an offended tone.

" Me too! I am very hungry! I feel my body growing weak! I can't feel my arms or legs!" Ayame cried, slithering around in circles.

" WE'RE HUNGRY, HATORI!" Everyone who was hungry whined.

" Don't…you want to just… wait…until we get… home?" Hatori said in a very desperate voice.

" NO!" Everyone shouted.

Hatori sadly gave in, and looked around for somewhere to eat. He then saw IHOP. Hooray! Everyone loves IHOP! So he pulled in to the parking lot, and then turned around to look at everyone.

" Okay." He said. " We'll eat here. But Shigure and Ayame, you have to pay because I have no money to my name anymore."

" FINE." Ayame and Shigure sighed.

" And we'll have to wait for you four to turn back into your original forms. So everyone get out while we wait for them to transform back." Hatori said, and everyone got out except for Ayame, Shigure, Kyo and Yuki.

" What is IHOP?" Momiji asked since he's a poor, unenlightened Japanese child.

" It's a resturaunt." Hatori replied.

" Do we have to hop?" Haru asked.

" No." Hatori said.

" Good." Said Haru. " I don't like to hop."

Finally, everyone turned back into a human and put their clothes on and hopped out of the car. Then all of the Sohmas and Tohru started walking towards IHOP.

" I will NOT go." Kureno stated randomly and everyone turned around to stare at him. " The Lone Chicken will have nothing to do with ANY IHOP. Instead, I will stay here and guard the car."

" Whatever, Kureno." Everyone said and continued on their way.

" Flunky! Aren't you going to stay with me?" Kureno called.

" No." Said Kyo.

The IHOP was very deserted except for a random trucker named Trucker Bill who walked out soon after the Sohmas arrived and then exploded, leaving his poor truck truckerless. Even though this doesn't happen in real life, a lady in the front told everyone ' Welcome to IHOP' and gave everyone a sheet with the Specials on it so they wouldn't have to ask about it later.

" The tables only sit four. We'll have to split up." Hatori said.

" NOOOOOOOO!" Ayame and Shigure yelled dramatically.

" What? It's not like you two have to split up." Hatori said.

" We know. We just like to be a funny contrast to you and your boring melodramatic common sense." Shigure said.

" …" Said Hatori, and now they all decided where they would sit.

Table 1

Hatori Shigure

Ayame

Table 2

YukiKyo

TohruHaru

Table 3

RinKagura

Momiji

Yes, it is safe to assume you won't be hearing a lot out of Table 3. Also, these are those crazy BOOTH tables, not the square ones. It's rectangular. OKAY! RECTANGULAR!

With that said, HAJIMEMASHTA! DA-HUCK!

HOOONK!

" Here's your menus. Can I get you gentlemen any refreshments?" Asked Sue the exploding waitress.

" You must wait paitently, while I go through every drink and the possibility of drinking it, and then I will tell you what drink I desire." Ayame said very slowly, as if Sue would not understand if he didn't go slow.

" Okay." Said Sue.

" I'll take a coffee, please." Hatori said politely, taking his and Ayame's menu from her.

" GASP! Hatori, that's what I was going to get! You copied me! Now I have to get something else." Shigure sighed, taking his menu and putting it in front of the labtop in front of him.

" No you don't." Hatori started to say.

" Zip it. Now… Sue-kun, was it? What would be your personal reccomendation?" Shigure said in a very sexy voice.

" Orange Juice!" Sue exclaimed, because she has no brain, and didn't even notice Shigure flirting with her.

" Orange Juice it is." Shigure said. Then they all waited another ten minutes for Ayame to make up his mind.

" I will have… tea. But it must be the most perfect tea you have ever made in your life. It must be brewed from your finest tea leaves, and mixed with just the right amount of sugar. And it must not be too sweet, but it must not be bitter. And you must not brew it with a spoon. You must brew it with a perfectly round wooden brewing stick. And it must have a lemon attached to the rim that will not ruin it. And it must be the most beautiful lemon in the world…"

" Okay." Said Sue and walked off.

"… and there must not be too much ice, but not no ice at all. The ice must not melt until I am ready for it to melt…" Ayame was still saying.

" She's gone, Aya." Shigure pointed out.

" How rude! When she comes back, I shall complain." Ayame said in an offended manner.

Hatori hid his head behind the menu and sighed deeply.

HOOONK!

" Here's your menus. Can I get you kids any refreshments?" Asked Sue the exploding waitress.

_I hope there's CHEESE listed here somewhere._ Yuki thought, looking through the menu. " Um… yes. Just let me think really quick."

" I would like strawberry juice, please." Tohru said because she LOVES strawberries.

" I'm sorry. We don't have strawberry juice." Sue said.

" Okay. Then I'll just have water." Tohru said happily.

" Soda." Said Kyo. " PLEASE!" He exclaimed randomly, because he had almost forgotten to say it.

" What kind of soda?" Sue asked.

" Uh…uh…" Kyo said, getting very self-concious and under stress. This is why you could never take Kyo on a date to a resturaunt. " Uh… SPRITE! NO WAIT! UH, YEAH SPRITE! SPRITE! SPRIIIIIIIITE!" He yelled, standing up with a triumphant look. " AND I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS!"

" We don't have sprite. We have seven up." Sue said.

" Okay." Said Kyo quietly, and sat down turning very red.

" I will have tea please." Yuki said politely. Kyo glared at him. " What do you want, Haru?" Yuki asked Haru.

" Huh?" Said Haru who hadn't been paying attention.

" What kind of drink do you want?" Yuki asked again patiently.

" Oh… Hm…" Haru said and went into deep thought and everyone waited ten minutes for him to decide.

" Water." Haru said finally.

" WATER?! YOU WASTE ALL THAT TIME FOR WATER! YOU'RE SO STUPID!" Kyo screamed at Haru who just ignored him and started looking through the menu.

" Okay." Said Sue and walked off.

HOOONK!

" Here's your menus. Can I get you girls any refreshments?" Asked Sue the exploding waitress.

" Orange Juice!" Kagura said.

" Coffee. And make it STRONG." Rin said.

" Milk, please!" said Momiji.

" Okay." Said Sue and walked off.

HOOONK!

" What is taking so long?! How disgraceful!" Ayame clucked.

" Ayame, you asked for the most ridiculously, painstakingly made tea ever." Hatori pointed out.

" Well, EXCUUUUSE me. I think you should be just a little bit more grateful, Tori-san, as I am paying for YOUR food." Ayame said proudly.

" But I didn't even want to eat…" Hatori started to say.

" That's okay, Tori-san. You know I would do anything for you. Please choose any item on the menu and I will get it for you without any hesitation!" Ayame said, patting Hatori on the back. " And on that note…" He got up and yelled across the room. " ALL OF YOU CHILDREN WHO I AM BUYING FOOD FOR, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CHOOSE ANY ITEM UNDER TWO DOLLARS!"

" TWO DOLLARS?!" Kyo screamed from the other table.

" I don't know what to choose…" Shigure said, stroking his chin.

" May I choose for you?" Ayame asked hopefully.

" Sure." Said Shigure and handed over the menu.

" It all looks pretty good. But I think I'll get-" Hatori started to say, but then Ayame grabbed his menu too.

" I will choose for you too, Tori-san! You two be grateful for my diligent planning!" Ayame exclaimed and then was very quiet as he started to map out what the Mabudachi Trio would eat at IHOP.

Hatori sighed and looked over at Shigure who was typing. " So what are you writing about?"

" HEE-MEET-SUU." Shigure said just like Yuki in that episode.

" Well, what kind of story is it?" Hatori asked again curiously.

" BUTT OUT, HAA-SAN!" Shigure said in a very loud and overdramatic voice. " I am trying to write and you keep asking annoying questions! Can't you leave me alone and be QUIET for once in your life? GEEZ!"

Hatori sighed again, and proceeded to amuse himself by reading the backs of sugar packets.

HOOONK!

" This is so fun!" Tohru exclaimed.

" No it's not. I have to sit with Yuki AND Haru." Kyo said angrily.

" I'm fun to sit with." Haru said in an offended voice.

" No, you're not." Kyo replied.

" Minna-san, what do you think you'll get?" Tohru asked everyone happily.

" I don't know yet." Yuki lied as he stared obsessively at a picture of a cheese omelet and tried not to drool.

" Hm…" Said Haru.

" Kyo-kun, are you going to get fish?" Tohru asked.

" Idiot! This is a pancake resturant. Why would they have fish?" Kyo said angrily.

" Maybe they have fish pancakes!" Tohru exclaimed.

" Maybe they have LEEK pancakes." Yuki put in.

" They BETTER not!" Kyo yelled, as if he were going to blow the mother down if it DID.

" I like jam." Haru said finally.

" Me too. I wonder how you make jam?" Tohru said randomly.

" Hm… me too." Haru replied. " I wonder if they make it in a factory."

" That would be a very fun factory to work in!"

" I should work there."

" OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE STUPIDEST CONVERSATION WITH THE STUPIDEST PEOPLE AT THE STUPIDEST TABLE EVER!" Kyo yelled at the top of his lungs.

HOOONK!

Bladdy bladdy waddy

HOOONK!

" I'm back. Now have you decided on what to eat?" Sue the exploding waitress asked, having returned with the drinks.

" YES! Now listen very carefully now, because if a single thing goes wrong with this order, I will demand a full refund, or make you cook it again until you get it right. I want the most perfectly round pancake with a circumfrence of 8.2 and a radius of 4.1, with just enough syrup so it covers the pancake but doesn't fall off the pancake and get stuck on my fingers, so that my hair will get sticky if I touch it. The butter must come from the finest cow…"

" Why won't you tell me about your story?" Hatori asked, passing Shigure his drink.

Shigure ignored him, but took the drink.

" My friend will have hashbrowns. They must be just the right shade of brown, or else I am afraid they will have to be disposed of. They must be crispy on the outside but perfectly soft on the inside. It must easily melt in your mouth, but if it falls apart when he touches it, I will not accept it. The parsely that comes with it must look beautiful but also taste good if he decides to eat it…"

" Why won't you tell me?" Hatori demanded. " Is it dirty or something?"

" How dare you accuse me of writing something dirty, you bad, bad man!" Shigure gasped in a mock high pitch voice.

" Now my friend sitting next to me will have the eggs. The chicken that laid these eggs must have been a chicken with the purest white feathers, and the eggs that the yolk comes from must have been perfectly round and smooth with no spots on them, or strange bumps. The eggs must have been kept in a sealed carton, not one that was partially open at any time…"

" Wait… are you just not telling me to make me mad? Or is it really something you don't want me to know about?" Hatori asked suspicously.

" Sorry, Hatori can't talk now, gotta write." Shigure said quickly.

" Let me see that labtop." Hatori said, reaching over the table but Shigure scooted away so he couldn't reach him.

" Do you have all that written down? Also, the food must be delivered to us exactly ten minutes after it is made, otherwise it will be old and unfresh and not fit to eat anymore." Ayame finished.

" Okay." Said Sue and walked off.

" Tell me!" Hatori said.

" Yara!" Shigure said with happy eyes.

" Can I see?" Ayame asked and Shigure immediately showed him at an angle where Hatori couldn't see. Then they both started to snicker.

Hatori glared and went back to broodingly reading the sugar packets.

HOOONK!

" I'm back. Now have you decided on what to eat?" Sue the exploding waitress asked, having returned with the drinks.

" Yes. I will have the cheese omelet." Yuki said super fast, because he was afraid that if he didn't say it quickly, then the world would explode or something and he wouldn't get his cheese.

" Cheese omelet. Do you want that with EXTRA cheese?" Sue asked.

Yuki started to say DO I EVER?! But then he remembered everyone was around him and how silly he would look if he ordered extra cheese. So with all his strength he managed to say, " No."

" I would like the strawberry pancakes, please." Tohru said.

"…(bacon and eggs)" Kyo mumbled self-conciously.

" What?" Sue asked.

" Bacon and eggs." Kyo said quietly.

" WHAT?" Sue repeated.

" BACON AND EGGS!" Kyo screamed at the top of his lungs and stood up in his seat again.

" Sure. Do want them sunny side up?" Asked Sue

" Okay." Said Kyo, took his seven up from her and started sipping it in an embrassed way.

" And you, sir?" Sue asked Haru.

" I don't know… it's really hard to decide." Haru said slowly.

" You BETTER not make us wait ten minutes like last time!" Kyo threatened.

But this time, Haru made them wait THIRTY minutes. It was really horrible because Yuki was growing more nervous and nervous by the second, because he kept waiting for some sort of disaster to happen that would keep him from eating his omelet, and Kyo kept whining the whole time and Tohru kept saying, " That sounds good!" everytime Haru said something.

" Toast." Haru said finally.

" Just toast?" Sue asked.

" Just toast." Haru replied.

" How many pieces?"

" One."

" Okay." Said Sue and walked off.

" Toast? TOAST? ONE PIECE OF STUPID TOAST?! IT TOOK YOU THIRTY GODDAMN MINUTES TO DECIDE ON JUST A PIECE OF TOAST?!" Kyo screamed at Haru.

_What sort of jam should I use on my toast?_ Haru thought contently, off in his own little world.

HOOONK!

" I'm back. Now have you decided on what to eat?" Sue the exploding waitress asked, having returned with the drinks.

" Pancakes! But they have to be shaped like a cat!" Kagura said.

" Pancakes for me too." Rin said sexily, but it was even more sexy because she was ordering sexy pancakes.

" I'll have pancakes, but can I have chocolate pieces that look like a smiley face?" Momiji asked.

" Okay." Said Sue.

" YAY!" Said Momiji.

" Okay." Said Sue and walked off.

HOOONK!

" If you guys don't let me read that, I'm going to be really mad." Hatori said.

" OOOH…" Ayame and Shigure said in an overdramatic voice.

" No, I'm serious. I'll never take you guys with me to Farmer's Market again." Hatori said seriously.

" WHAT? But we always got to Farmer's Market together, every year! It's a Mabudachi tradition!" Shigure exclaimed.

" Well, if you can't even show me the stupid story, I'll just have to break that tradition." Hatori said.

Ayame and Shigure looked at each other uncomfortably.

" And I won't give you any Christmas presents." Hatori decided spontaneously.

" But I LOVE your Christmas presents! You always spend so much time carefully picking them out and wrapping them, and you even have a card with a carefully written card with it, and all we give you in return is a Blockbuster giftcard!" Ayame cried.

" Well, tough cookies." Hatori said with a smirk, and sat back and knew he had won.

Shigure sighed. " Fine…" He said reluctantly and slid the labtop over to Hatori.

Hatori scrolled to the top of the page and began to read. " Once there was a young man named Henry…"

HOOONK!

" So… how do you guys feel about this vacation?" Haru asked everyone.

" Sucked." Yuki and Kyo said at the same time Tohru said, " LOVELY!"

" I don't think it was bad, but I don't think it was good. I liked it when I saw ' The Notebook.' I didn't like it when Kyo stole my umbrella." Haru said thoughtfully.

" Shut up about your stupid umbrella!" Kyo snapped.

" That umbrella was a Christmas present to me from Hatori-nii. He got it for me because he said he didn't want me to catch a cold in the rain anymore." Haru let Kyo know.

" Who CARES?" Kyo snapped, but now felt sort of bad about it because Hatori was the only Sohma who always got Kyo a Christmas Present too besides Kazuma.

" It's almost Christmas! I wonder what to get Uo-chan and Hana-chan…" Tohru said aloud. " I know they'll probably get me something wonderful, so I have to do my best!"

" I wonder what they'll give me." Haru said.

" Like they'll get YOU anything." Kyo said.

" Everyone should get me something." Haru said in a surprised voice.

" Well, I won't!" Kyo yelled.

" That's okay Kyo. I'll still get YOU something." Haru said kindly.

" ARGH!" Yelled Kyo.

You're a mean one… Mr. Kyo…

" DON'T SING THAT!"

HOOONK!

Heedy heedy HEEEE!

HOOONK!

" Here's your food. Enjoy." Sue the Exploding Waitress said and gave everyone their food.

" TOOK you long enough." Ayame said, but he was ignored. Sue handed Ayame his perfectly round pancake, Shigure his perfectly shaded hashbrowns, and Hatori his perfectly laid eggs. Shigure stared in amazement that the food had actually been cooked with such perfection.

" This food is… it is…" Ayame started to say, and then looked up at Sue. " TOO perfect. I am afraid you have made it so perfect that I can not even bear to look at it."

" Okay." Said Sue and walked off.

" It's okay Aya. I'll eat your pancake for you." Shigure told Ayame, and immediately been scarfing down Ayame's pancake and his own hasbrowns like a starved dog.

" Why aren't you eating, Tori-san?" Ayame asked in a wounded voice, since Hatori hadn't even looked at the eggs Ayame had ordered for him.

"… Shigure?" Hatori asked slowly.

" Nani?" Shigure replied with a mouth full of food.

" Did you base this book on me?" Hatori continued politely.

" My heavens, of course not! What could EVER make you think a thing like that?!" Shigure gasped overdramatically.

" ' Henry looked down at Kate, her form small and distant to him, even though she was close enough for him to feel her every breath. He cursed that he had been born with such a curse that caused him to shrink to the size of her thumb whenever he made love with her. She couldn't live with such memories in her heart.

' It's okay, Kate. I'm going to hit you with this shovel. Hopefully you'll go into a coma and forget all about me.' Henry told Kate.'"

Hatori quit reading and then stared at Shigure with a very angry expression.

" Hatori, I do not understand how you can think that story has anything even REMOTELY to do with you." Shigure scoffed.

" It has EVERYTHING to do with me! You just took my life and twisted it around- horribly, I might add. What gives you the right to sell out my own sorrow?!" Hatori exclaimed, banging one fist down on the table.

" Hatori. The person in the story's name is HENRY. Not HATORI." Ayame stated as if Hatori were the stupidest person in the world.

" DUUUUUH." Shigure added.

Hatori stared at Shigure, who was grinning evilly, and was filled with a sudden urge. He then picked up the labtop and ran out of the resturaunt.

" HEY! HATORI! WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH MY LABTOP?!" Shigure yelled, running out after him.

" YOU TWO ARE SO UNGRATEFUL TO ME, LEAVING ME HERE ALL ALONE AFTER I WENT TO ALL THIS TROUBLE!" Ayame yelled after them, but then realized he was okay because he had a little mirror in his pocket and began to admire his own reflection.

HOOONK!

" Here's your food. Enjoy." Sue the Exploding Waitress said and gave everyone their food.

_YES! YES! YES!_ Yuki screamed mentally, and took his omelet with trembling hands. He then placed it in front of him and stared at it obsessively.

" Oishi!" Tohru exclaimed, taking her pancakes.

" Here's yours, sweetie." Sue said and gave Haru a tiny plate with a slightly singed piece of toast on it. Haru looked down at it with a very surprised look, as if he had thought toast was something else, and definitely not what was being served to him.

" This is it?" Haru asked in a dissapointed voice.

" Yup." Sue said, placing Kyo's eggs in front of him. Haru looked enviously at Kyo's eggs.

" I wish I had gotten those." Haru said.

" Well, you DIDN'T." Kyo said moodily, digging his fork into an egg.

" Okay." Said Sue and walked off.

Everyone began to eat but Haru. Yuki ate the cheese omelet, savoring every morsel. I bet you can't imagine anything happier and cuter than happy little Yuki and his omelet right now. Tohru just LOVED her strawberry pancakes! Kyo was eating his eggs, but slowly because he's a slow eater. Haru stared down at his toast as if he hated it more than anything in the entire world.

" Kyo-kun! Are you enjoying your eggs?" Tohru asked foolishly.

" Huh? Oh… I guess…" Kyo said uneasily, looking up at her. When he looked down, the amount of eggs looked smaller. He frowned and continued to eat.

" Look! Hatori-san is running out of the resturaunt!" Tohru exclaimed as Hatori went rushing out of the resturaunt on his long, short-wearing legs.

" Where the hell is he going?!" Kyo grumbled, watching him run off. He looked down at his plate. Now even MORE of his food was missing. He looked at Yuki. Yuki was happily eating. He looked at Haru. Haru hadn't even touched his toast.

" Haru?! Are you eating my eggs?!" Kyo yelled.

Haru shook his head innocently.

" There goes Shigure-san too!" Tohru exclaimed, and Kyo turned to watch Shigure running and yelling like a fool. When he looked back, now he only had a LITTLE bit of eggs left.

" HARU!" He yelled. " STOP EATING MY EGGS!"

" Am not." Haru replied with his mouth full.

" YOU ARE TOO, YOU STUPID LITTLE PUNK!" Kyo screamed.

" What's that?" Haru said, pointing behind Kyo in the most excited way he could muster.

" What?" Kyo replied, falling for it like a fool. When he looked back, he had no more eggs left.

" HARU!!" Kyo screamed in agony. " ARGH!"

" Do you want my toast?" Haru asked.

HOOONK!

Bladdy BLADDY BLADDY!

HOOONK!

" HATORI!" Shigure yelled as Hatori ran through the woods. " GIVE IT BACK!"

Hatori didn't stop running until he came to a large cliff. He then stopped and stared at Shigure, who was running up to him. He gave Shigure an evil look.

" YOU wouldn't!" Shigure exclaimed, slowing down down to a jog.

Hatori wound up his arms in a pitching motion.

" NOOOOOOOO!" Shigure screamed dramatically and lunged as Hatori chucked Shigure's labtop off the cliff. He then watched it fall millions and millions of miles down until he couldn't even see anything but a tiny dot. And then the tiny dot dissapeared.

" YOU HORRIBLE BASTARD! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?!" Shigure cried, and took out his little fan and hit Hatori on the head with it. Hatori just smirked.

" That felt good." He said.

Just so you know, the labtop hit a raccoon named Tanuki-san on the head. Tanuki-san dragged the labtop back to his home and learned how to use it, became the smartest raccoon in the world, and wrote what would have been a best-selling novel, but then he exploded. So sorry.

OMAKE!

Wow… that took a LOOOONG time. Luckily, I got this just in time for Christmas for all of you. Hee. Christmas is my birthday you know. Be sure to remember that! RIGHT! Oh yes, and person, you didn't see Carl. That was a Carl minion disguised as Carl. How do I know? Because Carl is a wooper. And he doesn't wear shirts.

I forgot to say this last time, but oh well. Send questions to Kazuma next time! (Don't worry, it WILL come.)

Anyway, HAYLEY got a lot of questions! Let's answer them, Hayley! OKAY!

Rachey: Wait, do you like Hatori? Is that why you make fun of him so much? I love Haa-san! Hearts

Hayley: OF COURSE I LOVE HATORI! He and Ayame are tied for my favorite character! I'm a lot like both of them in separate ways. I make fun of him because I love him and you have to admit he's funniest when he's being tortured.

Did you know I used to live in Dallas, Texas?

Hayley: OH YEAH! DALLAS TEXAS! FULL OF CRIME! GO US!

And in Chapter 1, you wrote: "Like Ken being a detective", did you mean Hidaka Ken? Our very own ex-J-leaguer turned assasin? And why did I aske this 17 chapters later? A mystery... Like Rin...

Hayley: Uh… actually I meant Ken from Digimon. But what you said is COOLER! (thumbs up with the big cheesy Kenji grin)

Person:

Who's your favorite character of Fruits Basket and WHY?

Hayley: As I said earlier, a tie between Ayame and Hatori. They're both just so… fun. And I'm a mix of them both. I like to be alone, and don't ask for much from other people, but I am very proud, don't care what other people say about me, and I suppose you can guess from reading this fic, very STRANGE and LOUD.

What's your favorite pairing?

Hayley: Hm… Definitely Tohru and Kyo. Those two go together like… bread. I recently got into Yuki and Machi, though.

3. Do you like the Madubachi (I hope I spelled that right ;;) Trio?

Hayley: You did. And yes. I live for Mabudachi.

Bigfoot: NO QUESTIONS FOR BIGFOOT?! BIGFOOT SAD.

Hayley: Ah well. It's okay Foot-chan. So send questions for Kazuma next time. He's DA MAN! OI OI OI, YEAH YEAH, LET'S SING ABOUT KAZUMA! (hopes you've memorized that song by now)

Ja!


	20. PARAPARA and the Smart Tabibito

Chapter 19

Akito de Para-Para and The Most Intelligent Traveler in the World

Wow. We haven't heard from Akito, Kazuma, Kiba OR Brock in a long time. Don't worry. They didn't explode. In fact, they were stealthily transgressing through their own plotline as the OTHER plotline was going on. By the time I got around to writing this, they had ALREADY reached North Dakota, those sly…people…

" FINALLY! NORTH DAKOTA!" Akito cackled insanely. " We are here, Bird." He whispered to the little jewel.

" Uh… yeah… well, I'm busy right now, so can you find something else to do until I can get back to you? Chirp." Came the bird's voice from the crazy jewel thing.

" Fine…" Akito sighed. " Minion, find me something to do until the bird is ready to tell us of his plans."

" I am not your minion. Is anyone hungry?" Kazuma asked.

" If you are hungry, I WILL MAKE FOOD! IT'S MY ONLY PURPOSE IN LIFE, BESIDES BEING INFAUTATED WITH RANDOM WOMEN!" Brock exclaimed like a fool.

" We don't NEED food. We can live off the MOONLIGHT!" Kiba declared, even that was a lie. Believe me. I tried it.

" Kiba, it's daylight outside." Kazuma told Kiba.

" Oh." Said Kiba. " Well, in that case, I want a Happy Meal."

" Me too. I want to try my luck with this… 'Happy Meal' once more…" Akito said menacingly, rubbing his hands together.

" Why have a Happy Meal when I can make you BACON DOUBLE CHEESBURGERS?" Brock asked incredolously, unable to understand the stupidity of his own dub.

" Pineapple haired one! I desire not your disgusting rice balls!" Akito hissed.

" They're BACON DOUBLE CHEESBURGERS!" Brock protested.

" NO THEY'RE NOT!" Akito yelled, grabbing the onigiri that stuck to Brock's head earlier and started shaking it around. " IS THERE ANY CHEESE? NO! IS THERE ANY BACON? NO! IS THERE ANY BURGER? NO! THEREFORE IT IS NOT A DOUBLE BACON CHEESEBURGER!"

" Is it a donut?" Brock asked.

" NO! IT IS A RICEBALL!" Akito screamed.

Brock looked at Akito. Then he looked back at the riceball. Suddenly, he realized he had been living a lie all his dubbed life, and found himself unable to say anything in his own defense.

" Now… Happy Meal…" Akito said dangerously in his lispy japanese voice, pointing ahead at some random North Dakotan mall that had popped out of nowhere.

" Do we have to?" Kazuma sighed. " I would much rather head over to Colters Barbeque."

" NO!" Akito yelled.

" Okay!" Kazuma said like he always does, and drove over to the North Dakotan mall which we will call Ballyview. I know I said we couldn't go to Mcdonalds last time, but that was with the SOHMAS. This is with Akito. And I can't go against Akito's rule. Why? It is… the curse.

(sobs)

So, Kazuma drove up all nice and spiffy to the Ballyview mall. Everyone was amazed because they had never seen a mall before, then quickly got over it. Kazuma let everyone out of the car and they proceeded to the Food Court.

" Okay…" Said Kazuma as they were walking there. " Does EVERYONE want a Happy Meal?"

" YES!" Shouted Kiba and Akito. Brock said nothing. Don't worry. He's still depressed. There he was, thinking he was a master chef who could cook donuts and bacon double cheeseburgers out of RICE, but in reality he was only making riceballs…out of rice.

Kazuma chuckled like Kureno randomly.

" Why do you chuckle, minion?" Akito asked as if that were a crime.

" I'm not your minion. I was just remembering all the times I used to take …………KYO up to Mcdonalds and get him a Happy Meal. And he'd always end up getting the GIRL'S toy instead of the BOY'S toy. HAH HAH HAH!" Kazuma laughed as if it were the most hilarious thing in the world but nobody else shared his good cheer.

" It's close… Mcdonalds…" Kiba randomly said in a dramatic voice.

" Kiba, can you PLEASE stop that?" Kazuma sighed, angry because no one had laughed at Kyo with him, and taking it out on Kiba. " Everyone knows that's just one of the MANY reasons Wolf's Rain didn't measure up to the fan's expectations."

" We did too measure up to expectations. We have more people watching us than anyone watching YOUR show." Kiba scoffed like werewolf Carson.

" UM. That's because your show was on Cartoon Network which is just for a bunch of dub-loving weenies." Kazuma scoffed right BACK.

" WHAT'S WRONG WITH DUBS?!" Brock cried in his overdramatic dub voice.

" Cartoon Network isn't for weenies! What about… INUYASHA?" Kiba demanded.

AHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHA!

Everyone turned around to stare at Hayley strangely.

Sorry guys… it's just… AHAHAHAHA! INUYASHA! Hee-hee… (wipes away tear and suddenly looks very evil) Someday… the Inuyasha will die…

" Our show was wonderful." Kiba said once more.

" No, it wasn't. It was Weiss Kruss, only not. Even worse, it was Weiss Kruss with an intelligent plot, but NOBODY CARED!" Kazuma said in his best debating voice.

" QUIT HATING! HATER!" Kiba shouted.

" OH, GO LOOK FOR CHEZA, YOU RAKUEN OBSESSED IDIOT!" Kazuma shouted back.

" Cheza? Where?! Cheza…Cheza…Cheza…" Kiba repeated over and over looking all around.

" Here's the Food Court." Kazuma said because that's enough making fun of dub-loving weenies. " Is everyone SURE they want Mcdonalds?"

" YES!" Akito hissed impatiently.

" Well, I WANTED Colters." Kazuma said hopefully.

" No one cares what you want you dumb minion with alternatively blonde or silver hair. Now go get me my Happy Meal this VERY INSTANT!" Akito yelled and caused a lot of people to turn around and stare at him with googly eyes.

" I'm not your minion. Okay!" Kazuma said like he always does, and walked off to go get the Happy Meals. Akito found a table right next to a fountain that he wanted to sit in, and threw random potted plants at the small children that were sitting there. After they ran away screaming, he, Brock, and Kiba sat down and waited patiently for Kazuma. Okay. So not so patiently.

" My whole life… I thought I was a master chef. But I'm just an average ONIGIRI maker." Brock sighed. I believe he's having a midlife crisis, ya'll.

" Not only that, but your eyes are lines." Kiba pointed out not too helpfully.

" I know. They don't even have a COLOR. And all my Pokemon are ROCKS. And BORING rocks at that. In fact, I'm so pathetic I have a Pokemon whose name is a pun on PINECONE." Brock sighed again.

" That's pretty bad." Everyone in the Food Court agreed.

" Well, at least you don't have to be the master of TWELVE beautiful people who obey your every command, not to mention a FEISTY but still very hot demon cat. NO ONE APPRECIATES MY PAIN!" Akito shouted.

I wish I were Akito… I think it's time to sing again.

OI, OI, OI, YEAH, YEAH, I WISH I WERE AKITO!

I wish I were Akito,

And I'd be insane.

I wish I were Akito,

And I'd cause the Sohmas PAIN!

If I were Akito,

Everyday would be full of HATE,

And I'd be hiding something shocking,

Unless you've read chapter NINETY-EIGHT!

I'd throw a vase at Hatori,

And tell him he's cold as snow,

I'd grope and fondle Haru,

And throw Rin out a WIN-DOW!

Oh, if only, only, only,

I had my little Jyuunichi,

MY KINGDOM FOR AKITO,

MY KINGDOM FOR AKITO!

Aki, aki, poisonous Aki,

Aki, aki, my Mabudachi Aki!

…

" I'm back! Here's your chicken nuggets, Akito." Kazuma said, handing Akito a Happy Meal. I wonder if it's such a good idea to eat chicken nuggets when you are doing an evil BIRD'S bidding, but… oh well.

" Yes…!" Akito hissed like the spoiled brat he is, and went immediately to open his Happy Meal Toy. With help from his minions, he opened it only to find this time, he had gotten… a Mynci. The most neglected Neopet in the world.

" ARGH! THEY INSULT ME FURTHER!" Akito screamed, and flung the Mynci at Brock's head, where it took the place of the Onigiri and stuck there forever and ever.

" Here's your Happy Meals, Kiba and Brock. As for me, I got a Big Mac." Kazuma chuckled like Kureno and sat down as they all began to eat contently.

HAH HAH HAH DA-HUCK! Hee…MAC-donals…GET'S ME EVERY TIME! (slaps knee)

Once they were done eating, well, they didn't know WHAT to do! Hey, that kind of sounds like that rhyme about the little old lady and her boot. Anyway, they were wandering out like foolish wanderers, when suddenly, SOMETHING caught Akito's eye!

" What is that?" Akito demanded, pointing to a DDR machine, sounding interested.

" It's a DDR machine. It's a game." Kazuma said, since in his younger days they called him PARA-PARA Zuma-zan, the MASTER of DDR. Or at least… I think they did.

Akito watched two young furling boys play the game and admired how they could step on them little arras' so dangum fast! After the furling boys stepped off and exploded, Akito marched over to the DDR machine.

" I wish to DDR." Akito let everyone know.

" WHAT? YOU? AKITO?" Everyone in the world gasped.

" Yes." Said Akito. " Kazuma, bring your shiny metal coins over here and insert them so I may play."

" I don't know Akito… you're so SICKLY…" Kazuma frowned.

" SHUT UP! DON'T TELL ME WHAT I CAN'T DO!" Akito yelled like Locke on Lost and everyone was so moved by this that they decided to just LET Akito do that crazy old DDR. As Akito took a crazy stance at the center of the arrows, Kazuma put the coins in.

" RET'S DEE-DEE-AH!" Yelled the Crazy Japanese guy who I will love forever and ever, and someday I will find him and have his children.

" Yes… 'ret's…'" Akito said in a very lame way.

" PICK A MODE!" Yelled that crazy guy. Akito foolishly just reached out and punched a random box and it happened to be the HARDEST mode.

" Akito…" Kazuma said with a little sweatmark.

" SILENCE!" Akito said, and picked from the songs. Much to the Takeshi living inside of Brock's pleasure, he chose 'Mezase Pokemon Master Para-Para Remix by Yoko Ishida.'

And so the music began to play! Akito watched the arrows fly by the screen, but instead of at least TRYING to step on them, he just sort of watched… and watched…and watched… He watched as if he weren't even PLAYING, or as if he were trying to READ something. Finally, he took a deep breath, and stamped ONE foot down on the Up Arrow and got ONE 'Good!' Then with a look of satisfaction, he kept his foot there and savored the moment.

Meanwhile, he was missing about a MILLION other arrows. But apparently Akito was satisfied with just that one.

As Kazuma watched the green meter getting lower and lower, he just couldn't take it any longer. " AKITO, MOVE!" He yelled, and pushed Akito off the machine, and then started DDRING TO DA MAX! Even in those crazy wooden slippers! With barely twenty seconds left in the song, Kazuma quickly got all Perfects and the score of A. And this is a man wearing wooden sandals and a YUKATA!

" You really ARE Para-Para Zuma-san!" Everyone gasped.

" I did it too! Why are you all praising HIM?!" Akito yelled.

" You were losing!" Brock chuckled like Eric Stuart.

" QUALITY OVER QUANITY!" Akito shrieked and was about to go on a tirade, when suddenly his Akito-sense was tingling! Actually, the little necklace thing was glowing. Akito pressed the Up C button and the bird's voice came.

" Hey, guys, they're at IHOP. Get a move on and I'll meet you there!" The bird said urgently.

" GASP! The time has finally come for me to teach my precious Ark to try and go on vacation without ME!" Akito growled menacingly. " Come on, minions. We must get to IHOP as soon as possible."

" TEEN TITANS… GO!" Everyone yelled and ran out of Balleyview and it exploded. Then they got in the car and started driving.

…

OMAKE!

What? You're not ready for Omake? Well, it was sort of a short chapter… But there just wasn't anything else to say. Hmm, but what could I do to make you feel better?

Hey! I know! Today in my class, this kid brought a book called Shichuu no Uchuu! And in it was a story called, ' The Most Intelligent Traveler in the World.' Wanna hear it? Okay!

An intelligent tabibito was on a journey. The reason he was intelligent, see, was because he didn't trust anyone and was always looking out for himself, therefore he was never without anything.

On the journey, many people tried to trick him…

Lady: My little brother is sick! I need money for medicine!

Tabibito: NO HE'S NOT!

Lady: No, really, he is… see? (shows little boy coughing up a storm)

Tabibito: Aw, he's FAKING it! (marches off)

Lady: Oh, cruel tabibito!

Brother: This sucks. (dies)

Old Lady: Can I have your shoes, tabibito? I have to walk through the snow to get to my crops.

Tabibito: You already HAVE shoes!

Old Lady: Um… no I don't. (shows bare feet)

Tabibito: YOU'RE HIDING THEM!

Old Lady: …why would I do that?

Tabibito: I dunno. Why don't YOU tell ME?!

Old Lady: I'll pay you…

Tabibito: I already have a LOT of money. (marches out)

Old Lady: Oh, cruel tabibito!

And so, this Tabibito continued on, refusing to help anyone he came across. And everytime someone said, ' If you gave this to me, it would really help' he would say, ' Well SUCKS FOR YOU!'

Soon, everyone became so hostile towards the cruel tabibito that he wasn't having that much fun in the town anymore, and so he went into the forest all alone. There, he met the goblins.

" Oh, I'm so hungry!" The goblin cried.

" Sucks for you." The tabibito said.

" Can I have one of your arms?" The goblin asked as if that were a casual thing to ask.

" HELL NO!" The tabibito exclaimed.

" Oh come on, which arm do you write with? I won't take that one." The goblin whined.

" I'M AMBIDEXTROUS!" The tabibito shouted.

" Well… can I have your nose?"

" WHY?"

" Well, it's not a very NICE nose…" The Goblin admitted.

" You're trying to trick me just like everyone else! EAT LEAD!" The tabibito shouted and pulled out a shotgun and shot the goblin. Then he continued his way through the forest and shot anything that got close to him. And so, his life continued in much of the same way. As soon as anyone got within five feet of him, he chased them off to the point in which they would never come near him again.

The tabibito went through his life gaining many riches for himself. But he was never given anything by anyone else. When he died, he died like Elanor Rigby, but everyone was saved since he was, after all, such a cruel tabibito.

Which is the better way to live? The foolish tabibito or the intelligent tabibito? Would you rather be giving or hoarding everything away? It doesn't matter if you act nice or not. You can be an intelligent tabibito, and not be cruel. Most of us are.

There are very few foolish tabibito in the world. They are more rare than the spotted Frogwollop. Let's all try to take care of them, okay?

OMAKE!

Only two more chapters to go… AND CARL DIDN'T ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS! Oh, that stupid Wooper… just wait until I find you, Carl.

Yeah, everyone so sorry about dying. But the Mamoru found me and regurgiated life, so now I'm just DANDY! Naria, I wanna see your picture but the link in the review doesn't work and I must have accidently deleted your e-mail… can you send it to me again? (cheesy Kenji smile)

I want to write a Christmas Shoopuf Basket, but this will have to wait until after Shoo-ball. Just so you guys know, it WILL come in the future.

And now, questions for Kazuma. DA MAN! OI, OI, OI, YEAH, YEAH, LET'S ASK QUESTIONS TO KAZUMA!

But first a question for ME!

Person: Who IS this Machi person?

Hayley: Oh, that's my fault for talking about manga chapters only released in Japan. You won't be seeing her in America until probably late next year. Let's just say she's a love interest and she's a GREAT character.

Person: What was Kyo-kun like when he was younger? AND why do you have grey hair? Are you old or something?

Kazuma: ……………..KYO was a delightful, innocent child. And I only have grey hair in the Anime. In the manga it is blonde. I am not old. Well… compared to everyone else I am. Oh well! (chuckles like Kureno)

Rachey: So, Kazuma-san, I am such a big fan of you and your awesomeness! So, can I start a "Kazuma Is The Sexxorz fanclub"?

Kazuma: ( laugh that makes you feel all warm inside) Why, thank you. I don't really think I'm that deserving of such a club, but if you feel like it, go ahead? (smile)

Kyo: HEY! DON'T SAY STUFF LIKE THAT ABOUT SHISHOU! IT'S EMBARASSING!

Hayley: KYONKICHI! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!

Naria: Kazuma, the one who trains the Sohma, who trains them in the fields... and trains them in the plains...  
Will you kill and eat Akito? Or at least feed him to Kiba, he must be VERY hungry, and you don't want an angry flowermaiden/North Dakota paradise obsessed wolfy to chew on your ankles, now would you? Do it...you know you want to...All work and no play makes Kazuma a... o.o ...a...uhm... Kazuma!

Kazuma: Actually… I would like to kill Kiba. (obsesses over his random hatred of Kiba)

OH OH OH!! Bigfoot!! I have a question just for you!! Where do you live? And can I visit you someday? I'll bring crumpets!

Bigfoot: BIGFOOT LIVE WITH SHISHOU NOW! YOU COME, BRING CRUMPETS, WE TALK!

Kyo: WHAT?! Only I can call Shishou, Shishou! AND YOU DO NOT LIVE WITH SHISHOU!

Bigfoot: YES DO, KITTY-BITTY.

Kazuma: Actually, ……………KYO, he does. I took him in because my Aunt Cindy was a Yeti, and we all used to make fun of her, and now I will repent.

Kyo: WHAT?!

Kazuma: Come, BIG…………….FOOT. Let's go home.

Bigfoot: OKAY.

Kyo: THIS IS SO STUPID!

Ahaha… Anyway, next time send questions to… BROCK! But not Takeshi! Ooh… if you send a question to TAKESHI… I'll have to do something I DON'T want to have to do…

Thanks for the imaginairy Christmas Presents, and everyone have a Merry Holiday! ON, DASHER! ON, BLITZEN! ON, VIXEN, THE SEXIEST REINDEER! NOW DASH AWAY, DASH AWAY, DASH AWAY ALL!

Ja!


	21. SHOWDOWN!

Chapter 20

As Elijah Wood Would put it… 'SHOW-down!'

CAN YOU FEEEEEEL… CAN YOU FEEL THAT HYBRID RAINBOW? Whether you can or not, here's the next chapter of the super popular Shooruba! ( credit to whoever it was with the review that coined that phrase)

" I still can't believe you did that." Shigure said, following Hatori up the road.

" Did what?" Hatori replied.

" UM. Throw my labtop off a cliff. You're just a… a big jerk!" Shigure said overdramatically, and kicked a random rock with his foot. Unfortunately, he was wearing sandals so he stubbed his toe and began hopping around like a fool.

" Shigure. You have been nothing but cruel to me this entire vacation. I think I had the right to repay the favor." Hatori scoffed like Carson, but already, he was starting to feel a little bit bad. After all, Hatori really ISN'T the kind of guy who would throw a labtop off a cliff when it gets down to the nitty gritty.

" I had a lot of important, irreplaceable things on that labtop!" Shigure whined, and seeing Hatori look a little guilty, continued. " I wrote down my dreams and what I planned to do with them someday, but now they're all lost forever…"

Hatori was feeling too bad to reason that you don't have to HAVE your dreams on a labtop to still HAVE them. " Well…" Said Hatori awkwardly.

" No. I don't want to hear anymore Haa-san. You've betrayed my trust and I'm afraid that I can never trust you with it again."

" Huh?"

" You betrayed me."

" But you trusted that I would betray you?"

" Yes."

" Then why would you trust me?"

" Because you're a… betrayer…" Shigure said awkwardly, and realized suddenly that neither of them knew what the other was talking about.

" LOOK! IT'S NIGHT!" Shigure shouted randomly because there was an awkward silence after that. Hatori looked up and saw that Shigure was right. It was INDEED night! Just how long were you guys out in that crazy random forest anyway?!

" I guess we ought to be getting back on the road then…" Hatori said.

" AT NIGHT! On the road?! ARE YOU AN IDIOT?!" Shigure gasped.

" What? I've driven at night."

" You have? You should know better! It's dangerous." Shigure said, shaking one finger.

" Well… maybe. But it won't be this time." Hatori said quickly. Yes, he knew it probably would be dangerous to drive with a carful of crazy animal transforming people at the same time, but he's so desperate to get home now he wouldn't mind a few others getting killed in the process.

" Whatever. You know what, Hatori? I think this vacation has made you a lot more disagreeable.""Shigure remarked as they walked up to the doors of the IHOP. Then he swung the doors open like Aragorn, and entered dramatically into the store. Hatori followed, shaking his head.

" HATORI!!!" Kyo yelled like a fool, running up to Hatori. " HARU ATE ALL MY EGGS!"

" I did not." Haru said, appearing randomly beside all of them.

" YES YOU DID!" Kyo howled.

" And what am I supposed to be doing about this?" Hatori asked.

" SOMETHING!" He demanded.

"… Just get over it, Kyo, and quit acting like a toddler." Hatori said.

Kyo stared at Hatori as if Hatori had just asked him to unwillingly commit a sexual act.

" Yeah, Kyo. Get over it." Haru added in a very annoyingly calm voice.

" I HATE YOU GUYS!" Kyo screamed, and ran around the IHOP yelling like a fool.

Hatori sighed, and slunk back into his booth to eat his food that he hadn't touched while he had been reading the horrible, insulting novel. He then ate his hashbrowns very slowly and gratefully. Only after he had recovered some of his HP did he realize Ayame was sitting across the table, reading the tiny plastic menu that describes the deserts.

" Why are you reading that?" He asked.

Ayame coughed loudly and raised the tiny menu higher so now it covered his eyes and his nose instead of just his mouth and his chin.

" Why aren't you answering me?" Hatori asked.

" CHUH!" Ayame scoffed like Carson. " Excuse me, Tori-san, but I am reading the desert menu."

" It seems more like you're angry at me. Also, you're reading it upside down."

" I KNOW that. I am trying to learn to read upside down, but SOME people can't leave me alone. SOME people just run out on you in the middle of beakfast! I NEVER!" Ayame cried.

" Sorry." Hatori said in the most un-sorry voice ever.

Immediately, Ayame flung the menu down and started talking in a very forgiving voice. " Now, now, Tori-san, there's no reason to make that face! I know you must be beating yourself up, even KILLING yourself, even (in dub Yami Yugi's voice) OBLITERATING yourself, over the fact you have hurt your dear friend, but I'm here to say, that it's all alright. I have found within my heart to forgive you…"

" I HATE EVERYONE!" Kyo yelled, passing by their table.

"… and now you must forgive me of everything I did too, i.e, spending all your money. You do! You forgive me! How wonderful! Now everything is a clean slate." Ayame finished quickly.

" What… no, you still owe me money…" Hatori said.

" AHAHAHAHAHA!" Ayame laughed. " HA! Owing money… that's a good one, Hatori."

" Yeah," Said Shigure, appearing from nowhere like Prince Tricky and sitting down next to Ayame. " If someone owes you money, you have to tell them that very day that they owe it to you. And it's been MORE than one day."

" That is NOT a rule. You just made that up." Hatori said angrily.

" EVERYONE GO TO HELL!" Kyo yelled, and Hatori sprung up super-fast and pinned his neck to the wall. Then he quickly erased Kyo's memory of Haru eating his eggs. Unfortunately, he didn't erase the memory of Kyo GETTING the eggs, so now Kyo went around demanding who ate his eggs.

And so… time went by… Why? Because it can. Soon, it was the next afternoon.

" Why haven't we left yet?" Hatori asked, watching everyone play Dai Hin Min on the floor.

" BECAUSE!" Everyone shouted.

" Haa-san, play cards with us!" Shigure whined.

" No." Said Hatori.

" But you always used to play cards with me!" Shigure cried.

Hatori sighed. " This better not bring up a-

FLASHBACK

" Let's play Old Maid, Hatori!" Tiny furling Shigure demanded, throwing a pack of cards in front of little furling Hatori. Little Hatori looked at the cards disdainfully, and then longingly at his giant book about the lives of freshwater manatees and their habitat.

" PLEEEEEEEASE?!" Tiny Shigure whined in the voice he would use for the rest of his life.

" Okay." Little Hatori sighed because back then he was a furling who was easily convinced. Then they played Old Maid! It was so much fun. But not for Hatori. See, Shigure had bent the card that WAS Old Maid, but Hatori didn't realize that, so Shigure kept not getting the Old Maid! That rascal!

" You NEVER pick the Old Maid…" Little Hatori said sadly.

" I guess you're just stupid Hatori." Tiny Shigure said.

_He's RIGHT_, Little Hatori thought. _I better keep reading books and get smarter and smarter and then become a doctor because doctor's are smart, and be anti-social so others will think I'm not only TOO much of a nerd, but also boring!_ And so just because he kept being the Old Maid, Hatori went back to reading about freshwater manatees and became a doctor.

END FLASHBACK

" And you're STILL an Old Maid." Shigure chuckled like Kureno. " Not to mention a nerd."

"… I think it's time to quit playing cards." Hatori said like an Old Maid.

" AWWWWWW…" Said everyone. Hatori then summoned ALL the cards to his hand like Gambit! Just kidding. Everyone sighed, threw their cards on the floor and ran off so Hatori would have to pick them all up by himself.

Well, Kyo didn't run away. Why? Because Kyo wasn't even THERE, you fool. He had walked outside to feed Ratkiller some hashbrown crumbs. Unfortunately for him, little did he realize, he had gotten his goldfish YESTERDAY at 1:32 and as he approached the car… it was EIGHT seconds from 1:32!

The perfectly healthy Ratkiller swam around in circles, as Kyo neared the car.

8…

Kyo tried to open the door handle, but it was locked. But Kyo, being Kyo, didn't realize this, and tried hard to open the temporarily un-openable door.

7…

" Oh. It's locked." Kyo realized, and reached down to unlock the door.

6…

Kyo opened the door and looked down at Ratkiller. " Hey, Ratkiller. I brought you some food."

5…

With those happy horsehoe eyes, Kyo then emptied the crumbs into the fishbowl.

4…

" It's good, isn't it?" Kyo asked as if that retarted goldfish could actually SAY something back.

3…

Ratkiller ate a hashbrown. He thought it was okay. He would have rather had fish flakes.

2…

But then again goldfish are like that.

1…

What are fish flakes made out of anyway?

" RATKILLER!" Kyo screamed in agony.

Huh? Oh yeah! As the clock struck 1:32, Ratkiller's eyes suddenly turned into X's, and he spontaneously combusted. Just kidding. His HEART spontaneously combusted! MWHAHAHA! Such is the life of a carnival goldfish.

" RATKILLER! RATKILLER!" Kyo cried, shaking the goldfish bowl in disbelief. " RATKILLER!"

" It's all… just a dream…" Ratkiller said with the last of his strength, but the fact that Kyo can't understand goldfish made it just look like the goldfish was globbing it's mouth randomly. Then Ratkiller shuddered and died.

" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Kyo screamed. He hugged the bowl and rocked it back and forth. He got a little wet in the process. Then with burning eyes and a heavy soul, he looked down at his dead goldfish.

" Those who made those hashbrowns… the hashbrowns that killed my goldfish… THOSE THAT MADE SUCH A THING WILL SUFFER!" Kyo pledged as fire burned in the background.

HOOONK OF SADNESS!

" Wheeee! I'm an airplane!" Momiji yelled like a fool as he jumped from table to table around IHOP.

" Momiji! Quit that." Hatori said, following him from table to table like a fool. " Come down so we can wash your face off."

" NO! I told you I want to wear this face paint FOREVER!" Momiji argued, leaping off the table and onto the floor where he began running from Hatori.

" You can't. It's messy." Hatori argued like a neat freak and began to chase him. All of the other Sohmas just sat there and watched this all happen with bored expressions.

" You can't catch MEEEEEEEE" Momiji said in his horrible dub voice but luckily the horror was stopped by Kyo, who slammed the door open, his eyes red-rimmed. UNFORTUNATELY, Momiji ran into Kyo and he turned into a cat!

…just kidding. Momiji is another Sohma. Not to mention a boy! HARDY-HAR-HAR! You stupid if you do' now dat!

" Kyo! You look funny!" Momiji chuckled like Kureno.

Kyo looked slowly down at Momiji with a murderous look on his face and ' Kill the Wabbit' began to play in the background. Thank goodness Hatori took Momiji away from him, or who knows what would have happened to our friend Momiji.

" What's wrong with you, Kyo?" Hatori asked, noting that Kyo looked NOT-so unusually upset. But he's Hatori so he still has to ask.

" It's… Ratkiller. He's dead!" Kyo exclaimed, with his voice all choked up.

" OH NO!" Tohru cried, running up to Kyo to clapse her hands. " Kyo-kun, I'm so sorry!"

" That's okay… it's not your fault…" Kyo said bravely, pretending that he had an itch on his nose when he was really rubbing away the tears.

" Ratkiller? Whose Ratkiller?" Shigure demanded. " How COME I don't know about any of this?"

" My GOLDFISH!" Kyo yelled in the most dramatic voice possible. And if it's Tomokazu Seki, that's pretty dramatic.

" OOOOOH… your goldfish! That's right!" Shigure said slowly, slapped his forehead and then chuckled like Kureno.

" Kyonkichi had a goldfish?" Ayame asked.

" WOULD YOU GUYS TRY AND BE A LITTLE MORE SENSITIVE!" Kyo yelled at them.

" What happened to it?" Yuki asked.

" It DIED! DUH." Kyo snapped in an offended voice.

" But how did it die? Did you accidently kill it?" Yuki continued.

" WHAT?!"

" Maybe he accidently turned into a cat and ate it!" Ayame exclaimed, using the facts he knew to solve the problem. And he knew Kyo was… the CAT! And Ratkiller had been… a goldfish! And cats eat goldfish!

Yuki just thought Kyo was stupid for getting too emotionally involved with that old goldfish, BUT never getting emotionally involved with anyone else!

" I DIDN'T EAT HIM!" Kyo screamed.

" I think he ate him." Yuki and Ayame said in a rare moment of brotherly conformity.

" I didn't eat him! Ratkiller ate some hashbrown crumbs from THIS resturaunt and then he DIED!" Kyo said defensively.

" Really?" Hatori asked in a voice that was faking interest.

" YES!" Kyo said zealously.

" Maybe he was allergic to hashbrowns…" Haru said.

" GOLDFISH CAN'T BE ALLERGIC TO ANYTHING, YOU TWIT!" Kyo cried.

" I bet they can too. Right, Hatori-nii-san?" Haru said, rolling his eyes.

"…" Said Hatori, but not out of stupidity of the situation. In fact, he was wondering if a goldfish COULD be allergic to anything. And if so, how would you know? It's not like you could ask the goldfish, and I doubt there's any scientific way to know.

AHHHHH! STUPID ANOREXIC, ALLERGIC GOLDFISH!

" In any case, we're all very sad about your goldfish Kyo. If you want, we can bury it behind the IHOP." Hatori said in a voice that suggested he didn't really care about the stupid old golfish.

" I didn't come here for a FUNERAL. I came here for… REVENGE!" Kyo hissed after a long pause. " Revenge against the resturaunt that purposely killed my goldfish!" Ah, naïve Kyo, not realizing the natrual life cycle of the average fair goldfish.

" Now, Kyo… I don't think we have time for revenge. We need to be getting home." Hatori said.

" REVENGE!" Kyo yelled, not giving up. And he said it in a voice with a random spanish accent. SOMEONES been watching a little bit too much Count of Monte Cristo!

" Kyo. It was a goldfish. Eating hashbrowns didn't kill it." Shigure said in a disgusted voice.

" THEN WHAT DID?!" Kyo demanded.

" Uh…" Said Shigure and Hatori, trying to think up a good excuse. THEY didn't know why Kyo's crazy old goldfish died! LIKE THEY NEEDED TO KNOW! They're REAL men and don't have time for things like goldfish!

" You just loved him so much that he couldn't take it and his heart burst!" Ayame said brightly.

" WHAT?!" Kyo yelled.

" Hey! You said the same thing when I couldn't find my hermit crab! Only you said my love was so great he had to leave." Yuki said angrily.

" THAT'S NOT TRUE! I LOVED THAT GOLDFISH WITH JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF LOVE!" Kyo screamed at Ayame.

" And what amount was that?" Ayame asked.

" The RIGHT amount!" Kyo said stubbornly.

" Suuuuuure. Anyway, it's not like bothering the staff would help you anyway." Shigure said, shrugging his shoulders and sighing overdramatically.

" Huh? Why not?" Kyo asked with a confused look.

" They've all exploded!" Shigure exclaimed with horseshoe eyes.

" WHAT?!" Kyo demanded, turning to look at the writer.

WELL SORRY! I didn't think you'd have any further use for those crazy IHOPians. HARUMPH! All that's left now is that guy whose nose vaguely resembles Beat Takashi!

" Hi." Said the guy with the nose like Beat Takashi.

" I'll just take my REVENGE ON HIM THEN!" Kyo yelled in a voice that sounded like dub Inuyasha, and everyone shuddered.

" Oh please don't take revenge on me! I'm just the cashier! And my whole life I've waited here hoping to meet someone from my long last family!" Beat Takashi Nose cried pititfully, crossing his elbows together.

" What's your name?" Hatori asked curiously.

" Beat Takashi Nose Sohma." Said Beat Takashi Nose Sohma.

Everyone gave each other a creepy look except for Haru, who didn't get it. Don't worry, give him time.

" Well, I can't take revenge on my very own flesh and blood… no matter WHAT their nose looks like." Kyo whispered to himself.

_I wonder if he is ALSO one of the Jyuunishi?!_ Tohru thought to herself. Even though… she's ALREADY met all twelve of the Jyuunishi! ARGH!

" So… what do you think your family would be like, if you ever met them?" Hatori asked Beat Takashi Nose Sohma carefully.

" Like… RANMA! Only a shojo and filled with bishounen!" Beat Takashi Nose Sohma said enthusiastically.

" And NO angst at all!" He continued just as Hatori was about to tell him the truth. But then of course, he didn't feel like ruining Beat Takashi's expectations and decided to keep the truth to himself. After all… the Sohma family is DARK… SHADOWY… AND…CURSED.

" But… but who am I going to get my revenge on NOW?" Kyo whined.

" How about Ritsu? Nobody cares about him." Shigure said with a little shrug.

" He's not even here!"

" Momiji?"

" He's too girly!"

" Kagura?"

" She IS a girl! (and she could beat me up…)"

" Aya!"

" HEY!"

" He's too weak."

" Then fight his brother!"

" Ratkiller's revenge is worth MORE than the likes of Yuki!" Kyo declared.

" GEE KYO! CAN'T YOU JUST GET OVER IT?!" Shigure yelled in frusuration. " A real man would just let it be and honor Ratkiller's memory, then get on with his life!"

" W-what?!" Kyo yelled in an extremely shocked voice.

" This is suddenly a lot like a cliched shonen anime scene…" Hatori observed.

" You aren't doing Ratkiller any good by using his death as an excuse for violence! After all, Ratkiller didn't support violence! He supported uh…um…" Shigure said, unsure what to say after that. Darn! And he had been getting into the gist of it and everything.

" AQUARIUM PEACE!" Ayame put in quickly, with his hands on his hips.

" HNGH!" Kyo hissed as if he had just been punched and the camera cut to him very quickly with a bullet sound effect.

"… so are we just going to bury the goldfish?" Yuki asked.

" I don't know. Are you over your revenge thing, Kyo?" Hatori asked.

" Yeah…" Kyo said sullenly. " But that doesn't mean I won't get my revenge SOMEDAY!"

" Of course it won't." Hatori said in a reassuring voice. Then he turned towards the door. " Okay, well, better get going home."

" WAIT! Aren't we gonna bury Ratkiller?" Kyo demanded.

Hatori clenched his teeth, counted to five, then turned around. " Of course. Let's go outside, dig a hole, and bury him there."

" I'm not burying Ratkiller on the same ground these… PEOPLE work in!" Kyo said in a disgusted voice.

"…okay… well, that doesn't leave us with many options…" Hatori sighed.

" I want Ratkiller to be able to return to… the sea." Kyo said in a reflective Tomokazu Seki voice.

Hatori started to point out that Ratkiller had never even BEEN to the sea, but didn't. He also started to point out that since Ratkiller was a FRESHWATER fish, a goldfish, that if had ever set fin into the sea while alive his lungs would have imploded. But he didn't say this either.

" How do we get your goldfish to the sea, Kyo-kun?" Tohru asked foolishly.

" All rivers lead… TO THE SEA!" Kyo said dramatically, pointing at the wall.

" But there are no rivers in North Dakota." Haru said.

" Haru, there are rivers EVERYWHERE." Yuki scoffed like Carson.

" Nuh-uh." Haru protested and pointed to a giant map of North Dakota on the wall of the IHOP. And guess what?! There WERE no rivers! WHY?

Say it with me… NEVER QUESTION NORTH DAKOTA!

" But… if there's no rivers… how will Ratkiller make his journey to the sea?" Momiji pondered outloud.

HMMMMM…

…

HOOONK!

" It was really nice of Beat Takashi Nose Sohma to let us use the IHOP's restroom!" Tohru exclaimed. " Just with that kind gesture, my heart is full."

" ME TOO!" Kagura exclaimed.

" Not me." Rin said. Durdy-dur-dur.

"…this is my first time seeing the inside of a girl's restroom." Haru admitted, looking around as if he had expected much more than what he was seeing.

Kyo, Yuki and Hatori nodded. Momiji saw one at the beginning of the story! REMEMBER?! As for Shigure and Ayame… uh…

" Oh, I've SEEN girl's restrooms." Ayame said in a suggestive voice.

" Yeah… you didn't even have to crossdress to get into them, like me." Shigure nodded.

" You two are disgusting." Hatori said.

" Yep. I've DONE things in girl's restrooms." Ayame continued.

" I bet you have, you dirty little b-"

" COULD YOU TWO SHUT UP?! THIS IS A FUNERAL! SHOW SOME RESPECT!" Kyo yelled, then turned back to the toilet they were all staring at. Hatori stood next to it and held the fisbowl.

" Well… anyone who wants to say anything about Ratkiller…" Hatori said lamely, and you could tell he SO was out of his element.

" You go first, Hatori." Everyone said.

Hatori looked down at the fishbowl awkwardly, and then started to speak in a strained voice. " Ratkiller was… a very noble goldfish. And he will be sorely missed by all that knew him."

" What will you miss the MOST about him, Hatori?" Shigure called in an evil way.

Hatori looked at all of the teenager's expectant eyes. " His… orangeness…" Hatori said awkwardly and quickly passed the bowl to Momiji.

" I don't think ONE memory of Ratkiller is okay to forget! WAAAAAAAAH!" Momiji cried.

" WAAAAAAH!" Cried everyone, then quickly got over it. Momiji passed the bowl to Tohru.

" Ratkiller-san… was wonderful. Kyo-kun… is wonderful too!" Tohru sniffed, and passed the bowl to Rin.

"…Ratkiller brought back many memories to me…" Rin said mysteriously, hinting at her MYSTERIOUS, angst-ridden past that involved… GOLDFISH. Rin passed the bowl to Haru.

Haru looked down at the goldfish. Then he looked back at Kyo.

" I'm sorry I ate your eggs, Kyo." Haru said sincerely.

" It was YOU?!" Gasped Kyo since Hatori had erased his memory of that. Haru passed the bowl to Kagura.

" I LOVED THIS GOLDFISH MORE THAN ANY OTHER GIRL! EVEN IF HE HAD TURNED INTO HIS TRUE FORM, I WOULD HAVE STILL LOVED HIM!" Kagura cried, and passed the bowl to Yuki.

Yuki looked down at Ratkiller. Then he looked at Kyo. " Goldfish still can't kill rats." He said.

" SHUT UP YUKI!"

Yuki rolled his eyes and passed the bowl to Shigure and Ayame, who looked at the dead goldfish with blank expressions. Then Shigure howled and dropped to his knees and starting sobbing over the toply.

" WHY GOD WHY?! WHY THE GOLDFISH?!" Shigure screamed, shaking the bowl passionately.

" IT'S OVER!" Ayame cried, hugging a random sink. " MY SUMMER AND MY DREAM!"

" That's enough of that." Hatori said like a short dwelling seahorse and snatched the fishbowl from them. He then handed it to Kyo. Kyo gently poured Ratkiller into the toilet.

" Would you like to do the honors, Kyo?" Hatori asked.

Kyo started to reach for the flusher, but then stopped. " It's too… hard." He said softly.

" Okay." Said Hatori quickly, and simply flushed the toilet. Ratkiller spun around a few times and then was gone forever. Just like that… down the toilet.

" Alright, let's go people." Hatori told all of the depressed Sohmas, except for Shigure and Ayame who were singing ' The Time Has Come' in off-key voices. Hatori hit both of them on the head and they all shuffled out of the girl's restroom, some more eager to get out than other's.

And so… Ratkiller was dead. And the Fellowship was broken.

AWK!

HOOONK!

" Stop! I cannot go any further. We must rest." Akito gasped, falling to his knees, gripping to the traveler's staff they had mugged off some fellow with a tail name Cray.

" But Akito… we're almost there! You can't give up now!" Kazuma exclaimed.

" MINION! I just CAN'T! It's too much for me!" Akito hissed.

" I am not your minion. But it's right across the street!" Kazuma reasoned, pointing at the IHOP sitting there across the street.

" SHADE! I REQUIRE SHADE!" Akito yelled, throwing a tempature tantrum. Kazuma sighed, rolling his eyes, and then picked up Akito and walked about a mile down the hill because there was no shade nearby them. Then he put Akito under a tree.

" Happy?" He asked Akito.

" Never. Now, we shall plan our method of attack!" Akito said, jabbing his traveler stick at the ground as if it served him any purpose. Well, being a motley crew of bishounen, I'm sure you guys will think up of something!

Oh wait… Brock's there. Well, if Brock's not a bishounen, then my name isn't Brock but it's not Brock, it's Hayley so therefore Brock isn't a bishounen.

" You never said anything about ATTACK… I could never hurt………..KYO." Kazuma said. But that's a LIE! Because you grabbed his hand and threw him into a fence and then you chuckled like Kureno! But that's okay. I forgive you Zuma.

OI, OI, OI! YEAH, YEAH, LET'S SING ABOUT THAT CRAZY FENCE!

I am just a fence,

That stands in Japan.

I sit by the dirt road,

And the sky is my friend.

One day a man named Kazuma,

And a cat named Kyo,

I watched them talk together,

And then Kyo struck a BLOW!

It was deflected by Kazuma who simply smiled and said,

' You're still my troublesome son, Kyo',

And threw that cat so he hit his head!

…

Okay. That was just sad.

" I'll use… my TEETH!" Kiba growled as if everyone were really that scared of his teeth. Which I am. I mean, did you see him ripping out those people's throats? OUCH!

" I'll use… MY ONIX!" Brock yelled in a really cheesy voice, but didn't do anything because… no one wants to see Onix.

" And I will use my status as GOD!" Akito cackled evilly, and stood up. " TOGETHER WE'RE INVINCIBLE!"

Unfortunately, as soon as he said that, a dark portal opened up out of nowhere, and Brock and Kiba started to gravitate towards it. Kazuma grabbed Brock's hand and Akito grabbed Kiba's.

" W-what is this?!" Kazuma yelled.

" It's ending the near of the story! There's no need for us random minion side characters anymore!" Brock yelled in an overly dramatic Eric Stuart voice.

" We have to return… to our OWN TIME!" Kiba yelled. (Wow. There's so many things I COULD be making fun of at this point… I don't know which one I actuall AM.)

" But… we haven't finished our mission! You can't leave NOW!" Akito howled in an enraged voice.

" The force… it's too strong…! I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE IN THE END ANYWAY!" Kiba whined.

" And I never die! Or age! OR GET LAID!" Brock cried.

" Hold on!" Kazuma said, grabbing Brock harder. Akito decided he was tired of holding onto Kiba and so just let go. Kiba slipped into the dark portal and was gone… forever. But NEVER gone from our hearts!

" Once I return… I'll lose all my memories of the time I spent here together with you guys…" Brock said in an overdramatic sad voice. ( Seriously, there's just too many things to choose from.)

" No! You can't forget EVERYTHING!" Kazuma cried in his blind, completely random love for Brock.

" Yes, Kazuma. Even THAT." Brock said, shaking his head. " But don't worry. Even if these memories of mine are completely erased, I'm sure I'll still remember you somewhere, in the deepest recesses of my heart."

" ME TOO!" Kazuma sobbed, even though his memory isn't being erased.

" Goodbye… Kazuma…" Brock said, and let go of Kazuma's hand. ( I think we'll just say Kate and Leopold. Only without Hugh Jackman. Or that slap-happy ending.)

" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Kazuma cried, falling to his knees, as the dark portal spontaneously exploded. He beat the ground with his fists and cried for that crazy pineapple-haired friend of his.

" Kazuma! Get ahold of yourself!" Akito said in disgust and jerked Kazuma up and bitch-slapped him.

" I'm sorry Akito. I got a little over-emotional there!" Kazuma chuckled like Kureno, immediately snapping out of the tearful portal parody scene.

" Now… without those two… our only choice is to charge the IHOP at full force! And then… FONDLE THE MEN! AND THROW THE WOMEN OUT WINDOWS! And once and for all… kill that pesky Tohru Honda!" Akito laughed.

" Okay, as long as no one gets hurt!" Kazuma chuckled like Kureno.

HOOONK!

" Is everyone finally ready?" Hatori sighed, pacing back and forth as everyone sat at IHOP as if it were impossible for them to think about getting into that crazy box car. " Because I am."

"…EH." Shigure said, making a little hand motion. " Maybe."

" Why aren't you ready? We're not doing anything here? Why can't we just go home?" Hatori demanded.

" Because… home is BORING." Everyone said.

" Better it be boring than painful." Hatori said, which is his philopshy towards life.

" When we go back, we'll have to go to SCHOOL again. At IHOP, I NEVER have to go to school!" Momiji pointed out. And what a good point it was.

" Well, Momiji, you have to go to school to get a job and become a succsessful adult." Hatori said gently.

" What if I want to work at IHOP? I can just stay here!" Momiji exclaimed.

" I want to work at IHOP… then I can help make jam…" Haru said slowly.

" Well, you're NOT." Hatori told Haru sternly.

" But you told us that we could do anything we put our minds to, Hatori-nii." Haru reasoned.

Hatori paused. He couldn't go back on his inspirtational advice! And he couldn't get the best of Haru! In fact… NO ONE CAN GET THE BEST OF HARU! ARGH!

" That's it. Everyone gather up, because we are going home NOW." Hatori said, pointed down at the ground because the ground is the symbol of… EARTH! AND LEADERSHIP!

" Awwwww…" Said everyone.

" Kyo, you go out and get Kureno, we'll make sure everyone uses the restroom and then go. I am not stopping once we get in that car." Hatori said in a very serious, no nonsense voice.

" WHAT?! My goldfish just died! I don't want to see Kureno!" Kyo protested, but then saw Hatori was in the early stages of the wrath of Hatori, and grumbling, he stalked out to go find Kureno.

" But what if someone has to use the restroom again?" Shigure asked Hatori.

"…then we'll stop." Hatori admitted.

" What if we get a flat tire?"

" We'll stop…"

" What if the car runs out of gas? Hey, Aya, remember when the car ran out of gas when you were driving?"

" Ah, good times, good times…" Ayame chuckled like Kureno.

" We are going home and that's all there is to it. Got it?" Hatori said dangerously.

" OH-TAY!" Everyone said like Buckwheat. Actually, that scares me to much. The all just said Okay.

HOOONK!

You may NOT know it… but Kureno had been very busy the whole time these IHOP chapters had been going on! He was conducting a secret… EXPEDITION! Wandering the woods of IHOP, he was searching for his long lost Chickmobile. Even though he never had one in the first place, he had already forgotten that. So he had been wandering around, basically in circles, pressing the buttons on the TV remote over and over again like a fool.

As he was doing that… Akito and Kazuma were very nearby, sneaking up on the IHOP! Which is kind of stupid since they're all inside the IHOP anyway… but we forgive them.

And… as they were all doing THAT, Kyo was walking blindly in between the both of them. In a moment of cleverly planned coincidence, the four of them all walked into the same area at once. There was a moment of silence.

" FLUNKY!"

" MINION!"

" I AM NOT YOUR FLUNKY!"

" I am not your minion!"

" GASP! SHISHOU!"

" GASP!…………"

" MAN-SLAVE!"

" MASTER!"

"…….KYO!"

" AKITO, YOU BASTARD!"

" WRETCHED DEMON CAT!"

Kazuma looked at Kureno and Kureno looked at Kazuma.

" I have no random exclamation to yell at you. I don't your name. Much less who you are." Kazuma admitted to Kureno.

" That's okay." Said Kureno, and then turned back to Akito. " MASTER!" He yelled, and ran up to Akito, who patted him on the head.

" SHISHOU!" Kyo said happily and ran up to Shishou and tried to punch him, but Kazuma deflected it and then patted Kyo on the head and it was so happy and sparkly.

Then they each looked back at their previous partner and shifted awkwardly.

" Shishou! It's been so terrible! This vacations sucks, and Yuki's been so retarted and… and… MY GOLDFISH DIED!" Kyo yelled, and then started to cry.

" There, there, let it all out……….KYO." Kazuma said, hugging Kyo and patting him on the back.

" I MISSED YOU SHISHOU!" Kyo said because we all know Kyo loses all his Kyo-ness when he's around Shishou.

" Master! It's been terrible! My plans to kill the Mabudachi Trio didn't work at all!" Kureno cried, but Akito just slapped him.

" What have I said about trying to kill those three?! DON'T! THEY'RE THE BEST ONES!" Akito said angrily.

" I'm the best one!" Kureno exclaimed in a hurt voice.

" Of course you are. Kazuma! As I have regained posession of my manslave, I have no further need for you. You are freed of being my minion." Akito said to Kazuma.

" Okay! But I never REALLY was your minion." Kazuma laughed warmly. Of COURSE, you weren't, Kazuma. Keep telling yourself that.

Kyo looked at Kureno expectantly. Kureno simply smiled.

" Don't worry, flunky. To me… you will always just be… FLUNKY." Kureno said. " Even though now I must return to my master's side, I'll never forget the wonderful experience of friendship we had!"

" WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY!" Kyo yelled.

" Now… my feathery servant, and my disagreeable feline, you will LEAD me to the rest of my pets!" Akito cackled evilly. Oh man, he was SO ready to ruin that crazy vacation!

" Sure thing." Said Kureno, but then he remembered he didn't know the way. Kyo rolled his eyes and started marching towards the IHOP with the rest of them following. Kyo didn't really care about the consequences. Why? One thing… he's the CAT. Two… he has SHISHOU by his side. And Three, he's not a member of the Jyuunishi, so he probably won't get punished.

" You drove here too, Shishou?" Kyo asked Kazuma.

" Yes, I did……………KYO. It was the adventure of a LIFETIME!" Kazuma said, even though it really wasn't.

" How did you know where we went, master?" Kureno asked Akito.

" Oh… a little BIRDIE told me… AH HA HA HA (snort)HA HA HA HA!" Akito cackled insanely.

DA-HUCK! Anyway, Kyo led them to the front of the IHOP where they stood there like crazy people. Akito stepped forward and took a vase out of his robes and flung it at the IHOP. " ALL YOU MISERABLE EXCUSES FOR ZOOLOGY CLASS SPECIMENS BETTER GET OUT HERE RIGHT THIS VERY INSTANT!" Akito screamed.

Immediately, all the Jyuunishi piled out. Why didn't they run? Because they're powerless against God! Gee, that must be tough.

" Akito!" Shigure exclaimed.

" What are you doing here?" Hatori asked in what was trying to be an innocent voice.

" I'm glad you ask… HATORI… because I was going to tell you anyway!" Akito smirked as if had just said something clever. " What made you all think you could go off on a summer vacation without MY permission?!"

" We do a lot of things without your permission." Ayame pointed out.

"…like what?" Akito said, as if this were new knowledge to him.

Everyone looked at each other.

" Well… I take a RECORDER class!" Momiji exclaimed foolishly.

" HOW DARE YOU! I FORBID IT! OMAE… NO… SEI DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Akito yelled and pointed vindictively at Momiji, who began to cry.

" Anyone else?" Akito barked.

"…I watched Silence of the Lambs. Without any parental supervision." Haru admitted.

" Haru!" Hatori exclaimed, since he's a big softie and worries about his poor little cousins watching those crazy rated R movies.

" YOU'RE DESPICABLE! HOW DARE YOU CALL YOURSELF A COW?! OMAE… NO… SEI DAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Akito screamed at Haru, who hung his head in shame.

No one else really wanted to admit to anything, so they all just stared at Akito blankly.

"Uh… anyway, Akito, we're sorry about not asking you. We'll never do it again. But why did you come all the way out here?" Shigure asked in a confused voice.

Akito glared maliciously and then he grinned as if he were about to say the most evil thing in the world. Everyone watched in horror, expecting him to say something like, ' Erases Honda Tohru's memory!' or, ' I'll lock you all up in a closet!'

" I have come…" Said Akito dramatically, " To RUIN this vacation!"

There was an awkward silence. All of a sudden, there same the sound of someone trying to hold in laughter. Everyone turned around to see Hatori was covering his mouth and trying not to laugh hysterically.

"…Hatori?" Everyone asked.

Now Hatori couldn't hold it in any longer and started chuckling crazily like a fool. Hatori chuckling in shorts in quite a terrifyng sight. Everyone had to take a few steps back.

" R-ruin this…ha-ha… vacation… ruin THIS vacation…hahhahahahaha!" Hatori said, tears starting to run down his eyes from laughing too hard. Everyone watched with creeped out looks until finally he got ahold of himself and wiped away his tears. " Sorry." He said, still chuckling. " But… ah… too funny…"

Kind of spooked out too, Akito paused for a few seconds, then pointed at Tohru. " And I've also come… TO KILL HER!"

" GASP!" Everyone shouted.

" How could you want to kill Tohru? Everyone LOVES Tohru!" Shigure reasoned.

" SILENCE! I'LL KILL HER!" Akito said. " YOU HEAR ME, GIRL?! I'LL KILL YOU! IT WILL BE VERY BAD! YOU WILL CRY!"

Tohru stepped forward, and suddenly THAT music began to play. Yes, THAT music. " Akito-san… I know you must be feeling very sad right now… but everyone… everyone loves you, Akito-san!"

Everyone privately scoffed like Carson to that.

" And having given me the life I have now… there's an umeboshi on your back, and your reason for living is that right now you are alive, Akito-san!" Tohru continued in a big meld of Tohru POW-AH!

" Shut up! Shut up!" Akito said, covering his ears.

" You're a part of the team. That's all that matters. You don't need a reason to help people." Zidane said, walking up to Tohru's side.

" SHUT UP!" Akito yelled, falling to his knees.

" We are all part… of the great Circle of Life…" Mufasa said, randomly appearing out of nowhere.

" ARGH!" Akito said, falling down to the ground, no match for all that good advice. He twitched a few times, but then it became clear that the powers of good had just scored a Critical Hit, Overdrive, Limit Breakin', Trance Inducin' KO!

" ALRIGHT!" Zidane and Mufasa exclaimed, and slapped each other a high-five. Then Zidane climbed on top of Mufasa and bounded away, shouting, " Remember kids, KINGDOM HEARTS IS GONNA ROCK, BEE-YOOOOTCH!" Then they were gone. Thank goodness.

Then everyone was happy, because the reign of the terror of Akito was over. But it STILL didn't explain WHO had sent Akito after them!

" No one TOLD Akito… so how did he know?" Yuki pondered outloud.

" I'LL tell you how he knew…" Came a very evil, sarcastic sounding voice. Everyone turned around to see the BIRD, sitting on top of the roof with the most sinister look you can imagine a bird having.

" He knew because I told him! ME!" The bird laughed in a very threatening way.

"… is that Akito's little bird?" Ayame asked in a voice that suggested he couldn't really believe it.

" Finch." Hatori corrected because… well… it IS a finch, isn't it?

" Hey… FINCHES can't talk!" Shigure said in a distrustful voice.

" Uh…" Said the finch. " Well…"

" But I know what CAN talk… WOOPERS!" Shigure reasoned.

Hey… can it be… WAIT A SECOND! Hayley popped onto the scene and marched towards the roof. " You're no EVIL FINCH!" She yelled. " You're… CARL!"

Being identified, the finch broke into a cloud of black smoke, and there before them revealed itself to be none other than… CARL! THE SARCASTIC, TALKING, **MISSING **PURPLE WOOPER!

" Yeah, yeah. Well, can you really BLAME me?! I mean… for GOD'S SAKE, WHAT OTHER SORT OF CHARACTER WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE?! THE OKAMI?! She's repetive! And boring! JUST LIKE THIS STORY!" Carl yelled.

" HEY! YOU BETTER NOT START CRITICIZING ANYTHING NOW, CARL! You have got a LOT to answer for!" Hayley yelled. " Why did you hide from me for so long?!"

" Because… I figured if I got Akito to ruin the Sohma vacation, then there would BE no vacation… therefore no story… and therefore no QUESTIONS for me to have to answer!" Carl said, looking around shiftily.

" Well… the vacation was ruined from the very beginning…" Hatori pointed out.

" And I would have gotten away with it too! If it weren't for those meddling Sohmas and their stupid Honda Tohru!" Carl said angrily.

" You are in for some MAJOR PAIN when we get home, Carl! And NOT the movie!" Hayley promised, and withdrew a Master Ball and flung it at Carl.

It flew far over his head away. Turning around to watch it soar off, he laughed. " HA! MISSED!"

Hayley took this oppurtunity to whack him in the head with a mallet and then dump his sorry ass into her backpack. Muttering something about, ' time wasted instead of doing Geometry Packet', she stalked off, and poofled away.

" Was that Deus Ex Machina?" Yuki asked.

" I don't think you could even call it that." Hatori admitted.

And so… after a long journey… there was only one more chapter to go.

HOOOOOOOMAKE!

Man! I spent all that time traveling the world for NOTHING! NOTHING! Okay… I got these pretty wind chime things but… STILL! What a waste of time!

Carl: Not like you'd have anything better to do then sit around and whine about Homework.

I don't do that!

Carl: You're so pathetic! WHAT'S SO HARD ABOUT TRIANGLES, HUH?! HUH, HAYLEY?! ANSWER ME THAT!

CARL! YOU ARE MAKING ME VERY ANGRY! For one thing, you didn't answer a SINGLE question this whole story! And now it's about to end! What was the purpose of even trying to find you?! And another thing! Since when did you turn into a finch?

Carl: Since I FELT like it! GOD! ALWAYS NAGGING!

That's it… I'll get to you later… anyway, sorry for the long wait AS USUAL. This is our last Q & A segment and it's with no other than… BROCK! Yes, Brock, even though you have left the story, your memory lives on… probably. Anyway, let's get askin'! Ask, Ask, Ask! I WAAAAAANT NEW WALD!

I would also like to quickly thank everyone whose EVER reviewed these stories! And to please keep reading my other fanfics that I right after this. Arigatou Minna-san!

Perpetual Hysteria: Brock, in YOUR OPINION, what Pokemon is the STRONGEST? I've been dying to know, for I am a BEAUTIFUL YOUNG GIRL who one day hopes to be a great Pokemon Trainer, and even though you're just a breeder I desperately seek the answer! righteous pose

Brock: Well… maybe you should come over to MY place, and I'll show you whose 'Pokemon' is the strongest… nyuk nyuk NYUK… no, but seriously the strongest Pokemon is… KAKUNA! HE CONTROLS… THE WORLD!

Foxgrrl: Brock: what would happen if you ever opened your eyes?? would there be nothing?? or just some weird colorless crevace...??

Brock: Well, let's SEE! (opens eyes) (the world is filled with blinding light) Nothing happened!

Somewhere… in an ancient temple… GATCHA-WATCHA-DAH is awakening…

Bigfoot: Can I hug you? does anyway) glompuu!

Bigfoot: THANK YOU NICE GIRL. (crushes you under his… FRAME!)

Dragondolphin: I have a question for Bigfoot. My friend said that she is your loveslave and gave birth to your child. Is this true?

Bigfoot: NOT TRUE! YOU LIE! YOU LIE! BIGFOOT SAY NOT TRUE! (sobs)

Hayley: JERRY, JERRY, JERRY!

Here's a question for me! Let's see…

Rakuen-san: Is Bigfoot ever gonna appear to the story?

Bigfoot: (expectant look) WELL?

Hayley: Ah… maybe next time Foot-chan.

Bifoot: (depressed look) IT OVER… SUMMER AND DREAM.

Rachey: Brock (not Takeshi) are you having a secret love affair with Ash (Satoshi?)

Brock: Well… I NEVER!

Hayley: He's having one with Kojiro! (kyaaa kyaaa)

Brock: LIES! LIES! ARGH!

Foot-chan: You are so awesome! Let's grab a burger sometime, k?

Bigfoot: BA DA BA BA DA… BIGFOOT LOVIN' IT!

Genny: Hayley, by any chance do you watch YuYu Hakusho?

Hayley: I watched enough to know… it made me laugh… then cry. Go Ogata Megumi! (when I don't like a show, that's the only positive thing I can think to say…)

Naria, I still have yet to receive your crazy picture……

…

Kristen: (my very sweet, very cool REAL LIFE friend! Yes, I have friends in real life who actually read my crap) Why are all the guys in Furuba clean-shaven?

Hayley: That's one of those laws of anime. You can't have hair on your face unless you're OLD AND NOT SEXY. Unless… you are Jet Black. OH, JET BLACK… THE OLD SEX!

Anyway… thanks again for all your questions and reviews and what not. I'll treasure it… until I forget about it. In any case, next time is the last chapter, and after that is my new fanfic, which I hope you'll read too.

Soshite…

JA BAI BAI!


	22. Epilogue

Epilogue

Hatori Does It Better ( The Seahorse Who Loved Me)

Lyrics taken from Simon Carly

" Well… if there was ever a cue that a vacation was over, that was it." Said Hatori, after the author of the story had mysteriously vanished.

" So says Hatori." Shigure said, rolling his eyes.

" I'm serious. Come on. Everyone into the car." Hatori said, pointing at the box car in an impatient manner.

" But I don't wanna turn into an animal again!" Kyo whined.

" You won't have to. Tohru is going to sit in the front with me. Everyone else can just file into the back." Hatori said matter o factly.

" But… but she didn't call SHOTGUN!" Shigure gasped as if it were some sort of crime to sit in the front if you didn't call shotgun.

" SHOTGUN!" Kureno bellowed randomly because it was one of his favorite things to say.

" I…DON'T…CARE." Hatori said, and with that, everyone sighed and walked slowly into the box car with their heads hung low except for Tohru, who was happy! She got to sit in the front! She LOVED strawberries!

" What about Akito?" Shigure asked Hatori, pointing to Akito who was still spasming on the ground like a fool.

" Uh…" Hatori said, at a loss, but luckily Kazuma came to their rescue.

" Don't worry yourselves about it! I'll take care of Akito." Said Kazuma, pointing at his cool car that he had been driving Akito around the whole time.

" I will come with you… person. To accompany my master." Kureno said.

" But… Shishou! I want to come with you too!" Kyo exclaimed, glaring at Kureno.

" No, ………….KYO. You must go into that box car. It is best for you." Kazuma said.

" But…"

" After the ride, I'll come and get you and we can live in the dojo together again." Kazuma said seriously.

" REALLY?!" Kyo asked enthusiastically.

" No. Not really. Okay! Well, I'll be seeing you guys later." Kazuma said with a big cheesy Kenji smile, and jumped into his crazy car with Kureno and Akito.

" Don't forget, any of you… someday, the Mabudachi Trio will fall to… THE LONE CHICKEN! BUCAW-BUCAW!" Kureno cried in his mad rooster voice, and then they all watched as Kazuma zoomed off into the distance.

They all watched them go, then Hatori pointed to the car. " Come on. Car, now."

" WE'RE GOING! GEEZ!" Everyone shouted, and piled into the car. Tohru went last, sitting in the front next to Hatori. Hatori got in and promised himself that he would NEVER, EVER set foot on North Dakotan soil again. EVER.

Then they started to drive. It was okay, except everyone in the back kept complaining the whole time, and Tohru kept breaking down crying because she felt so bad. And Haru kept sticking one hand out to change the radio station even though Hatori kept telling him to NOT do that.

" Listen, we're just going to keep it on THIS station." Hatori said, changing it to some random station. He was starting to get a little tense because this vacation has made him tense, and he was also getting onto the freeway and driving on the freeway makes Hatori nervous.

On the station that Hatori had changed it to, very serious music began to play, and suddenly a chorus started chanting, " ESCA…FLOW…NE! ESCA…FLOW NE! ESCA…FLOW NE!" In REALLY dramatic dangerous tones. That's right. Dance of Curse. At MAX volume because that's the only kind of volume the crazy box car had.

Hatori tried to put up with that music on the freeway for awhile, then found he couldn't take it anymore. He changed the station to the Oldies station.

" HEY! I thought you said we were going to leave it on that station, Hatori." Shigure called in a teasing voice.

" Shut up, Shigure. We're going to leave it on this one."

" You promise?" Haru asked.

" Yes, I promise."

" Because if you break your promise I'll go Black." Haru said simply.

" Don't worry, Haru, I won't have any reason for breaking my promise." Hatori said, rolling his eyes.

" This is… SUNNY! SUNNY FM! Now we've got some Simon Carly coming on…"

" SIMON CARLY! Hey, Ayame, remember that Simon Carly song?!" Shigure said excitedly.

" DO I EVER?!" Ayame agreed. " I wonder if it's…"

" With 'Nobody does it Better', coming at you!" The Radio DJ exclaimed.

" IT IS!" Cheered Shigure and Ayame.

" What do you mean?" Yuki asked.

" Well, my adorable little brother, this song holds special meaning to the Mabudachi Trio." Ayame said.

" Shut up… just shut up…" Hatori groaned.

" We played a 'special' version of it that we recorded over the intercom the night of our High School Prom." Shigure said maliciously.

Everyone took a minute to think about this.

" Special version? Like a remix?" Kagura asked.

" More like… new lyrics. Oooh! It's coming on! Come on Aya! It'll be just like High School!"

" Only without everyone staring at Hatori and laughing!" Ayame said brightly.

" SHUT UP."

The song started to play. Shigure and Ayame started to sing along with it in off-key voices, drowning out the old lyrics with these new ones;

" Hatori does it better…

He makes me feel sad for the rest…

Nobody does it, half as good as him…

Hatori, you're the best…"

Hatori tried to concentrate on the road as the song kicked into full swing.

" I wasn't looking…

But somehow he found me…

I tried to hide from his love.

My heaven above me,

The seahorse that loved me,

Is keeping all my secrets safe tonight.

And nobody does it better,

Though sometimes I wish someone could,

Nobody does it quite the way he does,

Why does Hatori have to be so good?"

…_if there is a hell…_Hatori thought miserably, remembering his very painful High School Prom.

" Whenever he holds me,

Oh, the way Hatori holds me…

There's some kinda magic inside.

It keeps me from running,

But just keeps me coming,

How did Hatori learn to do the things he do?

And Hatori does it better,

He makes me feel sad for the rest…

Nobody does it, half as good as him…

Hatori, baby, baby, DARLING you're the best…"

Now Ayame and Shigure were realling takin' it home. And everyone, having learned the chorus, but Yuki and Kyo who will never sing, was takin' it home with them. Having had enough, Hatori called, " Okay, the songs over now, quit singing."

" HATORI, BABY YOU'RE THE BEST…."

" Stop singing."

" HATORI, BABY YOU'RE THE BEST…"

" Stop singing!"

" SWEETIE, DARLING, YOU'RE THE BEST…"

" STOP SINGING!!!!!"

" Haa-san!" Shigure said, as Ayame and everyone else continued to sing.

" WHAT?!" Hatori snapped.

" You really are the best." Shigure smiled.

Hatori rolled his eyes, continued to drive, and tried not to smile.

THE END.

And now… for what happened to everybody! (In Order of Appearance)

Kyo, went home, locked himself in his room and turned the air conditioner on to the MAX! He never ate goldfish again. But then again, he never ate goldfish in the first place.

Tohru continued her life and wished that the wonderful days of life would go on forever and ever and ever and ever and MAN did she loved strawberries!

Shigure pulled an all nighter writing a novel for Mitchan. Only this time he used YUKI'S tragic life. But that's okay. I don't think Yuki will ever read it. HOPEFULLY…

Yuki went on without obsessing over cheese for awhile, and continued to angst until he met his new friends and then he emptied all his angst onto the series and suddenly everyone ELSE seems a lot more angsty…

Hatori… well… MAN, he was traumatized. He went home, smoked a LOT, then eventually got over his woeful experiences and continued to have… MORE woeful experiences! He also changed out of those shorts and donated all of them to goodwill.

Haru continued with his crazy… life. And he kept that red star for as long as he could but it eventually faded away. Sadly. (sniff)

Momiji… well, I don't know WHAT Momiji did, but I'm sure he'll always keep it close to his heart! YAY!

Kagura… exploded!

Ayame continued to try and deepen the bond with his brother, and continued to be adorable and continued to be a snake.

Kureno continued to chuckle and seek the aid of his flunky and try and foil that crazy Mabudachi Trio! That crazy lone chicken!

Akito continued to be sickly and bitchy but then there became a clearer reason for why he might get bitchy one in awhile… once in a month… (innocent whistle)

Carl… you don't wanna know.

Ritsu and Zack opened up a Takoyaki Store where the IHOP was, and Beat Takashi Nose Sohma joined them, and Zack and Ritsu lived happily, neglectfully ever after. I guess Ritsu reminded Zack of Aeris! Except… Aeris wasn't secretly… a MAN. Oh well.

Rin… that's…a MYSTERY.

Kisa and Hiro weren't in this story. But if they WERE. (shakes fist)

Kazuma continued to be… THE MAN! THE BOMB! OI, OI, YEAH, YEAH!

Kiba… exploded!

Brock continued to be a breeder that doesn't breed.

Security Fred continues, EVEN NOW, to KEEP THE PEACE!

And Officer Bentley helps him!

Bigfoot trained with Shishou and continues to help with Q&A.

Crazy Gringo kept those crazy seahorse pants and continued to build Gringoish hotels.

Hagrid… will hopefully kill Harry.

The Camel continued to search for her lost love, Hatori.

The unimportant people exploded.

Buddy Barn Guy went off to wherever it was Buddy Barn Guy's go.

Poor Fruit Bat turned Cid flapped off to find someone who could help him.

And Shoopuf Dude-

AISUBEKI, LOVE AND LIFE!

Kureno Chuckle Count: 62

Jay and Silent Bob Will Return in 'Shoo-Ball'

See You, Space Shoopuf…


End file.
